Story Share your story

[Lastchance]

I'm interested in hearing the stories of those of us who are considering ctb. Only if comfortable ofcourse. What has lead to this point. I'm sure we can relate.

 

[Essie]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-does-your-typical-day-look-like.4662/page-2#post-105784

I think mine will come up if I linked right. And that is after battling poverty my whole life, 3 separate mental issues, and another Dr f-up of him damaging my eyes for a year. I fixed all those only for this to come on the tail-end, so after a sold decade of this medical and mental health crap, I am burned out.

What about you?

Edit to say: and I have been raped and killed before, but that was many years ago, and I had an abusive family and still do. Actually, it's 12 years of the above crap this April. My life is like the plot line of a TV show, where episode after episode, it gets worse, season after season, it gets worse; then just when it finally gets better.....
it gets even worse than all the years combined.

 

[Lastchance]

I will share mine. I was highly successful and extremely driven. I sacrificed a lot to reach a point in life. Things derailed when the sister in law of the girl I was seeing on and off tried to sleep with me. I rejected her numerous times but she slowly dig her claws in and wore me down over time. I was not entirely innocent myself however one night I had a moment of weakness and we ended up sleeping together. This lead to her ending her marriage with her husband (basically my brother in law) and friend. It was an awful thing to get caught up in how everything unfolded. They are both un aware however the guilt and shame has destroyed me. Plus the sister in law is a sociopath/psychopath and basically admitted to purposely destroying what I had with the girl I was seeing and used me as a pawn to fuck them both over, a parting gift. I want to expose her for what she has done but at the same time this would expose me and I would be in a world of trouble (not smart to sleep with a pro fighters wife). I have lost a lot of people who I was very close to basically a community of people that took me in. I feel like I have lost my identity my roots and all my confidence. I just can't shake it. It has been a nightmare the abuse I have received.

 

[Daystavro]

I mentioned it a few times before.
I am male 26.
I have no financial future - I don't want to live in poverty my whole life.
I have no social future - I have social anxiety and I hate talking and interacting with people.
They look at me with unpleasant eyes and judge me laugh at me and make me feel bad.
And as a result of my social anxiety I never had a gf and never will.
I also hate living in my country.
It's a small and depressing place and I do not want to spend decades to come in here.
I have painful memories of the past that I wish to forget forever.
I just don't enjoy life in general.
And I hate human society in general and don't want to be a part of it anymore.
It's a cruel and unpleasant and immoral society based only on competition and money.

I seek the relief and escape of ctb.
No more bad memories, thoughts, feelingsn or emotions.
Not having to talk or interact with anyone ever again.
No one will be able to hurt me and look at me and judge me and laugh at me and make me feel bad.
I will have no more financial worries.
No more feelings of lonelyness and wanting a gf, which at this point I don't even want anymore.

 

[Lastchance]

I mentioned it a few times before.
I am male 26.
I have no financial future - I don't want to live in poverty my whole life.
I have no social future - I have social anxiety and I hate talking and interacting with people.
They look at me with unpleasant eyes and judge me laugh at me and make me feel bad.
And as a result of my social anxiety I never had a gf and never will.
I also hate living in my country.
It's a small and depressing place and I do not want to spend decades to come in here.
I have painful memories of the past that I wish to forget forever.
I just don't enjoy life in general.
And I hate human society in general and don't want to be a part of it anymore.
It's a cruel and unpleasant and immoral society based only on competition and money.

I seek the relief and escape of ctb.
No more bad memories, thoughts, feelingsn or emotions.
Not having to talk or interact with anyone ever again.
No one will be able to hurt me and look at me and judge me and laugh at me and make me feel bad.
I will have no more financial worries.
No more feelings of lonelyness and wanting a gf, which at this point I don't even want anymore.

I can definitely relate to the social anxiety problem it can be crippling Have you ever tried anything for it? I have tried medication but the side effects impacted me too much.

 

[Daystavro]

I can definitely relate to the social anxiety problem it can be crippling Have you ever tried anything for it? I have tried medication but the side effects impacted me too much.

It is very crippling man.
It has crippled my whole life.
And as I mentioned it's one of the reasons I want to ctb, because I hate talking and interacting with people.
I have also took medications but I found they don't help me.

