Help Should I go to my college graduation ceremony? (TW: Self-Ableism).

[Anonymous1997ES]

Wanted to ask the question here because I don't know where else I could ask about this...

In a nutshell, my college sent me a mail, in which I have two choices:

1. Go to the ceremony to get my printed college diploma, and see my classmates one last time.

2. Ask for an alternate route, so I can go to college by my own and ask for the paper, so that I'm not forced to go.

I don't want to because... At most I have one friend there, and I could congratulate him privately later, plus... As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to go to see people whom will likely pretend they care, say that we're friends when we're not, or have to see their pity friendship faces filled with uncomfortable grimaces, or again being told that I'm cute, kind, pure and so on, but the kind of people that you'd never talk to unless they needed something.

Plus... There's a deep fear I have, that they'd call me specifically and mention that I'm neurodiverse (I'm not, but sadly they think I am because of a mistake I made), and I don't want to face that public shame, it was more than enough after what happened when I was defending my thesis... Pretty much I have no reason to go, as I messed up my college years, and aside from perhaps that friend, I have no one whom I'm truly close to at college... For most of them, maybe I was just that r-word weirdo whom they could ask for help over and over again, but no more than that...

Problem is, my mom wants to go. When I told her that I didn't want to, she said that I couldn't deny her that joy of watching her son fully graduated in that event, I tried to explain to her why I didn't want to but she got angry and disappointed... Before you ask no, my mom isn't toxic nor manipulative, instead I think she's angry because she thinks I'm letting college walk over me instead of facing my fears head on... How should I explain it to her, that I'm risking another moment of being treated like a clown or a manchild, and that I'm sorry for ruining what would've been a moment of happiness to her and the rest of our family because I messed up everything at college...

 

[BurningMan]

I get where you're coming from. College is super tough and the people who used derogatory language to you are truly not mindful people. I'm sorry you experienced that.

As for going, I suppose it depends. While you may not have had the best time doing this, it will be the only time you have to attend this sort of event. It's just like the final hurdle. You should be proud you finished your degree, that's super tough! And even if you made just one friend, that's all you really need. College friends come and go anyway and few stick around. Plus, going could be your way of spitting the people who treated you poorly and tried to push you out I suppose?

But it's up to you. I don't think it could hurt to go, and it'll keep your mother happy. I know what that's like haha. It's totally understandable if you don't go though. Best of luck and congratulations!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I REALLY sympathise with you. I hated stuff like that. I wasn't bullied as such but I do have massive social anxiety and our ceremony was held at a 5,272 capacity bloody big theatre- ridiculous because they (obviously) only filled a small section of it.

I did the same- told my Dad I really didn't want to do it but he got really upset too. In the end- I did do it for him and my God parents. Would think we all regretted it to some degree though because it was SO long and SO boring.

I can't really advise you to be honest. It does have to be up to you really I'm afraid. Do you have any friends you could hang around with? I expect you'll be grouped in with a whole load of other courses- so there is a possibility you might be able to stay away from the bullies. Plus, in my experience, a lot of the time was spent with them fitting everyone's gowns and then a whole lot of being quiet while boring academics rambled on.

Still- I do COMPLETELY get why it's worrying you so much. I guess it has to be a balance at the end of the day- does your probable discomfort outweigh what it means to your Mum? It's a really difficult one that only you can really answer. Just know you can come on here and rant about it- whatever choice you make. Sorry- not much help I know but good luck- whatever choice you make.

 

[lionetta12]

Wanted to ask the question here because I don't know where else I could ask about this...

In a nutshell, my college sent me a mail, in which I have two choices:

1. Go to the ceremony to get my printed college diploma, and see my classmates one last time.

2. Ask for an alternate route, so I can go to college by my own and ask for the paper, so that I'm not forced to go.

I don't want to because... At most I have one friend there, and I could congratulate him privately later, plus... As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to go to see people whom will likely pretend they care, say that we're friends when we're not, or have to see their pity friendship faces filled with uncomfortable grimaces, or again being told that I'm cute, kind, pure and so on, but the kind of people that you'd never talk to unless they needed something.

Plus... There's a deep fear I have, that they'd call me specifically and mention that I'm neurodiverse (I'm not, but sadly they think I am because of a mistake I made), and I don't want to face that public shame, it was more than enough after what happened when I was defending my thesis... Pretty much I have no reason to go, as I messed up my college years, and aside from perhaps that friend, I have no one whom I'm truly close to at college... For most of them, maybe I was just that r-word weirdo whom they could ask for help over and over again, but no more than that...

