Venting Somehow I've gone from resisting suicide out of depression to suicide out of anger.

[hoppybunny]

I haven't been on here in a while cause my mental health has improved drastically but i just wanted to complain.

It feels like my mum is making it her personal mission to make me miserable.

She's constantly saying mean things to me and trying to humiliate and shame me. And now I'm just so angry all the time.

I'm always thinking terrible things abkut people. I feel so aggressive recently. I just hate how i feel.

And the things she says just make me want to end everything. Saying things like owe it's my duty as family or whatever to make her happy and to dress and behave how she wants and to have kids.

And i just want to kill myself and leave a note saying my death is her fault and everything she did to make me chose this.

And i know that's stupid especially since i know once i pull through, graduate, get a job and move out I'll be ok. But it's like the final stretch is always the hardest and I'm trying my best not to lose it.


Like i just can't stand her anymore. She's gone through a lot but even before these past three years she's always been bitchy to me. I think she mellewed out about 2 years before my uncle passed away. Then after my uncle passed away 2 years ago, my grandma passed away last year and she started her mean girl behaviours again. Like we're all grieving doesn't mean you should take it out on me. Then my grandpa passed away last year a few months after my grandma. And now her best friend passed away last month but it's more like last week or 2 weeks ago. I can barely even tell how much time is passing with how much heartbreak keeps happening.


And i understand why she's uoset. That was her brother, her mum, her dad and her best friend but is that not even more of a reason to treat your remaining family better.

I'm trying not to pusg her away and spend time with her as a family but she's just so mean and terrible to me. Like she wants anybody but me. I know she's never liked me and i know I'm fat and ugly but can't she be nice to me even as family.

I know she doesn't care about my health because all she does is tell me how embarrassing it is to have a fat child while she's a nurse. Mind you she is also obese just smaller than me.

I actually wasn't always fat i was just bordering chubby growing up and she would still call me fat and ugly and make me drink laxatives and not eat when i was about 12-13 so i ended up getting depressed and gaining weight and a binge eating issue. Cause i feel the urge to binge when she's not around.

And now that I'm bigger than her she always attacks me for my weight.

And she starts saying, why can't i dress a certain way for her and why can't i lose weight for her. When it's her fault for ruining my head and making me this way. I'm trying to lose weight and be better but everytime i want to make a change it's like she can tell and just comes to berate and insult me.

The negativity just kills my drive and my mood . It's like she knows, so she wears me down on purpose so i only lose weight the way she wants. She wants me to starve while exercising for hours a day but tells me i shouldn't sweat cause women shouldn't sweat when they exercise. But then tells me I'm not exercising enough when i don't sweat.


She's driving me insane. I just want to kill myself so she'll feel even worse. Maybe she won't care since she told me that herself that she won't care if i kill myself since she has four more kids but if i share my suicide note with my siblings, my dad and all my relatives she at least will be embarrassed and humiliated for her whole life.

Cause everyone will know she's the reason I'll shoot myself.


Everyday i fantasize about just stealing their credit card and buying a shotgun to blow my brakns out. I habe to hold myself back and it's driving me insane.


I don't want to kill myself over something this petty. But the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I've told myself that even though i hate being outside i need to be realistic and just stay outside and avoid her as long as i can. Even if i can't get a job. I can stay in school longer or go to a library. I just need to be outside until i can be independent.

I won't cut contact cause despite everything I still love her as my mother plus I'm not even a US citizen and I came here as a child so i have no documents from my home country nor do I know how to complete my citizenship because i was never told how. So even if I hated them i can't leave cause i need them.


I know how childish i sound but i was raised very sheltered and if I'm being honest I'm not compatible at all with society. So moving out and finishing school as an independent adult is actually a huge feat for me. I've barely been allowed or given the opportunity to do anything alone and when i did i always failed horribly. I get scared over every little thing and even driving on the highway is impossible cause I'll get nauseous and maybe even puke or swerve off cause I'm scared.

