She deactivated, she’s really gone

[everlastinghistory]

She deactivated her Twitter. "She" being a girl I love. The only person I've ever loved. We don't live in the same country so I can't see her irl. This is the end. She's gone for good.

I'll wait the 40 days until accounts are permanently deleted. But if she's not back in 40 days I will commit. There's nothing worth staying for without her.

I think realistically she was hurting me too and this is probably for the best. But I'm so dependent on her that I genuinely feel like I have nothing without her. I feel like I am nothing without her. She's my everything.

She deactivates her Twitter fairly often and usually comes back but this time I'm not so sure she will. It is possible that she just felt overwhelmed and needed a break. She had been on the app a lot longer than she usually stays before deactivating for a while. But I dunno.

I don't think I'll last past that 40 day mark. That'll be the end. If she's not back: I'm gone.

Everyone always tries to tell me I'll find someone else but I don't want someone else. She's perfect. She's everything I've ever dreamed of. She's precious and lovely and well… Perfect.

She's not replaceable. And I'll never forget this. I'll be in misery the rest of my life no matter how long or short that may be.

(Please, even if it's fake and you don't really believe it: Try to make this sound okay. I really can't even make it through regular days this way. Please just try to convince me this will be fine so I can at least make it through the next 40 days…)

 

[theboy]

Sad love

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be painful and hard to deal with what you have to go through, and I'm personally against giving people false hope even know you requested it, but still I wish you the best.

 

[CTB Dream]

This life cruel make grieve think find person but nothing get end ,all awful life real sorry not able see love real sorry pain sufferia. This very understand, very damage, sorry hapn hope peace

 

[melodrama]

I hope this doesn't sound criminal or anything, but is there no way you can find more information about this person? Other than her twitter account? If it's someone you talked to a lot, it shouldn't be too hard to get in touch with her in another way. I understand the feeling of being hopelessly in love. We only met our soulmate once.

 

[Unending]

Realistically, I think that it is more likely that you will get past this emotionally than stay devastated about it forever if you choose to wait it out. That being said, your pain is very real and I don't think that should be dismissed. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it.

But yeah, the ending of love always tops my suicidality off to a pretty large extent so I know how that goes. It's definitely torment at least if my experience lines up with the way that other's here experience it.

Sorry for what you're going through and I hope you find some relief at some point sooner than later.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hope this doesn't sound criminal or anything, but is there no way you can find more information about this person? Other than her twitter account? If it's someone you talked to a lot, it shouldn't be too hard to get in touch with her in another way. I understand the feeling of being hopelessly in love. We only met our soulmate once.

Chances are if someone deactivated their twitter account, they're probably avoiding the OP so getting into contact with her through other means will be disastrous. Not to mention, that could be borderline stalking. It's a bad idea to keep poking the bear so to speak.

 

[melodrama]

Chances are if someone deactivated their twitter account, they're probably avoiding the OP so getting into contact with her through other means will be disastrous. Not to mention, that could be borderline stalking. It's a bad idea to keep poking the bear so to speak.

You indeed have a point. :(

 

[SweetSacrifice]

What makes her perfect to you? It's a very high standard. What does she give you that no one else can?

 

[everlastinghistory]

I hope this doesn't sound criminal or anything, but is there no way you can find more information about this person? Other than her twitter account? If it's someone you talked to a lot, it shouldn't be too hard to get in touch with her in another way. I understand the feeling of being hopelessly in love. We only met our soulmate once.

I have her discord and previously had her Instagram but she deleted it and I'm pretty sure she deleted the discord app. She doesn't have much of a social media presence because she thinks it's pointless. The only reason she's on Twitter is to get thoughts out that she can't share in real life. I tried messaging her discord but so far I've got nothing.

I'm really hoping she just felt overwhelmed and needed some time to calm down and think.

That really sucks... Do you have no other way to contact her?

I have her discord and previously had her Instagram before she deleted it but I'm pretty sure she also deleted the discord app. She doesn't use social media much because she thinks it's pointless. She's only on Twitter to have someone to say thoughts she can't say irl.

 

[brokenpersi]

hold on my friend. I'm going through something similar. I haven't been able to sleep for half a year, I was literally suffocating from pain - physical and mental. This is my first love, the truest love I could give. And the worst happened. I found out that she has someone. And you know what, I expected it to break my heart - but paradoxically it started to work like medicine. I realized that I meant nothing to her anymore, although I swear I would give my life for her. And she couldn't even reply to a text, she was seeing someone else - knowing perfectly well how I suffer. It's been six months for me. In addition, physical health began to sag from the nerves.

But being at the very bottom, I decided to try to get carried away. Again. So at least by taking the SN that's waiting for me in the closet I'll know I tried.

And you know what - in the least expected moment I met someone myself. By complete accident. For now, we're just talking. Nothing more. But I'm starting to believe that maybe there's still happiness waiting for me somewhere. But yes - even if it works out, nothing will be the same as with the previous love.

