Venting SN arrived. It's getting real.

[LunarLight]

I got my SN from a Polish source. Others said it's legit.
Shit. It's getting real.
I'm waiting for metoclopramide, propranolol and alprazolam to arrive in my mailbox.
I can't write my suicide note for my partner yet, I burst into tears everytime I try to.
Shit. It's getting real.
I've been waiting for this moment for 16 years. I finally have the power to exit.
I could choose not to wait, CTB right now. Fall asleep forever.
But I want to make sure I'll die. I don't want to throw it all up, verge on death, and wake up a few hours later with a headache and nausea.
Shit. It's getting real.
My partner is gonna hurt so much. I'm so, so sorry. Sorry for leaving so soon. I wish we could have recorded that album of your songs together. Sorry to be so weak. Incapable.
So much time wasted. One year since I recorded my last song. Bedrotting ever since. Unable to pick up my guitar and sing.
All the beautiful things you and I could have created together, falling into oblivion.
I wish I could live. I wish I loved life. I'm so, so fed up with my sick brain. Everything tastes like shit.
Colorblind people can't see colors. I can't feel pleasure.
Therapy, meds, hard drugs. Nothing helps. (Well, actually, K and H worked for a while, but it was only temporary.)
I can't study. I can't work. I live on disabilities allowance. I'm lonely. I spend all my time in my bed.
As I wrote in one of the 90 songs I will never record: "I don't want to live this life forever".
Shit. It's getting real.
I never fit in. I was bullied all the time at school because I was autistic and didn't know that. Even in college, almost everybody was wary of me, because I never smiled.
I'm trans. I should have never begun my transition. I should have stayed in the closet. I should have taken advantage of my male privileges to make something out of my life. Now I'm stuck. I just can't stand the violence we face every fucking day.
I don't give a fuck about gender conformity. I just wanted to wear dresses and make-up and be pretty. Now I wear only jeans and t-shirts because I'm afraid to be assaulted when I go out. I live in constant fear. My chronic anxiety worsens
You just can't be autistic, depressed and trans in this world. Pick up a fight, girl.
I'm a fucking loser. I was in the most prestigious school in my country. I could have lived a promising future. I fucking dropped out. Fuck me. Fuck my autism. Fuck my anxiety. Fuck my depression. Fuck my treatment-resistant brain.
Nothing ever gets better.

Shit. It's getting real.
I plan to leave by night when my partner sleeps, walk 40 minutes to an isolated place, where I won't be found before dawn I think. I'll have music in my ears and everything I need in my backpack. 30g of SN in 60ml of water as I'm a fat bitch.
I just hope they don't wake up and realize I'm not here anymore.
Will I chicken out? Maybe. I'm a bit afraid of death, because I never experienced it. Total void.
It makes me feel better to think it's like sleeping. You just don't realize you're dying.
I've never been brave in my life. I've always avoided obstacles instead of facing them.
Maybe I will be brave for once. For the first time in my life. Face it and end it all.

Shit. It's getting real.
Thanks for reading.

 

[billie]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for

 

[PetrichorBirth]

What a troubled story. Wishing you all the best, and peace. And if survival instinct does kick in, we're still going to be here to listen and chill

 

[LunarLight]

What a troubled story. Wishing you all the best, and peace. And if survival instinct does kick in, we're still going to be here to listen and chill

And I didn't talk about everything. C-PTSD, how I discovered sexuality, all my childhood bearing the marks of my mother's and grandmother's alchololism, my aunt's schizophrenia. How I've been raped multiple times.
I can't sum it up. It's too much.

Thanks for your kind message. I will remember it when I walk to the other side.

 

[falling_snow]

Did you get it from B? Just to know if they are legit.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It must be relieving to have the chosen method at hand. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[LunarLight]

Did you get it from B? Just to know if they are legit.

No.

It must be relieving to have the chosen method at hand. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

A little bit. At least I know there is an exit. But shit, I'm scared.

 

[gorexzxz]

Sorry to hear. That life has brought you to such a hard place. Whatever you do I hope you find the peace you want.

 

[bambibambam]

i'm with you. i got my SN from a polish source too. i got everything i need and i'm just waiting for my meto to come in the mail and i'll be ready. it feels so unreal.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Fuck I don't even know where to begin,you've helped me a ton over these past couple of days i know we never spoke much about our own personal lifes heck i don't even know your name or didn't even get around to thanking you

But boy this hits me like a ton of bricks but given the nature of this site should i really be surprised

As for the sick brain and lacking pleasure i can certainly relate there like yourself i live on disability myself being autistic bullied and judged by everyone feeling the inability to change or improve I wouldn't call myself trans but I've certainly had contemplation with my gender identity

Lass…i feel your fucking pain i relate to you in so many ways and I didn't even fucking know until now…it hurts but i also understand why you feel you need to go

In a world you can never feel accepted or understood that you feel the whole world is against you…it's disheartening

I wanna offer you my support if I can if you do happen to chicken out i wanna be there for you become closer to you but if you can succeed as sad as it'll be as much as i'll regret not getting to know you more

Aleast i can say i have an understanding now and be thankful for the help you gave and little time we spent together you were always kind to me and you were a strong candidate i was going to include on my best users thread

Best of wishes sister and i hope you find happiness whenever you land

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry for your sufferings and for what you had to indure. Absolutely no one deserves that and I hope you can be at peace soon. I relate so much on the not being able to stop crying long enough to write a note part. Even thinking about it makes me cry so much it becomes hard to breathe. Anyways am happy for you, you got your exit at hand and i wish you all the best with it whenever and whatever you decide to do with it

 

[Otaku]

I'm so sorry. I don't know what really else to say.
Life isn't fair.

 

[evannave]

Happy for you! If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me

 

[gokpg]

Sorry for you, but happy for you in a way as well, now that you got your SN. Happy to talk to you in PM <3

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, existence really is too cruel. I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[LunarLight]

Thank you all for your kind words, especially @goodoldnoname923. I'm glad I met you and helped you and you'll always be welcome in my PMs.

 

[unabletocope]

Good luck, hope you find a way through that gives you what you want

 

[Dliena]

Really am sorry to hear of all your suffering sorrows in this messed up reality! Can kinda relate in a way but you do have your bus ticket and I can only wish you forever peace and love with whatever else happens without any hurt to break you ever again.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im sorry you autistic and trans aswell, it sure makes life more difficult, I wish you the best on your journey <3