Story Share your story in the comments on why you want to die and what method you will choose!

[fallintotheshadows]

Hello all I am making this semi selfish request to ask you to share the suffering that you have with me. Of course this is optional if you don't want to tell a complete stranger your life story that's fine. Just know I will not reply to any of them but I will acknowledge and remember them for as long as I live and to show that I will put a like on the stories I have read. I almost killed myself by jumping and I just wanted to know what everyone is going through and what is making them want to die and what method they would want to use so that I can have more knowledge. I just got done reading a book I had translated from Japanese to English and it was called, "A Complete Guide to Suicide" which that books tells a bunch of cases of either successful or unsuccessful suicides as well as the story for each case as to why they wanted to die and then the way they died as well as how to do it yourself too. I would love to have some sort of documentation here of everyone story who wants to at least leave this here with us! Thank you for reading and hope to see your post be as long or short as you want with it give all the details or only a little detail whatever you want!

 

[Artemisia]

I'm in constant pain, my dreams for the future have died. Being self suficient, capable of taking care of myself was always the most important thing to me, I can barely do that now and it'll only get worse. This is not living, it's just dying slowly.

If I had a gun, I'd use it, but sadly that's very hard to get in my country. So I chose CO a long time ago. Slowly I've been learning about it and now I've settled on the GULPS method, which uses sulphuric and formic acids to produce pure CO. Knowing I won't have to deal with kgs of coal is a huge relief!

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

My number 1 reason is a self-diagnosed biotin-dependent fermentopathy, an orphan (very rare) genetic metabolic disease of the brain, for which I blame the fact that my father worked as an air defence officer before my conception (and there are scientific studies linking the offspring of air defence officers with much increased rate of genetic mutations). As you've probably already guessed, that's why I have this profile picture.

My number 2 reason is a tinnitus and a partial hearing loss for which I partially blame my mother because she forced me to wake up in the morning and go with her to sea when I wanted to sleep, and yelled at me (that was at my 8 years at our vacation). So I made deep dives out of resentment (I don't like to be yelled at, especially when I had not enough sleep), pretending that I was drown, so I got otitis in a left ear and a slight hearing loss (at first I noticed it only as a sligh disbalance in headphones). About 20 years later, tinnitus developed in this ear, and disbalance become worse. Without that I could probably live with fermentopathy for some time more, as it seems that recently I managed to find a regimen that makes it bearable (still not sure that living with such a disease would worth it), but I am sure that the disease does constantly progress, so hardly I would want to live long anyway.
And partially I blame for that incident my fragile health due to the mentioned fermentopathy in a premorbid period, or due to other negative mutations.

Me method is electrocution through the heart.

 

[maneose]

I wouldn't say I have any specific reason, it's sorta a combination of everything that happened throughout my life. I've written countless of notes trying to explain why I did it but it just came down to me just writing down my life story. To keep it short and simple, I think I've just never had any control of my life ever since I was born. My mom has always been overprotective and that lead me to losing out on friendships and a lot of childhood experiences I wanted to have like birthday parties and sleepovers. I understand why my mom is so protective, not only because of the dangers of the world but also because she wants to keep me as her baby. It's become more overbearing for me since I've recongized how absolutely useless I am because I depend on her for everything. I can't drive, I can't do laundry, I can't food, I can't get a job, all I have is school and the transition from highschool to college makes this even more unbearable since I don't have an excuse for any of it. My mom had pressured me junior year to apply for colleges and it made my college application total hell. I was crying for months and stressing about scholarships and tuition, only to be accepted by an art school that I couldn't afford even with everything I done and declined the acceptance. I sorta shut down during senior year, I had been working on my AP art which took almost all my time and slowly realizing I was in an abusive relationship that only kept getting worse. I forced myself to graduate and ended up in the 100% acceptance rate university of my state and living at home. I never really realized until now how much I fucked myself over, because for so long I had been craving and wanting to finally get to college to be able to learn and grow for myself. Force myself to do things I wasn't allowed or scared to do, but I fumbled it all and I'm just left here lol.

I've always had low self esteem since I was young and again probably attributed to my mom as well. Elementary school through early middle school she would hound me about my grades and the sessions of her trying to help me with work only ended up in me in tears and getting yelled at. Along with that, in 5th grade I was forced to me in addition math classes, where they would pull out all the students who needed help and we did the walk of shame to another class (full of our other classmates who weren't involved in the extra support) and it felt so embarrassing because it felt like everyone knew we were stupid or something and was watching us. Talking with my friend they realized I was in special-ed but I'm still not too sure about that. I think a lot of this shame ended up in me never trying to learn anything anymore, which didn't affect me all that bad until now. I realized I couldn't do basic multiplication and addition like everyone else in senior year and my first math college class. The thing is I can do extremely complicated math but it takes so long for me to figure out the material by the time I get it others are already on the next two topics. In middle school I would have breakdowns because of how much I struggled with my work, luckily the school system is pretty flexible as long as you do your works, so I was able to graduate my essential years with alright grades. I can't tell if my struggle in school had just been me being stupid or if I happen to be neurodivergent. It embarrasses me to even consider that for me, because so many people I know had obvious signs as kids and been diagnosed. It feels like I'm just trying to fit in with people I like to be more like them. I have already been tested for autism when I was young due to being nonverbal but they just said I didn't have enough social interaction. And while I didn't think I'm autistic, many things I do line up with adhd or autism symptoms, just not enough. So it feels like I don't even have a reason onto why I feel so stupid all the time.