How old are you by the way?

I am 26 as I mentioned.

 

[Lastchance]

It is very crippling man.
It has crippled my whole life.
And as I mentioned it's one of the reasons I want to ctb, because I hate talking and interacting with people.
I have also took medications but I found they don't help me.

How old are you by the way?

I am 26 as I mentioned.

Yeah man for me it's like I'm stuck with really wanting to socialise but at the same time not being able to due to the anxiety. Makes relationships very difficult and the loneliness can be unbearable. I'm 28

 

[Daystavro]

Yeah man for me it's like I'm stuck with really wanting to socialise but at the same time not being able to due to the anxiety. Makes relationships very difficult and the loneliness can be unbearable. I'm 28

I used to be like that in the beginning.
Wanting to socialise.
But to be honest man, I hate people so much now I don't even want that anymore.
I was always kind and nice to people but they have always been evil and unkind me and laughed at me and harassed and bullied me.

At least you have a gf man,.
I have nothing.
But to be honest I don't even want a gf anymore.
She will probably only make me feel bad anyway and judge me and laugh at me.

The only thing I want man is to be at peace.
No more bad thoughts, feelings, emotions.
And being in a state where NO ONE can laugh at me or make me feel bad.
And that is only achieved via ctb which I am planning on doing in a few months.

 

[Snee]

i had social anxiety as a side effect of my porn addiction.i cant make eye contact.some times i cant speak.

 

[cap]

I have had severe anxiety disorder. It has been 9 years now -I am 21. I was studying psychology at the best college of the country, I was having the best time there. Then my anxiety came back and ruined everything. Now I am studying at a shitty college, living with my parents. My anxiety has been the worst, now with depression. Every day is only suffering for me. I tried meds, theraphy and TMS. Nothing helps. I have come to the conclusion that my situation is treatment-resistant. Only thing I can do now is catching the bus. I will go with full suspension hanging. Havent decided the date yet, I am a coward about it.

 

[Lastchance]

I used to be like that in the beginning.
Wanting to socialise.
But to be honest man, I hate people so much now I don't even want that anymore.
I was always kind and nice to people but they have always been evil and unkind me and laughed at me and harassed and bullied me.

At least you have a gf man,.
I have nothing.
But to be honest I don't even want a gf anymore.
She will probably only make me feel bad anyway and judge me and laugh at me.

The only thing I want man is to be at peace.
No more bad thoughts, feelings, emotions.
And being in a state where NO ONE can laugh at me or make me feel bad.
And that is only achieved via ctb which I am planning on doing in a few months.

I don't have a girlfriend I fucked that up by sleeping with her sister. Self inflicted I know. Some guys would probably be cheering over that. But when it rips a family apart it's devastating. Yeah I understand, Being kind hearted can lead to getting hurt a lot, bullied laughed at. When your sensitive or at the empathetic end of the spectrum it leaves open to being taken advantage of etc. it's fucked right. You seem like a nice guy.

 

[Lastchance]

I have had severe anxiety disorder. It has been 9 years now -I am 21. I was studying psychology at the best college of the country, I was having the best time there. Then my anxiety came back and ruined everything. Now I am studying at a shitty college, living with my parents. My anxiety has been the worst, now with depression. Every day is only suffering for me. I tried meds, theraphy and TMS. Nothing helps. I have come to the conclusion that my situation is treatment-resistant. Only thing I can do now is catching the bus. I will go with full suspension hanging. Havent decided the date yet, I am a coward about it.

Yeah anxiety is extremely crippling I have suffered it most of my life. Have you tried exercise? Great way to get a release of endorphins, it can be hard to get going but could be worth a shot.Getting in touch with nature also could help. Just some suggestions

 

[Lastchance]

i had social anxiety as a side effect of my porn addiction.i cant make eye contact.some times i cant speak.

Is the eye contact thing stemming from like shame? I've had that before when I was suffering social anxiety not being able to look people in the eye

 

[Lastchance]

Both parents dead at car accident when i was 4,then bullying for the whole school life and totally unable to do anything as an adult.

