Hi. i never posted here before, I just wanna vent about life, i hope I'm not doing it wrong and i hope i don't sound super annoying.
I'm exhausted of being me. I'm a piece of shit, a pathetic mess that made the mistake of being born the way i am.
My mother is a narcissist, it took me my whole life to notice it, she never cared when I hurt myself before, she actually beat me and humiliated me when i showed her for the first time. When i tried ctb she was still seeing herself as a victim, "what would other people think? Why did i do that to her?"
She was even apathetic towards me when I was in the middle of having my first anxiety attack after breaking up and being away from my abusive partner. My dad was also abusive towards my mom, my sister and me our whole life. Which makes so much sense considering what i ended up with. I've always been closer to my sister cause she was never all bad like my parents, but they were always piting us against each other.
They never gave a shit about my feelings and I've always been overwhelmed by everything in life, but i used to hide it so much when I was younger. I CANNOT function like normal people do, everything people do naturally seems to take 1000000000% more effort from me, that's when i can do it. But my mom always compared me to others and said she wished I was like her friend's daughters.
I always felt like an alien inside my own family, looking back now, i can finally see they treated me like shit and still i would be trying to please them in various ways, except the way my mother wanted which was basically for me to be perfect and useful, like a robot.
My whole life when I was being disrespected by my family, i would be angry and scream at them, and then they acted like I was in the wrong for feeling hurt but not them for dismissing my feelings. And I feel like because of this, I've been pushed towards an abusive relationship where my abuser always did the same thing to me, dismissed my feelings and my complaints about his disrespect towards me. I wanted to be with him because i couldn't really find approval and love inside my own house. He showered me with compliments at first, he also led me to believe he was a lonely and sensitive person like me so he could use me, my feelings, my body, money, house, patience, everything I had, even though i always felt i didn't really have anything to give.
When i was with my abuser, he raped me, cheated, manipulated and lied to me countless times inside my own house. I would still see them as an equal though and I tried to communicate my feelings SO MANY TIMES, but he never had any empathy towards me or anyone. My abuser only said they loved me, but never really showed me love... and i was so blind, i actually felt SO IN LOVE and i swore to myself he actually cared about me.
But it's just that i've always been used to being disrespected inside my house and also at school, I never really knew what love was and because of that i thought that his abusive behaviour inside our one-sided "relationship" was normal.
I've been in an abusive relationship with this narcissist for the last 2 years. i break up with him, he cries so hard begging me to not leave him and says he will change but in the best case scenario we still we break up, then he goes away (but we keep talking cause i can't be without him) and he seems to go on with life as nothing happened, and I'm always left asking myself "is that how anyone reacts after breaking up with someone they SWEAR they love so much?"
I end up completely alone, cause now my family hates me and i don't want to and i can't burden my only friend with all the hurt I'm feeling.
I then ask to meet my abuser again or something and we get back together once again!!! I always feel empty and embarrassed after getting back together, cause when we're apart it's like in my memory it was SO much better than what it actually is.
I told my friend i wasn't gonna talk to him anymore but after we're broken up for like A DAY and it really felt like 3 days, I answered his text and we talked again, and I feel like he is a drug and I need him so badly like nothing i've had before, it seems impossible living without him now. I hate not being able to trust someone I care about. I hate having to forget about someone so I'll get just a little bit better, cause i don't really care about my health as much as I want to be with him. I know it's ridiculous but it's hard saving yourself, specially because i feel like there's no reason to.
I admit i was stupid, because from the beginning I really wished my abuser would save me from my family, and take me away, and love me and we'd be happy together but that's so fucking unrealistic and after all that happened i feel dirty and disgusting and stupid and helpless and hopeless and exhausted and at the worst I've ever been.
Nowadays I can't remember much from my life at all, it's like i lost most of my memories and i probably remember like 5% of my life + mostly trauma.
i've tried ctb 3 times before, now i can't stand not even a second alive anymore, this obsessive thoughts won't leave me. I'm SO embarrassed for being SO FUCKING WEAK AND NAIVE my whole life. I'm absolutely done with everything.
