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[J Tizzle]

Well, I'm a 26. Female. Live in the US. Was born to a heroin addict and a stripper who had no business having kids. My dad left us before I was born (or maybe shortly after) and died of an overdose when I was 8. Stepdad was physically abusive. Kicked me, hit me, etc. Mom was mentally, emotionally, physically abusive. She has grabbed me by the throat and thrown me into walls, beat me, took gloves covered in poison ivy and rubbed them in my face, told me I was a bitch, a cunt, she hated me, she wished she never had me, etc. My therapists are convinced I was sexually abused when I was a kid but repressed the memories, but who the heck knows. Lots of trauma in my youth, either way.

When I was 16 I contracted an infection from a bug bite. It was misdiagnosed as an autoimmune condition until this year. We didn't have health insurance so my mom took me to various churches to get faith healed. I wasn't. As a result of the infections I developed gastroparesis, billiary dyskinesia, possible chronic pancreatitis, ligament ruptures in my hand, a spontaneous CSF leak, and just general chronic pain and fatigue. I've had three surgeries in the last six months. I can't consistently work a lot because of my health problems and I dropped out of school, canceled a pain for trip to Greece and Italy, and have been struggling just to get by. I'm a very driven, motivated person with a body that can't keep up. I hate it.

I joined a 12 step fellowship about 6 years ago which has brought me some peace and happiness. Recently I was sexually assaulted by a member of the fellowship. He still goes to meetings around here and people I thought were friends have taken his side. Even my fellowship is uncomfortable and causes a lot of anxiety.

Rental prices have gone up in my area, and I can't afford to live here anymore. Not even rent a room. So I'll either be living in my car, or renting a room in the middle of nowhere, hours from my friends and doctors. Even then I'll be financially struggling. I've had good times in my life, and I have amazing friends. But being sick, not being in school, having no career, being unable to really support myself, and having to decide between being homeless or leaving my friends and doctors... well, I'm not sure there's anything left for me.

 

[Whatshername]

Hello everyone, new member here. I have read many of your life stories and my heart goes out to all of you. I hope you find peace regardless of your decision to keep on fighting or CTB.

My story is somewhat different, as I didn't have to endure lifelong suffering, like many of you did. I've had a decent life as far as family and growing up goes. I lived with mild social anxiety, but nothing unbearable. My problems started around 28, after my husband and I moved into a new house. My anxiety reared its head and I started experiencing random pain all over my body, which got much worse over the years. The Clinical Depression and Fibromyalgia diagnosis came much later.

Soon afterwards, my loved ones started dying one after another. My father, grandparents, best friend. I was going through hell trying to be strong for my mother and my husband despite my own suffering and condition. Unsuccessfully. My husband decided he couldn't take it/me anymore, leading to a divorce.

I moved in with my mother, I had some savings, but incapable of working full time. She wasn't in the best mental state either, but we managed to make it work and help each other as best we could. Until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don't think I have to go into details about her suffering and my feelings of grief and uselessness, because I couldn't help her with anything more than holding her hand every day, while she was begging for an End. F%ck society and laws that keep a suffering person alive against their wishes. She was my last close relative.

After her passing I tried to pull my bearings together alone, in worsening physical and mental condition. I finally met someone who made me feel safe and loved regardless of my issues. We didn't get even 18 months together. He died in an industrial accident. I finally lost it. I live in constant pain with the few remaining people around me not having a clue, offering condolences, platitudes, (you're a valuable person, you can fight it…and so on) but no help. Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for 12 years, but the last year has cemented my resolve.

 

[therhydler]

I fear going outside.i always stay in the home.i don't like being with people.i want to stay always alone.i don't have friends.people always bully me.

I'm really sorry :(

 

[Bread]

People have never liked me very much. I never had any good friends and I've always hated myself. Then I got sick at 13 and since then I've just been trapped in bed by my dumb weak body. I was too sick to go to high school and I haven't had friends in years. I still feel like a child since I never had those important life experiences that help develop you mentally into an adult. People keep saying that if I live a little longer they might find a cure for my disease, but at this point I don't really care. I've wanted to die for years and I've made up my mind. Even if I got better I'd still have terrible depression and I'm too sensitive to survive in this world. I have no skills and nothing to offer society. I hate myself too much to truly feel loved. It's ok though. I've accepted that this is the way it's going to be and I'm mostly at peace with that. The only thing left for me to do is gather the courage I still seem to be lacking.