That's heavy man

 

[longingforrelease]

OK, I can be verbose, but this got long even by my standards. I understand if it's far more than you were asking for. But here you go:

I'm still new here, but I've discussed on other threads what brought me here. But since it seems to help me write about it - it's given me some clarity about the host of feelings and emotions that drive my suicidal ideation -- I'll share it again here, perhaps adding a few new details. The basic issue is that I suffer from powerful feelings of shame, remorse, loss, isolation and failure. These feelings and emotions are the result of having basically thrown away what was a very satisfying life. More than satisfying, it was a life that was a periods filled with joy. I was always a popular young person (high school class favorite in the book having been class president three times, etc.). I was friends with all kinds of groups in highschool, the potheads ( I smoked), the nerds (I was smart), jocks (not sure why, was never athletic), etc. So my early years were fairly happy (though i was never as happy as people might have assumed given my popularity. I always suffered a feeling of inferiority and loneliness.

Enter first big issue: Drugs and alcohol helped enormously with the feelings of inferiority and loneliness. So I quickly began to abuse them and was clearly alcoholic by the end of high school. Went to college and did real well the first year and the promptly failed out when I discovered cocaine. SO I joined the army and was successful there -- though alcohol caused me a few problems there. After army went back to college - including winning a prestigious fellowship to study in France for a year. Went on to graduate school and was a star. Until my drinking reared it's head again so I didn't end of finishing my Ph.D. until I joined AA.

AA worked really well for me and in my view rewarded my sobriety with a life far greater than I could have imagined. Got a great university teaching job that I really succeeded at, married my old college sweetheart, had a beautiful and amazingly loving daughter. My professional success continued, I travelled the world, worked for a period in a high level way for the UN in Africa. I had it all. Love in my life. A spirituality from AA that was important to me and ed to me actually care about others, to give back to society (especially newcomers to AA). I had a lot of friends, respect of my community, and felt like I was making a modest but important (to me at least) contribution to making the world a better place.

Then I after about 15 years of sobriety I began taking prescription amphetamines to manage an apparent case of ADD. At first it was great and I became even more productive at work. But eventually the euphoria of Ritalin became more important than my improved concentration. I very quickly began to abuse it, taking more and more (my doctor was easy to convince I had things under control since he knew I had "beaten" alcohol). Here's where it get's shitty. Without really being aware of it, all these amphetamines was driving me into massive mania (I'm bipolar). My mania was heavily characterized by hypersexuality (not an uncommon manifestation of bipolar mania). The backstory is unimportant but on a trip to Switzerland I found myself (truly unintentionally) in the red light district. After several propositions (and in a way totally contrary to my well publicize humanitarian values) I finally relented and had a wild. mind-blowing sexual experience (which involved the use of some cocaine). Shortly after I made a trip to Canada where I sought out an escort. Again pretty mind blowing but this time we stayed in contact and began what I know now was a two year fake "relationship" in which I started sending her money regularly, sexting extensively and in my deranged mind falling in love. When things started to sour I started seeing escorts in my own community. I also had a growing online presence in the cheating/online sex community I must have made contact with someone that knew my wife because she got an email explaining that I was online looking for ways to cheat on her. Within the span of say a year after she received that email I had lost my marriage (she found online horribly explicit descriptions of my sexual behavior online), my job at the university (I had started taking meth and my dealer sent an email to my VP and as result they seized my computer and found all the details of my meth buying as well as my explicit communications with escorts). I was shortly later arrested for meth possession (the day before I was scheduled to enter a treatment facility). The local papers covered my arrest. All was lost. My family (the ex understandably got full custody) was gone, my career was in shambles, my reputation was in tatters, my income was cut but a huge degree (the only job I could find was selling cars and I sucked at it). I was faced with foreclosure so I was forced to find another teaching job in another country 10,000 miles away. I now still make a fraction of what I did, can't pay student loans or a big IRS debt. I'm lost. I'm alone. I can feel my daughter pulling away (she's harder and harder to connect with on skype). And my daughter is the only thing that kept me from killing myself as things spiraled downward.

