Venting Shit just got real. The Room is Booked.

[Lostandfound7]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

I'm so sorry Honey that it has come to this..I know the feeling of not being appreciated n abused by men all too well. I just recently found out that my husband of 14 yrs was having an affair.I found out the day after our "lovely" anniversary.utter and complete devastation is an understatement.sorry that this is even an option for us. Anything is possible in the next few wks for u..Hopefully, that room will b just a get away spot, for now, n not the means to an end..love u, either way.

 

[ScornedStoic]

I hope you have the courage to choose to go through with it

 

[S1mpleme]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

Can you see my PMs? I think something is wrong with website.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sorry for all your pain. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the support.

I am here to support you on your journey, I hope the absolute BEST for you for whatever path you take. If you are going to end your life then I hope you have a peaceful and easily journey. I am always here to talk to for anything.

Thank you. Im.always touched when people offer thier time. Its our most precious commodity in my opinion i will most likely take you up on it soon...

Can you see my PMs? I think something is wrong with website.

Hi I was able to see them but because your new user you only can do chat and not send PM's so until you said post a certain amount of post I think you can't send PM's but only chat chat doesn't work on my phone on this website and I also had trouble responding to p.m. on my phone cuz of all the changes to the website so I don't mind you talking to me here on the open Forum it doesn't matter either way I'll communicate with people sorry for the confusion

I hope you have the courage to choose to go through with it

Oh I will..... thanks hun

I'm so sorry Honey that it has come to this..I know the feeling of not being appreciated n abused by men all too well. I just recently found out that my husband of 14 yrs was having an affair.I found out the day after our "lovely" anniversary.utter and complete devastation is an understatement.sorry that this is even an option for us. Anything is possible in the next few wks for u..Hopefully, that room will b just a get away spot, for now, n not the means to an end..love u, either way.

Thank you so much sweetie I'm so sad that so many women in this world and men have to endure the suffering that comes from rejection broken hearts and the fall out of our inability to have basic intimate and sexual relationship it's really sad but that just seems to be how the human race is evolving and I don't know what else to say about it but thank you so much for reaching out to me and for the support I doubt that they will be any Miracles over these next few weeks if there are I'm certainly open to it but for me I'm looking forward to everything being over

 

[S1mpleme]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the support.

Thank you. Im.always touched when people offer thier time. Its our most precious commodity in my opinion i will most likely take you up on it soon...

Hi I was able to see them but because your new user you only can do chat and not send PM's so until you said post a certain amount of post I think you can't send PM's but only chat chat doesn't work on my phone on this website and I also had trouble responding to p.m. on my phone cuz of all the changes to the website so I don't mind you talking to me here on the open Forum it doesn't matter either way I'll communicate with people sorry for the confusion

Oh I will..... thanks hun

It's weird. I'm not a new user. I usually send PMs to everyone just fine and we were chatting before. I don't understand what happend.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

You're not doing anything wrong ❤
You're leaving on your own terms. You're doing this for yourself. ❤❤
That's all that matters

Thank you so much for this comment I really need to hear more of this it's so nice have that validation and affirmation that my life is my own and that if I feel that I don't want to just suffer endlessly and needlessly that I can choose this journey and this path that leads to Everlasting peace

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Thank you so much for this comment I really need to hear more of this it's so nice have that validation and affirmation that my life is my own and that if I feel that I don't want to just suffer endlessly and needlessly that I can choose this journey and this path that leads to Everlasting peace

I think everyone needs to hear more of it
Including myself

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

So sorry you have had to go through all this.I can't even imagine all the pain you have had to go through. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to die when I hear other peoples stories.
I understand the religious bullshit … I think (most times) there is a higher power but I also think they use it to control people.
I hope you are able to find peace when the time comes.

Hi hun first of all I want to say that everybody's reason for wanting to live is valid I'm sure you've heard this before I think we all have a tendency to gate keep and compare ourselves with others and come out feeling like maybe what we went through isn't as bad I feel that way too when I think of people living in war-torn countries are starving to death I'm a hundred fifty pounds overweight so there's always going to be a place where guilt if you look for it that being said thank you so much for your support and your kind words it really has been one horrific event after another and after 40 years I just am done so thank you so much and I appreciate you being on this journey with me

So sorry you have had to go through all this.I can't even imagine all the pain you have had to go through. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to die when I hear other peoples stories.
I understand the religious bullshit … I think (most times) there is a higher power but I also think they use it to control people.
I hope you are able to find peace when the time comes.

