soontobec0rpse
soontobecorpse <3
- May 27, 2023
- 37
recently my feelings have become entirely more complicated. Managing my suicidal thoughts was already overwhelming… but I've become overwhelmingly homicidal all the time as well. However this concept is very frustrating to explain to anyone. As someone with ASPD I find it extremely difficult to express such things. I've always had trouble with more violent thoughts, but it's at an all time high. Nowadays i sit in wonder whether I'll end up killing myself before I kill someone else. And I know this is a topic people can't comprehend, because "why would you wanna do that". And I understand it. It causes people a moral dilemma. How can one validate someone's murderous thoughts without being in the wrong? I ask myself the same thing all the time. Something nobody seems to understand is that I don't hate myself. People think that you must hate yourself if you're suicidal, but that's not always the case. I hate everyone around me. I hate pretending to like people. I hate pretending to care. Because I don't. None of these people could ever understand my thoughts, because they're afraid to. They're afraid of what it says about them if they understand me. The only people I've ever felt possibility for connection with are others who are extremely mentally disturbed, usually the violent kind. Because those are the only people I feel have the capability to understand. No matter how much I force I relationship it makes me so unbelievably angry. I can't stand trying to make someone's ignorance into an understanding. I hate having to do everything for everyone else because they act so damn incompetent. Why can't anyone put in any fucking effort? Why do I have to teach everyone else how to be decent human beings??? I'm enraged beyond belief. I can't do this bullshit. It's driving me over the edge