My life is now one of terrible loneliness. I am filled with overwhelming shame for my atrocious behavior that must have devastated my wife. I shamed my daughter with the public coverage of my arrest. I lost the respect of many (many friends don't know about my sexual misbehaviors so they forgive me for my drug addiction). I just can't seem to be able to handle the weight of shame, remorse, regret, sense of incredible loss and the increasing fear that I'm losing the love of my daughter. I lost half of my retirement account in the divorce and spent the other half to live on for a year. I now have nothing for retirement and being 53 years old now and earning as little as I do I I can't expect to avoid an old age of poverty and isolation

So in sum, I had a life that was wonderful beyond measure. And in the span of two years I engaged in such terrible behavior that I lost it all. And I am now increasingly of the mind that the only release from these unbearable pains is the release of death.

 

[Lastchance]

OK, I can be verbose, but this got long even by my standards. I understand if it's far more than you were asking for. But here you go:

I'm still new here, but I've discussed on other threads what brought me here. But since it seems to help me write about it - it's given me some clarity about the host of feelings and emotions that drive my suicidal ideation -- I'll share it again here, perhaps adding a few new details. The basic issue is that I suffer from powerful feelings of shame, remorse, loss, isolation and failure. These feelings and emotions are the result of having basically thrown away what was a very satisfying life. More than satisfying, it was a life that was a periods filled with joy. I was always a popular young person (high school class favorite in the book having been class president three times, etc.). I was friends with all kinds of groups in highschool, the potheads ( I smoked), the nerds (I was smart), jocks (not sure why, was never athletic), etc. So my early years were fairly happy (though i was never as happy as people might have assumed given my popularity. I always suffered a feeling of inferiority and loneliness.

Enter first big issue: Drugs and alcohol helped enormously with the feelings of inferiority and loneliness. So I quickly began to abuse them and was clearly alcoholic by the end of high school. Went to college and did real well the first year and the promptly failed out when I discovered cocaine. SO I joined the army and was successful there -- though alcohol caused me a few problems there. After army went back to college - including winning a prestigious fellowship to study in France for a year. Went on to graduate school and was a star. Until my drinking reared it's head again so I didn't end of finishing my Ph.D. until I joined AA.

AA worked really well for me and in my view rewarded my sobriety with a life far greater than I could have imagined. Got a great university teaching job that I really succeeded at, married my old college sweetheart, had a beautiful and amazingly loving daughter. My professional success continued, I travelled the world, worked for a period in a high level way for the UN in Africa. I had it all. Love in my life. A spirituality from AA that was important to me and ed to me actually care about others, to give back to society (especially newcomers to AA). I had a lot of friends, respect of my community, and felt like I was making a modest but important (to me at least) contribution to making the world a better place.

Then I after about 15 years of sobriety I began taking prescription amphetamines to manage an apparent case of ADD. At first it was great and I became even more productive at work. But eventually the euphoria of Ritalin became more important than my improved concentration. I very quickly began to abuse it, taking more and more (my doctor was easy to convince I had things under control since he knew I had "beaten" alcohol). Here's where it get's shitty. Without really being aware of it, all these amphetamines was driving me into massive mania (I'm bipolar). My mania was heavily characterized by hypersexuality (not an uncommon manifestation of bipolar mania). The backstory is unimportant but on a trip to Switzerland I found myself (truly unintentionally) in the red light district. After several propositions (and in a way totally contrary to my well publicize humanitarian values) I finally relented and had a wild. mind-blowing sexual experience (which involved the use of some cocaine). Shortly after I made a trip to Canada where I sought out an escort. Again pretty mind blowing but this time we stayed in contact and began what I know now was a two year fake "relationship" in which I started sending her money regularly, sexting extensively and in my deranged mind falling in love. When things started to sour I started seeing escorts in my own community. I also had a growing online presence in the cheating/online sex community I must have made contact with someone that knew my wife because she got an email explaining that I was online looking for ways to cheat on her. Within the span of say a year after she received that email I had lost my marriage (she found online horribly explicit descriptions of my sexual behavior online), my job at the university (I had started taking meth and my dealer sent an email to my VP and as result they seized my computer and found all the details of my meth buying as well as my explicit communications with escorts). I was shortly later arrested for meth possession (the day before I was scheduled to enter a treatment facility). The local papers covered my arrest. All was lost. My family (the ex understandably got full custody) was gone, my career was in shambles, my reputation was in tatters, my income was cut but a huge degree (the only job I could find was selling cars and I sucked at it). I was faced with foreclosure so I was forced to find another teaching job in another country 10,000 miles away. I now still make a fraction of what I did, can't pay student loans or a big IRS debt. I'm lost. I'm alone. I can feel my daughter pulling away (she's harder and harder to connect with on skype). And my daughter is the only thing that kept me from killing myself as things spiraled downward.

