some thought on this site and death

[a seal]

First of all, this isn't just a vent post and I would very much like to hear your opinions and criticism. Also I'm not new, I used to lurk on here since 2020 but only got deep into it again a few months ago.

What helped me about this site is that on here I could hear people speak out things about suicide that aren't really said anywhere else, and some of those things were thoughts that I also held without really being aware that I held them, because I was never confronted with them before. Those thoughts being that suicide ends my pain, and that I have an actual justification for doing it. And then I realized, of course, I don't believe in any of this!! Why didn't I realize it sooner?!
First of all, for this post to make sense you'll have to accept without proof that nothing happens after death. So if I die, I'll be in physical pain for a while, and then nothing. Even if get a painless method, I will most likely be in emotional pain. So the things that I get out of suicide, I get while I am alive, which are pain and nothing, because there is nobody to experience nonexistence.
Then, how can I even justify killing myself? It will cause the people in my life great pain. I won't be there to take of my parents when they get old. So just suffering doesn't justify suicide, I would also need to believe in a certain kind of ideology. Like that I can do whatever I want with my life because I never asked to be here in the first place. And I just... Don't.
It is kind of funny that I could go to therapy for tens of hours and it never made me stop considering suicide as an option, but using this site for a while turned me into a so-called "pro-lifer" almost immediately. I think part of the reason is the idea that the opposite of a suicidal person is someone who is happy hopeful and full of life. So if you aren't that kind of person, suicide is the way to go for you. But of course that is not true. Of course you can be miserable and hopeless and not suicidal.

People often say that having a purpose is what makes life worth living. But for me, I can't shake the feeling that it is dehumanizing and pathetic to live for the sake of others and it makes me hate everybody. Not only that I have to live for the sake of people that don't respect me and actively try to harm me, but I also resent the people that treat me well because they are the reason why I feel trapped. Also, even though I want to be kind to others, paradoxically I want the people in my life to become demoralized and stop thinking that there is something to live for, because their belief that there is hope and joy and meaning in life is part of the reason why they can't just let me go. Also, I have to keep hating myself because if my self esteem becomes to high I'll start thinking that I deserve to get what I want and I'll kill myself.
So as you can see being suicidal didn't make me more of a compassionate and empathetic person but instead bitter and spiteful towards others and myself, and made antagonize other people that I would otherwise get along with. So I can see why someone in my situation would start to believe that suicide is always justifiable. I also wish that there would be a way out of this mess.

I don't know if anyone cares enough to reply to this or even read it. But I feel like I need to put my thoughts into words on here somehow so that my business with this site can be finished and I can start thinking about things other than suicide. I'm losing the mental capacity to write anything already so I'll stop now. But it is weird how everyone on the depression part of the internet seems to think that either life or suicide is worth it. Where are the people who believe in neither? If there is an internet community for them I would gladly join.

BTW online interactions are quite stressful for me so if I don't respond immediately it might be because of that.

 

[Doombox]

I agree that a suicide focus changes how we interact with the world and make decisions. I'm interested in your idea of living in a space in between death and a joyful life. I think you're right and you highlight a problem with the pro-lifers when they insist that we live for the rainbows and puppies. I wonder if you might be interested in the philosophy of stoicism.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could never stay alive only for the sake of others personally. To me that would be unbearable and I think that no one should be expected to do that against their wishes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is an interesting post.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us. If you manage to leave this site behind and find a way to not be suicidal anymore, then you will have done something that I'll probably never be able to do, so I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

So as you can see being suicidal didn't make me more of a compassionate and empathetic person but instead bitter and spiteful towards others and myself, and made antagonize other people that I would otherwise get along with. So I can see why someone in my situation would start to believe that suicide is always justifiable. I also wish that there would be a way out of this mess.

Is it really being suicidal that caused you to feel bitter and spiteful though? If we lived in a society where our right to die was respected and everyone had access to voluntary euthanasia, then maybe you wouldn't have had a reason to feel angry and spiteful. I'm sure most of us would feel much better about our situations if we could say goodbye to everyone we care about, and have them accept our right to decide so they don't suffer as much after we're gone.

For me, its the pro-lifers trying to prevent us from having a peaceful exit that causes me to feel as negative as I do. The feeling is only enhanced by the lack of understanding from friends and family, because I know I'm just going to get pro-life platitudes that solve nothing if I tell them how I feel.

At the end of the day, the only person we need to justify the act of suicide to is ourselves. If we don't believe it's the right decision, then we probably won't go through with it. There might be reasons for committing suicide that are unjustifiable to you, but are totally justifiable for me or someone else, so the best thing any of us can do is let people make their own choices, but it can't hurt to encourage each other to consider all of our options first, if there's a chance some of us can Recover.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You can choose to live anyway you want to. If you want to live miserable and hopeless, more power to you. Pain is pain to me, whether it is emotional, or physical. I choose not to live that way. I certainly don't think your philosophy could be applied to someone on SS who wants to ctb because of extreme physical pain that they have to endure on a daily basis. But, I hope your little experiment works out for you and you can live with contentment being miserable and hopeless, and still have enough left when the day comes to take care of your parents, or whoever else, that might need the best of you. I'm not sure how old you are, but my experience in life is that, over time, things don't somehow miraculously get better, they get worse. I suspect that will be the case for you, too. Being miserable and hopeless, over the long term, will eat away at you, little by little, day by day, devouring your being, until you're a shell of what you are (were). It's a form of torture, IMO, and that ain't something I believe in, whether it is being inflicted upon me by someone else, or from myself onto myself. Finally, I believe, whole-heartedly, that I, and I alone, have the right to determine anything in my destiny. I didn't have a choice about coming here, but I damn sure have a choice about leaving.

 

[Euthanza]

I also wish that there would be a way out of this mess.

It's called: Legal Voluntary Euthanasia, literally.

Not necessarily medical. It's not always all about diseases, rather A decision (with capital A) which deemed rational as basic human's right.

 

[chloramine]

Personally I think I have a fundamentally different view of suicide than you do? I agree that it's a choice, but I think for a lot of people (especially people who are chronically suicidal) it's more of a giving out. Like, you've been holding up this heavy weight for months, years, decades and you just. Can't anymore. And sure theoretically you can go for another day. Another week. Over and over, but. There's this breakdown of something fundamental. It's something that I believe can be repaired, though not easily and sometimes people just can't anymore. So it's not that it doesn't hurt people or that you don't care it's just that you've reached this point where you can't