Venting So it comes down to this

[goodoldnoname923]

Well,i'm not really sure what to say or were to begin. I don't feel upset i don't feel depressed i just feel numb and in acceptance of this

At the same time though you look at your life and you think,couldn't things have gone another way couldn't things have gone differently

Despite all the suicidal ideation i've had and visions of me killing myself or getting killed in all of these various ways weirdly this is not necessarily the outcome i ever wanted but i'm accepting of it


There is so many opportunities i felt I could've had if i created or taken them

Opportunities I should've had but was never given the opportunity

Among many relationships i've lost due to my shitty actions behaviours insecurities and emotions it's been hard to ever really develop them or maintain


I feel over the years it's become increasingly difficult for me to connect with people because i've become so detached from reality and my emotions

And if i had been more honest with people and even myself perhaps things would've have gotten as bad as they did…sure i can point fingers at other people and circumstances sure but often i find myself failing to take accountability or acknowledge my own faults wrong doings or even what I could've done better

I find myself either blaming everyone but myself or solely blaming myself for everything

I lost my best friend,i lost my crush,someone who i loved and thought the world of who i couldn't find my way of expressing that to them…and there gone rightfully…my only real reason to live

Were they my only reason to live because they made me happy or because i should make them happy…honestly it was the former but it really should've been the ladder

I focused so much time on being with her that I didn't stop to think "what does she want from me?" And i really wish i had…i really wish i had lived for myself in some way…and dedicated the rest of my life to making her happy

But now she is happy without me,happier than she's ever been and for her sake i hope that continues

I want to thank this community for all the help it's given me,I genuinely don't think I would've gotten this far without you all

And i hope in years to come suicide is genuinely more welcomed as a last resort of sorts,I definitely feel it shouldn't be the 1st option people consider but I definitely feel it should be more well accepted

Thank you all really your all very kind people

 

[Abyssal]

Are you catching the bus? Man I'll miss seeing your avatar around, and the threads you made were read by more than just me. It's selfish but I wish you'd live, the place was a little brighter with you around even if we didn't interact, but I understand that this is what you wish and I support your decisions. Maybe we shall meet on the other side one day.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Are you catching the bus? Man I'll miss seeing your avatar around, and the threads you made were read by more than just me. It's selfish but I wish you'd live, the place was a little brighter with you around even if we didn't interact, but I understand that this is what you wish and I support your decisions. Maybe we shall meet on the other side one day.

Yea i have done a forum on it updating my process,and thanks your words actually touch my heart despite how numb i feel i guess its weird thinking about how many people read your words.

Part of me would like to continue living myself but i just couldn't afford to put myself and others through misery any longer

I keep telling myself and people tell me "there is good in you" but all i ever seem to focus on is the bad and there is alot of it,maybe i was redeemable maybe I wasn't but either way it doesn't change the pain and suffering i've endured and caused others too

I wish i had been a better person i wish i had done more for others i wish i hadn't cared so much for myself i wish i had kept things to myself more but was more honest when i opened up

I wish i had done things differently but thanks for your support really and i hope you well in finding joy in existence or escaping the misery of it

 

[fleetingnight]

I hope this comes off the right way, sorry if it sounds off or I'm overstepping. From all the threads and replies I've seen you in, you've always seemed kind, to me. Whether you feel like you're a good person or not, thank you for working hard to be. Too many people in this world don't even bother to try to be one.