Problem is, my mom wants to go. When I told her that I didn't want to, she said that I couldn't deny her that joy of watching her son fully graduated in that event, I tried to explain to her why I didn't want to but she got angry and disappointed... Before you ask no, my mom isn't toxic nor manipulative, instead I think she's angry because she thinks I'm letting college walk over me instead of facing my fears head on... How should I explain it to her, that I'm risking another moment of being treated like a clown or a manchild, and that I'm sorry for ruining what would've been a moment of happiness to her and the rest of our family because I messed up everything at college...

Graudation is a big thing for most people, but I personally never went to any of my cermonies, I'd just ask for the diplomas to be mailed to me. Didn't see the point and I didn't particularly usually like the people there either. The educators and my family would usually be understanding of it, and admit to having skipped their own cermonies as well. I'd try to be honest with her if I were you, I see that it can be challenging with the information you provided and that you've tried. Maybe you can write a text or a letter for her instead? That way she has to read it all and cannot interupt you if she gets upset.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

that r-word whom they could ask for help over and over again

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

This is definitely a tough choice to make.

In my own opinion, I'd go, if only for your mom.

Fuck anyone else there too, it doesn't matter if you have 1 friend or 100 friends in school. Everyone just goes their own way after school ends anyway, so it's not like it matters who you made friends with while you were there.

My uncle, a very wise man (maybe the wisest I've ever met), told me something when I was 16: He said if I could count on one hand how many truly great friends I had (real friends too), I was a lucky person. And if I could count truly great friends on two hands, I was truly blessed.

The point being is this: You didn't go to school to make friends and, if you did do that, then maybe I could see why it would be really hard to go to your graduation. But if you went to school to learn, grow and experience life, then your graduation is for YOU, no one else (not even your mom).

Just take it from someone who lost their own mother less than a year ago (me)... do it for you and your mom, it won't be as bad as you think too.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

I get where you're coming from. College is super tough and the people who used derogatory language to you are truly not mindful people. I'm sorry you experienced that.

As for going, I suppose it depends. While you may not have had the best time doing this, it will be the only time you have to attend this sort of event. It's just like the final hurdle. You should be proud you finished your degree, that's super tough! And even if you made just one friend, that's all you really need. College friends come and go anyway and few stick around. Plus, going could be your way of spitting the people who treated you poorly and tried to push you out I suppose?

But it's up to you. I don't think it could hurt to go, and it'll keep your mother happy. I know what that's like haha. It's totally understandable if you don't go though. Best of luck and congratulations!

Well, as far as I know only three people ever insulted me or were cruel directly, when I said the r-word part those were my inner thoughts, I hope I'm not right... What I mean is, aside from that friend, all the other congratulations I would get would be fake... Fake concern and pity, while I would be surrounded of genuine friendship groups, while I couldn't make my own or belong there...

I REALLY sympathise with you. I hated stuff like that. I wasn't bullied as such but I do have massive social anxiety and our ceremony was held at a 5,272 capacity bloody big theatre- ridiculous because they (obviously) only filled a small section of it.

I did the same- told my Dad I really didn't want to do it but he got really upset too. In the end- I did do it for him and my God parents. Would think we all regretted it to some degree though because it was SO long and SO boring.

I can't really advise you to be honest. It does have to be up to you really I'm afraid. Do you have any friends you could hang around with? I expect you'll be grouped in with a whole load of other courses- so there is a possibility you might be able to stay away from the bullies. Plus, in my experience, a lot of the time was spent with them fitting everyone's gowns and then a whole lot of being quiet while boring academics rambled on.

Still- I do COMPLETELY get why it's worrying you so much. I guess it has to be a balance at the end of the day- does your probable discomfort outweigh what it means to your Mum? It's a really difficult one that only you can really answer. Just know you can come on here and rant about it- whatever choice you make. Sorry- not much help I know but good luck- whatever choice you make.

Wow... So much people in such a small area would be extremely difficult to do so... Aside from that guy I mentioned no, all the rest are just classmates at best, no one whom I trust or trust me beyond being acquaintances... No worries, I understand, sometimes we have to make sacrifices even if they discomfort us...

Graudation is a big thing for most people, but I personally never went to any of my cermonies, I'd just ask for the diplomas to be mailed to me. Didn't see the point and I didn't particularly usually like the people there either. The educators and my family would usually be understanding of it, and admit to having skipped their own cermonies as well. I'd try to be honest with her if I were you, I see that it can be challenging with the information you provided and that you've tried. Maybe you can write a text or a letter for her instead? That way she has to read it all and cannot interupt you if she gets upset.

It's nice to hear your family and teachers understood and supported your decision, those are amazing news. Talked to my mom and will post what she said at the end of the message.

