Story Share your story

[LupuZ8]

Growing up I was pretty normal. I was smart and had lots of friends. But I also moved alot. The first time I moved I was able to make new friends and fit in and all my classmates liked me. When I moved the next time I found it harder to make friends and was considered quiet. But eventually I found a group of friends and girls liked me and I felt happy. And then I moved again and developed depression and anxiety. I wasn't able to make friends aside from 1 or 2 people. I was consumed with the idea that I was a loser, that nobody liked me, that if try to talk to someone they will be annoyed. I thought that if I stuck to myself people might like me more since I wasn't annoying. Even though I felt like a loser other people thought I was just arrogant and mean.

When I went to college I wanted to change. I tried talking to people and making friends. It kind of worked but I couldn't overcome my anxiety. If someone wanted to hang out I would get so anxious that I would just say no. I just can't be around people anymore. I isolated myself too much and for too long and I am fundamentally broken. I am extremely lonely and sad but the feelings of anxiety I get when I'm around people is even worse. Eventually I realized there was no hope for me being normal and just gave up on life. I ended up dropping out of college and I'm just waiting to find the strength to kill myself.

I find it hard to talking to people. I start thinking all these things they could think of me so I never said anything. Its pretty lonely. I really feel sorry you had to experience that. What did you study at college if i may ask?

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here

I truly wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you deserve!!

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here

I truly wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you deserve!!

can i message you the vlog details please

Yes you can :)

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here

I truly wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you deserve!!

can i message you the vlog details please

Yes you can :)

19F, stuck under the weight of expectations and being prevented from leading my own life. The life path that I was put on was absolutely miserable. And for the longest time, I wasn't able to get out of it. I didn't believe I had control of it or any of the bad things that were happening to me because I was taught to just listen to what people tell me to do and I let people determine everything that I did. Got into a top 5 university, but was still miserable and ready to die.

Met someone here and we were really similar. Was going to be their suicide partner. They convinced me to live instead, but they still died. One of their dreams before things got bad was to create a working drug for depression. I think I'm going to carry out his dream, but for the disorder that he had. Now I have a reason to live, if just in honor of him. I'm going to change my college major and pursue drug development.

Wow thats a heartbraking but Empowering story. I wish you all the luck in the world. You found a goal again in life. Hold onto it and never let anyone talk you out of it!!

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here

I truly wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you deserve!!

can i message you the vlog details please

Yes you can :)

19F, stuck under the weight of expectations and being prevented from leading my own life. The life path that I was put on was absolutely miserable. And for the longest time, I wasn't able to get out of it. I didn't believe I had control of it or any of the bad things that were happening to me because I was taught to just listen to what people tell me to do and I let people determine everything that I did. Got into a top 5 university, but was still miserable and ready to die.

Met someone here and we were really similar. Was going to be their suicide partner. They convinced me to live instead, but they still died. One of their dreams before things got bad was to create a working drug for depression. I think I'm going to carry out his dream, but for the disorder that he had. Now I have a reason to live, if just in honor of him. I'm going to change my college major and pursue drug development.

Wow thats a heartbraking but Empowering story. I wish you all the luck in the world. You found a goal again in life. Hold onto it and never let anyone talk you out of it!!

buoy let me pm the detail if u want it

How are you doing..i'm finding it hard to stick to plans

At the moment its a bit better. But not good enough to give me the energy I need to keep living. But I also dont have the strength yet to end it all...

 

[buoy]

I am 24, Canadian, High Functioning Autism (Speficially Aspberger syndrome), Starting having Mental Health Issues at 15, Gotten extremely worse 3 years ago. I feel like I was forced into this world to be a slave of the workforce. Low pay, Still lives with parents who are abusive of my privacy and opinion, looking for a better job but still in the same field of work. I can easily get a living wage from this sector but I feel like my employer is taking advantage of me because of my Autistic traits. I am paid $40,000/Year as salary... I can easily get closer to a salary of $75,000/year. If I can get +/- $5k of that $75k I will be taking that job and moving out. That's the best case scenario. The worse case and the most likely scenario is that I don't find a job that is willing to pay me that money & I will have to stay with my parents for financial stability which leaves a very uncertain road ahead. For those who are wondering... I work in the furniture finishing industry so I did take post-secondary classes for me to be working in the field.

