some of you been here for so long

[weakandscared]

I see people with super old accounts on here all the time and im just wondering why and how? how many times have you guys failed at this? what methods have you tried? i have had 2 unfortunately (one at 15, one at 17, im now 18) but i think my 3rd will be the charm. i don't understand how it's even possible for people to live past like 20, i can't imagine myself getting to that point at all

 

[ihateearth]

Haha. I didn't think I'd make it past 25. You can meet some good mental health professionals if lucky (85% suck) or a love that makes you hold on longer. I used to say I'd never make it to 25

 

[Green Destiny]

Part of the reason why I'm still here is because I still do not have a reliable sure fire method to CTB.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I'm not someone who's been around SS for years, but I've had suicidal feelings for about 15 years now, since I was 8 years old. I've failed a couple times, I guess I never really "attempted" some of them per see since I chickened out at the last second. It's surprisingly hard to pull a trigger of a gun for some reason. I always thought I wouldn't make it past my sophomore year in high school. Then I said I'd die before I graduated. Then I said I'd day before I graduated college. Now I'm living by myself and am just rotting away.

It was the innate fear of death that all humans have no matter how much you desire it. Back then there was also a bit of hope for me. I always thought that even though I was ostracized and isolated that I'd go to college and get a good job. I clung to that for almost a decade. That didn't work out. Now there just isn't a viable method for me right now. I've been trying to take the steps to buy a gun but I've been really lazy and unmotivated to do so.

If I was given a pill to kill me painlessly and peacefully right now, I'm not even sure I'd take it because I'd be scared. I'd need to feel like utter shit to do it. Most of the time I just feel nothing. It's the fear that I need to get over, and I think my life has to go to complete garbage for me to get over it, as in, I'd have to be close to homelessness to finally go through with it.

 

[weakandscared]

Haha. I didn't think I'd make it past 25. You can meet some good mental health professionals if lucky (85% suck) or a love that makes you hold on longer. I used to say I'd never make it to 25

well that's terrifying, i don't believe in therapy though and i ain't finding love so hopefully i really do die at 19

Part of the reason why I'm still here is because I still do not have a reliable sure fire method to CTB.

do you have any ideas?

 

[etherealgoddess]

I see people with super old accounts on here all the time and im just wondering why and how? how many times have you guys failed at this? what methods have you tried? i have had 2 unfortunately (one at 15, one at 17, im now 18) but i think my 3rd will be the charm. i don't understand how it's even possible for people to live past like 20, i can't imagine myself getting to that point at all

I'm suspecting I'm bipolar because at times I'm super happy and at other times, completely depressed. I am feeling deeply confused about my true intentions and the actions I should take. The idea of suicide has crossed my mind, and I'm grappling with the gravity of this decision.

I'm also really afraid of being left in a vegetative state if I suffer irreparable damage but end up living. I also have a super strong survival instinct, but I'm also very scared of doing hanging or physical suffocation. I would need to do a poison that knocks me out fast before my SI kicks in.

A lot of us aren't alive because we want to be alive. We're alive because it's hard to die. When you're considering suicide but find it hard to finally do it, you're stuck in emotional purgatory. That's where you find people who have been depressed for years and don't have any intention of getting out of it. Then there are the people who have balls of steel. If you find a lot of people back when the site was a lot younger, it's crazy how many profiles I saw that had "last seen" very soon after they joined. It also feels kind of nostalgic in a way to know that these strangers are gone, and their messages are all we have left of them.

 

[kunikuzushi]

there's someone who would be absolutely destroyed by my death, so I can't do it yet. I suspect they'll hate me soon though like everyone else. then I can finally go. I visit here to soothe myself.

 

[weakandscared]

I'm not someone who's been around SS for years, but I've had suicidal feelings for about 15 years now, since I was 8 years old. I've failed a couple times, I guess I never really "attempted" some of them per see since I chickened out at the last second. It's surprisingly hard to pull a trigger of a gun for some reason. I always thought I wouldn't make it past my sophomore year in high school. Then I said I'd die before I graduated. Then I said I'd day before I graduated college. Now I'm living by myself and am just rotting away.