I have always been emotional so when I hurt other people's feelings it sticks with me for years. Probably since the first time I hurt someone's feelings I was forced to apologize, bawling in front of my entire class to the person I hurt, which in retrospect probably made me have tons of conflicted feelings about myself. It wasn't anything big, it was just a situation where I had ended up in the wrong group of kids (as bad as you can think for a group of 5th grade girls) and the group wanted to kick one girl out, honestly don't know why I liked them all but I stayed with the big group because safety in numbers I guess? It was a huge thing in my class because pretty sure the other girls had been bullying the girl but I wasn't aware of half of the drama in the group but still was punished. My mom took this really hard and she was bullied terribly throughout her school years and she was the one who forced me to apologize in front of the class and it was just a lot. The girl that was getting bullied eventually became my friend again and we continue hanging out throughout middle school. There were many instances where I could swear her and my other friends were bullying me, by taking my lunch and things and having me run after them to get it back. It's a relatively new memory (I have really bad memory trying remember all this stuff) but I would always feel overwhelm and at the brink of tears but laugh it off because everyone else thought it was funny, and even if it was too much I felt like I had deserved it. I don't have any hard feelings towards my friends about it, they were kids and probably just didn't realize I didn't like it as much as they did. The other instance that permanently changed my way of thinking about myself was pretty recent, I only barely started talking online a few months ago because I had been deathly afraid of others and the fear of being kidnapped or something (thank my mom for that) I made a joke about user that I thought wouldn't see it, and they took it really badly and even though I took it as light hearted joking. I don't know how people get in arguments with others online because my heart felt to the pit of my stomach realizing I hurt someone's feelings and I still feel so much shame regarding that and even after I apologized to them I feel so bad and wish I just kept my mouth shut.

This is already very long, but I think this'll be the last paragraph. The switch that made me sad occasionally to endless depression and suicidal thoughts came when I got molested in 6th grade. It shocked me badly because for so long my mom warned me about adults, teachers, the outside, everything imaginable. The safest place I felt was home and school, and with my luck it was at school with a classmate. There wasn't any police involvement and I was forced to go to school with him for the next two years, I felt scared everyday and would literally be so close to him in the halls I could smell him. It didn't help that some of my friends were friends with him and I had to cut off people because they just didn't want to stop talking with him. There's so many stories attributed to that part of my life but at the being of 7th grade I tried to commit because of all the stress due to it. I was gonna stab myself in the stomach but got too scared and just cried on the couch all night. Luckily, I got better when I when to a different highschool than him. Unluckily, that would be where I would meet my abusive ex. The first two years were alright, most likely cause I can't remember any of it, but it ramped up the last 3 years. It was very mentally and emotionally abusive, when I would break up with them they would end up suicidal the next day and I would have persuade them into not doing it. This cycle of being their therapist in life threatening situations never stopped, even when I had enough and did no contact. A few months after they texted me after they OD'ed to come back to them and that they wouldn't hurt me anymore. I finally got out of the "they'll get better" mindset and told them I didn't want to talk to them again. It was always physically abusive, which I didn't realize until recently because it was always through biting and only one instance of them hitting me. They also technically SA'ed me but it's just a lot so I don't really think much on it or care about it sometimes, it's weird. It's still all really fresh for me and kinda destroyed any sense of self. I have so other issues too, I lost my sense of smell due to covid two years ago, and since then food had been slowly been less appetizing and there had been days where I just haven't eaten. Anosmia and arfid (self-diagnosed) just ruined the one part of being alive that I used to love.

I don't plan to commit soon, but I got like a "plan B" if I do end up doing it. I'm thinking of doing partial hanging, it's the easiest option I have access to. However in the future, and if I live long enough, dying by gun is on my list. I tried last summer to jump off the bridge that's under the highway near me but I just couldn't do it. If nothing else kills me my lack of self preservation skills might just do it. I've gotten myself in so many situations where if people were just a little more terrible I would've been kidnapped or worse, which is ultimately my dream way to die since I don't have to do all the heavy work but one can dream. Sorry this was so long (and filled with such grammatical errors) it was fun doing this!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I was born, then I was all like, "well, this life thing isn't working out for me", and here I am. There are somethings I want to do before I ctb, so it'll probably be a while before I get to do that. I'll probably just OD on fentanyl or something.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

I feel I was born with a broken brain and no soul. I don't even identify as human at this point. I never really did. Suffering from strange kinds of abuse from emotional and sexual at a very young age. I used to have a personality. I used to be the leader type. People used to listen to me, but I don't know what happened. Suddenly I just got very stupid and I couldn't interact with people anymore. IDK how I managed to go to school for as long as I did (dropped out when I was 15, never made it to high school) when I'm so socially awkward. An ex-gf of mine said I even walk like I'm "unsure" of myself.

