I'm sitting here and I keep writing something, erasing it, rewriting it. I should know about the messed up stuff in my life, right? Why I have such a strong desire to take the noose I carry in my backpack everywhere I go and hang myself off the nearest object, or jump from the nearest building. All of my reasons feel dull and boring in comparison to others.
- I might lose my apartment
- my car might break down and I can't afford to fix it
- My money is slowly dwindling because my new job won't give me enough hours.
- I have a life threatening eating disorder.
- I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and my mood swings are constant and extreme
- my mood depends on my ex who is my only friend in this city and she both hates me and loves me
- she tells me how her friends will hurt me and damage my car if they see me and she's holding them back
- All of my friends are just as poor and suffering as I am.
- My mother is a controlling women who won't leave me alone
- I think I'm trans but I have too much stuff going on to acknowledge something
- I've been dissociating for like 8 years now, none of this is real, I'm not real.
I can't stop thinking of his face, and what happened after that concert and the next morning. And I was always taught that those sorts of things don't happen to men (I'm amab). And I didn't even know what PTSD was until a couple months ago.
I don't have a college degree, but would consider myself good at programming/math, unfortunately I have no chance of ever working in either of those fields until I get a degree.
All of these might sound like a lot to some or inconsequential to others. All I know is that I am living life by default right now. I'm doing it because everyone else is doing it. I don't have any sort of reason to continue. Of course I want to escape pain and suffering of life. But more then anything I don't fully understand the point. Every person who has ever loved me has left. And that includes the people who said they wouldn't leave. They ALWAYS do.
I mentioned it above, in terms of methods; hanging, jumping. slit my wrists, gunshot to the head (I obviously am not allowed to own a gun, but there's a local range I've been to), illegal substances. I'm taking some psych meds that don't mix so well with large amounts of alcohol.
Also I want to apologize if I've used any words or terms incorrectly. I'm new here and new to a lot of the lingo/slang being used.