I'm sorry for the way people take advantage of you. I'm rooting for you friend and hope peace come with independence.

 

[LupuZ8]

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here

I truly wish you the best. I hope you find the peace you deserve!!

can i message you the vlog details please

Yes you can :)

19F, stuck under the weight of expectations and being prevented from leading my own life. The life path that I was put on was absolutely miserable. And for the longest time, I wasn't able to get out of it. I didn't believe I had control of it or any of the bad things that were happening to me because I was taught to just listen to what people tell me to do and I let people determine everything that I did. Got into a top 5 university, but was still miserable and ready to die.

Met someone here and we were really similar. Was going to be their suicide partner. They convinced me to live instead, but they still died. One of their dreams before things got bad was to create a working drug for depression. I think I'm going to carry out his dream, but for the disorder that he had. Now I have a reason to live, if just in honor of him. I'm going to change my college major and pursue drug development.

Wow thats a heartbraking but Empowering story. I wish you all the luck in the world. You found a goal again in life. Hold onto it and never let anyone talk you out of it!!

buoy let me pm the detail if u want it

How are you doing..i'm finding it hard to stick to plans

At the moment its a bit better. But not good enough to give me the energy I need to keep living. But I also dont have the strength yet to end it all...

My dad adored my oldest sister, when the second child was about 3 her started to bully her until I was 3. We are all 2 years apart so the second child only was bullied for 2 years. He bullied me until I was 16. He would guilt trip us gaslight us and idk if he did this to the second child but, when I was mad and went to my room to cool down. He would barge in grab my arm real hard and throw me on the couch and told me, "when you're done being mad you can go to your room." My arm was always red when he let go. He never let us have the TV even when he was also on the computer playing his game. He was always passed out drunk. We moved from the country to the city when I was 12 and that sparked my depression. I decided to tell my mom but my sisters where being annoying that morning so I yelled at them and slammed the sliding glass door. I didn't see my dad jump up (he was already passed out drunk at 10 am) and walk to the door. He threw it open and grabbed my arm real hard and threw me inside. If the brick steps were there i might not have tripped but I did and I went on the floor while he yelled at me. I never told my mom. I started to feel unloved by everyone there, they were ignoring me bc I was sensitive. I got told by my dad when I was 16, "to be in our family you have to have thick skin." By 16 it knew that no one really liked to talk to me so I never talked to them. But at 13 I started to develop some strong urges to do harm to my family and was later diagnosed with psychosis. The second child started to learn about mental health later in life so now we are on good terms but no one else.

Wow im Sorry you had to go through that. No parent should treat there child like that. Im glad you're on good terms with the second child. Psychosis is a pretty scary thing. How did you feel when you got the diagnosis?

I am 24, Canadian, High Functioning Autism (Speficially Aspberger syndrome), Starting having Mental Health Issues at 15, Gotten extremely worse 3 years ago. I feel like I was forced into this world to be a slave of the workforce. Low pay, Still lives with parents who are abusive of my privacy and opinion, looking for a better job but still in the same field of work. I can easily get a living wage from this sector but I feel like my employer is taking advantage of me because of my Autistic traits. I am paid $40,000/Year as salary... I can easily get closer to a salary of $75,000/year. If I can get +/- $5k of that $75k I will be taking that job and moving out. That's the best case scenario. The worse case and the most likely scenario is that I don't find a job that is willing to pay me that money & I will have to stay with my parents for financial stability which leaves a very uncertain road ahead. For those who are wondering... I work in the furniture finishing industry so I did take post-secondary classes for me to be working in the field.

I hope the first scenario works out for you. I will send mentally support your way and hope you get a better paying job. The bes of luck my friend!!

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here and no blame can be attached to anyone here i need to stop my demons screams

Sounds like you made up your plan. I hope its not to painful cause i dont want you to suffer in your last moments. Please be careful. I understand this is what you have to do and I hope those last Moments will not be to bad.