I think where I really fucked up was the fact I never had normal relationships. My first bf was right before I dropped out and it was a new experience and it felt weird to have a stranger say they "love me" when I wasn't sure I knew what that meant. What does love feel like? After a while I told him not to say it anymore. That's where I ruined any chance of having a normal life. Socially, you can't just say that to someone but I didn't want to say words back that I wasn't sure I meant or understood. Because of how I was raised, I see very skewed perceptions of what "love" is.

Becoming so isolated from the word and possibly getting too into true crime at a young age caused paralysing agoraphobia. I can't leave the house on my own, I'll die. Someone will kill me. Logically speaking, being murdered is the only way I'll actually die if I can't CTB. I don't know how people live day to day and leave their houses and walk around alone like they don't care that any second that walk could be their very last. I can't live like that. I can't live at all. I have insane ass ex-friends that stalk me everywhere and want to ruin my life. They'll never know when I finally die. They might even have a party about it if they knew. Too many people want me to die anyway. I can't live a normal life. I can't work, I can't drive, I can't do anything because it all requires knowing anything about the world and I don't know shit. I've been infantilised all my life and nobody ever taught me how to live.

I've hurt too many people because of my mentally ill brain. Because I'm not human and never was. It was foolish to think I could exist around others at all. They will be safer and happy with me gone. No longer a burden on anyone's lives. Nobody needs me. I can't be the warmth in anyone's life. I'm the toxic sludge they try to ignore as they go about their daily, normal lives. I can't live with the sins I've accrued. I've apologised to the people that allowed me to. Some people would rather stay wishing I was dead and suffering. That's okay. Nobody hates me more than I hate my repulsive, sickening, disgusting, vile self.

I live my life playing in a box. I'm unaware I'm in a box. To me, it's just a room. People will say "think outside the box!", okay. How can I think "outside" the box when I wasn't aware I was ever "inside" of one? No one ever told me there was an outside, so I never questioned it because nobody told me an "outside" existed at all. I can't know anything unless I'm told about it.

My options are OD (on a combo I know is deadly), partial hanging (there's nowhere in my house were I can do full suspension). I don't know. Shooting myself would be quicker but I'm not allowed near any of the guns because they know exactly what I'd plan with them. I feel like I'll never successfully CTB and I'll be stuck here living in torment from existing. Looking at my own hands as I type makes me sick. I don't want to see physical traces of my body. I don't want to see my own words read back to me. I don't want to be aware of any of this. Nobody should know me and I don't wanna know myself. I don't wanna use personal pronouns because it "validates" that I "Exist", which is sickening and infuriating.

If I can get over my extreme fear of leaving the house, I'll just make it to the train tracks and let the freight train take me. That's been my most fantasised way to go. The driver shouldn't feel traumatised because what he hit wasn't human at all to begin with.

 

[DepressedDude]

I was brain damaged by antipsychotics, it drained all my energy and I had no desire to do anything except lay down for about 4 months.

I tried to start doing stuff again but had no interest in anything and still don't, so I'm bored to death all the time.

So much time spent doing absolutely nothing and just thinking caused me to realize how bad the world actually is and that life's not worth it.

 

[SilverTiger]

What is my story?

• Autism: Despire having a a degree, a masters and soon to be a doctorate in Computer Science, I will be part of the 85% of autistic people who are long-term unemployed, this only leads to homlessness, it also means that people don't like me very much even if I like them.
• Abuse: My older brother saw fit to beat me as a child, and I still hurt from that, my mother played favourites and even to this day she is playing favourites, older brother got away with child abuse. The funny thing is, I rely on them for housing, I see my abusers eveyday.
• Uncertainty: I am 26 now, bar a few years of Uni (Thank you Covid lockdowns for stealing time) there has never been a 'good' point in my life, childhood was pain and bullying and the death of my dad, teenage years was negligence and bullying, and now adult years is going through my doctroate knowing I still won't be employed or safe in my housing. I grew up in poverty, abused, autistic and watching my dad die from smoking he was worned about before I was born...

How I plan to do it?

• Produce some videos explaining why I did what I did.
• Upload them to YouTube.
• Rent a hotel room, leave a note on the bathroom door.
• Send notes to partner and friends.
• Ice, knife, wrists.
• Fade into blackness thinking of the people I love.

 

[divinemistress36]

Brain injury. TR depression, ptsd. Probably go with SN if I can get the balls

 

[pocket7]

I have schizoaffective disorder and because of that I'm forced to use strong medicine which has destroyed my ability to think and enjoy anything. Worst part is that it's unknown how long should I use this medicine. I feel like 80 year old grampa. I don't have strength to do anything. I hope I will have strength to ctb when I obtain SN.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I wish to permanently cease existing as having the ability to exist is something that's completely undesirable in every way possible, for me existence itself is the problem with ceasing to exist being the solution to this.