My life is now one of terrible loneliness. I am filled with overwhelming shame for my atrocious behavior that must have devastated my wife. I shamed my daughter with the public coverage of my arrest. I lost the respect of many (many friends don't know about my sexual misbehaviors so they forgive me for my drug addiction). I just can't seem to be able to handle the weight of shame, remorse, regret, sense of incredible loss and the increasing fear that I'm losing the love of my daughter. I lost half of my retirement account in the divorce and spent the other half to live on for a year. I now have nothing for retirement and being 53 years old now and earning as little as I do I I can't expect to avoid an old age of poverty and isolation

So in sum, I had a life that was wonderful beyond measure. And in the span of two years I engaged in such terrible behavior that I lost it all. And I am now increasingly of the mind that the only release from these unbearable pains is the release of death.

That was a good read. I think a lot of people who were highly successful are more likely to want to commit suicide as they know what it was like having it all. I can relate to the self sabotage in a sense. You have suffered a lot of loss.

 

[Daystavro]

I don't have a girlfriend I fucked that up by sleeping with her sister. Self inflicted I know. Some guys would probably be cheering over that. But when it rips a family apart it's devastating. Yeah I understand, Being kind hearted can lead to getting hurt a lot, bullied laughed at. When your sensitive or at the empathetic end of the spectrum it leaves open to being taken advantage of etc. it's fucked right. You seem like a nice guy.

You see the problem is that 99.99% of people are evil and unkind and immoral, unpleasant so when they see someone who is kind, and moral and gentle as me they immediately abuse me, laugh at me, bully me.

That's one of the reasons I want to ctb man.
Is that I am sick and tired of living in this world which is filled with evil, unkind, unpleasant, inmoral savages.

 

[longingforrelease]

That was a good read. I think a lot of people who were highly successful are more likely to want to commit suicide as they know what it was like having it all. I can relate to the self sabotage in a sense. You have suffered a lot of loss.

thnanks Lastchance. And I'm glad something I said was relatable. Hope it helped. Best to you.

 

[Snee]

Is the eye contact thing stemming from like shame? I've had that before when I was suffering social anxiety not being able to look people in the eye

yes shame and i feel like i did somthing wrong and i'm afraid that they will notice it from my eyes.

 

[TAW122]

I decided to record my story, because typing it out is long and tiresome.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0TetZ0s8Cyf

Wow, you've been through a lot, and I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood growing up. While mine isn't nearly as bad (subjectively speaking), I've dealt with other different problems, mostly Aspergers, social anxiety, general anxiety, and being bullied growing up. My home life is similar to yours, especially when I was growing up, my father would heavily punish me for minor infractions (like not doing well enough at school, small misbehaviors, or just making small mistakes). Groundings and spankings are very commonplace. In present day, I still fail at a lot of aspects in life, including finding a job to make a living, getting my own place (apartment/house), becoming financially independent, and having a healthy social life. The people around me IRL now are quite religious so I can somewhat relate a bit to the "cult-like" mentality that they harbor and the whole pushing of God, Hell, fear, and stuff, the worst of all, pro-life spiel along with servings of guilt-trips.

I will share mine. I was highly successful and extremely driven. I sacrificed a lot to reach a point in life. Things derailed when the sister in law of the girl I was seeing on and off tried to sleep with me. I rejected her numerous times but she slowly dig her claws in and wore me down over time. I was not entirely innocent myself however one night I had a moment of weakness and we ended up sleeping together. This lead to her ending her marriage with her husband (basically my brother in law) and friend. It was an awful thing to get caught up in how everything unfolded. They are both un aware however the guilt and shame has destroyed me. Plus the sister in law is a sociopath/psychopath and basically admitted to purposely destroying what I had with the girl I was seeing and used me as a pawn to fuck them both over, a parting gift. I want to expose her for what she has done but at the same time this would expose me and I would be in a world of trouble (not smart to sleep with a pro fighters wife). I have lost a lot of people who I was very close to basically a community of people that took me in. I feel like I have lost my identity my roots and all my confidence. I just can't shake it. It has been a nightmare the abuse I have received.

