daydreamer52
Someday
- Aug 12, 2023
- 38
I feel scared not only that I could end up surviving but scared of what's gonna happen after it, being hospitalized and worst of all, how people around me will react to the news that I tried to kill myself. I saw someone else on here say something related to what I'm gonna say next, and is that although I'm fully committed into ctb, sometimes this forum fills me with doubts and discourages me unintentionally on using one or another method, I've seen a lot of stories about failed attempts and now I'm scared I will be one of them. Also I'm scared about the biological process of death. I've seen videos and things like the unconscious twitching of the muscles or the heavy breathing before dying make me sick to my stomach idk why, I was better off before becoming self aware of what death looks like in a real human, no movie bullshit. After reflecting upon it for some time, I realized I was actually feeling disgusted about myself watching someone else die, it made me tear up, idk why but it makes me so sad to watch a suicide, it feels wrong, I know people who record themselves doing it is because they want others to see, but in my opinion it should be something private that no one else is meant to see, it's just my opinion, it has something about it that makes it feel dehumanizing or something like that, english is not my first language so sorry if that's not the correct word for describing it. Life is really unfair, if you think about it going through a long ass procedure or buying a lot of equipment just to take your own life is something no one should go through, death should be a granted human right as important as life is, I hope everyone that has ctb has found the peace they were looking for, I hope all of us who are planning on doing it find it too.
