wishingonstars
Member
- Aug 6, 2025
- 18
Just ordered SN and feeling sick to my stomach. I really didn't think I'd actually go through with it. It will just be a backup in case everything gets too bad, hopefully going to be trying ketamine therapy and I've heard very good things about its potential. I mostly ordered it because there's the law in the US trying to be passed that would make it illegal for non businesses to buy. It seems like it was too easy both to find and purchase... seems too good to be true that I would find it after only a quick Google search when I see so many posts on here about how people can't find it anywhere in the US.
My biggest fear right now is that one of my roommates will find the package before I do and get suspicious possibly even open it and if I was found out it would likely break all the trust anyone who knew had in me before. There would be no way for me to convince anyone that I was buying it just for the comfort of knowing I had an out without the intention of actually using it. No one would believe that even though it's true. It all seems so risky that I might honestly just cancel the order. I can't decide.
I honestly would put myself in the hospital before going through with ctb because of the people I care for, especially my younger sibling who has great ambitions and I know will have an amazing and successful life, no way I will mess that up. Plus if I added up all the hurt of everyone who would suffer from my death it would definitely outweigh the suffering I am experiencing now by being alive.
The SN says it has a 10 year expiration date though so in 10 years when it will likely to totally impossible to get SN especially not legally say everything has only continued to get worse, I will be in my early-mid 30's and at that point I will have an out if nothing helps in the next decade. Buying this seems like such a reasonable step to take, no one knows what the future holds it may be that I live under a dictatorship and can't get out of the country and am being hunted down for being trans, under those circumstances ctb would be the logical next step. The issue is that if someone finds it no one will understand that, no one will be like oh yeah that's reasonable I can't believe I never thought of that, nobody. Besides folks on here but definitely not my friends or family. I just can't stand the feeling of being stuck and backed into a corner, I need to know I always have options. I need an emergency break glass out even if I know I will never use it. I wish that was more understandable. I don't want for people who I care about to feel betrayal if they ever found it, like I was lying to them and secretly planning to leave them all and cause them immense pain but I know that is what they would all feel.
My biggest fear right now is that one of my roommates will find the package before I do and get suspicious possibly even open it and if I was found out it would likely break all the trust anyone who knew had in me before. There would be no way for me to convince anyone that I was buying it just for the comfort of knowing I had an out without the intention of actually using it. No one would believe that even though it's true. It all seems so risky that I might honestly just cancel the order. I can't decide.
I honestly would put myself in the hospital before going through with ctb because of the people I care for, especially my younger sibling who has great ambitions and I know will have an amazing and successful life, no way I will mess that up. Plus if I added up all the hurt of everyone who would suffer from my death it would definitely outweigh the suffering I am experiencing now by being alive.
The SN says it has a 10 year expiration date though so in 10 years when it will likely to totally impossible to get SN especially not legally say everything has only continued to get worse, I will be in my early-mid 30's and at that point I will have an out if nothing helps in the next decade. Buying this seems like such a reasonable step to take, no one knows what the future holds it may be that I live under a dictatorship and can't get out of the country and am being hunted down for being trans, under those circumstances ctb would be the logical next step. The issue is that if someone finds it no one will understand that, no one will be like oh yeah that's reasonable I can't believe I never thought of that, nobody. Besides folks on here but definitely not my friends or family. I just can't stand the feeling of being stuck and backed into a corner, I need to know I always have options. I need an emergency break glass out even if I know I will never use it. I wish that was more understandable. I don't want for people who I care about to feel betrayal if they ever found it, like I was lying to them and secretly planning to leave them all and cause them immense pain but I know that is what they would all feel.
