SI threatening my plans

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Now that I've basically finalised my plan to die on Saturday, I've suddenly woken up unable to do it and with the strong urge to tell someone, anyone, about my plans. The problem is, that would not lead to anything good. They would likely just call the cops on me who would then arrest me basically and take me to a psych ward yet again then I would be released after a week (or worse case scenario, a month but not really longer since there aren't a lot of psych wards in the public system so they don't hold people they deem to be "normal" for very long) and then I'd leave more jaded and cynical than before (and probably with extra trauma due to how awful the system is) and definitely attempt again due to how unfixable and irreversible my situation is (only it would be more reckless and high risk). My relationship with the person would probably be fucked up too as I destroy everything in my path.

There are literally no benefits whatsoever to living. I feel emotions very strongly but of course that also includes the more negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, and anger. I'm sick of this existence where I know that I do not belong and never will belong. It's not even just a matter of being 'slightly quirky/eccentric/unique', I literally don't understand humans all that well and therefore will never be able to do all the things I wanted. School was a constant nightmare but virtually almost every issue stemmed from within me, which leads me to believe that the adult world will be even less forgiving and understanding. I'm simply not compatible with growing up and I need to go before I disappoint everyone more than I already have.

I can't have my SI sabotaging my best chance for freedom and having people think it's just for attention when it's never been, I just didn't have a solid and defined plan in the past. Being suicidal for almost all of your life ages you rapidly and completely damages your worldview. I just need it to suppress it until Saturday night otherwise I may never be free.

 

[Innereye]

Its the push and pull game from hell. I dont want to cbt but it feels like ive exhausted literally everything else. I dont know and its easy for me to say this but please dont rush yourself.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

SI does more than threaten your plans. It succeeds at sabotaging them. I wasn't even aware of SI till I joined this site. I had a plan and it felt like it was going to be a breeze. I kept reading posts about SI and thought damn maybe it won't be so easy. So I did a couple test runs and SI reared its ugly head. I've tried for real three times now (jumping) and all three times SI has won.

 

[Avisagia]

Can i ask what does 'SI' means?

 

[chuerdhmproton]

I have no good advice my friend. But you almost perfectly described what I am also going through. I hate SI, it makes no sense, from all logical views I should do it, but when it comes close to it I pussy out. I hate it so much!

Can i ask what does 'SI' means?

Survival instincts

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how we exist in this society where suicidal people are treat like criminals simply for sharing their honest feelings, it's inhumane and it certainly is like the survival instinct just exists to prolong suffering. I really wish it's more straightforward to finally be free from this existence, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.