ghostofapoet
wicce
- May 17, 2023
- 17
i'm not a master of disguise, but i've been learnt how to camouflage myself in public.
offering smiles to people, and exerting myself to keep up with their elation when they rope me into trivial conversation.
it's all so exhausting . my automatic response when someone asks me how i'm doing is 'good' and a smile, because how the hell am i supposed to tell this person i just tried to kill myself and then cried myself to sleep before i left my room for the first time today, in the context of a fucking light chat?
i wish my parents could see how awfully i was faring, but i learnt early on that it was better to be a chameleon than a zebra in front of them - they'd just tell me to shape up, or say that i'd get over it.
and all they see is me faking it, but when i break down i'm forced to build myself back up because i'm afraid of inconveniencing other people... i'm afraid of inconveniencing other people with MY emotions.
it's insane how i don't want others to see me as depressed because i'm worried they'll feel disturbed or off about how i'm doing... when they couldn't give one flying fuck about what the hell i'm doing, or if i'm still breathing after i haven't left my dorm room for an entire day.
i just wish people could see and properly fucking care, i was bloody unconscious for an entire day and no one checked up on me - and telling people "oh, i drank all my sleeping pills and tranquilizers and was unconscious for an entire day, almost two" is different from them stumbling upon my body and realizing "oh shit, this IS real" because people have a fucking hard time believing other people until they can see a dead body lying in front of them.
i told my fucking ex about it and he was like "oh, i felt a disturbance that exact day" making the whole thing about himself - as if i weren't the one who was knocking on death's fucking door just the day before??? people are the most self-obsessed species ever. i wanted to throttle him so bad.
i hate how my life feels like its scripted as some dark comedy - i think the reason i want people's eyes to open is because i thought it'd help me get saved, but now i'm realizing that'll never happen... i guess it's true that their eyes won't open until mine are closed.
offering smiles to people, and exerting myself to keep up with their elation when they rope me into trivial conversation.
it's all so exhausting . my automatic response when someone asks me how i'm doing is 'good' and a smile, because how the hell am i supposed to tell this person i just tried to kill myself and then cried myself to sleep before i left my room for the first time today, in the context of a fucking light chat?
i wish my parents could see how awfully i was faring, but i learnt early on that it was better to be a chameleon than a zebra in front of them - they'd just tell me to shape up, or say that i'd get over it.
and all they see is me faking it, but when i break down i'm forced to build myself back up because i'm afraid of inconveniencing other people... i'm afraid of inconveniencing other people with MY emotions.
it's insane how i don't want others to see me as depressed because i'm worried they'll feel disturbed or off about how i'm doing... when they couldn't give one flying fuck about what the hell i'm doing, or if i'm still breathing after i haven't left my dorm room for an entire day.
i just wish people could see and properly fucking care, i was bloody unconscious for an entire day and no one checked up on me - and telling people "oh, i drank all my sleeping pills and tranquilizers and was unconscious for an entire day, almost two" is different from them stumbling upon my body and realizing "oh shit, this IS real" because people have a fucking hard time believing other people until they can see a dead body lying in front of them.
i told my fucking ex about it and he was like "oh, i felt a disturbance that exact day" making the whole thing about himself - as if i weren't the one who was knocking on death's fucking door just the day before??? people are the most self-obsessed species ever. i wanted to throttle him so bad.
i hate how my life feels like its scripted as some dark comedy - i think the reason i want people's eyes to open is because i thought it'd help me get saved, but now i'm realizing that'll never happen... i guess it's true that their eyes won't open until mine are closed.
