Discussion Situational suicidality

[BGooG]

My suicidality is clearly strongly situational. I just had a horrible fight with my wife (strong part, although not exclusively, my fault - I lost my temper and acted out), and all I can think about are ways to kill myself. And it's not even to make her feel bad. It just brings up the hopelessness of my situation and life. Unfortunately all my methods here are violent, and I wouldn't do them. But it's really just knowing that when things get bad for me, my suicidal thoughts go from passive to active. Which is one of the things that keeps me from acting on it. If it's the situation, I keep hoping for it to get better (but it doesn't really). But there's always the chance.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's so awful how we exist in a world where there is endless potential for existing to get worse and much more unbearable, no wonder so many wish to die, I think that wanting to die is a perfectly logical response in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SleepingLessons]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much, but it's amazing that you're able to recognise that it's situational. Is there any possibility that you could improve the situation, either by removing yourself from it (as scary as that can be), or by looking into treatment to help cope with your response to the situation, for example medication or therapy?

 

[BGooG]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much, but it's amazing that you're able to recognise that it's situational. Is there any possibility that you could improve the situation, either by removing yourself from it (as scary as that can be), or by looking into treatment to help cope with your response to the situation, for example medication or therapy?

I can't do meds; my job requires me to think, and any form of antidepressant has cognitive side effects. As for therapy, I've done that multiple times over my life, with varying success. The last time I spent the whole time trying NOT to admit how horrible my life was, and to tell the psychiatrist that I thought about killing myself daily. I don't know if it'd go any better now. But the biggest problem is that where I live you cannot get in to see anyone. All medical specialists have 6 mo to a yr waiting lists. What's the point in trying.

 

[SleepingLessons]

God, that sounds really difficult. I'm really curious about the antidepressants, as depression it self has a heavy cognitive toll that can often be alleviated by antidepressants. Is it a strict rule at your job?

The last time I spent the whole time trying NOT to admit how horrible my life was, and to tell the psychiatrist that I thought about killing myself daily

Maybe it would be good to deal with it face on with a therapist. It fucking sucks that there's such a long waiting list, but if you get on it now it'll give something to hold onto. Recognising that this depression is situational means that, by its very nature, it can change. Things can get better, even if it takes a while. CTB will always be an option to fall back to, but right now it doesn't seem like your only option, and there's nothing to lose by exploring everything and holding on in there.

But at the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm invalidating how you're feeling, and honestly it sounds like you're doing a great job just being able to continue as you are. I'm just so sorry that you're suffering so much. In the end it's your decision, and no matter what this forum will be here for you.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Regarding "situational suicidality", I don't think it's necessarily invalid.
Personally I always feel horrible, but it exists as a layer below my in-the-moment mood. So, it's not like I don't feel miserable and suicidal when I am "happy" on the surface, but more that I don't have the emotional energy to act on it until both the underlying and momentary states align.
I think its like this for many people.