 

[Some place nice]

Wow im Sorry you had to go through that. No parent should treat there child like that. Im glad you're on good terms with the second child. Psychosis is a pretty scary thing. How did you feel when you got the diagnosis?

When I heard her say that it shocked me at first. I thought it was gonna be the same thing of you're crazy but, I thought about it and it kinda felt right.

 

[vuberpoot1]

I just keep losing people. I've stopped talking about my feelings, because everyone cares about themselves more than others. While I'm stuck here caring about others problems rather than my own.

This puts into words perfectly how I feel as well. I think that I give a lot of my energy to others, but no one ever pays it back to me. Makes me feel like a drain, useless and just generally unworthy. The pain of that feeling can be so overwhelming, and I've found myself struggling with self-hatred a lot too. It's a lonely lot for people like me, or people like us.
Before, I would just try to get past it all by putting one foot in front of the other, you know? It's just that now, I feel like I'm sinking with no way to move forward. Getting broken up with, getting rejected, failing. It's all just piling on, and at this point it just feels deserved. Like I did something to earn that feeling, despite trying my hardest to be good.

 

[buoy]

I am 18 years of age and I have struggled with anxiety, suicide and depression since i was 12, my parents weren't really supportive people. Everytime I got bullied the school and my parents never done anything and that's when I started to sh it wasn't a fun time. Fast forward to when I was 14 the sh got worse I did go to school for a whole year I was seeing therapists but what was happening at home I never spoke about, my family use to incrouge me to "do it" and eventually I just had enough tried hanging myself until I woke up in the hospital.

I'm so sorry you were dumped into a shit situation because of shit caregivers. People can be really fuckin self obsessed.

Rooting for you

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I am 18 years of age and I have struggled with anxiety, suicide and depression since i was 12, my parents weren't really supportive people. Everytime I got bullied the school and my parents never done anything and that's when I started to sh it wasn't a fun time. Fast forward to when I was 14 the sh got worse I did go to school for a whole year I was seeing therapists but what was happening at home I never spoke about, my family use to incrouge me to "do it" and eventually I just had enough tried hanging myself until I woke up in the hospital.

your story saddens me you are so young, being let down by family is always bad as family should be safes space. what ever way your future goes i wish you strength.we all understand on here

 

[misthios2040]

I was born in a third-world country. My birth parents died, and I was an orphan for 5 years. I then moved to the United States because some idiot wanted to adopt me. Now, I'm here at the age of 30 depressed, molested, objectified, and degraded. Yet, people around me still have the audacity to tell me that I should enjoy life. I've felt unwell for years. Neglected and often abandon by my own adopted parents. Been in college for ten fucking years with no diploma. I think that's all you need to know about how smart I am. That's my story.

 

[PixelPlant]

I tried therapy but it felt so fake because these people do not know what it is like to suffer and they just create a fake fantasy for you while making money of your struggles.

exactly. i never believed in therapy, they're all bullshit

 

[Vesiira]

This puts into words perfectly how I feel as well. I think that I give a lot of my energy to others, but no one ever pays it back to me. Makes me feel like a drain, useless and just generally unworthy. The pain of that feeling can be so overwhelming, and I've found myself struggling with self-hatred a lot too. It's a lonely lot for people like me, or people like us.
Before, I would just try to get past it all by putting one foot in front of the other, you know? It's just that now, I feel like I'm sinking with no way to move forward. Getting broken up with, getting rejected, failing. It's all just piling on, and at this point it just feels deserved. Like I did something to earn that feeling, despite trying my hardest to be good.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this. I couldn't relate more. It is so very lonely. All we want is to feel better and to be loved, but when so much shit happens over and over we begin to wonder if we are even worthy of it anymore. We shouldn't have to feel like we HAVE to be "worthy" of it. Sending love. <3

 

[Foxykaavn]

exactly. i never believed in therapy, they're all bullshit

Therapy just made me more willing to leave this place

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Around the time when my dad divorced my mom, it's been downhill. That was when I was 5 years old, I have recollections of saying I hate myself as young as around 8 years old. There was just some very strong bleak outlook about life as soon as my dad left partially left the family. He still visited me every other weekend, but life just really wasnt the same anymore. It only got worse. Around the time when I was 9 my mom married a guy much younger than her, we moved to a shithole degenerate town with a lake and she didn't work at all, only slept all day. She only ever woke up to bitch me out or my sibling and beat the shit out of me with a belt any time she could find an excuse for it. I tried running away multiple times, there was so many times I just tried to find an escape. The worst part is I was led to believe this was normal discipline for children but it was really bad abuse which led to a lifelong result of PTSD.

