Slow descent into depersonalisation

[Cauliflour]

Not diagnosed with anything, I see it as an extension of my autism mostly but I've noticed it a lot more now than I used to. I look in the mirror and a big chunk of me thinks I'm looking at someone else. But that's maybe cause I'm actually hot now but I'm still shitty on the inside so it's like a conflict of vision or something. And just other stuff like hearing my name, talking about myself etc hell even moving my limbs sometimes feels like I'm thinking about a fictional character I made or puppeteering some kind of meat suit. This isn't like new either in fact apart from style, the reason why I have my hair grown over my eye is cause I don't like looking at both of my eyes in the mirror, feels very unsettling like someone's watching me. It's very weird.

I'll get used to it though.

Cutting helps I've found. Pain in general helps but cutting there's that element of control so it works better...Until I start feeling all proud of myself and then it feels weird cause it's like "oh my god I'm happy!? That can't be right...". Not always but that's happened recently sooooo...Hey! Another reason to get the blades out isn't a bad thing, at least in my eyes. (obviously not in general, don't self harm that shit's addictivvvvvve)

Not related but I've also been struggling with motivation lately again and it's really annoying me cause this is NOT THE TIME!!!

 

[Jello Biafra]

This is a very well known phenomena. It happens to everyone.

And I'm not talking about the tendency of the brain to make patterns out of naturally occurring, or random things).

I'm talking about staring in the mirror and seeing your face change. If you really want it to be convincing, use low light levels, like close the door and just have a small candle in the bathroom.

It has something to do with the way your brain processes details. You don't need to only do it with your face, stare at anything long enough and it will start to change. Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

But ya, when I was younger I remember staring at myself in the mirror and I could've sworn I saw my face turn in to me as a really old man.

It's nothing to be concerned about.

 

[Cauliflour]

This is a very well known phenomena. It happens to everyone.

And I'm not talking about the tendency of the brain to make patterns out of naturally occurring, or random things).

I'm talking about staring in the mirror and seeing your face change. If you really want it to be convincing, use low light levels, like close the door and just have a small candle in the bathroom.

It has something to do with the way your brain processes details. You don't need to only do it with your face, stare at anything long enough and it will start to change. Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.

But ya, when I was younger I remember staring at myself in the mirror and I could've sworn I saw my face turn in to me as a really old man.

It's nothing to be concerned about.

Nah it's like more than that I swear. I think it's mostly cause my rise of self hatred was also at the same time my rise of actually looking decent rose but it's hard for me to really admit that so it just crashes and this is the result. It's much easier to plan an outfit when you think of your body as a mannequin and not a shitty human being.

 

[Jello Biafra]

Nah it's like more than that I swear. I think it's mostly cause my rise of self hatred was also at the same time my rise of actually looking decent rose but it's hard for me to really admit that so it just crashes and this is the result. It's much easier to plan an outfit when you think of your body as a mannequin and not a shitty human being.

Well, it is my belief that your body in a particular existence is nothing more than a piece of wardrobe. I look at birth and death as doorways, not beginnings and endings.

You need to think of yourself as a brave individual, who chose and planned a particularly harsh existence when most other beings chose the easy road. Just wrapping your consciousness in to the confines and limitations of a physical body is something that not a lot of souls choose to do. Only advanced beings choose difficult lifetimes, because intensity amplifies the lessons you wanted to learn.

You need to look at other people who seemingly "have it all put together" from the perspective of the big picture. They planned and chose easy lives. You did not, You are stronger than them and testing yourself.

Physical existence is a classroom. Not a courtroom. Keep your head up and your chest out. You are more than this. Much more. You just aren't aware of it at the moment.