Arrow
Rewrite
- May 1, 2020
- 769
I had a feeling it would come to this, but I thought I'd be at this point years from now. Time didn't wait before so I guess expecting it to now is kinda silly.
The title alone is enough to know what I'm talking about. It could be within the next few months, or maybe even sooner.
The reasoning is simple; I have spent a year on the improvement/recovery route, I have been saving up money, getting out more, dedicating myself to hobbies and interacting with more people, and all of it has gotten me to this point where dread and doom looms over me with a terrible gaze and murderous strength. It's like the universe has responded to my efforts by increasing my anguish. More so now than ever before I am confused about what the purpose of my attempts at fixing myself were if I am now in the worst pain I ever have been in and I'm at the worst mental state I've been at in years. I'm in my early twenties but I feel very old and weary, and I have a sense that my attempts to be happy are ultimately in vain.
Admitting to any and all of this is difficult and kind of embarrassing, but I think it needs to be said somewhere. There isn't much to this post other than the fact that I believe my time is coming near, and I am not very bothered by this knowledge.
I won't go into any details about any method right now, just to be safe. This post was kind of pointless but if you took the time to read it, thanks.
To anyone else who gave the recovery path a shot and it ended up not working, don't feel bad. You're not the only one to end up right back at where you started, in a mental sense at least.
Also this post might not be worded very well because I drank a little, which I don't usually do, and so I feel strange.
That's all. Now, only time will tell when it's my turn to join the gray names with the lines through them.
The title alone is enough to know what I'm talking about. It could be within the next few months, or maybe even sooner.
The reasoning is simple; I have spent a year on the improvement/recovery route, I have been saving up money, getting out more, dedicating myself to hobbies and interacting with more people, and all of it has gotten me to this point where dread and doom looms over me with a terrible gaze and murderous strength. It's like the universe has responded to my efforts by increasing my anguish. More so now than ever before I am confused about what the purpose of my attempts at fixing myself were if I am now in the worst pain I ever have been in and I'm at the worst mental state I've been at in years. I'm in my early twenties but I feel very old and weary, and I have a sense that my attempts to be happy are ultimately in vain.
Admitting to any and all of this is difficult and kind of embarrassing, but I think it needs to be said somewhere. There isn't much to this post other than the fact that I believe my time is coming near, and I am not very bothered by this knowledge.
I won't go into any details about any method right now, just to be safe. This post was kind of pointless but if you took the time to read it, thanks.
To anyone else who gave the recovery path a shot and it ended up not working, don't feel bad. You're not the only one to end up right back at where you started, in a mental sense at least.
Also this post might not be worded very well because I drank a little, which I don't usually do, and so I feel strange.
That's all. Now, only time will tell when it's my turn to join the gray names with the lines through them.