So please forgive my childish vent i just wanted to let out my frustrations.

 

[sweetreliefpls]

I haven't been on here in a while cause my mental health has improved drastically but i just wanted to complain.

It feels like my mum is making it her personal mission to make me miserable.

She's constantly saying mean things to me and trying to humiliate and shame me. And now I'm just so angry all the time.

I'm always thinking terrible things abkut people. I feel so aggressive recently. I just hate how i feel.

And the things she says just make me want to end everything. Saying things like owe it's my duty as family or whatever to make her happy and to dress and behave how she wants and to have kids.

And i just want to kill myself and leave a note saying my death is her fault and everything she did to make me chose this.

And i know that's stupid especially since i know once i pull through, graduate, get a job and move out I'll be ok. But it's like the final stretch is always the hardest and I'm trying my best not to lose it.


Like i just can't stand her anymore. She's gone through a lot but even before these past three years she's always been bitchy to me. I think she mellewed out about 2 years before my uncle passed away. Then after my uncle passed away 2 years ago, my grandma passed away last year and she started her mean girl behaviours again. Like we're all grieving doesn't mean you should take it out on me. Then my grandpa passed away last year a few months after my grandma. And now her best friend passed away last month but it's more like last week or 2 weeks ago. I can barely even tell how much time is passing with how much heartbreak keeps happening.


And i understand why she's uoset. That was her brother, her mum, her dad and her best friend but is that not even more of a reason to treat your remaining family better.

I'm trying not to pusg her away and spend time with her as a family but she's just so mean and terrible to me. Like she wants anybody but me. I know she's never liked me and i know I'm fat and ugly but can't she be nice to me even as family.

I know she doesn't care about my health because all she does is tell me how embarrassing it is to have a fat child while she's a nurse. Mind you she is also obese just smaller than me.

I actually wasn't always fat i was just bordering chubby growing up and she would still call me fat and ugly and make me drink laxatives and not eat when i was about 12-13 so i ended up getting depressed and gaining weight and a binge eating issue. Cause i feel the urge to binge when she's not around.

And now that I'm bigger than her she always attacks me for my weight.

And she starts saying, why can't i dress a certain way for her and why can't i lose weight for her. When it's her fault for ruining my head and making me this way. I'm trying to lose weight and be better but everytime i want to make a change it's like she can tell and just comes to berate and insult me.

The negativity just kills my drive and my mood . It's like she knows, so she wears me down on purpose so i only lose weight the way she wants. She wants me to starve while exercising for hours a day but tells me i shouldn't sweat cause women shouldn't sweat when they exercise. But then tells me I'm not exercising enough when i don't sweat.


She's driving me insane. I just want to kill myself so she'll feel even worse. Maybe she won't care since she told me that herself that she won't care if i kill myself since she has four more kids but if i share my suicide note with my siblings, my dad and all my relatives she at least will be embarrassed and humiliated for her whole life.

Cause everyone will know she's the reason I'll shoot myself.


Everyday i fantasize about just stealing their credit card and buying a shotgun to blow my brakns out. I habe to hold myself back and it's driving me insane.


I don't want to kill myself over something this petty. But the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I've told myself that even though i hate being outside i need to be realistic and just stay outside and avoid her as long as i can. Even if i can't get a job. I can stay in school longer or go to a library. I just need to be outside until i can be independent.

I won't cut contact cause despite everything I still love her as my mother plus I'm not even a US citizen and I came here as a child so i have no documents from my home country nor do I know how to complete my citizenship because i was never told how. So even if I hated them i can't leave cause i need them.


I know how childish i sound but i was raised very sheltered and if I'm being honest I'm not compatible at all with society. So moving out and finishing school as an independent adult is actually a huge feat for me. I've barely been allowed or given the opportunity to do anything alone and when i did i always failed horribly. I get scared over every little thing and even driving on the highway is impossible cause I'll get nauseous and maybe even puke or swerve off cause I'm scared.

