Discussion Should I live for my family?

[Menschenmühle]

I tried to commit suicide last year but I failed. The whole situation devastated my family, but atleast they were glad I was still alive.

I'm still contemplating suicide, and I've already made plans for a successful one this time. However, I'm still at odds with the fact that my death, and especially a death caused by suicide, will lead my family to ruin. I'm terrified that my demise will lead them to an unbearable grief from which they can never fully recover. At the same time, I know that if I keep on living, I will only lead a miserable and joyless existence. I'm overwhelmed by doubts and fears. I don't know what to do and how to proceed. Should I just bear a terrible life just for the sake of others? Should I instead kill myself while knowing that I will cause inevitable harm to these others?

I know that my decision, of whether to live or not, is entirely my own, and that there's no one out there who can decide in my stead. But I'm looking for advice whatever it is, maybe then a possible solution can be illuminated.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Has to be your decision.
Is your desire for eternal peace for yourself greater than your desire to not hurt their feelings?

 

[Menschenmühle]

Has to be your decision.
Is your desire for eternal peace for yourself greater than your desire to not hurt their feelings?

That's the problem, I don't know which desire is greater than the other.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

Do you get along well with your family?

Were they supportive in general during your life?

 

[avaruus]

I've always thought that living JUST for other people is a very bad idea. If you want to live, live for yourself.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

And your chances of pulling it off effectively must also be considered.

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody is obligated to continue suffering until they die anyway for the sake of other people, it's always up to the individual when to cease existing.

 

[Menschenmühle]

Do you get along well with your family?

Were they supportive in general during your life?

Yes, they're very supportive. Of all the bad things that happened to me, none can be attributed to them, except maybe my birth, but I forgive them for that.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

Yes, they're very supportive. Of all the bad things that happened to me, none can be attributed to them, except maybe my birth, but I forgive them for that.

Well I suppose that's something. If you have a supportive family then they could (and should) help you recover if you want to.
But I don't know why you are suicidal just by reading your thread. Is it health reasons or something else?

 

[Epikur]

Oh I can very well understand that moral struggle you are suffering from. Have been considering cbt for decades (!) and never brought it to an end. There were always people around for whom I thought I have to keep on and don´t do that to them. First was my mother, later my wife, later on my partner (I outed myself) and not to forget about siblings and friends ... I was always convinced that an intended death would cause a pyschotrauma to my nearest ones and they will never overcome it. I dreamed of being alone sometimes for it would have given me the necessary freedom. Without relationships I would have killed myself at least 20 yrs ago. Yes, strange, most people long for intimacy and closesness to a human being. However I sometimes feel locked-in somehow and being bereaved of my liberty to end it all. And the more you love a person, the more you don´t want to hurt him or her by your demise. It´s a terrible dilemma. On top of that there is a constant guilt about my suicidal thoughts. I sometimes try to imagine to myself that this world is nothing but an illusion so as to convince myself that everything is just taking place in my brain and I don´t have to care about others. Didn´t work out so far, I am still here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Guess it depends on whether you think you can hold on and for how long. Personally, I want to wait for my Dad to go before I CTB. He is the only one left for me now. But then, I'm hoping I can at least tread water until then. It depends on how desperate your situation feels and whether your coping mechanisms are effective enough. Really, it's something only you can know yourself. I'm sorry though. It's a very difficult situation to be in.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My Family have always been very unsupportive.
I'm not staying alive for them because they have treated me so badly.
If they had been loving and supportive, then I would probably struggle to stay alive for them.
They will probably just feel a little sorry for themselves when I ctb.
I doubt I'll be missed for long when I'm gone.

 

[cosifantutti]

It's such a dilemma for many of us here. My parents are both elderly and I want to keep going for them. But I have a husband, children and grandchildren, so there will never be a right time. But I do feel I have a right to die, I have suffered enough. I just want to hold off as long as I can.