-nobodyknows-
I will face my fate.
- Jun 16, 2024
- 798
When I think about my past, I can't help but notice that my clearest memories are the most painful ones. By comparison, I don't really have any that really make me happy when I think about them. Maybe this is some sort of monkey brain thing where you remember the things that hurt you so you don't get hurt again, but I wish I didn't have so many of them, or that I had some stronger positive memories to sort of balance the scales.
Regrets are similar. I remember all the times I messed up but can't really remember any where I did something really well.
I don't know. I just wish I had more positive memories to think about. Maybe the lack of such things is why I feel the way I do. Either way, it's definitely not a good thing.
I think that part of the problem is that the times in my life where I felt the most hopeful simply just did not go well, with one experience being particularly bad. I think that experience really messed up the way I see myself. I don't really know what to do about that.
Most everything has been set in stone at this point as well, which just makes me feel trapped. I don't really see any way to escape my negative feelings, and I really don't want any more bad memories. I know I'll have more though, as that's just how life goes. But I really could use a big happy memory to compensate. Something that I can look back on and say "this made continuing worth it."
I don't know. Maybe my personality is just too pessimistic. As if my brain is repressing any positive memories I make. I wouldn't be surprised if this was happening to some degree, as these memories would lead to negative ones where things fell apart.
I have heard that, for many people, their happiest memories are things like the day they got married or the day their child was born. I have yet to ever have anything like that. I hope I do, but I don't know if I ever will.
It's kind of weird to think about. "I may not have any really happy memories now, but if I can stay around for long enough, maybe I will one day." It seems stupid, but that is how I am currently trying to think.
I really, really hope I can have a memory like that.
Regrets are similar. I remember all the times I messed up but can't really remember any where I did something really well.
I don't know. I just wish I had more positive memories to think about. Maybe the lack of such things is why I feel the way I do. Either way, it's definitely not a good thing.
I think that part of the problem is that the times in my life where I felt the most hopeful simply just did not go well, with one experience being particularly bad. I think that experience really messed up the way I see myself. I don't really know what to do about that.
Most everything has been set in stone at this point as well, which just makes me feel trapped. I don't really see any way to escape my negative feelings, and I really don't want any more bad memories. I know I'll have more though, as that's just how life goes. But I really could use a big happy memory to compensate. Something that I can look back on and say "this made continuing worth it."
I don't know. Maybe my personality is just too pessimistic. As if my brain is repressing any positive memories I make. I wouldn't be surprised if this was happening to some degree, as these memories would lead to negative ones where things fell apart.
I have heard that, for many people, their happiest memories are things like the day they got married or the day their child was born. I have yet to ever have anything like that. I hope I do, but I don't know if I ever will.
It's kind of weird to think about. "I may not have any really happy memories now, but if I can stay around for long enough, maybe I will one day." It seems stupid, but that is how I am currently trying to think.
I really, really hope I can have a memory like that.
