Shall I open up about my suicidality to my only friend in college?

[noname223]

Here I described his last reaction to my fear of becoming ill again. I don't want to go into details but I have somehow managed to stay at college. It is pathetic how few courses I attend but if I did more my brain would get a meltdown.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/if-you-try-hard-enough-you-will-find-a-solution.78049/

The last time he said things like my life experience showed me there is always a solution and other empty platitudes. He is extremely talented, his parents seem to pretty good parents (especially in contrast to my parents who abused me over a decade) and he has a longterm relationship. He probably has a career full of joy and satisfaction to look forward to. He seems to be extremely resilient and extremely smart. He is quite in many points the contrast to me. I am a nervous wreck who cannot even cope with moderate stress. My future is pretty likely poverty and then suicide.

Sometimes we have interesting conversations. I somewhat envy him for his extreme intelligence. Weirdly more than for his future career. And of course his relationship but I never see his gf so I am okay with that. He is kind of a social justice warriors (I don't mean it in a pejorative sense.) He is empathetic when I talk about my illness. Other people would find it pathetic how vulnerable I am. But he seems to be pretty understanding and sometimes worries that the stress is too much for me. Damn if he just was female...however I am sure such a successful woman would never start a relationship with a burden like me. I am pretty sure about that. He is a very helpful person and wants to contribute that this world becomes a better place.

I don't want attention of him. I would probably wait and see if there develops a deeper friendship. Often it seems for me like a busniess friendship (if this makes sense in English). Maybe he just pities me. (I could well imagine that.) I often try to help him with the little means I have. I think I might don't mean much to him. About this point I am not sure. He has connections to so many students he is extremely skilled at socialising. I am quite the opposite.

I tend not to tell him about my suicidality for now. I opened up about a lot. Medication, my diagnosis and time in clinics. I have/had some interesting stories to tell. It is just a principle of me to open up to people I know more intimate. I am not sure how he would react. I think he would worry too much about me. But he even seems to be quite resilient about tragic stories because I have told some stories of wrecks which I met in clinics. The main point against it is that I am not sure what I mean to him. It is likely (I don't want to give details) that we soon follow different paths. Maybe we will soon stop meeting us that often due to different courses. If he asks me to meet privately I will tell him about it.
I think I am quite resilient when it comes to annoying platitudes about suicide. I will vent about it in this forum and then it will be hopefully better. I really doubt he will turn away from me due to that fact. I won't whine about it 24/7. I would be really curious about his stance on assisted suicide. Lol.

I assume many on here will advice me against opening up. I have read a lot of bad stories about it. But I have trust in him.

Edit: I probably also differs what I tell him exactly about my suicidality. I could frame the topic differently. From I tried partial hanging once/ I know suicide is my future or tellling him I have sometimes some suicidal thoughts.

 

[FuneralCry]

I always see it as a bad idea to tell people about wanting to exit this world, I believe that nothing good can come from it, but that is just my opinion after all. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Foresight]

If you're looking for support for choosing life and encouragement then speak with him. If you're looking for anything else then I wouldn't. This person is someone who has a bias towards choosing life. I'm not sure of the purpose of speaking with him if you're not looking for hope.

 

[noname223]

If you're looking for support for choosing life and encouragement then speak with him. If you're looking for anything else then I wouldn't. This person is someone who has a bias towards choosing life. I'm not sure of the purpose of speaking with him if you're not looking for hope.

There are different reasons. I don't like to hide my suicidality because I think it should not be something to feel ashamed about. I could well imagine he could become an important figure with his skills. Why not influencing someone like him in the pro-choice direction. (like a right-to-die activist).
We often talk about philosophy. I would like to hear his thoughts on suicide, antinatalism and assisted suicide. I like to debate assisted suicide because I think I have very good arguments. Especially because he is not a concerned person the discusiion might be interesting. Most people in this forum agree with my stances about suicide. A debate with a different opinion could be interesting. And I hope of course to convince him about my stance on it.

 

[Foresight]

Oh I see. I think it's fine If you'd like to talk about it when you happen to be speaking about philosophy. Advocacy from people who understand is important. I wouldn't make it personal in that situation. I would keep it about general concepts in the discussion. Obviously bringing up suicide a lot will make him suspicious but he has nothing on you at that point. We have a right to talk about things.

If you bring up your situation too much you're bringing something into his life that's undeniable. For the rest of his life he will remember that nice guy he knew in college who killed himself. He'll have his what ifs and the regrets. Because of this, he's likely to make your suicidal thoughts known to school administrators, other authorities, etc. He's going to try to avoid the thought that he didn't do enough to help. It's just too big to bring a casual friend into this situation if you're planning to go. If you don't focus on your personal case too much he won't focus too hard on trying to help you in particular. His memory will go back to the philosophical points you made, rather than the advice he tried to give you in particular.

 

[noname223]

By the way I recently hinted to him that I am suicidal. I did not feel good. I was very sad. He knows a lot about my struggle. But I have never talked about my suicidality with him.

It was really only a sutble hint but I think he got it. He was stunned and he was gaping in astonishment. it was like he wanted to say "Oh". We had no deeper conversation about it. I will probably never talk about how serious I am about suicide. I want that will succeeds in life . He deserves it. I don't want to be a burden for him.

 

[whywhywhy]

By the way I recently hinted to him that I am suicidal. I did not feel good. I was very sad. He knows a lot about my struggle. But I have never talked about my suicidality with him.

It was really only a sutble hint but I think he got it. He was stunned and he was gaping in astonishment. it was like he wanted to say "Oh". We had no deeper conversation about it. I will probably never talk about how serious I am about suicide. I want that will succeeds in life . He deserves it. I don't want to be a burden for him.

Just be aware of the possible consequences when you say something like this. Opening up is not easy because a lot of people will think its their moral obligation to stop it at all costs. Its part of the hero complex that is the cancer of the society. You could lose access to the internet, be controlled 24/7, get thrown into a mental facility. It will also become harder to end it.

 

[noname223]

Just be aware of the possible consequences when you say something like this. Opening up is not easy because a lot of people will think its their moral obligation to stop it at all costs. Its part of the hero complex that is the cancer of the society. You could lose access to the internet, be controlled 24/7, get thrown into a mental facility. It will also become harder to end it.

I think this is more or less a irrational thought I have read quite often. I told a lot of professionals about my suicidality and only one time I was forced to the psych ward. To that time I was really acute suicidal.

All therapists have believed me when I answered the question whether I was acute suicidal. Only if you are acute suicidal they have the right to force you to a clinic. Maybe some people had bad experiences. But many therapists know about my suicidality and I don't have to go to the psych ward because I just have to state the truth that I am not acute suicidal. Some know I am longterm severe suicidal and one professional said something like they can't lock me up for my whole life because of it. Due to the fact that my suicidality will probably not go away. I am now suicidal for almost a decade.

 

[Alex6216]

You're going to be forced in a loony bin and/or become the college clown. Don't do it