I'd also like to say I feel very much for every person on this thread or even on this site. There's so much pain here. I only hope that every one of you can find peace one way or another.

 

[Eren]

Story? I do not have a great story to tell, I'm just sick of being the way I am and living like that, I've spent most of my life depressed and alone (apart from my parents) and I want to end it.

 

[ChemicallyCalm]

Well...

Growing up for a while it was just me and my mom for a while, my dad left when I was very very young. We only saw each other occasionally and going into my teens I started to hold a lot of resentment towards him. He was always kind to me but I was pissed about how little I got to see him or hear from him. We reconnected recently, excited to see each other. Then he died of stomach cancer.

I had a bit of a resentment towards my stepdad when I was younger but that's mostly over? I still kinda hold a grudge I think.

My mom and my stepdad were very mentally abusive. And I did grow up during the time it was ok to hit your kids. (Or maybe it wasn't ok? But heck they did it anyway) I can still vividly remember a thrashing I got once and another time being dragged by my very weak wrists because I wouldn't close my bedroom door.
After the physical stuff stopped I just got a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from them. There were times that they'd put heavy boxes in front of my door so I couldn't get out. They'd often leave me at home alone for hours and not feed me.

In school I got told to hang myself, I got racial abuse, I got locked in cupboards and had footballs thrown at me, I've been groped and harassed. It was shit.

At 16 I got into an abusive relationship. He was manipulative and mentally abusive. He wouldn't let me talk to any guys or bisexual girls, if I did he'd threaten to leave unless I sent a horrible message and blocked them. I once talked to a trans friend of mine about their love life and he saw and went crazy for some reason, smashed shit in front of me then threw me out of the house at like midnight. Bare in mind I'm a just turned 16 year old girl in an unfamiliar town...
I tried to leave a lot but he'd just guilt trip me into staying by threatening suicide or by self harming.
Eventually it just got to the point where he was threatening to kill me in all manner of ways.

After that I was sexually assaulted by two different guys, and toyed with by others. I won't go into that

The latest things were my grandad and dad dying and being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, with the lovely symptom of allodynia which means so much as pushing on my skin hurts me.

I don't know how much more shit I can take honestly

 

[lululoo]

Hello everyone, new member here. I have read many of your life stories and my heart goes out to all of you. I hope you find peace regardless of your decision to keep on fighting or CTB.

My story is somewhat different, as I didn't have to endure lifelong suffering, like many of you did. I've had a decent life as far as family and growing up goes. I lived with mild social anxiety, but nothing unbearable. My problems started around 28, after my husband and I moved into a new house. My anxiety reared its head and I started experiencing random pain all over my body, which got much worse over the years. The Clinical Depression and Fibromyalgia diagnosis came much later.

Soon afterwards, my loved ones started dying one after another. My father, grandparents, best friend. I was going through hell trying to be strong for my mother and my husband despite my own suffering and condition. Unsuccessfully. My husband decided he couldn't take it/me anymore, leading to a divorce.

I moved in with my mother, I had some savings, but incapable of working full time. She wasn't in the best mental state either, but we managed to make it work and help each other as best we could. Until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I don't think I have to go into details about her suffering and my feelings of grief and uselessness, because I couldn't help her with anything more than holding her hand every day, while she was begging for an End. F%ck society and laws that keep a suffering person alive against their wishes. She was my last close relative.

After her passing I tried to pull my bearings together alone, in worsening physical and mental condition. I finally met someone who made me feel safe and loved regardless of my issues. We didn't get even 18 months together. He died in an industrial accident. I finally lost it. I live in constant pain with the few remaining people around me not having a clue, offering condolences, platitudes, (you're a valuable person, you can fight it…and so on) but no help. Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for 12 years, but the last year has cemented my resolve.

I'm sorry for all your losses. And for your fibromyalgia. It is miserable and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[Whatshername]

I'm sorry for all your losses. And for your fibromyalgia. It is miserable and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you, you're very kind. I wouldn't wish it on anyone either. Or any kind of chronic pain. Or abuse or suffering. Yet all of us, here we are... Life sucks.