For me suicide is rational to escape from meaningless suffering in an existence I never wished for in the first place, all that I find comfort in is death, the thought of being trapped in this hellish reality where there is no limit as to how much I can suffer for decades longer just to be tortured and tormented dying in agony from old age really does terrify me.

In my case I just don't want to suffer in any way, rather I just wish for the peace of non-existence. Human existence to me is the most futile and torturous burden and I find it beyond tragic how humans procreate even know nobody can be harmed by never existing, only never existing is perfection, I only see non-existence as ideal as it's the permanent absence of all suffering and harm.

I find it so hellish and unacceptable how I cannot just have the option to easily die in peace, I really wish I had access to an instant suicide pill or guaranteed painless poison, I wish for a peaceful death like never waking again.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I'm stuck in my crappy, underdeveloped body that doesn't fucking work properly and is rapidly going downhill. Plus I'm an autistic moron who deserves to die for sucking so bad at life. Also, my family makes me sick.

 

[fallintotheshadows]

Thank you for all your stories so far. I have read all of them up to this point and hit a like on all of them

 

[007Bob]

I was brain damaged by antipsychotics, it drained all my energy and I had no desire to do anything except lay down for about 4 months.

I tried to start doing stuff again but had no interest in anything and still don't, so I'm bored to death all the time.

So much time spent doing absolutely nothing and just thinking caused me to realize how bad the world actually is and that life's not worth it.

I was also brain damaged by antipsychotics (Neuroleptics), it drained all my energy and I had no desire to do anything except lay down for about 4 months.

I tried to start doing stuff again but had no interest in anything and still don't, so I'm bored to death all the time.

So much time spent doing absolutely nothing and just thinking caused me to realize how bad the world actually is and that life's not worth it.
I was brain damaged by antipsychotics (Neurolpetics). My eyes were also severity damaged by neuroleptics as well as my guts and my hormonal system (I became sterile due to antipsychotics). I am brain damaged: I have no sense of orientation in the streets, I have forgotten 1/3 of all past events and I have poor short term memory. I used to be a very happy and a very positive person. Now I just lie in bed all day doing nothing because there is nothing I can do. Satanic psychiatrists pretend that I suffer from depression while in fact I have brain damage from their "treatment". My advise to you: keep as far as possible from psychiatry because psychiatrists perform their satanic art in total judicial impunity. When I complained that antipsychotics damaged my eyes, the psychiatrist responded that it was not true and that it's just aging. No it's not true. Psychiatrists are a bunch of liers and criminals. There is no justice in this world. I am a victim of psychiatry. Do you know why I got locked up in a psychiatric hospital? Because I was denouncing psychiatric drugs as toxic and lethal to healthcare authorities. I got poisoned by the very same drugs that I was denouncing to health authorities in the first place. If you don't believe me, here is an article I wrote back in 2020 for the Journal of Clinical Psychology on the Dangers of Benzodiazepines. You know what? I am CTB now and my method is DDMP and it requires 1g of Diazepam: I conclude by saying that benzodiazepines have indeed a place in the medical protocols, namely in MAiD (Medical Aid in Dying) protocols. I have a lot of anger because psychiatry is a scam of intelligence and that I am a victim of these very same hospital psychiatrists that I was denouncing to health authorities and to the Police. And now I am going to commit suicide because psychiatrists and their beloved antipsychotics have ruined my brain, my body and my life. I swear one thing: hospital psychiatrists and your beloved psychotics, you will burn in hell. Thank you to the SS community for letting me vent that out.

 

[Unknown21]

I was born in a third world country with a poor and backward family.
I was violated in every possible way. I was also born with some mental illnesses, such as autism.

 

[avalonisburning]

It was death by a thousand cuts. Individually, or in groups of tens or even hundreds, my experiences seem inane to feel hurt over after all this time. I didn't have a horrifically abusive upbringing. In fact, if I described it to a more disingenuous person, they would say that it sounded great, and I'm just being childish, sensitive, and petty.

I opened up to a psychiatrist about it recently, and she diagnosed me with Prolonged Grief Disorder, or as I interpreted it, "Bitch still ain't over it" Disorder, which just reaffirmed to me that nobody will understand and it's not worth talking about. Disaster family stories are a dime a dozen now, anyway.

Now I feel like it's too late to accomplish the few things I really wanted out of life, and all I'm left with are consolation prizes and participation trophies. I'm expected to spend the rest of my life doing work that I hate, to maintain a life that I'm not happy with and probably never will be, to spare the feelings of people I don't care that much about, and some have unfortunately played a part in why I want to die, while surrounded by better, prettier people gratifying themselves. And I can only watch and imagine how it must feel. Raw deal in my opinion.

I'm not sharing my exit strategy or when it will happen, partly because when is still undecided. I don't expect anybody I know to find this account, but it's still just good OPSEC to keep that information to myself.