Ouch that is really awful to be put in a situation like that. I'm sorry that all of this has been eating you up and I hope you find peace in whatever you choose in the future.

I used to be like that in the beginning.
Wanting to socialise.
But to be honest man, I hate people so much now I don't even want that anymore.
I was always kind and nice to people but they have always been evil and unkind me and laughed at me and harassed and bullied me.

At least you have a gf man,.
I have nothing.
But to be honest I don't even want a gf anymore.
She will probably only make me feel bad anyway and judge me and laugh at me.

The only thing I want man is to be at peace.
No more bad thoughts, feelings, emotions.
And being in a state where NO ONE can laugh at me or make me feel bad.
And that is only achieved via ctb which I am planning on doing in a few months.

I'm in a similar situation too, my social, financial, and personal life are fucked. Things aren't likely to get better (certainly not well enough to make it worthwhile for me to stay in this world). Then the world itself is fucked up with all the societal crap, political crap, moral and ethical crap, and finally, philosophical/intellectual and logical conflicts within me that plague me day to day with no end.

 

[TAW122]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-does-your-typical-day-look-like.4662/page-2#post-105784

I think mine will come up if I linked right. And that is after battling poverty my whole life, 3 separate mental issues, and another Dr f-up of him damaging my eyes for a year. I fixed all those only for this to come on the tail-end, so after a sold decade of this medical and mental health crap, I am burned out.

What about you?

Edit to say: and I have been raped and killed before, but that was many years ago, and I had an abusive family and still do. Actually, it's 12 years of the above crap this April. My life is like the plot line of a TV show, where episode after episode, it gets worse, season after season, it gets worse; then just when it finally gets better.....
it gets even worse than all the years combined.

That is a really rough life and fuck your doctor for making your life worse. I'm sorry that there isn't a good solution and I hope you find peace through death.

----------------------

As for others, I empathize with your plights, we're all in shitty situations and I hope that we are all able to find peace someday.

My story:
I was born into middle class family that immigrated from East Asia. My parents settled in the US over 30 years ago and with them, they brought their parenting habits from their country of origin. As a kid, I was oftenly punished for what seemed to be minor infractions, under constant threat of punishment or consequences if I misbehaved or if I didn't do well. Getting corporeal punishment is a regular as well as verbal abuse and threats of punishment. Some of the things that I was punished for included not getting good grades (at least A or B), getting in trouble at school, or just failing to do something like a chore/making a mistake.

Growing up in school, I was not a popular kid, was often bullied by classmates and others, parents didn't really allow much freedom of choice in what I wanted to do, I've lived a sheltered life and almost every aspect of my life is regulated. In my teenage years, I was diagnosed with Aspergers, which explained why I am socially awkward and couldn't pick up social cues and had a hard time with 'people' IRL. I also had social anxiety, low confidence (due to constant verbal abuse and emotional abuse at home as well as school), and general anxiety. Never really had many friends except for a family friend but even he ghosted me later on.

Fast forward to college. At 18, I've moved out for the first time in my life. Things may have improved slightly with having more freedom, but yet, I found out that I was failing in life. Social skills and the ability to be with people was way more important and determined whether one will have an easy life or a hard life. Academics I didn't do too badly (above average) but am not on the top end (I'm only around top 30-40% maybe). As usual social life is still shit, never had a girlfriend (not that I cared at that point anyways), never really had close friends, just bare acquaintances and people who act like 'friends.'

After graduating, I've essentially become a NEET, meaning I am no longer in education, employment, or training and am a big failure in life. I've just drifted day to day without amounting to much of anything while my peers and acquaintances go on to accomplish great things as well as have families (personally I wouldn't want one either - I'm more of antinatalist here). Financially, I'm at risk of being homeless once my money runs out and I also couldn't just ask for money from my parents nor would I be comfortable living with them given the hell I've been through from childhood to adulthood. I'm currently living with some roommates at someone's house.