It was the innate fear of death that all humans have no matter how much you desire it. Back then there was also a bit of hope for me. I always thought that even though I was ostracized and isolated that I'd go to college and get a good job. I clung to that for almost a decade. That didn't work out. Now there just isn't a viable method for me right now. I've been trying to take the steps to buy a gun but I've been really lazy and unmotivated to do so.

If I was given a pill to kill me painlessly and peacefully right now, I'm not even sure I'd take it because I'd be scared. I'd need to feel like utter shit to do it. Most of the time I just feel nothing. It's the fear that I need to get over, and I think my life has to go to complete garbage for me to get over it, as in, I'd have to be close to homelessness to finally go through with it.

well the first paragraph was really scary, when i was little i thought id die at 15 and now it's 19 hopefully it doesn't stretch any further. if you're old enough to buy a gun and it's accesible i don't understand why you wouldn't be doing it as fast as you can i know i would

there's someone who would be absolutely destroyed by my death, so I can't do it yet. I suspect they'll hate me soon though like everyone else. then I can finally go. I visit here to soothe myself.

what's your plan?

I'm suspecting I'm bipolar because at times I'm super happy and at other times, completely depressed. I am feeling deeply confused about my true intentions and the actions I should take. The idea of suicide has crossed my mind, and I'm grappling with the gravity of this decision.

I'm also really afraid of being left in a vegetative state if I suffer irreparable damage but end up living. I also have a super strong survival instinct, but I'm also very scared of doing hanging or physical suffocation. I would need to do a poison that knocks me out fast before my SI kicks in.

A lot of us aren't alive because we want to be alive. We're alive because it's hard to die. When you're considering suicide but find it hard to finally do it, you're stuck in emotional purgatory. That's where you find people who have been depressed for years and don't have any intention of getting out of it. Then there are the people who have balls of steel. If you find a lot of people back when the site was a lot younger, it's crazy how many profiles I saw that had "last seen" very soon after they joined. It also feels kind of nostalgic in a way to know that these strangers are gone, and their messages are all we have left of them.

if you're able to you should look into carbon monoxide i wrote a couple threads about it

 

[ilovemydog]

I see people with super old accounts on here all the time and im just wondering why and how? how many times have you guys failed at this? what methods have you tried? i have had 2 unfortunately (one at 15, one at 17, im now 18) but i think my 3rd will be the charm. i don't understand how it's even possible for people to live past like 20, i can't imagine myself getting to that point at all

There was a time I didn't think I'd make it to 18. But now I'm 33

 

[Death is my goal]

most likely because ctb is super difficult especially in some countries with restrictions..

 

[whywere]

I came here, as I not only have no family nor friends, but I was hoping to be able to find folks to chat with, share ideas and not being judged.

I have had 2 attempts and with 24/7 chronic pain, if and when quantity overtakes quality then a VAD is waiting for me.

Walter

 

[dragonofenvy]

well the first paragraph was really scary, when i was little i thought id die at 15 and now it's 19 hopefully it doesn't stretch any further. if you're old enough to buy a gun and it's accesible i don't understand why you wouldn't be doing it as fast as you can i know i would

what's your plan?

if you're able to you should look into carbon monoxide i wrote a couple threads about it

Laziness. Lack of motivation. When you've been put down for so long it's very hard to do anything. I also have to get my license updated at the DMV and they haven't accepted my papers so it's hard for me to get a gun without an updated license considering that it's required to purchase one. I was also gonna opt for a pistol since I don't really want to have a shotgun sitting in an apartment so that also means I'd have to get a concealed carry permit to purchase one, which means firearms classes.

I don't think CO is viable considering I live in an apartment and I don't have a garage.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm trying to wait out my mom. I'm not in a hurry for her to go but when she does I'm out.

 

[weakandscared]

There was a time I didn't think I'd make it to 18. But now I'm 33

that's really scary.. what did you try it with?

 

[oneeyed]

With my last attempt, hospital staff were amazed I pulled through. It was also more or less an impulse decision, so if I were to try again it has to be something more reliable since clearly I'm difficult to kill. People have their ups and downs, sometimes you just don't feel ready even though you think about it alot.