 

[BlooUntoMew]

I'm unable to form meaningful relationships with people. My family moved a lot growing up and I never was able to maintain any of my early friendships. Then I found out I liked men and then that I might be transgender. I tried really hard to be the leave-it-to-beaver style mans man, but I was really just a pathetic loser and even though my life has gotten better since transitioning, I still want to die because I was a shitty person with my false bravado and I'm disgusted with myself. Like it literally took castrating yourself to realize how your words and actions impact others? Seriously how damn dense can you be? And now I feel the universe pushing me towards ending it because people who shouldn't be aware I exist have seemed to acknowledge my existence and it feels like rumors have been spread about me because my shitty actions were interpreted as deliberate and like I have complete disregard for how I affect others when I unintentionally put my foot in my mouth only to realize after that no, you shouldn't have fucking said that because xyz.

I can't seem to pull myself out of this behavioral pattern. I just want to engage in hedonism and be left alone to rot, but I guess living that way makes me a scourge on society and it's probably the most ethical decision for me to end it instead of prolonging the inevitable. Maybe if I kept living as a man and stayed oblivious to things around me then I'd live to see old age, but I couldn't keep lying to myself and it seems that even that was not that great of a buttress from the urge to self destruct.

I hope nobody talks about my death and that I get swept under the rug as another pathetic life ended to benefit society.

I'm going to shoot myself in the head with a 9mm.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

Reasons: no friends, never kissed or had a relationship at 29, uneducated, unemployable, inept at everything I try, extreme social anxiety, depression, complete erectile dysfunction.

Method: gunshot to the head.

 

[ImTelling]

I wanna start out by saying I'm not the victim in this. I know a lot of people here were abused and neglected and mistreated and I don't want to take away from their stories with my whine fest.

I'm autistic and got diagnosed with BPD two years ago. I used to be a happy little autismo running around yelling nonsense phrases, drawing cartoons, making MS Paint animations, being a happy kid. I very rarely acted up from what my parent told me.

Then when I went to secondary school and growing up joining online communities and hopping on Discord when it first launched I started to get really perverted and mean. Massive trolling sessions, getting into more degenerate porn, drawing edgy stuff (school got involved after looking through my drawing book), sending nudes, talking to older guys online when I was a teenager. It was really bad. Plus I was gaining weight rapidly, ditching school to comfort eat (I was caught by a teacher doing that once).

The only light in this whole fiasco was when I started to make music. Unfortunately I fucked it all up by putting my edgy bullshit into my "brand" resulting in a lot of canceled shows and a residency on a local radio show.

Then when I became an adult I kinda just leeched off of welfare while drinking excessively. My relationship with my mother had been ruined after her mother passed away and she basically stayed in bed for years. This also happened around COVID so everyone was really depressed and irritated. I found myself being really mean to my mother which still makes me feel disgusted to this day. That was when I had my first serious attempt with helium.

After that failed and I went to a psychward for a week I got out only to find out I've been kicked out of my house and I'm living with my other parent and his cunt wife. I lived with her, getting my first job and paying rent until she kicked me out because she wanted to sell her house. I was still drinking and eating excessively during this time. Eventually I didn't have the money to secure anywhere else to live and I was officially homeless.

I lived in a hostel for about a year switching from room to room as my revolving roster of roommates ranged from some of the nicest, most understanding people I've ever met to people who wanted to seriously hurt me. Thankfully I managed not to piss off anyone there and left to go to a better homeless accommodation that I'm currently living now. Life has recently taken a nose dive after I drank on the job, getting fired the day after. I'm still employed by my job centre but I'll be transferred to a much, much worse job.

What's making me want to ctb is just realizing that 99.9% of everything bad that happened in my life is my fault. No one forced the bottle of booze into my mouth, no one forced the buckets of food into my mouth, no one forced me to look at porn or draw offensive things or send nudes of myself to strangers online. The amount of hurt and shame I've caused others is too much. The only way I'm going to stop myself from hurting people is to kill myself. No one should have to bear the burden that is me.

I bought SN a few days ago and I'll be buying the rest of what I need over the course of this month. I'm planning on doing it late July at the absolute latest. I would like to share my art and music here but I'm afraid of the shame of people finding out I was a part of this forum (there's nothing wrong with being on this forum but you all understand the stigma of being here).

 

[Onelegman]

I recently read that book myself, the complete suicide manual. The truth is that it doesn't give as much information as one might think when reading the title.

At another time I will tell you my story, but you should know something about me, on my first attempt I jumped from the 7th floor and lost my right leg, it was due to falling 24 meters on my feet.

 

[fallintotheshadows]

I recently read that book myself, the complete suicide manual. The truth is that it doesn't give as much information as one might think when reading the title.

At another time I will tell you my story, but you should know something about me, on my first attempt I jumped from the 7th floor and lost my right leg, it was due to falling 24 meters on my feet.

Oh absolutely it I agree the steps to suicide are only correlated to what case study that the writer is talking about. Some are things that would be way too convoluted and painful to even try so the book in itself isn't actually meant for that it's meant to moreso show others suffering and why they justified killing themselves because of their own life's story. Which is actually why I wanted this here is because I want to know everyone's life's story and see what method they would like to choose. Everything that I've seen here is absolutely valid in the reason for wanting to die and I really don't blame anyone and that includes you too. I know I said I wouldn't comment on anyone's but you did read the book and I've never met anyone else who did

 

[Fragile_]

The thing that eats away at me the most is my introverted, anti-social personality combined with porn addiction.
I have been addicted for 7-8 years and I'm only to be 21 soon.