So please forgive my childish vent i just wanted to let out my frustrations.

Sorry you're going through this. She sounds like a narcissist or similar. Can you talk to a counsellor or someone you trust about the effect her behaviour is having on your mental health?

Try to hold on and focus on yourself, your life, your education and hobbies. Life can improve once you leave her influence.

 

[hoppybunny]

Sorry you're going through this. She sounds like a narcissist or similar. Can you talk to a counsellor or someone you trust about the effect her behaviour is having on your mental health?

Try to hold on and focus on yourself, your life, your education and hobbies. Life can improve once you leave her influence.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm thankfully seeing my therapist tomorrow. Amd I'm doing my best. I hope i can mpve out soon. I'm shooting for december and latest january.

 

[sweetreliefpls]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm thankfully seeing my therapist tomorrow. Amd I'm doing my best. I hope i can mpve out soon. I'm shooting for december and latest january.

That sounds like a good plan. I'm glad you can vent here too. Maybe look for other ways to channel your understandable frustration and anger? As it seems that's the emotion that has nowhere to go and is making you feel suicidal. Could discuss this with your therapist.

Having a plan to move out is a great step too. Wishing you best of luck.

 

[hoppybunny]

That sounds like a good plan. I'm glad you can vent here too. Maybe look for other ways to channel your understandable frustration and anger? As it seems that's the emotion that has nowhere to go and is making you feel suicidal. Could discuss this with your therapist.

Having a plan to move out is a great step too. Wishing you best of luck.

Thank you. I'll talk to them about it.

 

[sweetreliefpls]

Thank you. I'll talk to them about it.

Hi I hope you're doing better! And finding ways to vent frustration until you can get out and live with people on your wavelength.
Keep going and ask for help where you need it.

sorry my responses are so short, I have neuro and physical issues from chronic illnesses.

 

[looking4partner]

1. Your plan to move out around December sounds like a really good idea

2. So does staying away from the house as much as possible

3. If the highway means the freeway, there is an option on Google Maps GPS to avoid highways. It does take a longer time to get places (unless freeway traffic is very bad, then back roads are actually faster). This is what I did for the majority of my first 2 years driving. I would also use highways that were slower speeds than the freeway, but IDK if these are also difficult for you.

I also know people that use other transportation such as a bicycle, walking (which also can be helpful for mental health), or the bus instead of driving if you're near public transit.

4. There is an exercise that helped me that maybe you can ask the counselor about. I'm not sure if it is CBT. But it is a technique that answers the "what-if" questions & reduced some of my anxiety increased by a controlling parent listing off worst-case scenarios every time I tried to leave the house.

For example, "what if I get lost?

& my phone GPS is dead?"

I can pull over somewhere and ask a worker for directions.

I can buy a phone charger that plugs into the car

I can put paper maps in my car as a backup

I can pull over & do breathing exercises in a parking lot to calm down

I can leave early to give myself an additional time cushion in case

I can drive to a new location before the day of the appointment happens so that I am more familiar with the area
5. Your emotions of being hurt & angry from being humiliated & controlled are not petty (if that's what the petty line was referring to. Sorry, I get confused sometimes about what is being referred to.)

6. Exposure therapy & exposure response prevention also helped me with certain activities I wasn't used to doing by myself and making mistakes although I didn't get a chance to continue practicing it. (You work up gradually over time from doing an exercise that causes the least anxiety and working up to exercises that cause more anxiety. The reason why it works is because doing the exercise can help reduce the anxiety that the smaller step causes and teaches you to think about it in a different way. Sorry, I have trouble explaining it. I just know that I was surprised it worked for certain anxieties I had when I was doing it.)

7. Sometimes, there are programs that help teach you how to live independently with a mentor (or multiple) who work there. I have seen them for people who struggle with mental health. (It was a house not a hospitalization program.)