Hi hun first of all I want to say that everybody is reason for wanting to live is valid I'm sure you've heard this before I think we all have a tendency to gate keep and compare ourselves with others and come out feeling like maybe what we went through isn't as bad I feel that way too when I think of people

 

[Lostandfound7]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the support.

Thank you. Im.always touched when people offer thier time. Its our most precious commodity in my opinion i will most likely take you up on it soon...

Hi I was able to see them but because your new user you only can do chat and not send PM's so until you said post a certain amount of post I think you can't send PM's but only chat chat doesn't work on my phone on this website and I also had trouble responding to p.m. on my phone cuz of all the changes to the website so I don't mind you talking to me here on the open Forum it doesn't matter either way I'll communicate with people sorry for the confusion

Oh I will..... thanks hun

Thank you so much sweetie I'm so sad that so many women in this world and men have to endure the suffering that comes from rejection broken hearts and the fall out of our inability to have basic intimate and sexual relationship it's really sad but that just seems to be how the human race is evolving and I don't know what else to say about it but thank you so much for reaching out to me and for the support I doubt that they will be any Miracles over these next few weeks if there are I'm certainly open to it but for me I'm looking forward to everything being over

I feel u honey..if u ever need to talk,plz reach out..here's to healing..sending u my love.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm mostly a lurker here.. But your story forced me to come out of the woodwork for a minute. I'm so incredibly sorry that this life has been so unkind and unfair to you. I wish I could reach through the computer and grasp your hands and tell you it's all going to be okay. But I know that's not reality. I hope you're able to find a ray of warm sunlight through these last few weeks and even though we've never met and probably never will, know I care and that you have a friend from beyond the computer screen that cares. <3 I hope you truly find your peace because god knows you deserve it. *hugs*

Panda! Your so sweet. You know it's funny when I was reading your words to me I couldn't help but think that if I had more people in my life dad said to me what you said to me I might not have to die but the reason why I don't have a Social Circle that was never able to find myself in a community is due to my severe emotional disability that's followed me from a traumatic childhood and went unchecked until I met the boy last summer and everything came apart and there's no way I'm going to start from Ground Zero at 40 years old but your words are just so warm and it reminds me of the life that I wish I had until I'm glad to experience this on my road out

cant wait till im at this point

I said the same thing a few months ago and now Im.here... everyone has a tipping point & certainly hit mines

cant wait till im at this point

I said the same thing a few months ago and now Im.here... everyone has a tipping point & certainly hit mines

It's heartbreaking to read what you've been through, so sorry to read. I'd really wish for you to end up in a better place whatever choice you may make. Booking room must make it suddenly feel so real.

It really does, i feel a sense of structure that was missing all my life, but now i have a sure path

This is heartbreaking, but I hope everything works out for you when the time comes.

My heart is broken too, i really could have made such a bigger contribution to the human race, so much potential wasted... but no matter there will always be someone else, always will be

I'm right behind you. I want to leave for similar reasons. My life has pretty much the same outcome and want to leave for the same reasons. It's devastating to live with knowing you will never have a life worth living. Good luck

Thank you. I need all the luck I can get to pull this off. And yes, I will never have a life worth living no matter how many people try & convince me that "this time will be better".... May you find peace & relief too

That would be devastating for me to see you go @Crushed_Innocence . And also @Final Escape . Both of your posts are like poetry. Many of us here on this forum would definitely miss both your posts and both your presence here. I know both of you can see the immense number of likes and positive remarks toward you from members here that prove this. I hope neither of you leave but of course you have to do what you think is right for you.

Oh sweetie, this makes me feel so sad..... why is it so many with the gift of contribution to others given over to suicide so much? Im just weak, too sensitive for the harshness of life.... Im glad that you felt the empathy & solidarity in my posts, that my experience resonated with something in you. We as humans are wired for this, its one of the functions for community.... I wish there was a way, but I doubt there is any realistic thing that will keep me from boarding my bus, just know each word and interaction from u & all here represent my family of light ushering me into my eternal destination. For that let there be sadness but also happiness that one more mutherfucker made it out of this shithole! I want confetti to fall when the line strikes thru my name!