It makes me mad how lightly this addiction is percieved and how sexual content is pushed in every corner of social media, making it very easy for young teens to fall into this addiction too. Wacthing porn is "normal" right? It's just exciting lil fun time, right? Until it turns into hopeless addiction, that takes away from you more than people realize. Another thing I would like to point out is how easy it is to acess almost any kind of porn, all that's needed is a phone or any other device and internet connection. Literally easier than getting cigarettes or literally any drug for that matter and on top of that with no restriction. Yes/No age verification doesn't do shit, it won't prevent kids from accessing these sites.

When it comes to me personally, I just feel my brain fkin rotting away, it's like I can physically feel it degenerating. I feel dirty 24/7 and it doesn't matter how many showers I take, how much I clean my room or how much I try to care of myself, cuz it's the mind that is rotten. Also porn works like any other drug, the more I consumed, the more I needed to reach the same levels of high I felt at the start - fast forward few years, and I don't feel happy from fkin anything, I numbed my brain with porn as I could to the point that when I had my sister cry in front of me cuz of her marriage crumbling after 11 years, I did not feel anything at all even tho all my life I had good relationship with her. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, nothing can stimulate my brain anymore and it just feels so empty.

I wish there was a way to just reset my brain, cuz I doubt I can ever fully heal from this addiciton.
Also no, I have never had a relationship, I don't even know how it feels to kiss or hold hands. Never actually experienced love and I don't think I ever could.

I could write an essay about this but I don't think it's the right time to share more than that.

And as for the method I would like to go for gunshot to the head or ODing. Unfortunately getting my hands on a gun is near impossible in my country and any
life-threatening drugs are out of my reach at the moment, so I guess it's still uncertain.

 

[neverLoved]

My story and reason is honestly a mix of everything.

I was born in to a dysfunctional family, especially my father who was a raging alcoholic. Had to witness daily arguments, physical abuse and death threats from him to my mom. When I wasn't a baby anymore there was a good amount of physical abuse towards me which I can barely remember anymore. My mom was just a victim who was scared, alone and just didn't see any other option besides staying. Until somewhere down the line we ran away for a year, went back and years later left again. I developed a bunch of coping strategies and basically just run away from my issues, which might of worked back then but now that I am an 'adult' I just feel so different compared to others.

My family life was just general hell, although I did get taken care of health wise. My parents got me stuff and just showed their way of 'love'. My mom held my hands pretty much throughout my whole life, and instead of letting me do things on my own she always insisted on doing it herself. It's like they never made me take any risks and I feel like it really made me a clumsy lazy loser now. Have a really hard time taking responsibility.

I moved around from places a lot because of my parents their financial issues. Switched a lot from schools too, and just generally never managed to create any long term friendships. Got bullied too a few instances, pretty much switched from a primary school because my parents saw that I didn't have any friends in this particular school. Besides that I got ignored a lot by my own family, I had a bad tendency as a kid to talk a lot. Just wanted to be listened to, but instead my parents always ignored me and never listened to what I had to say. I feel so out of touch with everyone now, not a single soul in my life who even cared to listen.

Spent years of my life isolating myself playing games instead of experiencing life as the other 'kids'. There were instances where I haven't left my house for 2 years straight. I was literally known as 'ghost boy' in high school because others saw my name and knew I existed but didn't know who I was. Gaming was a way of me ignoring my own family, being alone in my room and even making online friends who I for the first time didn't lose. My online friendships are older than any friendship I have irl.

Never felt any love either, never been in a relationship or even close to being in one. I have literal 0 experience in that department, haven't even kissed a girl. I crave it so much but it's just not happening, just wanna feel loved once but I am way too boring and ugly.

Speaking about ugliness, I hate how I look. I avoid mirrors by all means, just can't stand myself. I recently realized too that there hasn't been a single person 'close' in my life who even complimented me. The last compliment I remember is from 10 years ago where I wrestled with a kid and he told me that I really have a great build to get a great physique. Honestly pathetic how I even remember such a small stupid thing. I am short too, especially for the standards of the country I live in. I have a below average p*nis. I have acne scars after struggling with extreme acne when I was a teen. All of these are just insecurities which stack up on everything else.

Health wise yeah, 2 years ago I got diagnosed with this rare chronic issue which I have been under research for longer than a decade. Took them this long to figure it out. Fortunately enough it's not extremely bad to live with. On medicine for life.

Nothing in this 21 years has been good to me, it's like I lost in everything. I am just living in this lonely state where my brain barely functions. Heavy brainfog, tiredness and just no energy for anything.

My method is SN, and I just gotta get the courage of committing to it. Although I am currently stuck here because I don't want to hurt my mom. Everyday which passes is another day of me getting closer to it.

