Help Should I break up with bf if he wants me to recover but I'm not sure I can recover?

[ncmxm]

Title. I'm trying to recover but idk if I can, and I'm still considering ctbing later in life.

And in general, do you think it's better not to have any relationships if you're depressed and not sure about ctbing and recovery?

 

[Grav]

I'm assuming by the title you and your bf have a good communication system going enough to discuss it. If it were ME, I'd be honest with him on your attempt to recover and go on but be honest in your overall mindset and how days are going. How committed are you two? Is this a short term thing or are you going to go on for a while, I ask because usually recovery isn't a quick process if even completable and how long will he be there? He may be up for helping you on your journey but only you two know that. I'd say if he's willing to stick with your through the ups/downs of recovery and how you're feeling then why not give it a shot; you can always follow your plan later. It may not work but it may be something that changes your future outlook. This assumes there's not some weird manipulation thing going on that I hear people sometimes state. While I have my plan and method set I'm trying to at least not end it even if I'll never be "up on life" and my wife is involved in my recovery work even if she doesn't fully understand what I need, as if I do. But she is more aware now when my mood tanks and at least starts trying to pull me out, even if it doesn't seem very successful to her. It's a bit like herding cats.

 

[ncmxm]

I'm assuming by the title you and your bf have a good communication system going enough to discuss it. If it were ME, I'd be honest with him on your attempt to recover and go on but be honest in your overall mindset and how days are going. How committed are you two? Is this a short term thing or are you going to go on for a while, I ask because usually recovery isn't a quick process if even completable and how long will he be there? He may be up for helping you on your journey but only you two know that. I'd say if he's willing to stick with your through the ups/downs of recovery and how you're feeling then why not give it a shot; you can always follow your plan later. It may not work but it may be something that changes your future outlook. This assumes there's not some weird manipulation thing going on that I hear people sometimes state. While I have my plan and method set I'm trying to at least not end it even if I'll never be "up on life" and my wife is involved in my recovery work even if she doesn't fully understand what I need, as if I do. But she is more aware now when my mood tanks and at least starts trying to pull me out, even if it doesn't seem very successful to her. It's a bit like herding cats.

Thank you for your reply. He wants to marry me, that's why I'm thinking if it's better to end it now if I'm not sure or to try to recover

 

[Grav]

That's a hard one and I don't envy you. At least he's aware of where your mind is instead of blissful oblivion. I've been through enough recovery attempts and I know I put a toll on those who want to help so it's not an easy road for him but if he's willing to get in the fire knowing it burns that's a pretty nice thing for you, to me. You can always put off marriage until you're in a better mindset, maybe even tell him such. Usually no need to rush out and do it. I dated my wife for 6 years and another year of engagement, mostly me wanting to see if any hidden problems came out (like an ex-gf had) but she also got to see me through my moods and still wanted to stick with me. Depending on what sends you down a path or encourages your desire to ctb, does he know of those? If it's something he can help with that may make your recovery task easier, or at least not aggravate you to do it. I guess, my long-winded response is just "keep the communication going and be honest even if it''s ugly"; I've found it's the best way to deal with things even if it's not the most comfortable. Good luck to you!

 

[ncmxm]

That's a hard one and I don't envy you. At least he's aware of where your mind is instead of blissful oblivion. I've been through enough recovery attempts and I know I put a toll on those who want to help so it's not an easy road for him but if he's willing to get in the fire knowing it burns that's a pretty nice thing for you, to me. You can always put off marriage until you're in a better mindset, maybe even tell him such. Usually no need to rush out and do it. I dated my wife for 6 years and another year of engagement, mostly me wanting to see if any hidden problems came out (like an ex-gf had) but she also got to see me through my moods and still wanted to stick with me. Depending on what sends you down a path or encourages your desire to ctb, does he know of those? If it's something he can help with that may make your recovery task easier, or at least not aggravate you to do it. I guess, my long-winded response is just "keep the communication going and be honest even if it''s ugly"; I've found it's the best way to deal with things even if it's not the most comfortable. Good luck to you!

He knows about my depression and thoughts of ctbing, but he says that maybe in the future it'll be different, and he's heavily encouraging me to recover, as he says that he will want to always be with me but only if I recover

So he's kinda giving me an ultimatum, I recover and stay with him or our relationship ends (he doesn't give me a direct ultimatum but this is basically the choice I'm facing)

I don't think he can help with my desire to ctb as I want to ctb because I simply don't want to be alive for like 60 more years, it's not something he can change

 

[BrainBloodClots]

@ncmxm: IMHO, it's important that your BF loves "all" of you...even the parts he's not comfortable with (the CTB thoughts). If you're feeling like he's giving an ultimatum, that might be reason for caution. It's good you've been able to be honest with him. I'm kind of on the same page as Grav with this. No sense to rush to marriage. Maybe your BF is willing to be a good support person for you while you sort through your recovery. Just a thought...

