Hi, I barely know how to use this site as I'm not on it much so hopefully this post belongs here.
I was visiting two of my close friends the other week and I was opening up to them about how I feel about my existence. I told them about how much suffering I see in the world, and how I feel like being happy just feels wrong with the state of things. To be more articulate, by "things" I mean issues like climate change, lack of unity in the world, capitalism and so on. I guess I have a pretty basic understanding of these things so it could be that the way I feel is a bit unfounded in a certain way because I definitely could be more educated on these topics; but generally I just don't see much of a reason to keep living other than keeping those around me happy, like my mom, or my friends. This was the general gist of what we discussed. My friends aren't oblivious to these things, they aren't dumb, but somehow they are more capable of moving on with their lives and striving for better, at least to my observations. One of them is a pretty financially successful musician, and the other is on her way. I said that if people who aren't suicidal can just see the world how I see it, they would understand and would want to die as well. It's not that I feel smarter for being depressed, but I do have a voice in my head that kind of wants to scream "how the fuck do you guys not want to die all the time, look around you!!!" to those around me.
I still see some beauty in the world, like with music, with art, and with the people that I do choose to spend my time with. I don't believe that humanity is ALL bad, but it just doesn't feel worth it to me much of the time. It also feels exhausting to imagine an entire life where I have to live for the sake of others.
Their response was that I have to be able to look out for my own happiness, or work toward that, because so much of these things are out of my control and I cant help but exist alongside all the suffering in the world. Basically, I should make the best out of what I have to work with because what else can I do? I agree with them logically but I just don't want to be alive a lot of the time as of late. I just don't see why I should exist, and the pursuit of happiness, or personal achievement feels meaningless to me at my lowest points. Plus I have low self esteem and I feel pretty stupid a lot of the time.
Aside from some pretty common problems that people deal with in a first world country (some family issues, mediocre minimum wage job, not knowing what to do with life etc.) I'd say I'm quite lucky. I have friends, ones that I feel comfortable opening up to sometimes. I have some semblance of ambition (with music) and although I'm dealing with a repetitive stress injury with my hand that has left me largely unable to work on music, I do feel like if theres anything to truly look forward to, it's recovering from my injury and getting back to something I'm passionate (or as passionate as a depressed person can be) about. All these things considered, I get lost in the fantasy of suicide from time to time, even before my injury. Much more often lately.
Anyway this was more just something I wanted to get off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did lol
tldr: I'm really depressed, don't understand how other don't feel the same way, the world kinda sucks imo, really wanna die a lot of the time blah blah
I was visiting two of my close friends the other week and I was opening up to them about how I feel about my existence. I told them about how much suffering I see in the world, and how I feel like being happy just feels wrong with the state of things. To be more articulate, by "things" I mean issues like climate change, lack of unity in the world, capitalism and so on. I guess I have a pretty basic understanding of these things so it could be that the way I feel is a bit unfounded in a certain way because I definitely could be more educated on these topics; but generally I just don't see much of a reason to keep living other than keeping those around me happy, like my mom, or my friends. This was the general gist of what we discussed. My friends aren't oblivious to these things, they aren't dumb, but somehow they are more capable of moving on with their lives and striving for better, at least to my observations. One of them is a pretty financially successful musician, and the other is on her way. I said that if people who aren't suicidal can just see the world how I see it, they would understand and would want to die as well. It's not that I feel smarter for being depressed, but I do have a voice in my head that kind of wants to scream "how the fuck do you guys not want to die all the time, look around you!!!" to those around me.
I still see some beauty in the world, like with music, with art, and with the people that I do choose to spend my time with. I don't believe that humanity is ALL bad, but it just doesn't feel worth it to me much of the time. It also feels exhausting to imagine an entire life where I have to live for the sake of others.
Their response was that I have to be able to look out for my own happiness, or work toward that, because so much of these things are out of my control and I cant help but exist alongside all the suffering in the world. Basically, I should make the best out of what I have to work with because what else can I do? I agree with them logically but I just don't want to be alive a lot of the time as of late. I just don't see why I should exist, and the pursuit of happiness, or personal achievement feels meaningless to me at my lowest points. Plus I have low self esteem and I feel pretty stupid a lot of the time.
Aside from some pretty common problems that people deal with in a first world country (some family issues, mediocre minimum wage job, not knowing what to do with life etc.) I'd say I'm quite lucky. I have friends, ones that I feel comfortable opening up to sometimes. I have some semblance of ambition (with music) and although I'm dealing with a repetitive stress injury with my hand that has left me largely unable to work on music, I do feel like if theres anything to truly look forward to, it's recovering from my injury and getting back to something I'm passionate (or as passionate as a depressed person can be) about. All these things considered, I get lost in the fantasy of suicide from time to time, even before my injury. Much more often lately.
Anyway this was more just something I wanted to get off my chest. Thanks for reading if you did lol
tldr: I'm really depressed, don't understand how other don't feel the same way, the world kinda sucks imo, really wanna die a lot of the time blah blah