 

[weakandscared]

Laziness. Lack of motivation. When you've been put down for so long it's very hard to do anything. I also have to get my license updated at the DMV and they haven't accepted my papers so it's hard for me to get a gun without an updated license considering that it's required to purchase one. I was also gonna opt for a pistol since I don't really want to have a shotgun sitting in an apartment so that also means I'd have to get a concealed carry permit to purchase one, which means firearms classes.

I don't think CO is viable considering I live in an apartment and I don't have a garage.

you can buy a portable generator, you could use it in your apartment but it would kill other people. so if you care about others you should do it in your car in a parking lot or something.

With my last attempt, hospital staff were amazed I pulled through. It was also more or less an impulse decision, so if I were to try again it has to be something more reliable since clearly I'm difficult to kill. People have their ups and downs, sometimes you just don't feel ready even though you think about it alot.

what did you do?

I came here, as I not only have no family nor friends, but I was hoping to be able to find folks to chat with, share ideas and not being judged.

I have had 2 attempts and with 24/7 chronic pain, if and when quantity overtakes quality then a VAD is waiting for me.

your attempts caused you the chronic pain?

 

[dragonofenvy]

you can buy a portable generator, you could use it in your apartment but it would kill other people. so if you care about others you should do it in your car in a parking lot or something.

Couldn't do it inside cause at the very least I'd get a noise complaint very quickly. And while I don't have much value in human life I do care enough to not kill others just to kill myself. Guess I could try it in my car but isn't CO painful? Where I live, it gets very cold and due to sciency stuff that I don't understand it can make the catalytic converter on your car not function properly or something and CO can get in the cabin in your car. I think a couple people die of it per year here. Isn't it supposed to be painful or at the very least very uncomfortable as you're trying to gasp for the oxygen that's not there and feeling pain in your head, chest and throat?

 

[Done_With_It_All]

Some people use this site for the recovery forum.

 

[weakandscared]

Couldn't do it inside cause at the very least I'd get a noise complaint very quickly. And while I don't have much value in human life I do care enough to not kill others just to kill myself. Guess I could try it in my car but isn't CO painful? Where I live, it gets very cold and due to sciency stuff that I don't understand it can make the catalytic converter on your car not function properly or something and CO can get in the cabin in your car. I think a couple people die of it per year here. Isn't it supposed to be painful or at the very least very uncomfortable as you're trying to gasp for the oxygen that's not there and feeling pain in your head, chest and throat?

if it gets cold where you live that helps a lot, what model of car do you have? you'd either need a garage or a hose pipe though. carbon monoxide isn't painful by itself because we can't really sense it and it's invisible and odorless, it's the carbon dioxide that makes you feel like you're choking. but it's either that or a rope. id rather the car or generator

 

[dragonofenvy]

if it gets cold where you live that helps a lot, what model of car do you have? you'd either need a garage or a hose pipe though. carbon monoxide isn't painful by itself because we can't really sense it and it's invisible and odorless, it's the carbon dioxide that makes you feel like you're choking. but it's either that or a rope. id rather the car or generator

Ford Focus. It's above freezing now so the catalytic converter would be able to function at full efficiency. It'd likely have to be generator in the car in some secluded area if I chose to do it this way.

 

[weakandscared]

Ford Focus. It's above freezing now so the catalytic converter would be able to function at full efficiency. It'd likely have to be generator in the car in some secluded area if I chose to do it this way.

yeah that's probably what im gonna go with. might literally just buy it from walmart then immediately do it in the parking lot when it's dark. it's really busy and big and they can't stop me if the doors are locked anyway

 

[Circles]

I see people with super old accounts on here all the time and im just wondering why and how? how many times have you guys failed at this? what methods have you tried? i have had 2 unfortunately (one at 15, one at 17, im now 18) but i think my 3rd will be the charm. i don't understand how it's even possible for people to live past like 20, i can't imagine myself getting to that point at all