And for autistic young adults (they had mentors that helped with cooking, finances, possibly how to do chores, & group activities with the other residents to help create socializing opportunities.) The one I found also didn't require applicants to have a diagnosis. (It was expensive rent though.) They just required that residents have a job or be attending school.

8. Department of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR) is a free program that helps people with disabilities search for jobs. (Mental health diagnoses can count as the disability) I think sometimes they also help with payment/scholarships for school/college & possibly finding low-income housing. There are some cons, but it can be less overwhelming to have someone helping to guide how to break down all the steps of applying.

I asked them about help with screening for ADHD because I saw that mentioned somewhere (not saying you have that, it's just something that can affect independent living skills), but they said something about being required by the state to take medication if I did receive a diagnosis and it was after I finally felt 70% recovered from a severe & long-lasting adverse reaction to stopping a psychiatric medication for depression so I didn't want to be forced to take anything & was scared. I'm not even sure if this was 100% true now - because they didn't require people to take medication for depression or anxiety even when it was on their paperwork, but DVR is a state-run program (government program)

9. Sometimes the local library or churches do free programs with volunteers that help with the steps for applying for citizenship and studying for the citizenship test. (I guess that test is only one of the steps to getting citizenship because I found out that the process has a lot of steps.) There are also organizations that are trying to help people learn what their rights are & what you are not required to do if you think "eye see eeh" is at your door without a warrant. (Sorry, not trying to scare you. I have just seen a lot of warnings about this recently. I am also a little bit paranoid they could be tracking people online who mentioned them so I spelled it differently)

10. I understand a lot of what you wrote about being controlled & criticized & inexperience & desperation from not having self-autonomy

And I am sorry that you're experiencing that & how difficult it can make things

 

[SadGirl]

I haven't been on here in a while cause my mental health has improved drastically but i just wanted to complain.

It feels like my mum is making it her personal mission to make me miserable.

She's constantly saying mean things to me and trying to humiliate and shame me. And now I'm just so angry all the time.

I'm always thinking terrible things abkut people. I feel so aggressive recently. I just hate how i feel.

And the things she says just make me want to end everything. Saying things like owe it's my duty as family or whatever to make her happy and to dress and behave how she wants and to have kids.

And i just want to kill myself and leave a note saying my death is her fault and everything she did to make me chose this.

And i know that's stupid especially since i know once i pull through, graduate, get a job and move out I'll be ok. But it's like the final stretch is always the hardest and I'm trying my best not to lose it.


Like i just can't stand her anymore. She's gone through a lot but even before these past three years she's always been bitchy to me. I think she mellewed out about 2 years before my uncle passed away. Then after my uncle passed away 2 years ago, my grandma passed away last year and she started her mean girl behaviours again. Like we're all grieving doesn't mean you should take it out on me. Then my grandpa passed away last year a few months after my grandma. And now her best friend passed away last month but it's more like last week or 2 weeks ago. I can barely even tell how much time is passing with how much heartbreak keeps happening.


And i understand why she's uoset. That was her brother, her mum, her dad and her best friend but is that not even more of a reason to treat your remaining family better.

I'm trying not to pusg her away and spend time with her as a family but she's just so mean and terrible to me. Like she wants anybody but me. I know she's never liked me and i know I'm fat and ugly but can't she be nice to me even as family.

I know she doesn't care about my health because all she does is tell me how embarrassing it is to have a fat child while she's a nurse. Mind you she is also obese just smaller than me.

I actually wasn't always fat i was just bordering chubby growing up and she would still call me fat and ugly and make me drink laxatives and not eat when i was about 12-13 so i ended up getting depressed and gaining weight and a binge eating issue. Cause i feel the urge to binge when she's not around.

And now that I'm bigger than her she always attacks me for my weight.

And she starts saying, why can't i dress a certain way for her and why can't i lose weight for her. When it's her fault for ruining my head and making me this way. I'm trying to lose weight and be better but everytime i want to make a change it's like she can tell and just comes to berate and insult me.

