Since my big failure in life I'm trapped in a shit hole and I can't get myself out of it, not in a satisfying way. I wanna fucking die if I'm not able to achieve a satisfying recovery. Slowly the hole is becoming deeper and deeper with even less chances to ever get out of it.
Ash
What dreams may come?
- Oct 4, 2021
- 1,758
I'm so sorry to hear this. Trouble with this forum is getting to "know" lovely users who are in so much pain.
You're perfectly welcome to tell me to f*ck off but, I'm going to give you the tough love my Dad used to give me:
Honestly- have you tried everything you can think of to help your situation? What are you doing or planning to do today or this week in order to work towards what you want? Are there people you have worked with in the past that you can contact? Even just for a chat? People who have gone through similar highs and lows? Sometimes, it just helps to talk to someone who's been through something similar I think.
I think we're quite similar actually in the way that we both have a very specific idea of what we'd be ok settling with and it's probably quite hard to achieve. If you really do want it though- I think you're going to have to push yourself to do things you find uncomfortable or, where you feel out of your depth. I guess creating contacts on social media and all that is one.
I think we're also similar in that we both tend to put up barriers: That's not even worth trying. It won't work because of this or- the potential experience of failure will crush me. I think we could be right but the bottomline is- we won't actually know unless we try.
I guess I've kind of accepted that certain things in life have held me back- social anxiety for one. That's something I should have worked on ages ago but I'm really not willing to. It's just too frightening and the end goal doesn't seem worth it now. To some extent, I've settled for a more comfortable, reclusive life because I feel like it actually makes me happier.
I feel like you need to make a decision on whether your dream life is in fact worth fighting for and if it is- pull out all the stops and fight. If not though, then maybe try to settle on a different life and work at being content with that. Sorry- I know that sounds super harsh and as I say, I wouldn't blame you for telling me to push off. Or- that I'm way off the mark.
I guess I just sympathise with you. That deep longing for things to work out. Especially in terms of a career. I've spent so much time thinking like that but I suppose I truly think it's something you really have to put practical work in to. Otherwise, it's like praying you'll win the lottery without buying a ticket.
I do feel bad for you though. You know that right? I hope I haven't come across as a complete bitch! Do you think it's fear of failure that holds you back the most? Plus, I get the impression what you want is hard to get in to. I wish I knew more about it but I think that's why you maybe need to talk to entrepreneurs to get inspired again.
Honestly- have you tried everything you can think of to help your situation? What are you doing or planning to do today or this week in order to work towards what you want? Are there people you have worked with in the past that you can contact? Even just for a chat? People who have gone through similar highs and lows? Sometimes, it just helps to talk to someone who's been through something similar I think.
I think we're quite similar actually in the way that we both have a very specific idea of what we'd be ok settling with and it's probably quite hard to achieve. If you really do want it though- I think you're going to have to push yourself to do things you find uncomfortable or, where you feel out of your depth. I guess creating contacts on social media and all that is one.
I think we're also similar in that we both tend to put up barriers: That's not even worth trying. It won't work because of this or- the potential experience of failure will crush me. I think we could be right but the bottomline is- we won't actually know unless we try.
I guess I've kind of accepted that certain things in life have held me back- social anxiety for one. That's something I should have worked on ages ago but I'm really not willing to. It's just too frightening and the end goal doesn't seem worth it now. To some extent, I've settled for a more comfortable, reclusive life because I feel like it actually makes me happier.
I feel like you need to make a decision on whether your dream life is in fact worth fighting for and if it is- pull out all the stops and fight. If not though, then maybe try to settle on a different life and work at being content with that. Sorry- I know that sounds super harsh and as I say, I wouldn't blame you for telling me to push off. Or- that I'm way off the mark.
I guess I just sympathise with you. That deep longing for things to work out. Especially in terms of a career. I've spent so much time thinking like that but I suppose I truly think it's something you really have to put practical work in to. Otherwise, it's like praying you'll win the lottery without buying a ticket.
I do feel bad for you though. You know that right? I hope I haven't come across as a complete bitch! Do you think it's fear of failure that holds you back the most? Plus, I get the impression what you want is hard to get in to. I wish I knew more about it but I think that's why you maybe need to talk to entrepreneurs to get inspired again.
INTJme
Epeolatrist
- Mar 22, 2024
- 336
I overwhelmingly agree with Forever Sleep and would like to add an overarching theory to what's already been said.
Any situational struggle should never be the reason to ctb. Because, times change and situations improve as long as you work on them. Taking my own example: My dad's cancer diagnosis when I was 16, leading to me dropping out of school meant a death sentence to my then career goals. And so, depressed, defeated and exhausted, I wanted to ctb at 20. But I didn't and with some soul searching and trial and error, I found a career that gave me fulfilment. So the original situation that made me want to ctb no longer existed.
Recently, I've made several posts about my failed relationship with my ex-fiancée and surely people here think I'm ctb-ing because of that. No. While this is one of my latest triggers, I'll ctb because that's been my long-term plan. I had told myself over eleven years ago that I'll ctb if my depression doesn't improve and it hasn't. In fact, with every trigger, it's only gotten worse and none of the treatments has worked.
