Social issues

[Burning_soul]

I used to be moderately social when I was young- I still felt distant to some degree with people due to how different my struggles are to most others but I still kept up appearances. I don't enjoy being around people and the ultimate benefit of creating relationships with others is null to me due to my plan to ultimately CTB and my thereby lack of value to health. My mother throughout my life has repeatedly criticized how quietly I speak and demeaned any friends I would bring home. She demeaned my ability to socialise and her voice is constantly in my head when I approach people. Even watching people have conversations with one another makes me super uncomfortable on how the other person could respond even if they're doing something good for the other person. When I do take interest in speaking to other people I get obsessed with the other person and they're all I can think of. In my lowest states I fantasise about the person even if I've never spoken to them. Then, after knowing them a while and developing something potentially, even if they don't change, I feel compelled to completely cut them off. It's torture to be around them any longer and I need to get away. After a while I regret this a little but ultimately go against coming back. I feel a baseline hatered to people and annoyance but at the same time I'm extremely lonely but I can't have both at the same time. I have a boyfriend and he's the best anyone could ask for and I've been with him for 3 years now and I know love isn't something that'll last in emotion forever and I don't plan on leaving him at all but no interactions draw my attention or imprint on me in the intense way it used to. It was painful how much I felt towards him and I know it's super immature to want to hold onto that, but I rarely feel anything raw nowadays no matter what I do. Sometimes I encounter other people that make me feel a fraction of what I initially felt with him and fantasize about them or follow them a bit until my thinking about them turns into hatred and scrutiny of that person like it always does and I feel horribly guilty for doing this but it's also one of the only things that makes me feel anymore. I definitely lack curiosity but why bother being curious. People are all the same in the end and what do I even get out of human interaction. No matter how close I try to get with other people they cannot understand my base desires and recognize me which makes everything feel so pointless. I've also experienced so much that has caused me to push away from people. I don't speak to anyone but him at this point no matter how much he encourages me to on a friendly or casual level. My therapist says I've built myself up to be bad at conversation rather than it being an intrinsic truth but I do try to speak to people and never know when I'm supposed to speak and end up getting laughed at or getting pushed to the back since I struggle finding the flow of conversation and ultimately enjoying the interaction because Im completely disconnected to who I am. Does anyone understand me?

 

[Kamaainakupua]

oes anyone understand me?

Yes, I can relate to a lot of what you shared, beginning with the first line:

I used to be moderately social when I was young

Most of us have shared experiences, or emotions, and the longer you are here, the more you will see that you are not alone in these feelings.
The catch22 of being annoyed by but still needing people is hard to overcome. I encourage you to keep browsing the thread list until you see what you feel, share, repeat until you can search, and then the forum really opens up.
Good luck, and welcome

 

[Burning_soul]

I hate how depressing a lot of my life has been, in some degree I feel overly self centred or guilty for possibly over focusing on all this wrong that has brought me to such a point of injury and isolation but the most prominent memories of my childhood have been of a neglected relationship by my parents end and maybe that was from a distorted overly centred perspective but that is what forms my memories now. Anyways, I have found someone I enjoy speaking with but feel this overwhelming embarrassment and frustration with myself in our mutual authenticity with how poorly adjusted I am to speaking and how we describe our histories and struggles where mine are more apparently ill. He's never responded in a way that indicates any lesser thinking of me for this but I still feel this awkwardness and anxiety on my end. I try to ask him questions and engage with his thoughts but I also message a lot longer than him which I'm worried offputs him or that I'm doing something wrong. Anyways, childhood came up and he's spoken well of his own before so I asked and he told me about all the wonderful experiences he's had as a child with him family exposing him to a lot and playing with him and when he asked about my playfulness as a child I didn't want to lie to him so I earnestly said how I was always very out of it from my parents accounts and how my attempts to connect with my parents I only remember ever being shut down. He responded recognising it as bleak but that he sees me now to have grown past that a lot, which was sweet but it made me feel guilty for putting it on him. I don't know, I'm not very good at talking and I'd like to be honest so what I do at that point is typically redirect the conversation or take what we are saying at a larger scope but it still deeply embarrasses me to have so much strife in my memories and the struggles I have. I really hope he doesn't leave me from this, I hope he too is in genuine expression and he doesn't see myself the way I do. I'm a pathetic waste of space who wastes her time all day doing nothing. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve this connection at all when I give nothing into the system. I make other people's lives worse burdening them with mine under true expression but if it's not true expression why bother interrupting people anyways. I'm filthy. So much of what I do is filthy, my hygiene, how negatively I think of people, my lying, what I eat, what provokes me. There's nothing more someone like me, just me, all alone, deserves other than a death. How sweet would that be for this little thorn in the side of earth: neither seen nor heard nor judged nor hurt. Let me collapse into a point and an object you can overlook, something that cannot disgust you. I'm sorry.