Help Should I kill myself before college?

[m3nhera]

(I'm 18, high school senior) I keep changing my mind about whether I want to live or not and I feel like I keep getting signs I should kill myself. But at the same time I don't want to die in my current pathetic state. I have goals I want to complete. But what about a compromise of trying as hard as I can to complete my goals, and then I can kill myself in August? But I don't know, dying before even going to college seems kinda sad. But at the same time, it's better than dying DURING the semester. The end of summer break is a perfect window for a "clean" death, doing it before high school graduation or during college is messy in my mind. And during summer break I'll still want to go out with friends and try and find a job and such, so the end is the best time. If I don't kill myself in August, there's not gonna be a clean window until the first year of college is over. Also, I want to achieve my goals but I have no motivation to since it's hard for me to look forward to/enjoy most things. But, if I knew I could ctb in August anyway, it would push me to really try and achieve my goals, because if I don't, I don't earn the reward. That's one of the only, if not the only thing that feels rewarding to me given my current circumstances. Please feel free to let me know in replies, nobody is encouraging anything, but rather regardless of what anyone says, it's to hopefully minimize suffering. It's still my choice at the end of the day so don't be afraid to be honest if it's really better to just die before then(or at least try to). Might also post this in the other section too so replies aren't biased and can be looked at from all perspectives.

 

[Chito and Yuuri]

Look, if you can do it, I'd recommend staying alive up to college starting and once college starts you absolutely bear hug it and stay till the very end, where even when you'd graduate you'd have a degree and you might as well put it to good use. However, if you decide to end up killing yourself anyway before college, then unfortunately I can't stop you from there. I hope you find peace, and try to keep my recommendation in mind.

 

[m3nhera]

Look, if you can do it, I'd recommend staying alive up to college starting and once college starts you absolutely bear hug it and stay till the very end, where even when you'd graduate you'd have a degree and you might as well put it to good use. However, if you decide to end up killing yourself anyway before college, then unfortunately I can't stop you from there. I hope you find peace, and try to keep my recommendation in mind.

I'll keep this in mind, thank you. It's just so hard, I wonder if it's even worth it.

 

[welcome]

I'm in the same boat. I'm going to graduate in June (which feels more like a participation/cope 'award' more than anything) but I think I'm going to stick it out until college. Since I'm going to major in chemistry it opens up a lot of options for me (in theory, but I doubt a bachelor's alone would give me a real grasp at how to make things realistically). The only "fortunate" thing about college for me is that I live in California and have the lowest student aid index for financial aid, so instead of putting 50 thousand dollars down the drain yearly to go to a state school, I will only need to put in 11 thousand (which I am grateful for). These past few months have flown by so fast for me, and August is just around the corner. I would wait if I were you.

 

[pelicanportal]

no, hold out. you have a lot of big changes ahead. suicide is always an option down the road, your brain is still developing. give life an honest shot first even if it is really difficult right now.