Your story breaks my heart. You've been strong to get this far. I wish you could continue but I can respect the exhaustion you must be feeling.
I just wish I could say more to help.

Its okay, thank you for just posting. Each one helps me feel a little less alone as i get nearer to the end

I feel u honey..if u ever need to talk,plz reach out..here's to healing..sending u my love.

Recieved..thank u so much..

It's a shame that everything in your life was so shitty for you. Your experience must be terrible. You were abandoned by people who were supposed to take care of you and love you. I understand your decision but I'm always sad to see a long-term member go. I hope for you that a miracle will soon happen to you and your physical and mental health will improve. But I'm also realistic and I can only wish you peace for your last days on earth. Hopefully you decide otherwise. Please be careful with yourself.

Thank you..

Hey, just echoing what everyone else said really. I'm so truly sorry life dealt you shit, and I'm truly sorry for the pain and suffering you've been through and dealt with. Ultimately the choice is yours, but it's never too late if you decide the time isn't right. We are here for you, regardless, right up to the end ❤

Thank you sister........

can i ask a favour?

Sure? Whats is the favor?

 

[GHOST99]

The foster care system is horrific, and the pain of a broken heart is wretching. I really hope you can feel peace and relief from your trauma, dear. Best wishes. Maybe we can form a lonely hearts club in the afterlife? ♥

 

[TrailerTrash]

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. It's sad, isn't it, to try with all your heart and get cast away so easily by others. I wish you peace in whatever you decide and if staying is your decision we're always here for you. Virtual hug to you from me .... a lifelong misfit toy that can relate on several levels.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

The foster care system is horrific, and the pain of a broken heart is wretching. I really hope you can feel peace and relief from your trauma, dear. Best wishes. Maybe we can form a lonely hearts club in the afterlife? ♥

Hello friend, I hope there is no afterlife, because the whole point is to escape my mind & memories. I would never want anything I know as "me" to go on and not be able to get rid of it, lamenting my loss for eternity would be hell, that said ill be a lonely heart with u here & now for these reamining weeks... It would take a mega post dozens of pages long for me to document the horrors I endured in 25 institutions, plus my very mentally Ill mother and all her abuse.. i think ill leave a post with some details, like when she left me on my dads porch but he wasnt home ... i was like 5 or6... icant wait to die

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. It's sad, isn't it, to try with all your heart and get cast away so easily by others. I wish you peace in whatever you decide and if staying is your decision we're always here for you. Virtual hug to you from me .... a lifelong misfit toy that can relate on several levels.

Yes. Those words "cast away" resonate strongly... The story of my life

 

[Nem]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience in life, it's not fair and it sucks ass in the worst way. I can offer you a huge hug and as much love as one can send online
peace/hugs!!!

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience in life, it's not fair and it sucks ass in the worst way. I can offer you a huge hug and as much love as one can send online ❤❤❤❤
peace/hugs!!!

I love huggs.. thank you! Huggs to u too

 

[MysticPerception]

I know I haven't talked to you directly ever but I'm sad to hear you're going honestly. I'm sorry your life has been such a roller coaster of pain and failures. I know that feeling to an extent. I hope your method succeeds and you find peace when you do go to do it. In the mean time, at least you can get all of your emotions off your chest and just free yourself completely before finally exiting this dreadful world.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I know I haven't talked to you directly ever but I'm sad to hear you're going honestly. I'm sorry your life has been such a roller coaster of pain and failures. I know that feeling to an extent. I hope your method succeeds and you find peace when you do go to do it. In the mean time, at least you can get all of your emotions off your chest and just free yourself completely before finally exiting this dreadful world.

Thank you for this, thats exactly what I want to do, i refuse to crawl under a rock & die, i feel at the very least i can have my say & tell my story before i exit... being here on ss is more than i could hope for.. I wont have to die insignificant

 

[Green Destiny]

I hope you get some much needed rest after 40 years of pain and existence. Go on your own terms and yours alone. And we'll still be here if you decide not to go through with it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hi hun first of all I want to say that everybody's reason for wanting to live is valid I'm sure you've heard this before I think we all have a tendency to gate keep and compare ourselves with others and come out feeling like maybe what we went through isn't as bad I feel that way too when I think of people living in war-torn countries are starving to death I'm a hundred fifty pounds overweight so there's always going to be a place where guilt if you look for it that being said thank you so much for your support and your kind words it really has been one horrific event after another and after 40 years I just am done so thank you so much and I appreciate you being on this journey with me

Hi hun first of all I want to say that everybody is reason for wanting to live is valid I'm sure you've heard this before I think we all have a tendency to gate keep and compare ourselves with others and come out feeling like maybe what we went through isn't as bad I feel that way too when I think of people

Hi Crushed,
I totally understand about life being one horrific event after another. Even little things that wouldn't effect most people feel like mountains to me. I have had enough.

