my boyfriend said some of my habits are unattractive

[LittleMagician]

I know I make a lot of posts about my boyfriend but he is pretty much the only person outside of my family that I talk to and he opened up to me about how my habits are quite unattractive and hurt him. Apparently I am too negative, swear too much, controlling and aggressive. Idk how to feel about this information I told him if I'm all these negative things then just leave me but he says I don't get it and then went to go make dinner. Idfk what's going on or why this is happening

 

[yowai]

Is it maybe your first relationship? I think he brought it up because he wants you to work on yourself, he loves you despite these flaws but it's tough on him so he's just making you aware of how he feels because if he bottled it up nothing would change. Communication is important and if you really want to be with someone you need to work on things you don't just leave because something is inconvenient maybe that's what he meant by "you dont get it"
You can talk to him and acknowledge what he said and say you'll think about your behaviour, maybe try to change some little things or think about why you come off that way to him

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

shoot, I've been married forever and every single minute has been like what you described. my wife completely hates me. "till death do us part" is all I have left

 

[bankai]

He made dinner?He's a keeper.

 

[deadbidaylight]

So your boyfriend decided to tell you these things but refused to elaborate or even discuss them? That's toxic. I'm really sorry he'd put you in a crappy situation.

You need to sit down and have a chat with him (if able) on why he feels this way, and if he's willing to help you work on these things if you also agree that they are negative habits. But at the end of the day, he got with you knowing who you are and these habits don't just develop over time. He can't change you. No one is perfect and we all have quirks we don't like about our significant others but that's part of life. He needs to determine if this is something that is going to make or break your relationship.

Again, I'm really sorry he made you feel like shit for being who you are. These are things you could work on, but don't do it only for him. You have to want it too. You'll never be perfect, and the sooner you accept that, the better you might feel. Right now he needs to be lifting you up instead of tearing you down.

 

[Droso]

My ex was like this as well. He would bring up how I was manipulative and how I hurt him all the time out of the blue with basically no explanation. It hurt a lot because he was abusive and played the victim, but idk if your bf is the same.

You said he's the only person you talk to outside of your family. And if you aren't very open to your family, then you are most likely using him as your only support which can be stressful for the both of you. It's probably why he sees you as negative and aggressive bc he's the only person you can truly confide in.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I know I make a lot of posts about my boyfriend but he is pretty much the only person outside of my family that I talk to and he opened up to me about how my habits are quite unattractive and hurt him. Apparently I am too negative, swear too much, controlling and aggressive. Idk how to feel about this information I told him if I'm all these negative things then just leave me but he says I don't get it and then went to go make dinner. Idfk what's going on or why this is happening

I don't know you or your boyfriend, but the fact that he's telling you that harmless traits like swearing too much are "unattractive" and criticizing your thought patterns while also calling you "controlling and aggressive" is a bit of a red flag. Like, are we sure that *you're* the controlling one in this relationship?

It's one thing if he tells you that your actions or words are hurtful to him, but based on the way you phrased it, this sounds like a direct criticism of you as a person, not your actions. Are you familiar with "negging"? It's basically a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. (I don't have enough context to definitively say that's what's happening here, but calling your partner "unattractive" is usually textbook negging.)

 

[wantingdignity]

It might be good to discuss boundaries and figure out what exactly is wrong. If it's just that your venting is having an effect on him, then maybe y'all could negotiate a time and a place to vent. Talk as a team about how to come up with a solution and discuss the problem without going against each other.

If it's something deeper, there might be a bigger problem. It might be a good idea to get someone outside of the relationship as an extra support, especially if the relationship is rocky.

I was recently dumped by someone that I am now recognizing was unhealthy. I hope that y'all are able to work this out, and/or that you are able to get the support you need. Navigating relationships while suicidal is not easy and no one prepared you for it.

 

[ToANewWorld]

Having being on the other side of this scenario, I would give what @yowai said some thought, OP.

Chances are someone that cares about you will risk having an uncomfortable conversation if it means helping you become a better person. Self-awareness says we are not born perfect.