The negativity just kills my drive and my mood . It's like she knows, so she wears me down on purpose so i only lose weight the way she wants. She wants me to starve while exercising for hours a day but tells me i shouldn't sweat cause women shouldn't sweat when they exercise. But then tells me I'm not exercising enough when i don't sweat.


She's driving me insane. I just want to kill myself so she'll feel even worse. Maybe she won't care since she told me that herself that she won't care if i kill myself since she has four more kids but if i share my suicide note with my siblings, my dad and all my relatives she at least will be embarrassed and humiliated for her whole life.

Cause everyone will know she's the reason I'll shoot myself.


Everyday i fantasize about just stealing their credit card and buying a shotgun to blow my brakns out. I habe to hold myself back and it's driving me insane.


I don't want to kill myself over something this petty. But the urge just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

I've told myself that even though i hate being outside i need to be realistic and just stay outside and avoid her as long as i can. Even if i can't get a job. I can stay in school longer or go to a library. I just need to be outside until i can be independent.

I won't cut contact cause despite everything I still love her as my mother plus I'm not even a US citizen and I came here as a child so i have no documents from my home country nor do I know how to complete my citizenship because i was never told how. So even if I hated them i can't leave cause i need them.


I know how childish i sound but i was raised very sheltered and if I'm being honest I'm not compatible at all with society. So moving out and finishing school as an independent adult is actually a huge feat for me. I've barely been allowed or given the opportunity to do anything alone and when i did i always failed horribly. I get scared over every little thing and even driving on the highway is impossible cause I'll get nauseous and maybe even puke or swerve off cause I'm scared.

So please forgive my childish vent i just wanted to let out my frustrations.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also don't have a good relationship with my mother sometimes. She fights with me a lot because I'm not getting a job or financially stable. My father passed away almost a year ago. I'm still grieving. I understand you and your mother. She's been through a lot, but she really doesn't have the right to take it out on you. Especially by saying horrible things and putting you down. It's the same way my mother does to me too. I get insulted and called names. I know it's not meant badly, but I think my mother and your mother don't know how to talk and understand our problems. They just want results and don't care how you feel. I've learned to ignore and overlook things. I stay in my room, and sometimes I even feel guilty for not paying attention to my mother. Now, even though she's dating, she's alone during the week, and so am I. But she stays in the living room, and I stay in my room without going out at all. It's complicated. But focus on yourself and your goals, I cut my neck these days in a crisis that my mother made me have. It's difficult but try to let it go.

 

[hoppybunny]

Hi I hope you're doing better! And finding ways to vent frustration until you can get out and live with people on your wavelength.
Keep going and ask for help where you need it.

sorry my responses are so short, I have neuro and physical issues from chronic illnesses.

No need to apologize at all for a short response. Your kind words are more than enough. Thank you so much.

1. Your plan to move out around December sounds like a really good idea

2. So does staying away from the house as much as possible

3. If the highway means the freeway, there is an option on Google Maps GPS to avoid highways. It does take a longer time to get places (unless freeway traffic is very bad, then back roads are actually faster). This is what I did for the majority of my first 2 years driving. I would also use highways that were slower speeds than the freeway, but IDK if these are also difficult for you.

I also know people that use other transportation such as a bicycle, walking (which also can be helpful for mental health), or the bus instead of driving if you're near public transit.

4. There is an exercise that helped me that maybe you can ask the counselor about. I'm not sure if it is CBT. But it is a technique that answers the "what-if" questions & reduced some of my anxiety increased by a controlling parent listing off worst-case scenarios every time I tried to leave the house.

For example, "what if I get lost?

& my phone GPS is dead?"

I can pull over somewhere and ask a worker for directions.

I can buy a phone charger that plugs into the car

I can put paper maps in my car as a backup

I can pull over & do breathing exercises in a parking lot to calm down

I can leave early to give myself an additional time cushion in case

I can drive to a new location before the day of the appointment happens so that I am more familiar with the area
5. Your emotions of being hurt & angry from being humiliated & controlled are not petty (if that's what the petty line was referring to. Sorry, I get confused sometimes about what is being referred to.)

