SN intercepted, plan/attempt was foiled — I feel fine

[Dried_Ink]

In August of last year I planned to ctb with SN after 4 or so unsuccessful attempts with a lethal fentanyl OD and "practicing" hanging with a belt to the point of standing on the chair with the belt around my neck and not being able to overcome SI enough to kick the chair…I ordered the SN from a reputable jungle website. I had my eye on the delivery tracker on a Friday but it wasn't due to be delivered on Monday of the following week so I took a drive to clear my head. Knowing that I would be dead in a mater of days gave me a strange sense of calm. Note was written and all that.

My phone buzzed to a text message from my mom with a picture of my mom's hand holding the bag of SN. My heart dropped down my throat and into my chest. She thought it was a bag of "nitrates" that I purchased to get high, so I went with that story and got admitted to my second rehab, rather than what would have been my 7th admission to a psychiatric institution (after actually intentionally ODing on fentanyl about a week later and waking up to my parents, EMT's and cops standing over me).

I did a month and a half long stay at the detox/rehab, got back on my bipolar meds, and have been sober ever since with no relapse of suicidal ideations. I figure there's some force out there that really wants me on this planet for some time longer.

Idk what the point of this post is… You've probably heard it a million times and I want to echo it because I've been at the bottom. I just want anyone out there that's struggling to know even when you're at the end of your rope, there's hope.

 

[LeapOfFaith]

In August of last year I planned to ctb with SN after 4 or so unsuccessful attempts with a lethal fentanyl OD and "practicing" hanging with a belt to the point of standing on the chair with the belt around my neck and not being able to overcome SI enough to kick the chair…I ordered the SN from a reputable jungle website. I had my eye on the delivery tracker on a Friday but it wasn't due to be delivered on Monday of the following week so I took a drive to clear my head. Knowing that I would be dead in a mater of days gave me a strange sense of calm. Note was written and all that.

My phone buzzed to a text message from my mom with a picture of my mom's hand holding the bag of SN. My heart dropped down my throat and into my chest. She thought it was a bag of "nitrates" that I purchased to get high, so I went with that story and got admitted to my second rehab, rather than what would have been my 7th admission to a psychiatric institution (after actually intentionally ODing on fentanyl about a week later and waking up to my parents, EMT's and cops standing over me).

I did a month and a half long stay at the detox/rehab, got back on my bipolar meds, and have been sober ever since with no relapse of suicidal ideations. I figure there's some force out there that really wants me on this planet for some time longer.

Idk what the point of this post is… You've probably heard it a million times and I want to echo it because I've been at the bottom. I just want anyone out there that's struggling to know even when you're at the end of your rope, there's hope.

I am glad that you did not succeed in your recent attempts if this is how you are feeling now. I really do wish your life to continue bringing you this strength. I gather that you have been through a lot. Thank you for spreading hope to the ones that needs it. All the best

 

[GasMonkey]

I just want anyone out there that's struggling to know even when you're at the end of your rope, there's hope.

Shouldn't this be in the Recovery section?

 

[wait.what]

I'm really glad you're doing better, OP. Recovery from substance abuse in particular is extremely difficult, and I'm happy to hear you're managing to stay sober.

Thank you also for your offer of hope, but I'm afraid I'm not interested at this time. I don't have the energy to sustain it, and I really don't have the energy for the inevitable self-patch-up job required after it dies out again.

You certainly have the right to offer hope anywhere you like, but I think you'd get a better response literally anywhere but the Suicide Discussion section of this website. It's not really where people go when they're looking for someone to rekindle their hopes. This site does have a "Recovery" section, which would probably be a more congenial location for your message.

 

[xBrialesana]

Lol I've wanted to share my story but haven't been on forever- I might make a post for the laughs.
I have always carried my SN with me in my car- between having them too long(probably fine, just paranoid) and the fact they went through at least 1-2+ HOT ASS Los Angeles summers-plus they were in HUGE quantities (like buckets, was all I could get at the time). 2 separate manufactures.
Anyways I had to have some stuff done to my car so I emptied my depression car into a bedroom at a relative's- my SN went with me EVERYWHERE (I couldn't let go to the ones I knew weren't good- weird sentimental or idk, I was gonna test them at least).

Anyways like I said I took it EVERYWHERE ALWAYS but I had to run to work to open last minute sometime this past year— I had a bad feeling when I realized people were over while I was on my break- I then panicked with a gut feeling and zoomed home and found every piece of paper being read (so embarrassing, shit from high school was in there) and this was the ONE time I left my SN (I called them my safety buckets lol, they were so comforting to have).

When I rushed home they were considered about this and that and then pulled me aside to have a serious talk about the "nitrite"- I panicked and then realized what their concern was. All they saw was that it was "explosive", ect, per the labels, how dangerous it is.. (I guess they didn't look too much into it?) but yeah lol I think they thought I was building a bomb or something lol or was gonna use it to attack.
(And I do have a history of psych stuff so I really thought CTB was all it would be).