When I started dating, girls they would always take advantage of me and break my heart and just do the malicious shit women do nowadays, I was actually in love more than once and the relationships where I was in love always ended up doing the worse damage to my psyche. Basically I had very bad experiences with women, they're the cause for most of this. The kind of psychological pain ive felt in this life in unreal. It's resulted in addiction, self-harm, suicide attempts and even an eating disorder a few times.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Hi, nice to meet y'all. I'll start by saying I'm 30 years old but I don't really look 30, more like 20. I'm from Vietnam.

I am transgender mtf which is a big part of my depression and suicidal attempts. My first suicide attempt was during highschool, I don't remember how old I was. I had just gotten out of a relationship and during that time I felt very sad. Maybe I was depressed or maybe it was because I was transgender I don't know. I overdosed on a bottle of Benadryl. My attempt didn't work because my family and highschool friends intervened and called the cops on me. I was transported to the hospital but not before having a seizure during the way. Woke up in the hospital after being unconscious for however long feeling sad and depressed. I'm pretty sure if my family didn't intervene I would've been successful in my attempt. I'm very tiny and weight only like 90 lbs probably less back then. So it wouldn't have taken a whole lot for me to OD.

Fast forward to 2022, which is where my second attempt happened. I've been depressed my entire life and gotten tired of the fighting. It was taken a huge toll on me and I was just in so much pain that I wanted it all to end. I met my partner through a mutual friend online. Well, my partner was depressed at that time too. For a while I tried my best to keep my partner hopeful and everything, but eventually I failed and my partner told me they were suicidal. I guess not being able to give my partner hope to stay alive got to me too.

Well, my partner had owned a rifle and was going to end it that way. Since I wanted out and had no instant painless free way but they did I flew to where they lived and we met up and planned our escape. We wrote our goodbye letters and left during the night to drive to a secluded lake. We had planned this out for a couple months and thought of everything. Distance from the hospital to us etc. long story short at the last second as we were going to shoot ourselves I couldn't find the strength to say "I'm ready". My partner was but I wasn't. So we decided not to go through with it.

So, now we get to where we are now. It's been a year since my 2nd suicide attempt and I regret not going through with it. Every day I wake up I regret it. I was so close to being free and being at peace. I'm still just as suicidal and depressed as I was a year ago when I had my 2nd attempt.
So, yeah I've already came up with a plan and have already written all my goodbye letters. All that's left is to get the stuff to do it with. I plan on CTB sometimes end of March. If not definitely sometimes this year.

So yeah that's my story. By the way, I just want to say ever since I found this forum I've felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I'm glad I'm in this community, it's like a big family in a way.

 

[Unattainable666]

My story is long because I'm old. I'm 62 years old female I live in the US (New Mexico). I'm writing this now because I will be ctb soon. I appreciate someone taking the time to set up this post I think its important. It's very early here and dark - somewhat like my life very dark. I was born into a family where the mother didnt want me - she wanted an abortion. My parents were catholic so my father talked her out of the abortion by telling her I would be a boy. Well I'll bet she was surprised when I popped out. She was a narcissist. For 17 years she I heard nothing but how worthless I was, how stupid, fat, ugly and no one would ever want me or love me. So by the time I was forced to leave the house it was ingrained in me that I was all those things. I tried to ctb when I was 15. First attempt. Ive attempted numerous times after that. the first guy I married I knew for 7 days and had been drunk the entire time but he told me he loved me - I would show her that she was wrong. I had a little girl who I adored. She was murdered in 1989 by her step-father and friends. No one was charged no one cared. Since that time my life has been a shit show. working for people who emotionally abused me, my mental health in the past two years (without medication or therapy) has gone downhill drastically. I am now at the point where too many things have happened in my quest to leave this horrible place. Now I've hit a wall and can't move, I'm without a job, a place to live or anyone to help me. So, in my quest to live I will die. Thanks for listening