Edit: Reading this back made my cringe at myself. Like I believe that I am just dramatic. Oh well, might as well leave it.

 

[Mothstired]

I've spent my entire life unloved and alone. My parents always told me I was worthless and I should just kill myself, the rest of my family told me things could always be worse. I idolized being an adult for years thinking it would give me the freedom and ability to be happy. But I was wrong, I'm an adult now and I've spent the entire time alone in my home with ever worsening health. I always thought that if I was loved by someone, anyone I would be happy, but in the end it just made me feel more alone. My life is a never ending cycle of staring at the same 4 walls day after day, stagnating. I've always been isolated and I doubt it'll change. My chronic pain and heart issues are making it harder and harder for me to go out into the world without becoming violently ill, something that will only worsen with time. I've just lost the drive to keep fighting, it's not worth it to hold onto hope that things will be different someday when they never will.

I'll slit my wrist in a warm bath, hopefully sometime within the next two months.

 

[alicia]

My story. I'm in my late-40s, and have been severely depressed and anxious since my mid-teens. There's not even a good reason for it, my brain just isn't kind to me. I am worthless, I want to die, and no amount of evidence ever changes how I feel. I'm tired of fighting against it every day, of forcing myself to get out of bed, do my job, and look after my kids. I despise myself, and I loathe the fact that I'm tied to this world. There's no reason for it it's just how I am.

The kids complicate things. Some years ago I made a pact with myself not to ctb until my kids are able to look after themselves, because I can't make myself abandon them. And as much as I want it all to end I will keep that promise. I am stuck here, forcing myself to live, faking my way through every day, and it will be at least another decade of this before I'm free to choose for myself.

I've never told anyone this plan: if anyone finds out they'll try to stop me, and I don't want their "help". The promise to myself, the hope that suicide will eventually be a real option for me, that is the only thing that keeps me going, and I won't let anyone take that one little thing from me.

So I don't have a method yet. There's not much point in planning that far in advance. But eventually I'll be able to, and I'm looking forward to that day.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I want to be dead because life itself just isn't appealing to me. I see life as just an endless opportunity for me to suffer and slave away, none of which I want to do. Additionally, I never had a desire to do anything in life to begin with yet I'm forced to against my will. What even is the point of me living when I'm always forced to do things against my will? What's the point of living when there isn't anything that I want to do in life to begin with? I don't have a desire to wage slave, I don't enjoy anything, I don't want to look for things that I can enjoy... I want to be in complete inertia and I always have. Death will be my complete inertia.

Death is significantly beautiful and more peaceful compared to life. I guess it could be scary if you aren't able to comprehend permanent non existence but, if you can comprehend non existence permanently, I have to say that it's... beautiful. It's perfection. Perfection isn't impossible to achieve because permanent non existence is perfection. Why would I want to live through life when I only crave complete inertia via death.

Maybe all of this is caused by my autism. Regardless of that, autism has made me learn about the truth about life and, because of that, I have to kill myself.

My method will be drowning because that's the only method that I can access. I might ctb during the second academic year of my university as that's when life gets significantly tougher and more unbearable for me to go through. This is my limit, I truly don't think that I can go further from here. When the time comes, I won't let anybody stop me from killing myself

 

[cordeliagoode25]

I just feel like life is so messy and filled with toil that it's not really worth living. It's not 100% bad, but it feels like it's more bad than good. I feel like a jigsaw piece that is being forced into a slot that doesn't really fit me. I feel like I'm being made to conform to societal norms, like working a stable job, finding a partner, staying fit, having a social life and being an interesting person, when I really just feel like curling up into a ball and getting away from it all by going to sleep forever.

I don't want to worry about upskilling myself to prevent AI from replacing me.
I don't want to worry about making enough money to afford the space I'm renting.
I don't want to worry about dying alone.
I don't want to worry about having to go back to work every Monday once the weekend is over.
I don't want to worry about social dynamics, managing people and saying the right thing at the right time in order to avoid judgement and offense.
I don't want to worry about dealing with heartbreak.
I don't want to worry about dealing with judgement from people who disapprove of me being gay.
I don't want to worry about the worsening state of our planet.
I don't want to worry about not being smart or competent enough.
I don't want to worry about being a waste of space and resources.

I just want to heed the call of the stars, and for death to wash away all the complications of life.

 

[jiaaa_02]

I was brain damaged by antipsychotics, it drained all my energy and I had no desire to do anything except lay down for about 4 months.

I tried to start doing stuff again but had no interest in anything and still don't, so I'm bored to death all the time.

So much time spent doing absolutely nothing and just thinking caused me to realize how bad the world actually is and that life's not worth it.

Minus the first cause, everything mirrors my own experience. I lost all of my attachment to things that I logically think I should 'live for', and if it weren't for the fact that my external circumstances and people around me were lovely people, I probably would have gone 6 years ago. I thought I found a purpose in life, but I realised how shallow it was the moment I lost something important to me recently. I realised that I'm a shell of the person I was before, even though I've grown spiritually and intellectually. The world being as it is now has spiralled me into thoughts that no matter how hard I try to push through, it won't be worth it. I completely understand the feeling of boredom as well, it's metaphysical.