So I had to pick what would be the lesser evil….. i came up with that I was going to make it into something for self defense in case I was ever s assaulted again. lmfao. I told them I took it to the police station. It's back in the trunk.
Whatever, in this world you apparently look less crazy making an explosive than ctb lol

 

[june]

Lol I've wanted to share my story but haven't been on forever- I might make a post for the laughs.
I have always carried my SN with me in my car- between having them too long(probably fine, just paranoid) and the fact they went through at least 1-2+ HOT ASS Los Angeles summers-plus they were in HUGE quantities (like buckets, was all I could get at the time). 2 separate manufactures.
Anyways I had to have some stuff done to my car so I emptied my depression car into a bedroom at a relative's- my SN went with me EVERYWHERE (I couldn't let go to the ones I knew weren't good- weird sentimental or idk, I was gonna test them at least).

Anyways like I said I took it EVERYWHERE ALWAYS but I had to run to work to open last minute sometime this past year— I had a bad feeling when I realized people were over while I was on my break- I then panicked with a gut feeling and zoomed home and found every piece of paper being read (so embarrassing, shit from high school was in there) and this was the ONE time I left my SN (I called them my safety buckets lol, they were so comforting to have).

When I rushed home they were considered about this and that and then pulled me aside to have a serious talk about the "nitrite"- I panicked and then realized what their concern was. All they saw was that it was "explosive", ect, per the labels, how dangerous it is.. (I guess they didn't look too much into it?) but yeah lol I think they thought I was building a bomb or something lol or was gonna use it to attack.
(And I do have a history of psych stuff so I really thought CTB was all it would be).

So I had to pick what would be the lesser evil….. i came up with that I was going to make it into something for self defense in case I was ever s assaulted again. lmfao. I told them I took it to the police station. It's back in the trunk.
Whatever, in this world you apparently look less crazy making an explosive than ctb lol

I'm having a hard time picturing these buckets

 

[FuneralCry]

Seriously, you've got to be kidding me. You do know that this is a suicide discussion not one for delusional pro life views and embarrassing toxic positivity. Why are you even here if you aren't even suicidal anymore and there's so so much hope for you, just go and enjoy life instead rather than invalidating the suffering of others. Is there any proof that there's hope for everyone, I don't think so and you know nothing about how others experience life.

Just because you are no longer suicidal doesn't give you the right to come onto a suicide discussion and spread your disgusting toxic positivity, you are clearly so blinded by your privilege and delusions to the point that you are unable to have a realistic view on the reality of this existence. If you want to preach positivity so much then go and post in the recovery section, posts like this in no way belong in suicide discussions. And also please don't post ridiculous statements like that in the threads of others. If life is good for you, then great!, but people who invalidate the suffering of others like that just makes the world a worse place.

 

[Dried_Ink]

@ all those above who told me to post in the Recovery section, sorry if I offended you in any way that was not my intention and for that I apologize. I had actually meant to do that idk how it got to this board sorry. Mods if you have the capability to migrate my thread I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for the kind words all. I never want to be in that dark painful place ever again

 

[Papilio_polyxenes]

I'm thankful you've found peace, and I don't believe it's advisable to make life-or-death decisions in a bipolar manic state. For me, having my SN intercepted would be devastating - not comforting.

In fact, I plan to no-show work and skip classes next week just to ensure I receive the IC shipment first. If it gets taken from me, I'll just use the "I'm starting a small aquarium" excuse that I've workshopped.

Every decision I've made since September/October has been with CTB in mind. I literally can't imagine failure at this stage of commitment.

 

[BurningMan]

Congratulations. It's nice to see someone who is finding a path for themselves on this planet. I hope you continue to make progress in your current journey. Maybe there was some divine intervention in it all?

 

[rationaltake]

Thanks for telling your story. I'm glad things are working out for you. There are people on this forum who want to recover.

 

[Dried_Ink]

Seriously, you've got to be kidding me. You do know that this is a suicide discussion not one for delusional pro life views and embarrassing toxic positivity. Why are you even here if you aren't even suicidal anymore and there's so so much hope for you, just go and enjoy life instead rather than invalidating the suffering of others. Is there any proof that there's hope for everyone, I don't think so and you know nothing about how others experience life.

Just because you are no longer suicidal doesn't give you the right to come onto a suicide discussion and spread your disgusting toxic positivity, you are clearly so blinded by your privilege and delusions to the point that you are unable to have a realistic view on the reality of this existence. If you want to preach positivity so much then go and post in the recovery section, posts like this in no way belong in suicide discussions. And also please don't post ridiculous statements like that in the threads of others. If life is good for you, then great!, but people who invalidate the suffering of others like that just makes the world a worse place.

Ok

 

[MideonNViscera]

Ok

It's usually best to respond to FC with this gif.

 

[Dried_Ink]

For the record, my intention is not to prevent anyone from doing anything it is within their power to do. We all have free will. But what we cannot escape our consequences. There are karmic consequences to everything in this life and the next. Our actions have ripple effects into the aeon.

My intention is to share my testimony so it doesn't go unheard. If only one person finds hope in my story— a lurker, member, poster, idc —then my work is done. Someone brought up divine intervention, and I certainly have no doubt in my mind that it is real. I like to take the Buddhist stance to human life and consider the fact that getting born in a human form is as rare as a turtle sticking its head through a yoke in all the ocean every few million years. I now wholeheartedly know that my life is a gift. If this sentiment offends you, sorry. I hope you will one day come to realize that yours is too.

 

[MideonNViscera]

Don't sweat it. You didn't do anything wrong. You're acting like a human being.