 

[F@#$]

People say I swear too much too. I just reply " swear too much? Well then what the fuck am I supposed to say?

 

[NeverReallyHere]

It's difficult to tell what's really going on just from the details of your post, but if he really laid all that on you and then fucked off to make dinner without any further explanation then that's pretty toxic, and dare-I-say, controlling behaviour. Asking him for some specific examples of when you've exhibited these negative behaviours should give you some clarity on what's going on (and make it easier to talk things over). If he's unable, or unwilling to give you examples then that would indicate that he's not acting in good-faith.

 

[LittleMagician]

I don't know you or your boyfriend, but the fact that he's telling you that harmless traits like swearing too much are "unattractive" and criticizing your thought patterns while also calling you "controlling and aggressive" is a bit of a red flag. Like, are we sure that *you're* the controlling one in this relationship?

It's one thing if he tells you that your actions or words are hurtful to him, but based on the way you phrased it, this sounds like a direct criticism of you as a person, not your actions. Are you familiar with "negging"? It's basically a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. (I don't have enough context to definitively say that's what's happening here, but calling your partner "unattractive" is usually textbook negging.)

I asked him "so you find me unattractive?" And he said no I don't find you unattractive I just find the constant swearing unattractive and idk what negging is I only heard about this now
lol

People say I swear too much too. I just reply " swear too much? Well then what the fuck am I supposed to say?

My ex was like this as well. He would bring up how I was manipulative and how I hurt him all the time out of the blue with basically no explanation. It hurt a lot because he was abusive and played the victim, but idk if your bf is the same.

You said he's the only person you talk to outside of your family. And if you aren't very open to your family, then you are most likely using him as your only support which can be stressful for the both of you. It's probably why he sees you as negative and aggressive bc he's the only person you can truly confide in.

yeah this is pretty true
Yes, it's both our firsts

Is it maybe your first relationship? I think he brought it up because he wants you to work on yourself, he loves you despite these flaws but it's tough on him so he's just making you aware of how he feels because if he bottled it up nothing would change. Communication is important and if you really want to be with someone you need to work on things you don't just leave because something is inconvenient maybe that's what he meant by "you dont get it"
You can talk to him and acknowledge what he said and say you'll think about your behaviour, maybe try to change some little things or think about why you come off that way to him

shoot, I've been married forever and every single minute has been like what you described. my wife completely hates me. "till death do us part" is all I have left

I'm no where near close to getting married but im sorry :/

He made dinner?He's a keeper.

Not for me he is at uni

It might be good to discuss boundaries and figure out what exactly is wrong. If it's just that your venting is having an effect on him, then maybe y'all could negotiate a time and a place to vent. Talk as a team about how to come up with a solution and discuss the problem without going against each other.

If it's something deeper, there might be a bigger problem. It might be a good idea to get someone outside of the relationship as an extra support, especially if the relationship is rocky.

I was recently dumped by someone that I am now recognizing was unhealthy. I hope that y'all are able to work this out, and/or that you are able to get the support you need. Navigating relationships while suicidal is not easy and no one prepared you for it.

Very true ^^

 

[oneirataxia]

I don't feel like there's enough information about anything or anyone in this scenario, and I don't trust the complete ambiguity of this post tbh. Your use of "apparently" implies an abject cluelessness to why he would be complaining about such things. Could he have said "you don't get it" because you may be unwilling to reflect on how you act towards others? Did anything happen to lead up to this? Were you nothing but kind to the people around you, only to hear this anyways? If I were you, I would try to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about how the both of you could try and improve your communication, and I'd try and reflect on myself and think of ways in which I may have hurt others in the past. If he really is just pulling these complaints out of his ass to make you feel bad, and if there are signs he could be controlling you, then yeah, obviously that isn't good and you deserve better. But something about this post... doesn't sound right to me. I don't really know whether this is just an unfounded attack on your character or a lack of self-awareness. It's not wrong to swear a lot, but criticisms for being aggressive and controlling are definitely not something that should be written off if they have any basis in reality. I am sorry for the confrontational tone, I really just want to help.