I went through exactly the same as you. I gave my best and got betrayed and left. The world literally lost its smell, colors, shapes - everything fell apart. Only someone who has truly loved will understand what it means - it's the death of a part of you. You already died .You're already dead my friend.

Now is your chance to try to be born again. I'm trying. I do not know if it's gonna work. But that's the only path worth taking.

 

[everlastinghistory]

What makes her perfect to you? It's a very high standard. What does she give you that no one else can?

Well, we have the same sense of humour, a lot of similar interests, she's always been really sweet and she's always tried to understand me. She saved my life which was definitely a huge factor. When we first met I had a date set and everything. I was gonna commit a few months after we met but the idea of dying never having got to get to know her terrified me. I stayed because I wanted to keep talking to her because she genuinely made me happy. She's really pretty too.. The prettiest person I've ever seen… And she's always been super caring and supportive. She's always been appreciative of how much I cared for her and how I'd check on her if her posts would get concerning and vice versa. She makes me happier than anyone ever has, she has cute reactions to things when she isn't sure how to react, she's the perfect level of chaotic and calm to match me… She's always respected me and she has good taste in music and I think her height is cute and I've never gotten bored talking to her.

The list could go on but y'know. I'll stop there . She's just… Everything I've ever dreamed of.

 

[brokenpersi]

But now that she left you, she's not that person anymore. She has changed. Understand this. I understood. Then I bought the SN. I had a kilogram of a substance in front of me, only a few grams of which can kill me. I can do it anytime. Once you reach this state, nothing can destroy you. . The pain will stay with us for the rest of our lives. But it won't get any worse. They're gone my friend, we've both lost them. We can still get ourselves back.

I was screaming in pain for half a year. not like a child. like an adult fully aware of what had happened, whose soul and heart had been ripped out.

Don't count down 40 days to the end. Count them down to the beginning new life.

 

[BlackMilk]

My boyfriend was the only shelter from the pain until he decided to leave a few weeks ago. He said we couldn't keep each other happy, but he was the only sunshine in my life. I was already experiencing intense SI, but now that he's left it's gotten worse than I thought it would. I was always worried he'd move on and I'm not surprised, so I told him I wished I'd never met him so I didn't have to feel this pain now. I told him I loved him and it hurt very much when he told me he didn't love me anymore. I feel so weak now. I don't have any interest in other people, it would just be a temporary distraction. At least this makes planning easier.

 

[epic]

She deactivated her Twitter. "She" being a girl I love. The only person I've ever loved. We don't live in the same country so I can't see her irl. This is the end. She's gone for good.

I'll wait the 40 days until accounts are permanently deleted. But if she's not back in 40 days I will commit. There's nothing worth staying for without her.

I think realistically she was hurting me too and this is probably for the best. But I'm so dependent on her that I genuinely feel like I have nothing without her. I feel like I am nothing without her. She's my everything.

She deactivates her Twitter fairly often and usually comes back but this time I'm not so sure she will. It is possible that she just felt overwhelmed and needed a break. She had been on the app a lot longer than she usually stays before deactivating for a while. But I dunno.

I don't think I'll last past that 40 day mark. That'll be the end. If she's not back: I'm gone.

Everyone always tries to tell me I'll find someone else but I don't want someone else. She's perfect. She's everything I've ever dreamed of. She's precious and lovely and well… Perfect.

She's not replaceable. And I'll never forget this. I'll be in misery the rest of my life no matter how long or short that may be.

(Please, even if it's fake and you don't really believe it: Try to make this sound okay. I really can't even make it through regular days this way. Please just try to convince me this will be fine so I can at least make it through the next 40 days…)

Is she the only reason you are suicidal ?

She deactivated her Twitter. "She" being a girl I love. The only person I've ever loved. We don't live in the same country so I can't see her irl. This is the end. She's gone for good.

I'll wait the 40 days until accounts are permanently deleted. But if she's not back in 40 days I will commit. There's nothing worth staying for without her.

I think realistically she was hurting me too and this is probably for the best. But I'm so dependent on her that I genuinely feel like I have nothing without her. I feel like I am nothing without her. She's my everything.

She deactivates her Twitter fairly often and usually comes back but this time I'm not so sure she will. It is possible that she just felt overwhelmed and needed a break. She had been on the app a lot longer than she usually stays before deactivating for a while. But I dunno.

I don't think I'll last past that 40 day mark. That'll be the end. If she's not back: I'm gone.

Everyone always tries to tell me I'll find someone else but I don't want someone else. She's perfect. She's everything I've ever dreamed of. She's precious and lovely and well… Perfect.

She's not replaceable. And I'll never forget this. I'll be in misery the rest of my life no matter how long or short that may be.