Ya know, that once people think someone's different or neurodiverse, they begin to infantilize and ostracize that person, treating them like children or not talking them seriously, it's horrible...

This is definitely a tough choice to make.

In my own opinion, I'd go, if only for your mom.

Fuck anyone else there too, it doesn't matter if you have 1 friend or 100 friends in school. Everyone just goes their own way after school ends anyway, so it's not like it matters who you made friends with while you were there.

My uncle, a very wise man (maybe the wisest I've ever met), told me something when I was 16: He said if I could count on one hand how many truly great friends I had (real friends too), I was a lucky person. And if I could count truly great friends on two hands, I was truly blessed.

The point being is this: You didn't go to school to make friends and, if you did do that, then maybe I could see why it would be really hard to go to your graduation. But if you went to school to learn, grow and experience life, then your graduation is for YOU, no one else (not even your mom).

Just take it from someone who lost their own mother less than a year ago (me)... do it for you and your mom, it won't be as bad as you think too.

Condolences for the loss of your mother... It's also true that if you have in between 1 to 10 true friends (the amount you could count with one or two hands), then we're mostly blessed in life... Thing us, I didn't have good memories in my college career, most of them were of indifference, pity and fake concern, and even bullying for two semesters...

I told my mom while I was lunching... Her mood soured pretty quickly, despite trying to tell her in the best and most respectful way that I would make it up to her somehow, and apologized for not being able to grant her that desire... Even tried to hug her a bit but she kept pushing me away... I don't understand why I always have to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of another, yet others are unable to do so for me... Why do I always have to do those sacrifices?

I haven't replied to my college yet... I don't want a chance for my mom to resent me, but I also don't want to go there and risk being further treated like a clown or being laughed at... Why others can always think of what they want, and do so without remorse, but I can't?!

 

[yyytry]

Wanted to ask the question here because I don't know where else I could ask about this...

In a nutshell, my college sent me a mail, in which I have two choices:

1. Go to the ceremony to get my printed college diploma, and see my classmates one last time.

2. Ask for an alternate route, so I can go to college by my own and ask for the paper, so that I'm not forced to go.

I don't want to because... At most I have one friend there, and I could congratulate him privately later, plus... As selfish as it sounds, I don't want to go to see people whom will likely pretend they care, say that we're friends when we're not, or have to see their pity friendship faces filled with uncomfortable grimaces, or again being told that I'm cute, kind, pure and so on, but the kind of people that you'd never talk to unless they needed something.

Plus... There's a deep fear I have, that they'd call me specifically and mention that I'm neurodiverse (I'm not, but sadly they think I am because of a mistake I made), and I don't want to face that public shame, it was more than enough after what happened when I was defending my thesis... Pretty much I have no reason to go, as I messed up my college years, and aside from perhaps that friend, I have no one whom I'm truly close to at college... For most of them, maybe I was just that r-word weirdo whom they could ask for help over and over again, but no more than that...

Problem is, my mom wants to go. When I told her that I didn't want to, she said that I couldn't deny her that joy of watching her son fully graduated in that event, I tried to explain to her why I didn't want to but she got angry and disappointed... Before you ask no, my mom isn't toxic nor manipulative, instead I think she's angry because she thinks I'm letting college walk over me instead of facing my fears head on... How should I explain it to her, that I'm risking another moment of being treated like a clown or a manchild, and that I'm sorry for ruining what would've been a moment of happiness to her and the rest of our family because I messed up everything at college...

I didn't walk. I went and picked up my honorary cords, hung them in my car, and relaxed that day.
Still don't regret it to this day.

 

[western_heart]

Don't go. You shouldn't have to explain anything to your mother; you're allowed to set boundaries and her demanding explanation and prioritizing her own feelings over yours is toxic behavior.

I didn't go to my college graduation ceremony even though my family wanted me to. It wasn't their choice to make.

 

[wait.what]

I didn't go to mine and have never regretted it. Could you work out some compromise with your mom? Like is there any other way to mark your graduation that she can accept? Could you go on a brief trip, just you and her? Like to see family, or some place that has meaning for you.

 

[BGooG]

Are there any professors for whom you have any affinity or positive feelings? I know as a university professor, I often attend graduation (gives me a chance to wear my bright red gown!), and am very touched when a student from one of my classes comes up to say hello, and has me meet their parent(s). It gives me a chance to wish them well, encourage them to contact me if they need anything (a letter of recommendation, advice, whatever), and just to make more human contact. That can be a very positive experience on both sides.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

I didn't walk. I went and picked up my honorary cords, hung them in my car, and relaxed that day.
Still don't regret it to this day.