 

[Angeldark666]

Pues mi historia empieza así: cuando tuve la edad entre 7 y 8 años de edad, se me vino siempre pensamientos sobre "porque existimos" "que se siente estar en el cuerpo del otro" "será real las otras personas de mi alrededor o solo un robot" "también pensaron como yo" y pues así, mi mente empezó a procrear esas ideas o pensamientos, a medida que estaba creciendo, la gente siempre me veia mal, o se burlaban de mi,tomaban por burro, poco a poco eso. fue incrementándose y siempre me decia, porque me tratan así, que hay algo malo en mi, pasando los años, llega a la secundaria, donde cometi el error de juntarme con grados superiores al mío, y sufrí fuerte bulling por parte de ellos, segun ellos que me decian , era que hablaba puras "incoherencias" "analizaba las cosas muy erroneamente, muy lejos o diferente a lo que uno podria llegar a concluir de dicha duda o pregunta que me hicieron, entonces asi fue pasando los años, eso creo que me creo un trauma, ya que mi mente también es como la de un niño, y asi me fui dando cuenta que realmente hablaba puras tonteras, hacia o hago preguntas estupidas,, pierdo la relación de lo que digo (cosa que no me daba cuenta cuando era un niño, y si realmente no tengo un lenguaje coherente, porque siento que me olvido lo que dugo segundos antes de terminar una frase, cosa que cuando estoy por terminar lo que quiero decir, no tiene relación), soy muy callado, no tengo ni nunca tuve enamorada, no siento placer en la vida, ni en los estudios, todos me usan, tengo tdah, toc, ansiedad, desconexiones de la realidad, ahora que estoy en el insti, mis compañeros de sula se están empezando a reir de mi (cosa que no tolero) por mi complejo de narcisismo, cosa no me gusta que me molesten, pero si hacerlo, se que este mal pero asi es como mi cuerpo o mi mente se despoja o se siente tranquila. Nadie me da bola , no tengo vida social , y la verdad es que por todas esas razones mencionadas es que quiero poner fin a mi vida.
Well, my story begins like this: when I was between 7 and 8 years old, thoughts always came to me about "why we exist" "what it feels like to be in someone else's body" "is it real the other people around me or just a robot" "they also thought like me" and so, my mind began to procreate those ideas or thoughts, as I was growing up, people always saw me badly, or they made fun of me, they took me for an idiot, little by little that . It increased and I always told myself, because they treated me like that, that there was something wrong with me. As the years went by, I reached high school, where I made the mistake of hanging out with grades higher than mine, and I suffered severe bullying from them, according to What they told me was that I spoke pure "inconsistencies" "I analyzed things very wrongly, very far away or different from what one could conclude from the doubt or question they asked me, so that's how the years went by, I think that I created a trauma for myself, since my mind is also like that of a child, and so I began to realize that I was really talking pure nonsense, I was asking or asking stupid questions, I lost the connection of what I was saying (something I didn't realize). when I was a child, and I really don't have coherent language, because I feel like I forget what I'm thinking seconds before finishing a sentence, which when I'm about to finish what I want to say has no relation), I'm very quiet, I don't I have nor have I ever had a love, I don't feel pleasure in life, nor in studies, everyone uses me, I have ADHD, OCD, anxiety, disconnections from reality, now that I'm in school, my classmates are starting to laugh from me (something I don't tolerate) because of my narcissism complex, something I don't like to be bothered, but if they do, I know it's wrong but that's how my body or my mind clears itself or feels calm. Nobody gives me attention, I don't have a social life, and the truth is that for all those reasons mentioned above, I want to end my life.

 

[thealteredmind]

you can read my first thread (9 months left) where explain exactly the WHY.

but in short...

I have depression. depression is a bunch of symptoms that make no sense and can't be solved individually, they just don't respond. but the core is depression. and it gets worse each year. I dedicated my entire life (I'm 31 years old) to fix it, to improve, to treat it... but nothing works. I never felt better.

then I developed insomnia and this made things 10x worse.

so I went to my last option: psychiatry...

they medicated me and in very short time I had the FANTASTIC LUCK of developing not ONE but TWO irreversible conditions from medications...

first one is PSSD. only one BIG symptom left that never improved (and won't improve) (not sexual though).

second one is protracted benzo withdrawal, with a lot of shitty symptoms that are fucking driving me mad, this is the main reason I WANT TO FUCKING END THIS I WOULD DO IT NOW but I promised myself I would hang on until 2025 (stupid, because nothing will improve) as an opportunity for my brain to show me it can recover (it can't, stupid weak brain I want to destroy it)

not only that but after those conditions there's a lot of stuff I cannot do and eat anymore (no more exercise, no more certain drugs, no more certain OTC medications, no more certain foods)

so... basically a soulless vegetable.

I will hang myself. full hanging. I will enjoy it, finally can punish this fucking brain of mine. Life told me "oh here's a gift from life for you!!" and this is my way of saying to her "FUCK YOU BITCH"