6. Exposure therapy & exposure response prevention also helped me with certain activities I wasn't used to doing by myself and making mistakes although I didn't get a chance to continue practicing it. (You work up gradually over time from doing an exercise that causes the least anxiety and working up to exercises that cause more anxiety. The reason why it works is because doing the exercise can help reduce the anxiety that the smaller step causes and teaches you to think about it in a different way. Sorry, I have trouble explaining it. I just know that I was surprised it worked for certain anxieties I had when I was doing it.)

7. Sometimes, there are programs that help teach you how to live independently with a mentor (or multiple) who work there. I have seen them for people who struggle with mental health. (It was a house not a hospitalization program.)

And for autistic young adults (they had mentors that helped with cooking, finances, possibly how to do chores, & group activities with the other residents to help create socializing opportunities.) The one I found also didn't require applicants to have a diagnosis. (It was expensive rent though.) They just required that residents have a job or be attending school.

8. Department of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR) is a free program that helps people with disabilities search for jobs. (Mental health diagnoses can count as the disability) I think sometimes they also help with payment/scholarships for school/college & possibly finding low-income housing. There are some cons, but it can be less overwhelming to have someone helping to guide how to break down all the steps of applying.

I asked them about help with screening for ADHD because I saw that mentioned somewhere (not saying you have that, it's just something that can affect independent living skills), but they said something about being required by the state to take medication if I did receive a diagnosis and it was after I finally felt 70% recovered from a severe & long-lasting adverse reaction to stopping a psychiatric medication for depression so I didn't want to be forced to take anything & was scared. I'm not even sure if this was 100% true now - because they didn't require people to take medication for depression or anxiety even when it was on their paperwork, but DVR is a state-run program (government program)

9. Sometimes the local library or churches do free programs with volunteers that help with the steps for applying for citizenship and studying for the citizenship test. (I guess that test is only one of the steps to getting citizenship because I found out that the process has a lot of steps.) There are also organizations that are trying to help people learn what their rights are & what you are not required to do if you think "eye see eeh" is at your door without a warrant. (Sorry, not trying to scare you. I have just seen a lot of warnings about this recently. I am also a little bit paranoid they could be tracking people online who mentioned them so I spelled it differently)

10. I understand a lot of what you wrote about being controlled & criticized & inexperience & desperation from not having self-autonomy

And I am sorry that you're experiencing that & how difficult it can make things

Thank you so much for all your advice. I actually am working with a Vocational Rehabilitation service. They paid my tuition thankfully. But I may need job help since i have no work experience at all. Thank you again. Your advice was truly helpful.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also don't have a good relationship with my mother sometimes. She fights with me a lot because I'm not getting a job or financially stable. My father passed away almost a year ago. I'm still grieving. I understand you and your mother. She's been through a lot, but she really doesn't have the right to take it out on you. Especially by saying horrible things and putting you down. It's the same way my mother does to me too. I get insulted and called names. I know it's not meant badly, but I think my mother and your mother don't know how to talk and understand our problems. They just want results and don't care how you feel. I've learned to ignore and overlook things. I stay in my room, and sometimes I even feel guilty for not paying attention to my mother. Now, even though she's dating, she's alone during the week, and so am I. But she stays in the living room, and I stay in my room without going out at all. It's complicated. But focus on yourself and your goals, I cut my neck these days in a crisis that my mother made me have. It's difficult but try to let it go.

So sorry you're going through that. And my deepest condolences. Losing a loved one is so terrible. I hope you'll be able to feel some peace soon. Finding a job in this economy is terrible especially when everyon wants someone with experience while no one wants to give the experience. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

I'm trying to focus on myself right now especially since I'll be graduating soon and still have no job. I just know the insults are gonna get worse.

I hope both our mums can have changes of hearts and learn to communicate better so they can stop causing us all this pain.