Like, you celebrated inside your car or with your family and friends separately? That's nice to hear.

Don't go. You shouldn't have to explain anything to your mother; you're allowed to set boundaries and her demanding explanation and prioritizing her own feelings over yours is toxic behavior.

I didn't go to my college graduation ceremony even though my family wanted me to. It wasn't their choice to make.

I didn't go to mine and have never regretted it. Could you work out some compromise with your mom? Like is there any other way to mark your graduation that she can accept? Could you go on a brief trip, just you and her? Like to see family, or some place that has meaning for you.

I talked to my mom and we got into an agreement, she said if I would end up miserable and uncomfortable in that ceremony, it would be the best if we didn't go, instead we'll go eat ice cream together tomorrow to celebrate, and later we'll have a small family dinner, although she cried a bit before calming down and having our conversation. Instead, I promised that when I finish my master's degree, we shall go towards that ceremony (or any other for that matter), together to make up for this.

Are there any professors for whom you have any affinity or positive feelings? I know as a university professor, I often attend graduation (gives me a chance to wear my bright red gown!), and am very touched when a student from one of my classes comes up to say hello, and has me meet their parent(s). It gives me a chance to wish them well, encourage them to contact me if they need anything (a letter of recommendation, advice, whatever), and just to make more human contact. That can be a very positive experience on both sides.

There's one, I will thank her for everything later via What's App, glad to hear that you get along nice with your students, I think the world needs more professors like you :D

 

[yyytry]

Like, you celebrated inside your car or with your family and friends separately? That's nice to hear.





I talked to my mom and we got into an agreement, she said if I would end up miserable and uncomfortable in that ceremony, it would be the best if we didn't go, instead we'll go eat ice cream together tomorrow to celebrate, and later we'll have a small family dinner, although she cried a bit before calming down and having our conversation. Instead, I promised that when I finish my master's degree, we shall go towards that ceremony (or any other for that matter), together to make up for this.



There's one, I will thank her for everything later via What's App, glad to hear that you get along nice with your students, I think the world needs more professors like you :D

No. I didn't celebrate in my car. I just gathered the things they would've given me if I walked.
So much of those experiences are engineered for the parents anyway.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

You sound like you're an intelligent and well-read person, so for that, I think you have a great ability to determine what's best for you.

In the end, do it for yourself. Maybe I said earlier to do it for your mom but, in retrospect, do it for you.

I graduated from university before you were even born and I can say this: My time in school was fun but it never defined who I was after I left. The friends I made were good but, sadly, we never really stayed in touch that much because everyone went out into the world and did their own thing. Sometimes making decisions for yourself is the only way to stay true to who you want to be.

I'm guessing here but I think you might be an empath and a strong one at that. You don't like to let people down, even if it means letting yourself down first. Honourable traits for sure, if this is like you, but also don't be afraid to stand up and do things for yourself too.

I look back at my life now and release there were times and places I should've stood up for what I wanted to do, not what others wanted me to do, and while I don't lose sleep over it now, I do wonder what different outcomes might've happened if I followed my own script.

 

[Anonymous1997ES]

No. I didn't celebrate in my car. I just gathered the things they would've given me if I walked.
So much of those experiences are engineered for the parents anyway.

Apologies, thanks for the explanation. You're right, for some reason most people have that sense of pride about their accomplishments, it's a bit confusing...

You sound like you're an intelligent and well-read person, so for that, I think you have a great ability to determine what's best for you.

In the end, do it for yourself. Maybe I said earlier to do it for your mom but, in retrospect, do it for you.

I graduated from university before you were even born and I can say this: My time in school was fun but it never defined who I was after I left. The friends I made were good but, sadly, we never really stayed in touch that much because everyone went out into the world and did their own thing. Sometimes making decisions for yourself is the only way to stay true to who you want to be.

I'm guessing here but I think you might be an empath and a strong one at that. You don't like to let people down, even if it means letting yourself down first. Honourable traits for sure, if this is like you, but also don't be afraid to stand up and do things for yourself too.

I look back at my life now and release there were times and places I should've stood up for what I wanted to do, not what others wanted me to do, and while I don't lose sleep over it now, I do wonder what different outcomes might've happened if I followed my own script.

Sorry to hear you couldn't stay in touch with your university classmates/friends, it's like some people have a huge difficulty to do so... Also thanks, I think you're really smart and supportive as well!

True... In the end, we have the choices of fighting for others or ourselves, and that we have the right to choose what gives us happiness, instead of only focusing on other's needs... In the end my mom agreed to my idea and we both went to college to take the diploma, but she organized a family reunion in exchange to make up for it so... We're both happy, I guess.