(Please, even if it's fake and you don't really believe it: Try to make this sound okay. I really can't even make it through regular days this way. Please just try to convince me this will be fine so I can at least make it through the next 40 days…)

I am truly sorry that you feel this way but there are so many other things in life worth living like a career, family, friends . I bet she means a world to you today but there are billions of people to choose from, you may find the same kind of satisfaction from some other relationship, you never know unless you try . Let's say if it's not as perfect as your relationship with this particular woman (very probable scenario) so what ? Does everything have to be meticulous , picture precise and perfect to be worth living . The divorce rate in the USA is almost 50% https://divorce.com/blog/divorce-statistics/ . A minuscule percentage among them take any extreme steps even they must have gone in thinking "till death do us apart" .

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do feel so bad for you. I can understand to an extent the pain you are going through. I don't want this to sound like I am belittling your feelings- or saying that they are not genuine. I think you would have to agree that they are obsessive though. From what you've said in other posts, you feel unable to leave her alone and you can't stop thinking about her. I don't expect you want to get over her. I expect you are still clinging to the hope she will get back in touch.

It's going to really depend on whether you want to get better for yourself but I do think you need to ask yourself why you are so obsessed with her. Why you simply can't go on without her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I actually am talking from the perspective of being a VERY obsessive type of person myself. I have had terribly intense and painful crushes on people in the past. What helped/helps me was learning about limerance- an obsessive, slightly delusional form of love. I feel sure that ALL of the crushes I've had on people have been this. It's been a really unhealthy thing for me to be honest.

I expect all crushes can be fairly obsessive but I think limerance is different. I think the intensity is far greater. I just don't think many people can cope with that level of obsession. I may have got this all wrong of course but I think maybe it would help you to look at stuff like this. The YouTube channel: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' has some really good material on it. I wish you well- whatever happens.

 

[everlastinghistory]

Is she the only reason you are suicidal ?

I am truly sorry that you feel this way but there are so many other things in life worth living like a career, family, friends . I bet she means a world to you today but there are billions of people to choose from, you may find the same kind of satisfaction from some other relationship, you never know unless you try . Let's say if it's not as perfect as your relationship with this particular woman (very probable scenario) so what ? Does everything have to be meticulous , picture precise and perfect to be worth living . The divorce rate in the USA is almost 50% https://divorce.com/blog/divorce-statistics/ . A minuscule percentage among them take any extreme steps even they must have gone in thinking "till death do us apart" .

Is she the only reason you are suicidal ?

There's a lot of reasons. I was gonna commit a few months after we first met, actually. I didn't because I wanted to get to know her, and she made me happy. Losing her sort of just tipped me back to where I was before we met.

I may have got this all wrong

Definitely not wrong. I've been obsessive since I was a kid. I guess it just got worse as I got older because I refuse to ever get any sort of professional psychological help. Always figured I'd be dead before it would matter.

I've had situations in the past where it was 100% purely obsession. Though this isn't the same. I do genuinely love her. I actually considered getting help at one point because she seemed so worried about me. Which is one of my biggest fears so the fact that I would willingly want to seek that out for her says a lot.

I've been trying my best to treat her how she deserves, but I don't think I'm capable of it. Neither of us are mentally okay and I think that causes a bit of tension naturally even without the current issues.

It is definitely partly obsession. Though I'm not so sure about delusion. She tried to claim I was delusional but I had screenshots that proved I wasn't so that idea was shot down immediately.

I've always been obsessive though. I had thought I'd experienced every possible bad situation with it considering how young I was when it started. I don't think I could've been further from the truth.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

hey, im in the same boat as you actually haha. i live in germany, she lives in texas, she said shes done with me after i lashed out a bit without really telling me at all what was going on or if i couldve done anything to fix it. im waiting hopefully just a couple more weeks until what would be our first anniversary, and then after that i'll be logging off permanently. i can't say i understand how bad it hurts because theres no way anyone could but i understand what sort of feelings you might be having and all of those sort of things. if you wanna pm and just hangout and talk about our people or if you just need someone to talk too about it then please feel free to reach out. here 4 u

 

[Catlovergirl]

Just my opinon no1 at all has 2 disgaree or agree with me at all as that's not at all important 2 me right now after ALL i have been through, however what is: I see whether it's real or fake empathy I'm now not gonna go and analyse everyones messgaes, how they type, the structure of their sentences, the words they use, any form extreme pain or sympathy 4 someone they don't even know is not right now the thing I want or ever feel like doing. But again this forum has lots of secret hidden trolls/personality cluster B diisordered people who has 1 intent guess what? I am open I am a cluster B borderline with serve depression but somehow I have to much empathy plus know who I am to my core and no1 can ever change it ever. Hence I'll always speak the truth, be real, never ever fake or where a mask as the majority of any society or poplulation. My moral compass still still sits north even though my head if fucked up., however I'm learning very fast not at all on this forum are real and pure people as it will always rock for me but I know 2 be extremely careful, believe no 1 until I'm sure I can ect. To those who have read this and experienced similar it will resonate more but to every1 in fact take what resonates with you and leave what doesnt' as it's not my ego or job 2 force my opinion as right on any1. peace people