In addition to the long term and more immediate problems that I face (social and financial), I've also become awoken to the bullshit of which is life, society, it's morality and ethics and given the state of society as well as what will likely come, I've decided I wanted to check out before things become too unbearable or losing the ability to (reliably) check out. My other problems are my declining ability to pursue my piano playing hobby the way I want to (I assume it's physiological changes as well as worsening anxiety (don't even know why/cause since it wasn't as bad 10 years ago). As someone who highly values playing at a high level (serious amateur musician), this is a crippling blow not only to morale but also to what I've cherished most of my life.

In present day, I'm in the process of procuring my method a.k.a. obtaining a firearm which I do not too long from now (just waiting for the right time and moment as well as mustering my courage to walk into the gun store and buy one), as well as enjoying some small peaceful occasions, then when things really go to shit, I'll (hopefully) be ready to ctb on a whim.

If there is anything you want to know feel free to ask and I'll answer (provided that it won't put me at risk).

 

[OkTotti]

46 male, good paying job was eliminated in September. No wife or GF, only sex I've gotten the past few years was with prostitutes, often times bareback as I would get super intimate with prostitutes. i would only see GFE girls . My addiction to prostitutes pretty much ruined any healthy or meaningful relationships I would have with a women. I even convinced myself that a prostitute actually loved me and would ask her 'Do you love me?' during our sessions she, of course would say 'Yes, I love you' all the time with the biggest smile...so stupid of me... I'm still disease free other than catching the clap a couple of times and cold sores once a year. Well enough of that..... back to my life with few friends, very rarely would go out on weekends, the only vacations I would go on would be alone and pretend to everyone that i was seeing an old friend in a city that was vacationing with. After my job loss, I went straight back looking for work but this became so disheartening for a middle age man in the tech industry. After a few rejections, it hit me like brick wall .. how my life was so empty and the worst was ahead me.. i would grow up old and alone. Plus this job search is such a drag, i think it's too late to switch careers and I've just given up. I'm tired of this life, and I have no financial future. I've received very few texts and calls from any of my friends. My parents are still alive and I feel sorry that their oldest son would commit suicide. I'm just done with life and exhausted. I don't want to go on another job interview and hear the dreaded 'we're still in the process of interviewing other candidates, and we'll let you know'...Being unemployed sucks, nothing to look forward to. How do retired people do this? I wake up depressed with nothing to do. I have trouble watching TV because I think of the sorry state I'm in. I'm even dreading going back to work and going back to my sorry life. It has to end.. it has to end.

 

[TiredHorse]

Ouch. Damn.

I have no social future - I have social anxiety and I hate talking and interacting with people.

I have no idea if it would be effective for you, but I have severe anxiety, and over this past summer I successfully microdosed with shrooms for about three months. This worked wonders for my anxiety. Borderline miraculous. The biggest problem with it for me is that I build tolerance for any substance ridiculously easily --antibiotics, painkillers, you name it-- and at the end of three months microdosing was no longer effective despite gradually increasing doseages.

Add to that a series of increasingly brutal emotional blows over the course of those three months --on the last day of my regimen (literally!) my beloved ex told me she was pregnant by the man she had left me for, but she still loved me, and asked if we could try and patch things up (while keeping the other man in her life, because he was the bio father, after all)-- and the shrooms eventually failed.

But even accounting for such setbacks, the effects of microdosing on my anxiety were amazing.

 

[zzz919]

 

[zzz919]

There are not any words in the English language that adequately describe the around the clock Hell that I feel ...... I am alone ...... My family abandoned me many years ago ...... I have worked my ass off ...... Yet I have no money ...... I have been poor my entire adult life ...... The only method that America has for measuring the worth of a human being is how much money you have ...... I have no money ...... So ...... My life has no value ...... I wish someone would have explained to me when I was young that you must make a large amount of money ...... If you wish to be treated like a human in the United States ...... I hate this country ...... I enjoy watching news stories about how America is destroying itself ...... I wish there was a way that I could hasten the destruction of America ...... I want to die ...... I cannot love and be loved in return ...... Because I do not have money ...... Burn in Hell ...... America ...... Burn in Hell.

 

[VincentValentine]

I used to be like that in the beginning.
Wanting to socialise.
But to be honest man, I hate people so much now I don't even want that anymore.
I was always kind and nice to people but they have always been evil and unkind me and laughed at me and harassed and bullied me.

