Something is blocking my "bad" thoughts

[ChiseHatori]

I can't quite put my finger on it. It just feels like I'm both completely pent up and ready to explode at any point, and like there's some wall or otherwise thing stopping me.

It's really hard to describe!

It's like... I'm not sure I want to even get better anymore. I sort of gave up. I guess not all of me though? Something I can't control just dulls me. Or distracts me otherwise.

I'll try to play out an example:

I'm chilling, doing anything. Let's say reading.

I think to myself "I really should CTB."

Normally, this thought would've spiraled, and I might have went down the methods research hole again, or cried, or SH'd, or, at worst, practiced an attempt like hanging (my insanely high SI prevents me from following through...)

But now, instead of anything like that, I just... move on. Like I gave up. Is it because my body finally accepted I'll never commit? Something else? I really don't know. I don't. I know I still want to CTB and I'll obsess over the thought but it just won't get me the same anymore.

Maybe I'm just in that phase of depression where instead of intense emotion I just feel numbness - I've had that feeling come and go for months but this is the strongest if so... anyone else felt like this at all?

 

[amra81nz]

are you on a new medication or something? that might make a difference. or some other influence in your life thats having a positive effect like a new person or situation?

 

[ChiseHatori]

are you on a new medication or something? that might make a difference. or some other influence in your life thats having a positive effect like a new person or situation?

No, I don't take medication, and no new things happening. If anything my life is suspiciously stagnant.

 

[arnxxx]

If you're not on meds, maybe thats something you could try. They dont work for me but my father got cured mostly because of medication. Are you seeing a therapist or doctor? If so what do they say

 

[ChiseHatori]

If you're not on meds, maybe thats something you could try. They dont work for me but my father got cured mostly because of medication. Are you seeing a therapist or doctor? If so what do they say

I have tried. But I have medication trauma. I have also tried therapy for a year, before I left due to insurance.

After thinking it over, to be honest I think they both made me a little worse and only just made me better at masking my feelings. But I'm sure I'm partially to blame for that, I think my negative mindset going in was not helpful, though I did try.

If I can try those things again in the future I may, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I think I am similar. I will at times spiral but I will be alone and won't be doing anything physically, just feeling very upset and staring into space thinking about how to make it happen. Most times I just feel sad but numb though, like you described. It may be difficult to be constantly upset, since it probably takes effort and energy to remain upset.

There's nothing wrong with ignroing the thoughts sometimes though (imo). You can always go back at another time.

 

[arnxxx]

I have tried. But I have medication trauma. I have also tried therapy for a year, before I left due to insurance.

After thinking it over, to be honest I think they both made me a little worse and only just made me better at masking my feelings. But I'm sure I'm partially to blame for that, I think my negative mindset going in was not helpful, though I did try.

If I can try those things again in the future I may, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

A shame your insurance don't cover potentially life saving care. Though it didn't work out for you, quite the contrary.
What will you do to cope with your emotions instead?

Also: Is the numbness better or worse than how you normally feel?

 

[KafkaF]

I can't quite put my finger on it. It just feels like I'm both completely pent up and ready to explode at any point, and like there's some wall or otherwise thing stopping me.

It's really hard to describe!

It's like... I'm not sure I want to even get better anymore. I sort of gave up. I guess not all of me though? Something I can't control just dulls me. Or distracts me otherwise.

I'll try to play out an example:

I'm chilling, doing anything. Let's say reading.

I think to myself "I really should CTB."

Normally, this thought would've spiraled, and I might have went down the methods research hole again, or cried, or SH'd, or, at worst, practiced an attempt like hanging (my insanely high SI prevents me from following through...)

But now, instead of anything like that, I just... move on. Like I gave up. Is it because my body finally accepted I'll never commit? Something else? I really don't know. I don't. I know I still want to CTB and I'll obsess over the thought but it just won't get me the same anymore.

Maybe I'm just in that phase of depression where instead of intense emotion I just feel numbness - I've had that feeling come and go for months but this is the strongest if so... anyone else felt like this at all?

I've felt like this before. Honestly, it COULD be a good sign. i'm not saying for sure that it is, but it could be.

The times I've felt like this before, is when I was getting better. Not that I had recovered already. But when my depression was getting less intense.

During heavy periods of depression I usually get extremely strong suicidal thoughts, start making plans, start researching methods, etc. But during lighter periods of depression, I'm usually passively suicidal. Like I think I'm going to end it one day, but I just kind of live and see if that one day comes or not. But I don't do anything about it. And then in the past usually these lighter periods of depression have been followed with periods of recovery. Not automatically, but it does seem to be a stage I almost always go through first.

 

[ChiseHatori]

A shame your insurance don't cover potentially life saving care. Though it didn't work out for you, quite the contrary.
What will you do to cope with your emotions instead?

Also: Is the numbness better or worse than how you normally feel?

Insurance is a real killer in this country.

I think it's worse. I don't know why though.

I've felt like this before. Honestly, it COULD be a good sign. i'm not saying for sure that it is, but it could be.

The times I've felt like this before, is when I was getting better. Not that I had recovered already. But when my depression was getting less intense.

During heavy periods of depression I usually get extremely strong suicidal thoughts, start making plans, start researching methods, etc. But during lighter periods of depression, I'm usually passively suicidal. Like I think I'm going to end it one day, but I just kind of live and see if that one day comes or not. But I don't do anything about it. And then in the past usually these lighter periods of depression have been followed with periods of recovery. Not automatically, but it does seem to be a stage I almost always go through first.

That would be interesting. I'm not sure if it works the same for me, I think everyone's a bit different, but we'll see I suppose.