slight improvements

[bratishka]

i have been making slight improvements the last month and it so odd. over the winter, i was consistently psychotic and apparently ended up doing and saying things that frightened and disturbed my sister, who i love more than anything in the world and i cannot begin to explain how much she means to me, and she sent me an email explaining she is distancing herself from me and that was devastating. there is no time frame for the distancing and the whole situation seems rather vague. however, i started making art again and going to the library almost daily, i have been going to my friend's potluck on sundays and talking on dating apps. i actually got a woman's phone number today and that is amazing to me because i am functionally homosexual (i think i like women but have never had any idea what to do about it and never expected to meet a girl so i just date guys because i like them too and it is easier) and have never been good at talking to women, like i have never even seen a vulva in real life. this woman is very sweet, she likes thrifting and reading and compliments my drawings and she is just strikingly pretty. i still have dips and even feel suicidal but these little improvements are proving to be a decent source of happiness in my weird life. i did not expect this kind of thing to actually happen. it is all just so odd.

 

[timf]

You may be discovering better ways to take control your life and build one in which you can be happy.

 

[bratishka]

i still feel full of guilt and i am honestly confused like i think i should feel worse, i feel like i should be more depressed than i currently am, but i guess i am just going to ride out the positivity and see where it goes. i guess we will just see where this goes, it is certainly better than psychosis.

 

[bratishka]

i saw my sister yesterday, i do not want to do that again. i got home and immediately self harmed. it actually did calm me down, lately when i do that, i have an anxiety attack but i guess it is back to working again. i guess it is no reason to assume things will take a turn for the worse and i should continue to try to enjoy positive things, but i just do not want to see her anymore.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Although I'm a stranger, I'm glad you're bettering yourself and making improvements on your life. Just know your sister loves and cares about you and she's likely only keeping distance out of care for you and herself. I hope things keep improving for you. Much love.

 

[bratishka]

it is a fucking manic episode, i cannot catch a break.