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Just my two cents, but I think that the first question I'd ask is do you genuinely love this guy. If you weren't feeling the depression you're feeling, would him asking you to marry him be the most awesome thing?
If the answer to those questions is yes, then I would encourage you to grab hold of this guy who supports you and stands by you and give things your best shot. Depression is like smoking in a way, it's damn hard to get over it and quit (recover), but if you push people away and isolate yourself, you're far more likely to relapse.
You never know, you really might be able to make it and turn things around for yourself, and I think a key ingredient of that is having the right people supporting you.
I wish you the very best of luck, and though I don't know you, I'm cheering you on!

 

[Venus13]

If you're trying to recover I think the simple answer is no.

The best solution is to say these exact words to him. Give him the chance to be involved in discussing potential outcomes and what it means as far as quality time spent together no matter what. Is he pretty much ready to tie the knot and he doesn't want to become a widower? I would have that tough talk like hey, I don't know about my timeframe here in life. I'm working through this and still getting to know what recovery means for me. I need time in my decision, how do you feel about that? If he says suicidal thoughts out the window or we're over I suppose he's doing the break up, not you. Like @BrainBloodClots mentioned, that means he's not accepting a very real side of you and your situation. If he says I understand you, I want to give you the freedom and time on that matter and I want to love and be with you then I personally would stay with him.

I think everyone is worthy of bonding and loving time with another. I do my best to be forward with someone I'm involved with about my internal struggle with life and death. I don't think depressed or suicidal people should be cut off from love and good moments in their day to day life.

When it comes closer to the time and a decision has been made then a break up is appropriate to help the partner move forward. I think it's better for them to get a sense of distance before also dealing with grief from a death. If suicide has been decided on and it's in motion in planning and preparation then a break up is probably a decent decision.

 

[MissingThyme]

If you love him, and if you think you make his life better and he wants you to stay, if all of these things are true, I would personally say hold onto him with everything you have and try to build something together. I can even see his ultimatum from the perspective of someone terrified of losing someone they see as truly amazing.

But of course it's more complicated than that. I agree with the other posters that you should be honest in how you are feeling, no matter what you decide, and let him decide on breaking it off IF you think he's not going to try and hospitalize you or take steps to stop you. If you think he's going to be proactive on that front if you get more involved, you might need to factor that into your decision.

 

[makethepainstop]

Title. I'm trying to recover but idk if I can, and I'm still considering ctbing later in life.

And in general, do you think it's better not to have any relationships if you're depressed and not sure about ctbing and recovery?

Let me tell you, sister, there is nothing in the world as wonderful as having the right dude for you. Sometimes having two hundred forty pounds of muscle hug you is pure joy and magic,
Try it. He might make all the difference! Luck you having someone, wretched me doing without.

 

[etherealgoddess]

Title. I'm trying to recover but idk if I can, and I'm still considering ctbing later in life.

And in general, do you think it's better not to have any relationships if you're depressed and not sure about ctbing and recovery?

You got this. I absolutely believe in your recovery. When I was suicidal I believed that to be so. I was close to killing myself completely twice, but here I am!

Being lonely is not the way to go when you are suicidal. Do not listen to people who say you should try to stop relationships when you have a mental illness. As long as you aren't venting to them every day like an unpaid therapist, it's fine. Having someone be there for you and care about you is a good foundation for recovery. They do not need to talk through everything like a therapist to help you. Just spending time with someone who cares about you gives you much more of a psychological boost than you think!

I used to have the shittiest "friends" ever at school, and my mom cared about me so much that it backfired (she would support me for two days, and then she would go through an emotional burst, saying I was such a burden and lots of other random stuff she didn't mean because she would feel so overwhelmed knowing I was so upset, and the cycle would continue). Ultimately, I had no one to talk to, and I was a suicidal, depressed wreck.

However, there was this cute boy in my band class, but I never had the courage to talk to him nor did he have the courage to talk to me. I ended up going to an opera with my mom because she wanted someone to go with her, and during the intermission, I saw him. I hesitantly waved to him (acting confident) even though I never had actually talked to him but only had seen him in class, and he was friendly and waved back. We were pretty shy at first. He ended up following me on social media and liked my photo, so I took it as a hint and started talking to him. I talked to him about opera and asked him to hang out, and we have been inseparable since. We really have fallen in love. It's been 9 months, and I'm going to sob because I love him so much (just out of loving him so much, nothing bad). I have to admit that being with him aided in being able to recover, and I forever thank him for being such a lovely person.

During my relationship (we have been together for 9 months now), I maybe talked through how I felt depressed four times maximum. I am not talking about admitting to being depressed casually, but I mean my boyfriend acting as a therapist when I feel absolutely horrible. The reason for this is that he is a boyfriend, not a therapist, and coping mechanisms to deal with your emotions by yourself are really important. I only message him when I am feeling the absolute lowest. People become exhausted when you burden them with therapy sessions, especially when they care about you, so as long as you are not going to him every single time you become sad, it's fine. Of course, though, you should reach out when you feel EXTREMELY depressed like REALLY damn low. When you are depressed, you need people around you!

Anyone wants their partner to recover from suicidal tendencies. I do not think he is FORCING you to recover as fast as possible like an army commander (if he is, then um... concerning). If he really cares about you, he will understand that the journey isn't finished in a snap. But if someone is willing to literally marry you, he definitely wants to be on that journey with you no matter how difficult it is because that is what marriage is! :)