I'm exhausted of being me. I'm a piece of shit, a pathetic mess that made the mistake of being born the way i am.
My mother is a narcissist, it took me my whole life to notice it, she never cared when I hurt myself before, she actually beat me and humiliated me when i showed her for the first time. When i tried ctb she was still seeing herself as a victim, "what would other people think? Why did i do that to her?"
She was even apathetic towards me when I was in the middle of having my first anxiety attack after breaking up and being away from my abusive partner. My dad was also abusive towards my mom, my sister and me our whole life. Which makes so much sense considering what i ended up with. I've always been closer to my sister cause she was never all bad like my parents, but they were always piting us against each other.
They never gave a shit about my feelings and I've always been overwhelmed by everything in life, but i used to hide it so much when I was younger. I CANNOT function like normal people do, everything people do naturally seems to take 1000000000% more effort from me, that's when i can do it. But my mom always compared me to others and said she wished I was like her friend's daughters.
I always felt like an alien inside my own family, looking back now, i can finally see they treated me like shit and still i would be trying to please them in various ways, except the way my mother wanted which was basically for me to be perfect and useful, like a robot.
My whole life when I was being disrespected by my family, i would be angry and scream at them, and then they acted like I was in the wrong for feeling hurt but not them for dismissing my feelings. And I feel like because of this, I've been pushed towards an abusive relationship where my abuser always did the same thing to me, dismissed my feelings and my complaints about his disrespect towards me. I wanted to be with him because i couldn't really find approval and love inside my own house. He showered me with compliments at first, he also led me to believe he was a lonely and sensitive person like me so he could use me, my feelings, my body, money, house, patience, everything I had, even though i always felt i didn't really have anything to give.
When i was with my abuser, he raped me, cheated, manipulated and lied to me countless times inside my own house. I would still see them as an equal though and I tried to communicate my feelings SO MANY TIMES, but he never had any empathy towards me or anyone. My abuser only said they loved me, but never really showed me love... and i was so blind, i actually felt SO IN LOVE and i swore to myself he actually cared about me.
But it's just that i've always been used to being disrespected inside my house and also at school, I never really knew what love was and because of that i thought that his abusive behaviour inside our one-sided "relationship" was normal.
I've been in an abusive relationship with this narcissist for the last 2 years. i break up with him, he cries so hard begging me to not leave him and says he will change but in the best case scenario we still we break up, then he goes away (but we keep talking cause i can't be without him) and he seems to go on with life as nothing happened, and I'm always left asking myself "is that how anyone reacts after breaking up with someone they SWEAR they love so much?"
I end up completely alone, cause now my family hates me and i don't want to and i can't burden my only friend with all the hurt I'm feeling.
I then ask to meet my abuser again or something and we get back together once again!!! I always feel empty and embarrassed after getting back together, cause when we're apart it's like in my memory it was SO much better than what it actually is.
I told my friend i wasn't gonna talk to him anymore but after we're broken up for like A DAY and it really felt like 3 days, I answered his text and we talked again, and I feel like he is a drug and I need him so badly like nothing i've had before, it seems impossible living without him now. I hate not being able to trust someone I care about. I hate having to forget about someone so I'll get just a little bit better, cause i don't really care about my health as much as I want to be with him. I know it's ridiculous but it's hard saving yourself, specially because i feel like there's no reason to.
I admit i was stupid, because from the beginning I really wished my abuser would save me from my family, and take me away, and love me and we'd be happy together but that's so fucking unrealistic and after all that happened i feel dirty and disgusting and stupid and helpless and hopeless and exhausted and at the worst I've ever been.
Nowadays I can't remember much from my life at all, it's like i lost most of my memories and i probably remember like 5% of my life + mostly trauma.
i've tried ctb 3 times before, now i can't stand not even a second alive anymore, this obsessive thoughts won't leave me. I'm SO embarrassed for being SO FUCKING WEAK AND NAIVE my whole life. I'm absolutely done with everything.
