Venting Shame shame shame

[UseItOrLoseIt]

My mother, as much as I want to love her, is a psycho. I'm sorry for bothering you all but I just had an argument with her and I punched myself because she put me in a corner, as usual. I don't know what to do any more. I beg her to stop, but she just keeps digging that hole of shame and guilt and I'm so lost. She calls me cursed, she says I should be ashamed, she corrects everything I say, she says she wishes I was never born. And then when confronted with the morality or psychology of her actions, she completely denies everything.
I'm sorry guys.. It's just...everything. My new SN arrived the other day, and I have meto, ranitide and propranolol, I'm all set but I want to live as much as I want to be at peace. I don't know what holds me clinging so tightly to life. I'm so full of shame for everything that I have done, or that I do. What I say, how I look, how I stand, even this message.
Even now, I can hear her wailing in her room, by herself. Wailing or moaning for attention. I'm afraid to fall asleep, to be woken up by her screams. I'm afraid to put headphones on, and not hear her coming.
All my life I've been surrounded by shame and death wishes, and manipulation and theatrics.
The scariest part is that I clearly see I'm becoming what she wants me to become. When she starts screaming, I start screaming, when she tells me I should be ashamed I tell her I know I'm a piece of shit, when she tells me I should die I punch myself in the face.
How else should I respond when every kind and honest way gets lost under her banshee wailing. It's not possible. I'm not even heard, let alone understood.
Instead, I was conditioned to punish myself every time she implies that I should be. It's like my desperate move to prove that she is right and stop yelling at me. But the more helpless I get, the more agressive she gets. She doesn't want only to be proven right. Mostly, she wants me to be proven wrong.
Anyway, continue with your browsing. I just needed to vent. I never get to vent so it can get pretty pretty pretty pretty heavy.
I'm gonna try to sleep now.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

My mother, as much as I want to love her, is a psycho. I'm sorry for bothering you all but I just had an argument with her and I punched myself because she put me in a corner, as usual. I don't know what to do any more. I beg her to stop, but she just keeps digging that hole of shame and guilt and I'm so lost. She calls me cursed, she says I should be ashamed, she corrects everything I say, she says she wishes I was never born. And then when confronted with the morality or psychology of her actions, she completely denies everything.
I'm sorry guys.. It's just...everything. My new SN arrived the other day, and I have meto, ranitide and propranolol, I'm all set but I want to live as much as I want to be at peace. I don't know what holds me clinging so tightly to life. I'm so full of shame for everything that I have done, or that I do. What I say, how I look, how I stand, even this message.
Even now, I can hear her wailing in her room, by herself. Wailing or moaning for attention. I'm afraid to fall asleep, to be woken up by her screams. I'm afraid to put headphones on, and not hear her coming.
All my life I've been surrounded by shame and death wishes, and manipulation and theatrics.
The scariest part is that I clearly see I'm becoming what she wants me to become. When she starts screaming, I start screaming, when she tells me I should be ashamed I tell her I know I'm a piece of shit, when she tells me I should die I punch myself in the face.
How else should I respond when every kind and honest way gets lost under her banshee wailing. It's not possible. I'm not even heard, let alone understood.
Instead, I was conditioned to punish myself every time she implies that I should be. It's like my desperate move to prove that she is right and stop yelling at me. But the more helpless I get, the more agressive she gets. She doesn't want only to be proven right. Mostly, she wants me to be proven wrong.
Anyway, continue with your browsing. I just needed to vent. I never get to vent so it can get pretty pretty pretty pretty heavy.
I'm gonna try to sleep now.

OMG, what a horrendous existence you have. Can you get out of there? Your mother is so damned toxic, she's killing you!

 

[fred farkle]

she sounds crazy!! youre riding the crazy train,my friend!

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

OMG, what a horrendous existence you have. Can you get out of there? Your mother is so damned toxic, she's killing you!

No, at the moment I can't. Currently I'm in to much debt to be able to afford to pay a rent.
I don't know what I want any more, in all honesty. I get so sad thinking the only memories of my mother would be she was not a mother at all. More than anyhing I would want to make it right. I hope for an honest moment and forgivness. I want to remember her as a friend. Lol naive I know. I know what she does to me, but if she can only find love in her heart we could start to accept each other as we should and maybe save a piece of our identity and humanity.

she sounds crazy!!

Yeah, but so do I at this point.
Edit: At least that is what she tells me

 

[x~Sophia~x]

No, at the moment I can't. Currently I'm in to much debt to be able to afford to pay a rent.
I don't know what I want any more, in all honesty. I get so sad thinking the only memories of my mother would be she was not a mother at all. More than anyhing I would want to make it right. I hope for an honest moment and forgivness. I want to remember her as a friend. Lol naive I know. I know what she does to me, but if she can only find love in her heart we could start to accept each other as we should and maybe save a piece of our identity and humanity.

Yeah, but so do I at this point.
Edit: At least that is what she tells me

Sounds as though she probably has some undiagnosed mental health issues.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Sounds as though she probably has some undiagnosed mental health issues.

I'm sure she does. She also had a shitty life after she got married to my father. Who is still alive btw, but now the tables have turned.
My gŕandma and grandpa, although I didn't know them very well cause they died when I was young, were good to me, but they abused the shit out of her. And my weakling robot father with them. There's a story she always mentions - my father beating her while she was pregnant with my older brother while my grandparents cheered him at thr doorway.
My father was a puppet of my grandparents, and when they died, we all became her puppets. The circle of life.
So it's really a long line of mental illness in my familiy.

Thank you all for the support. Being able just to say all these things calms me down. Much love...