Help Something about the philosophy of life bothers me, tips welcomed.

[BrokenSynapse]

Hello, everyone. Im not gonna share much stuff from my life but i once failed to commit suicide mid attempt (changed my mind last minute). But from that point forward I have been bothered by the concept of death. Why is it so hard to go voluntarily but so easy when you dont expect it? Same with sudden disability (by this I dont want to shame or in any way alienate disabled people in fact i admire you and your strenght to live) this brings me to the point I wanted to share. For around 2 years I have been preparing a death pill plan for myself in case i ever go blind or lose the little control I have over my physical life. I in fact know it would bring so much sufferring to me that ctb would be a merciful way out. Since I was a child i found disability and body horror extremely disturbing, sadly I cant really imagine living like that. I wasnt so lucky in terms of sanity thanks to what I had to endure in my life but sure, Im somehow still going though all that. But sudden life changing disability is one of the worst fears of mine.
So Im asking, do you know of any good combinations of meds and have any tips on long term storage methods of Nmbtl or SN? If you have any other tips for such back-up plans, Im even interested in more guaranteed ways than painless (no access to firearms).
Im really interested in other points of view on this, Im again stating that this is not made to shame anyone, I cant really control this fear and have nowhere else to share it.

 

[derpyderpins]

Why is it so hard to go voluntarily but so easy when you dont expect it?

The simple answer is that we evolved to survive. Biologically, you have a built-in survival instinct that will freeze your body up if you are about to do something that will stop you from living. Socially, every religious and political leader in societal history has pretty much beaten it into culture that suicide is unacceptable, and you have grown up in a world where that is the accepted norm.

Non-suicide death, on the other hand, is inevitable. A lower priority both biologically and socially is to lower the amount of pain you are in. So, say you are facing down some impending death that you cannot avoid. Your survival instinct will eventually give out, because death can't be avoided, and the social pressure to preserve life goes away for the same reason. Then, we go down to the lower priority need, which is to limit pain. So, why stress? Acceptance is less painful. At that point, your body lets you release and suffer no more than necessary. This is the opposite of you actively hurting yourself, wherein your body will cause you any amount of mental and physical anguish to keep itself alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, it truly is hellish how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer in this existence, to me human existence is an abomination which is why I despise how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway I wish you the best and I hope that you find what you search for.