 

[buoy]

Around the time when my dad divorced my mom, it's been downhill. That was when I was 5 years old, I have recollections of saying I hate myself as young as around 8 years old. There was just some very strong bleak outlook about life as soon as my dad left partially left the family. He still visited me every other weekend, but life just really wasnt the same anymore. It only got worse. Around the time when I was 9 my mom married a guy much younger than her, we moved to a shithole degenerate town with a lake and she didn't work at all, only slept all day. She only ever woke up to bitch me out or my sibling and beat the shit out of me with a belt any time she could find an excuse for it. I tried running away multiple times, there was so many times I just tried to find an escape. The worst part is I was led to believe this was normal discipline for children but it was really bad abuse which led to a lifelong result of PTSD.

When I started dating, girls they would always take advantage of me and break my heart and just do the malicious shit women do nowadays, I was actually in love more than once and the relationships where I was in love always ended up doing the worse damage to my psyche. Basically I had very bad experiences with women, they're the cause for most of this. The kind of psychological pain ive felt in this life in unreal. It's resulted in addiction, self-harm, suicide attempts and even an eating disorder a few times.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you know what your issues are and the root causes. I hope you can find solutions in life and that these find a way to become strengths in you.

I feel for you. I have love for you. I am rooting for you.
I wish I had more to say of value but you didn't come here for someone to pontificate while ignoring you. Love sent your way homie.

 

[stuckinthemud]

Serotonin syndrome and Akathisia to an ssri in 2016. Diagnosed severe PTSD from the ordeal 2016.
2017 psych diagnosed depression.
2019 doing much better 70% recovered but still had DP/DR and some cognitive issues.
2022-Covid-all hell breaks loose. Symptoms come back (akathisia)
Start to heal very slowly but find myself in an abusive relationship.
Symptoms come back May 2023.
Diagnosed BPD ?
Now have severe anhedonia, heavy DP/DR, PSSD. Cognitive issues. Zero quality of life.
I could get approved for Pegasus or Dignitas but cannot afford it.
I loved life before this drug damaged my mind and stripped me of being human.

 

[UKscotty]

I know no one has time for more than a paragraph so I will skip a lot.

Early 40s, British guy, good job, car and finances. Solid friend and family network. Reasonable health and hit the gym most days. Good upbringing and school. Been fed up of fighting all the time to maintain recovery for the past 20 years or so. Energy for the fight is about gone. Suicidal since about 14.

 

[annointed_towers]

In Christianity there is such a thing called the unforgivable sin. In the Bible, Jesus says this is to blaspheme the Holy Spirit, and it is a sin that will not be forgiven in this life or the life to come. That means the punishment is not just hell, but a punishment received in this life too. I got angry at God one day and yelled a bunch of curses into the sky. I said "fuck you, Father, Son and Holy Spirit" among other things. God cursed me with the feeling of worms all over my body. I look like a normal person but on the inside I feel worms crawling around in my head, infesting my entire body. For a long time I thought these were real worms, like a parasitic infection. But doctors never found anything. I asked God to help me understand what was happening and why. I opened up the Bible to a random page and it was the page that discussed the unforgivable sin.

So, I am cursed with the feeling of worms all over my body and will go to hell when I die. All because I got angry at God one day and lost control of what I was saying.

The doctors of course don't believe me and say I have schizophrenia.

 

[divinemistress36]

36F. Dealt with major depression all my life from genetics I guess. At age 29 I had a stroke from an assault and left disabled from severe chronic pain and ptsd then at 33 I was so depressed they did electroshock therapy which gave me a lot of memory loss. Now I'm stuck with bad depression ptsd horrible memory loss and cognitive issues having to rely on my parents for help. I wish for death everyday