Suicide isn't a race. I've been on and off planning for my suicide and backing out again constantly for years now. I have my reasons but mainly because my dysfunctional family including my sick mother needs me, or at least I tell myself that. I guess I'm one of the hypocritical frauds by staying here and not doing the very the thing I came here for, but alas I'm pathetic but hey it's whatever at this point.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I've made it to 58. Hopefully, there won't be a 59, or even if there is, hopefully not much past that. I didn't want to be here still. I just have things I need to take care of, really important things, things that only I can do before I go. I don't have anyone to take care of these things after I'm gone. I've never tried CTB before. Hopefully, the 1st time will be the only time. Things were OK for me at 20. Things were good for me up until 30, and then it all started going downhill in some regards and stagnating in the rest. No real happiness since in my 20's, though, so I can understand how so many young people feel the need to CTB. Life may get better for some. It didn't for me. And it all culminated in worse, worse, and even worse over the past 5 years or so. I'm so tired, and I'm so done. As soon as practicably possible, I'm out of here. It can't come soon enough.

 

[weakandscared]

Suicide isn't a race. I've been on and off planning for my suicide and backing out again constantly for years now. I have my reasons but mainly because my dysfunctional family including my sick mother needs me, or at least I tell myself that. I guess I'm one of the hypocritical frauds by staying here and not doing the very the thing I came here for, but alas I'm pathetic but hey it's whatever at this point.

damn 6 years…

I've made it to 58. Hopefully, there won't be a 59, or even if there is, hopefully not much past that. I didn't want to be here still. I just have things I need to take care of, really important things, things that only I can do before I go. I don't have anyone to take care of these things after I'm gone. I've never tried CTB before. Hopefully, the 1st time will be the only time. Things were OK for me at 20. Things were good for me up until 30, and then it all started going downhill in some regards and stagnating in the rest. No real happiness since in my 20's, though, so I can understand how so many young people feel the need to CTB. Life may get better for some. It didn't for me. And it all culminated in worse, worse, and even worse over the past 5 years or so. I'm so tired, and I'm so done. As soon as practicably possible, I'm out of here. It can't come soon enough.

what's your plan?

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Not everyone here is actively or urgently suicidal. It can be conducive to living to acquire the means or develop a plan or just act like suicide is what you're going to do.

Notwithstanding obtaining a reliable method there are immense psychological barriers that you have to surmount in order to kill yourself. And the way to surmount them is a very individual process.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Suicide isn't a race.

Exactly, and it really shouldn't be a race.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Everybody is different. Methods relating to ctb are harder to access for some people than it would be for others. In my case, the reasons as to why I want to be dead are the same reasons that are stopping me from actually killing myself. For one, I get overwhelmed with even the slightest bit of pressure and I also suffer through massive executive dysfunction. I wish I could be dead but actually going through with that is really difficult

 

[weakandscared]

Everybody is different. Methods relating to ctb are harder to access for some people than it would be for others. In my case, the reasons as to why I want to be dead are the same reasons that are stopping me from actually killing myself. For one, I get overwhelmed with even the slightest bit of pressure and I also suffer through massive executive dysfunction. I wish I could be dead but actually going through with that is really difficult

what's your plan?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

what's your plan?

I don't have one. There isn't really anything that I can do besides drowning during day time which sounds awful and unlikely to actually work. I can't access guns because I'm not in the US. I can't access SN because I live with family who are strict when it comes to me... this is also why I can't access things such as a portable generator for CO or a rope for hanging. Even I could manage to sneak these things around, I don't really have anywhere to do it as there just isn't any safe place for me to do it; not to mention that I also can't leave at night due to family so there's that idea gone. I can't travel to mexico on my own so I can't really get N either.

The only methods that I can really do are methods that are related to the outside environment such as jumping, train and drowning. There aren't any buildings near me which I can just jump off so I'm not doing that (besides, my SI is too great for that anyway), I can't get run over by a train because there aren't any near me and also because of SI. The only method that I can realistically do is drowning but even that is unlikely to actually work.

And, no, I don't think I can ever be independent due to my autism

 

[UKscotty]

I don't think we are quite ready yet.

We say we can't access a reliable method, are waiting for some life event to pass, can't until some date in the future etc.

Once we are ready, we will find a way and CTB.

That's just my belief anyway.