 

[TAW122]

That is quite a hard life and I hope you are able to find the bus to peace. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hi Crushed,
I totally understand about life being one horrific event after another. Even little things that wouldn't effect most people feel like mountains to me. I have had enough.

Yes, that is the sentiment of my soul "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH" -- shit that need to be on my muthafukkin gravestone! lol

That would be devastating for me to see you go @Crushed_Innocence . And also @Final Escape . Both of your posts are like poetry. Many of us here on this forum would definitely miss both your posts and both your presence here. I know both of you can see the immense number of likes and positive remarks toward you from members here that prove this. I hope neither of you leave but of course you have to do what you think is right for you.

Hey honey, Its crazy to become a part of a community just to die, Iam so sad that for someof us the onyl time we will feel accpeted and really have sense of family and communiy is on SS, before we CTB, Please know I love you as much as a broken person like me is possible---- I can only offer my story, suppport to others while Im still here, detaisl on my method and hopefully a documentation. I also will be making a video that I hope ppl on here will be able to see when Im gone..... Hang in there sis, Im sure you will discover what is right for you in time as far as your own journey. I wish we all could stay here and find a way, but Im done with the sink or swim game.

 

[Pan]

Yes, your story, friend, brought a tear to my eye and I pray you will find the peace life cruelly robbed you of. If your story teaches us anything, it is that there is no justice, that life is not only unfair, but can in fact be brutal in its own way.

 

[Passersby]

Hi Crushed, I have seen your posts and noticed your presence on here for a long time. Don't think we ever actually talked but wanted to say hi and I feel your struggle. Sounds like you have dealt with so much bs and intolerable suffering for a long time. I'm sure you have tried everything to better yourself at this point. It is sad to see you go as it also seems that a lot of other longtime members on here have also recently went. Sounds like you have rationaly thought this out for a long time and based in what you said I don't know how you have been able to make it this long. Some people will just never understand suicide for whatever reasons, maybe because they have never suffered at a extreme level for so long and no hope of a way out. This would be 1 reason I guess. If you decide to go then I hope it is peaceful and smooth. As far as the hell afterlife goes I have also been indoctrinated with this for yrs while growing up. It really bothers me too think about it so the best thing I can tell you to do about that is too nit think about it. It is probably a man made concept anyway. Why would anyone in there right mind create such a place? I will join you sometime. Hope if this is your last few weeks that they go with less suffering and you could do something you would have fun at if possible. Peace and hugs.

 

[Pan]

It will be peaceful and smooth,no hassles about heaven, hell purgatory. Hinduismand Buddhism teach that if you knew death is the end, you would be driven mad by the knowledge. You will cruise the multiverse, looking for your spot.

 

[lotus11]

Fuck just read this and your story is SO SO relatable. It sounds very similar to my own one, so I can understand the hell your living in. Are you still around? Anyway i wish you luck in whatever you choose

 

[Pan]

Thanx, and I feel comforted by the fact that iit is so relatable... I feel so despairing, so suicidal...my only hope is that full suspension will go off without a hitch. Peace from this life, and the memories that haunt me still...
Can you talk me down? Can you save me from ctb? Please help!,,,
CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEASE!?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Thanx, and I feel comforted by the fact that iit is so relatable... I feel so despairing, so suicidal...my only hope is that full suspension will go off without a hitch. Peace from this life, and the memories that haunt me still...
Can you talk me down? Can you save me from ctb? Please help!,,,
CAN SOMEONE HELP PLEASE!?

What help do you need? Do u still want to live?

 

[Pan]

No, I don't want to live...in fact, I plan on ctb. In the spring....too bad that it comes to that, but I am done with this life...as a believer in reincarnation, I know that my next life will be minus the mistakes I made in this one....
I have seen jumping videos; they look alright to me; they seem fairly clean....one jump and it's certainly over...now, where do I do it? That is the question...