So I think I've really f**ked myself here… so had a really bad night yesterday and decided to get high, I'm not a regular smoker but all the times I've done it I'll have ½-¾ of a joint and about 4 days ago I had the best high imaginable… I just lay in bed and felt like I was sinking weighed down comfortably like a weighted blanket on me.
The night before I dreamt of using my SN and it was a mostly positive dream and I felt much calmer about CTB so I lay there high imagining that was my last moments pretty euphoric with some of the negatives that led me to this point and I was even having spasms but I absolutely love getting them when I'm high and then had the best night sleep no dreams etc just like being dead
So last night I tried again just wanting to relax and forget the pain, I had a full joint this time. It was a lot later at night and was a pretty memory stomach but the high came and I went to lay in bed but after less than 2 mins of trying to relax I greened out BAD
I had nothing but negative thoughts then had to rush to the bathroom to puke, I just sat there for however long and it kept coming up I was past the point of it just being bile and kinda just sat waiting for it to become blood which it thankfully didn't
But I sat there against the bath head back and SI came with a vengeance, I kept thing in my head "I want to live" and at one point spasms came and materialised into me clawing and clambering at the air like trying to hold onto life while feeling the sinking pull of death after coming to a bit more I vomited for a while again then finally had the strength to get up to drink water and go to bed
I eventually fell asleep and woke up feeling awful and stayed feeling that way for most of the day. It's been 24 hours now so I definitely can't recall all of last night but it was so awful
I know it's a pretty normal thing with greening out but it's definitely wracked my brain so bad now I don't know what to think… was it just typical paranoia, my subconscious…
All I want to do is end the pain and I see no future in any way for me, I wanna go but if going is gonna feel like last night that's just horrific I don't want it like that. And I think it will be especially hard for my SN method if I went through with it since it's a multi day kinda thing.
Any thoughts or experiences?
The night before I dreamt of using my SN and it was a mostly positive dream and I felt much calmer about CTB so I lay there high imagining that was my last moments pretty euphoric with some of the negatives that led me to this point and I was even having spasms but I absolutely love getting them when I'm high and then had the best night sleep no dreams etc just like being dead
So last night I tried again just wanting to relax and forget the pain, I had a full joint this time. It was a lot later at night and was a pretty memory stomach but the high came and I went to lay in bed but after less than 2 mins of trying to relax I greened out BAD
I had nothing but negative thoughts then had to rush to the bathroom to puke, I just sat there for however long and it kept coming up I was past the point of it just being bile and kinda just sat waiting for it to become blood which it thankfully didn't
But I sat there against the bath head back and SI came with a vengeance, I kept thing in my head "I want to live" and at one point spasms came and materialised into me clawing and clambering at the air like trying to hold onto life while feeling the sinking pull of death after coming to a bit more I vomited for a while again then finally had the strength to get up to drink water and go to bed
I eventually fell asleep and woke up feeling awful and stayed feeling that way for most of the day. It's been 24 hours now so I definitely can't recall all of last night but it was so awful
I know it's a pretty normal thing with greening out but it's definitely wracked my brain so bad now I don't know what to think… was it just typical paranoia, my subconscious…
All I want to do is end the pain and I see no future in any way for me, I wanna go but if going is gonna feel like last night that's just horrific I don't want it like that. And I think it will be especially hard for my SN method if I went through with it since it's a multi day kinda thing.
Any thoughts or experiences?