 

[CatLvr]

People say I swear too much too. I just reply " swear too much? Well then what the fuck am I supposed to say?

I have also been told I swear too much -- but that I do it so effortlessly that it is hard to be offended. I SWEAR -- that is EXACTLY what this friend said to me!

 

[ceilng_tile]

I asked him "so you find me unattractive?" And he said no I don't find you unattractive I just find the constant swearing unattractive and idk what negging is I only heard about this now
lol

okay, in this context it sounds less like negging, since you were the one who brought up "unattractive."

Negging is when one person in a relationship repeatedly puts down the other person, typically by calling them ugly or unattractive, to lower their self-esteem and trap them in the relationship because they think no one else will want them.

 

[Apathy79]

You said the other day he got back together with you but said you needed help. I'm going to go out on a limb and say these are some of the areas he thinks you need help. I'm also just guessing here but if you don't talk to your family about the really negative stuff, he's probably copping a lot of it, which can feel like an attack when it's persistent. Unattractive has a physical connotation I don't think he means, I'd hear more like "we'll both feel better if you can tone down these things a bit". Leaving he probably sees as too extreme reaction - it seems like he likes you for the most part but a few things get on his nerves over time, much like any relationship.

 

[deadstillwalking]

okay, in this context it sounds less like negging, since you were the one who brought up "unattractive."

Negging is when one person in a relationship repeatedly puts down the other person, typically by calling them ugly or unattractive, to lower their self-esteem and trap them in the relationship because they think no one else will want them.

that's not what I understood negging is. Their partner talked about the criticism openly, meanwhile negging is supposed to be more hidden and confuse the one who's the victim of it. It can sound like a compliment and as a devaluation at the same time, talking about characteristics that put you off doesn't make you a manipulator

 

[Subhumano]

I wish I had a partner

 

[LittleMagician]

I don't feel like there's enough information about anything or anyone in this scenario, and I don't trust the complete ambiguity of this post tbh. Your use of "apparently" implies an abject cluelessness to why he would be complaining about such things. Could he have said "you don't get it" because you may be unwilling to reflect on how you act towards others? Did anything happen to lead up to this? Were you nothing but kind to the people around you, only to hear this anyways? If I were you, I would try to sit down and have an honest conversation with him about how the both of you could try and improve your communication, and I'd try and reflect on myself and think of ways in which I may have hurt others in the past. If he really is just pulling these complaints out of his ass to make you feel bad, and if there are signs he could be controlling you, then yeah, obviously that isn't good and you deserve better. But something about this post... doesn't sound right to me. I don't really know whether this is just an unfounded attack on your character or a lack of self-awareness. It's not wrong to swear a lot, but criticisms for being aggressive and controlling are definitely not something that should be written off if they have any basis in reality. I am sorry for the confrontational tone, I really just want to help.

This post wasn't really meant to be ambiguous or to put blame on anyone, it's true that I have huge faults in my character I just wanted to vent about it since it caught me off guard but I do need a lot of self reflecting to do regardless

You said the other day he got back together with you but said you needed help. I'm going to go out on a limb and say these are some of the areas he thinks you need help. I'm also just guessing here but if you don't talk to your family about the really negative stuff, he's probably copping a lot of it, which can feel like an attack when it's persistent. Unattractive has a physical connotation I don't think he means, I'd hear more like "we'll both feel better if you can tone down these things a bit". Leaving he probably sees as too extreme reaction - it seems like he likes you for the most part but a few things get on his nerves over time, much like any relationship.

Yeah that is true, I don't think he means unattractive in the physical sense as he goes on about how beautiful I am and how much he is attracted to me physically but I guess some aspects of my personality are a turn off for him

I have also been told I swear too much -- but that I do it so effortlessly that it is hard to be offended. I SWEAR -- that is EXACTLY what this friend said to me!

I wish I had a partner

yeah I am very grateful to have the partner that I have but the wrong partner could be detrimental