The thing with situations, much like seasons, is they're always changing and I know the amount of hurt you're feeling right now is unbearable and overwhelming but trust me, they'll only last temporarily. If you try, you will find another purpose/project and recover. And if you're unlucky (like me
) then you will permanently lose the will to try. But give yourself at least a few years before you make that conclusion.
Any situational struggle should never be the reason to ctb. Because, times change and situations improve as long as you work on them. Taking my own example: My dad's cancer diagnosis when I was 16, leading to me dropping out of school meant a death sentence to my then career goals. And so, depressed, defeated and exhausted, I wanted to ctb at 20. But I didn't and with some soul searching and trial and error, I found a career that gave me fulfilment. So the original situation that made me want to ctb no longer existed.
Recently, I've made several posts about my failed relationship with my ex-fiancée and surely people here think I'm ctb-ing because of that. No. While this is one of my latest triggers, I'll ctb because that's been my long-term plan. I had told myself over eleven years ago that I'll ctb if my depression doesn't improve and it hasn't. In fact, with every trigger, it's only gotten worse and none of the treatments has worked.
The thing with situations, much like seasons, is they're always changing and I know the amount of hurt you're feeling right now is unbearable and overwhelming but trust me, they'll only last temporarily. If you try, you will find another purpose/project and recover. And if you're unlucky (like me
) then you will permanently lose the will to try. But give yourself at least a few years before you make that conclusion.I hope you are able to find a way out of your struggles. I wish you only the best 
AkaRed
Come on! Let’s go, we’ll make our future together.
- Apr 20, 2023
- 216
I obviously don't know your situation, but whatever you are going through right now, you're not alone.
If there is absolutely any last thread you have, I would also implore you to take it. Even if it helps just a little bit.
Even if you are stuck for some time, just know you do have people here rooting for only your success and eventual happiness.
If you do have any part of you that wants to succeed in escape from your situation, you may find yourself completely out of your element. And that's okay.
Take every day one step at a time, and look for the small positives that you know are around. You can do this.
<3
Unknown21
The past never dies.
- Apr 25, 2023
- 1,018
You are not alone in this. I am very exhausted and tired. I want to break away from everything, even by death. I am truly sorry for how you feel
I have a question if you don't mind, what's stopping you from trying so far, is it because you're still not suicidal enough like me, Or because you are unable to overcome the survival instinct, or because you want to recover, but you do not have the opportunity also like me?
Wise words, as always!
It's definitely fear of failure and I have no patience with anything anymore. The biggest problem was and is - I have no idea what I could do and there's nothing that really interests me what could potentially become sth that also earns money. I should go to uni again and study sth but there's nothing that interests me and what's the use of a degree in a few years when I'm over 5x yo. I have no real motivation. That's actually a prob.I'm sorry you lost your dad when you were very young. I agree with that but people in their 20's have a lot more options to reach goals and even smaller goals are a big success - that can motivate to go on. Smaller goals don't motivate me bc it's still very low, after falling into my deep hole. It's there's no light visible at the horizon - maths is against me.
I have no health issues and I'm also not interested in becoming a mental wreck in the coming years bc of my problems. That's not a life. Very long term it might improve but surviving until then is agony.
It's like a hen & egg problem. I would need the feeling of success - that I can see on my bank account - increasing motivation - more success and so on - climbing up the ladder again. But I have no idea with what I could achieve this - certainly not a min-wage slave.
As I already said above: I have no idea, there's nothing I would have real hope for that could pay off if I put efforts into it and everything needs years with the stress of an uncertain outcome again.
I'm not even close to an actual attempt, I'm not suicidal 24/7 there r small episodes that can make me suicidal shortly. Life wouldn't be that bad but the curse of my failure haunts me. "Opportunity" is relative - a min-wage job isn't an opportunity and for all other jobs I would need several years of education to start as a junior when others in my age think about their retirement.
Unknown21
The past never dies.
- Apr 25, 2023
- 1,018
It's a rough situation. I hope you find a solution to your problem and your life, if you have any hope left.
INTJme
Epeolatrist
- Mar 22, 2024
- 336
Just to clarify... I didn't lose my dad; he survived cancer. Coming back to your situation...
Yes, I agree it's not easy to start from scratch at older ages and while there are some really amazing success stories out there like Colonel Sanders who started KFC in his 70s? But it was a different time altogether and not everyone is that lucky. Also, if you're in significant debt then I can see how your focus has to be on money, even if you don't want it to be. It's a tough life, unfortunately. You know where you stand and your options better than anyone else. I can only wish you the best.
Gladly I'm not in debt I just don't want to live a life that mainly consists only of eating and sleeping - life in our society and in our world is more than that. I can't take part in it.
Sure, there're success stories. I'm convinced there can and will be success stories but it has to be sth that does not yet exist.
karmaisabitch
Mage
- Mar 25, 2024
- 570
If I am not the only one to heavily relate to what you just said then I don't know who is. Thank you for making me feel not alone with those feelings.
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