I've been seriously considering suicide for some time now. I've been picturing me getting hit by that fast speed train too many times to count by now and I think i'll be able to pull it trough someday. I know how it feels to get into an accident like this because Ive already been hit by a car. The knock is so fast that you loose consciousness before feeling anything. It's painless but it's not that easy to deliberately stand before a massive object that moves with a shit load of force towards you.
Anyways, I don't know when im pulling my plan through but I will do it with certainty.
The circumstances leading me to that decision is my life being a meaningless, funless, pathetic void of an existence.
The main reason for that,
social ineptitude.
Before someone says something. It's not something I can change ( as most people love to preach it can be ) if that were the case I would already have a long time ago. And I sure did try to change that, I tried countless things: therapies, meds, weed. Fuck I've been trying things for 8 years straight now but all i am left with is believing that this is just an inherent part of my personality now. It might be my personality it might be autism I don't know what it is, its just no way to live.
Imagine your life stripped away from any casual interaction with people because your awkwardness and anxiety doesn't permit you to do so. Imagine how excruciatingly quiet and meaningless it would all be. I can talk with my sister and parents fine, but that's my only scope of interaction. Imagine being almost completely homebound because the outside world means only anxiety and there ultimately is nothing there for you because you can't engage in it. Not having any friends takes an immense tool on me mentally and I can't see a life I want to live in in there I don't have any. I can't find an escape to all of this, the only thing I do have is fantasizing about it taking an end so I don't have to live this blandness anymore.
I don't really suffer. I just feel nothing all the time. Life gives me no input, well no input other than feelings of shame.
That's my reason. I can't take this blandness, I might as well be dead.
By my 25th birthday I'll be gone, or sooner if I snap.
Thank you for reading, if you relate to any of this feel free to share your experience too.
Anyways, I don't know when im pulling my plan through but I will do it with certainty.
The circumstances leading me to that decision is my life being a meaningless, funless, pathetic void of an existence.
The main reason for that,
social ineptitude.
Before someone says something. It's not something I can change ( as most people love to preach it can be ) if that were the case I would already have a long time ago. And I sure did try to change that, I tried countless things: therapies, meds, weed. Fuck I've been trying things for 8 years straight now but all i am left with is believing that this is just an inherent part of my personality now. It might be my personality it might be autism I don't know what it is, its just no way to live.
Imagine your life stripped away from any casual interaction with people because your awkwardness and anxiety doesn't permit you to do so. Imagine how excruciatingly quiet and meaningless it would all be. I can talk with my sister and parents fine, but that's my only scope of interaction. Imagine being almost completely homebound because the outside world means only anxiety and there ultimately is nothing there for you because you can't engage in it. Not having any friends takes an immense tool on me mentally and I can't see a life I want to live in in there I don't have any. I can't find an escape to all of this, the only thing I do have is fantasizing about it taking an end so I don't have to live this blandness anymore.
I don't really suffer. I just feel nothing all the time. Life gives me no input, well no input other than feelings of shame.
That's my reason. I can't take this blandness, I might as well be dead.
By my 25th birthday I'll be gone, or sooner if I snap.
Thank you for reading, if you relate to any of this feel free to share your experience too.
