should i go to japan?

[godbody]

i have been offered a trip to japan in jan/feb with my mother (who i have a fine relationship with) to see my siblings who will be working over there.
i am having a really hard time feeling like i deserve to do this — i don't really have a job right now, M would pay for it all. i feel so depressed lately i don't want to ruin anything. went to see a musician recently that i thought would never ever come to my country let alone my city, & it was wasted because i feel physically uncomfortable in the crowd because i was so self conscious. i cried so much awhen i got home from that show and in the days following because i feel like i completwly wasted my time. it was humiliating to do that to myself. i am having a hard time socialising & have for a while. Don't have any friends but have been trying to put myself out there, but know i will get burnt out & fall into a bad depression if i keep pushing myself & putting myself out there. don't talk to anyone about this stuff because i feel like a burden. don't know what to do.
i really really just want to feel like i deserve to go on this holiday but i don't — and don't know how to. feel privileged and stupid for being privileged, it feels embarrassing & i feel lost as fuck.

 

[Carrot]

If you don't want to go, don't.

If you are worried about money, and M is truly going to pay for everything, you can always talk to them about it, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, for this or that reason. If they say don't worry about it, it's fine. Then feel free to go and don't dwell on it. Make sure to not be greedy in whatever is paid for (food), and help whenever you can in non-monetary ways.

Talk to her about it, problem solved.

Were you alone at the musician concert? In Japan you won't be alone, I assume.

 

[tonicer]

I had something similar happen to me a week ago. There was a open air jazz concert in a former monastery in my town and i went there but felt completely out of place and left after 15 minutes. I wish i had someone to go to these things. I just can't approach strangers for some reason.

If you mom is fine with paying for the trip do it not just because it's fricking Japan but so your mom doesn't have to go alone. If she's a nice mom accompany her. I am sure she prefers that. Mine would.

 

[godbody]

If you don't want to go, don't.

If you are worried about money, and M is truly going to pay for everything, you can always talk to them about it, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, for this or that reason. If they say don't worry about it, it's fine. Then feel free to go and don't dwell on it. Make sure to not be greedy in whatever is paid for (food), and help whenever you can in non-monetary ways.

Talk to her about it, problem solved.

Were you alone at the musician concert? In Japan you won't be alone, I assume.

yes i went to the concert alone; i used to go to concerts alone all the time, this doesnt bother me. i've moved across the world alone before & enjoy talking to new people & making friends/acquaintances wherever i'm at but the last few years i feel horribly self conscious & like i don't deserve/am not worth doing that. Have always been suicidal but it never stopped me being outgoing in those ways.
I will have some spending money of my own by that time & it truly is no issue for mum. she wants me to help her by planning the itinerary & i'm a helpful person as it is. I am purely worried the experience will be wasted on me because I am so depressed.

thanks for your advice

I had something similar happen to me a week ago. There was a open air jazz concert in a former monastery in my town and i went there but felt completely out of place and left after 15 minutes. I wish i had someone to go to these things. I just can't approach strangers for some reason.

If you mom is fine with paying for the trip do it not just because it's fricking Japan but so your mom doesn't have to go alone. If she's a nice mom accompany her. I am sure she prefers that. Mine would.

I used to be able to, but now I feel so weird in public. I did the same very recently too: rocked up at a gig, danced for a little bit but then felt very self conscious after speaking to someone & just had a total meltdown, cried in the toilets, left. Happens on & off, I am fine to go out alone but if I feel like i've messed up socially or I feel like I can't even approach anyone, I have to leave. it's hard! where (vaguely) do you live? like a big city? or town? cuz i'm in a smaller town & it just feels like everyone already has their cliques and whatnot while I am a bit lost.

I think youre right & I will go for mum because she would prefer it & actively does want me to come

 

[SASU-KE]

Japan should be on everyone's bucket list. However, if you are not feeling up to it right now, you may want to put it off for later. I mean, if I can't be assed to even leave the house mood wise,how can I enjoy my Japan trip?

The @Sakura. blossoms will have to wait.

 

[godbody]

t

Japan should be on everyone's bucket list. However, if you are not feeling up to it right now, you may want to put it off for later. I mean, if I can't be assed to even leave the house mood wise,how can I enjoy my Japan trip?

The @Sakura. blossoms will have to wait.

there is no putting it off, it will be jan/feb — which is why i feel bad, i have to commit to it soon & follow through because M will need to plan it & pay for flights, accommodation, etc, in advance