At least you have a gf man,.
I have nothing.
She will probably only make me feel bad anyway and judge me and laugh at me.

The only thing I want man is to be at peace.
No more bad thoughts, feelings, emotions.
And being in a state where NO ONE can laugh at me or make me feel bad.
And that is only achieved via ctb which I am planning on doing in a few months.

This sounds like me.

Lately I've done the polar opposite of what I used to. I used to be really social. Always going out and talking to people. But now I pretty much keep to myself. Certainly not because I want to, but because I know that there's a really good chance that the relationship with the other person is going to end badly and that most people are full of shit. Better to be alone and have some peace of mind than to be around others who'll just put you down and drive you nuts.

 

[Daystavro]

This sounds like me.

Lately I've done the polar opposite of what I used to. I used to be really social. Always going out and talking to people. But now I pretty much keep to myself. Certainly not because I want to, but because I know that there's a really good chance that the relationship with the other person is going to end badly and that most people are full of shit. Better to be alone and have some peace of mind than to be around others who'll just put you down and drive you nuts.

Not just put you down, from my experience they will laugh at you, look at you unkindly abd make you feel bad, ridicule you, and harass and bully you.

People are evil, that's why I stick to myself.
If everyone was as kind, non judgemental, nice, polite, considerate, patient as me I would talk to them and try to interact with them.
But they are not of course.

 

[longingforrelease]

46 male, good paying job was eliminated in September. No wife or GF, only sex I've gotten the past few years was with prostitutes, often times bareback as I would get super intimate with prostitutes. i would only see GFE girls . My addiction to prostitutes pretty much ruined any healthy or meaningful relationships I would have with a women. I even convinced myself that a prostitute actually loved me and would ask her 'Do you love me?' during our sessions she, of course would say 'Yes, I love you' all the time with the biggest smile...so stupid of me... I'm still disease free other than catching the clap a couple of times and cold sores once a year. Well enough of that..... back to my life with few friends, very rarely would go out on weekends, the only vacations I would go on would be alone and pretend to everyone that i was seeing an old friend in a city that was vacationing with. After my job loss, I went straight back looking for work but this became so disheartening for a middle age man in the tech industry. After a few rejections, it hit me like brick wall .. how my life was so empty and the worst was ahead me.. i would grow up old and alone. Plus this job search is such a drag, i think it's too late to switch careers and I've just given up. I'm tired of this life, and I have no financial future. I've received very few texts and calls from any of my friends. My parents are still alive and I feel sorry that their oldest son would commit suicide. I'm just done with life and exhausted. I don't want to go on another job interview and hear the dreaded 'we're still in the process of interviewing other candidates, and we'll let you know'...Being unemployed sucks, nothing to look forward to. How do retired people do this? I wake up depressed with nothing to do. I have trouble watching TV because I think of the sorry state I'm in. I'm even dreading going back to work and going back to my sorry life. It has to end.. it has to end.

I went through a similar addiction to prostitutes when I was in an extended manic phase. It ruined my life. My wife found out about it by finding an explicit description of one of my encounters with an escort on the internet. Imagine her pain to discover something like that. The shame and remorse for that and other things is what brings me here. I also lost my job because of that and drugs and was in the same boat: trying to find a job in my field at age 50. I ended up having to come to Thailand to for a position in my field. I'm alone, isolated, and left with nothing my feelings of shame, remorse and a never ending sense of loss for all that I threw away. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Angel2018]

I'm 18 now and I first wanted to ctb when I was 10. My father is an alcoholic, who was always beating the crap outta me. When I annoyed him, he used to lock me in the basement or the bathroom where I had to stay the whole night. My mother didn't do anything to help me. Sometimes she was beating me as well, yelling at me and told me that I'm a failure that doesn't deserve to live. And I believed her. I developed an eating disorder with 11(I'm still suffering from anorexia) and I started smoking and drinking with 14. Tried multiple times to ctb but as you can see, I'm too stupid to even kill myself.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I decided to record my story, because typing it out is long and tiresome.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0TetZ0s8Cyf

I haven't a chance to listen But i do love this idea.