Venting SH vent

[lastwordsofmine]

okay so i have been struggling with selfharm for years now, and im now again in a period of cutting litteraly every single fucking day but i am so tired with how easily razor blades gets dull, like i have to use so much more energy to get the depth and everything i want like i wanna see it dripping, i wanna pick the scabs as it starts healing just to make the scar "worse" so that people can see that i have struggled, and ive moved from my thighs to my upper arm now and honestly it feels so good to get a "clean" surface, ive been a thigh cutter for so long i just uguhhh i love a new clean surface where i can cut open my skin and have new scars whereever i want them.
Also i want the scars i love my scars, i hate when they fade and thats also why i dont like when my cuts arent deep because those scars dont really show and i want my scars :(

Also i wanna cut so deep that i need to get stitches again i miss having my stitches in and the nurse was so nice to me that night a month ago. I think ill do it on monday after my caregiver comes ^_^ just so that she wont need to be there and expirence me hurting myself like this as i do care about her and i know that she cares about me !
I feel so sick in the best way ever and i love it, i wanna get worse and i wanna get sicker and then ill prove to everyone that my life has been shit this whole time, and then finally after that ill finally kill myself. Then I'll jump infront of the train, and if i dont succeed then well, ill try again!

 

[RyleIsRiledUp]

Hey, honey.
I can see where you're going with this. I dunno what's going on in your life nor will I assume much but it's really bad for sure cuz it led you here. Now, lemme tell you smthing. I've been there. like seriously been where you are rn.

Self harm feels like a testament, right? "See? I'm suffering.". You're not looking for attention in a bad way. You're crying out for help, right?
Honey, lemme tell you this and it sounds cliche; But this doesn't help. SH or suicide. No, they just make it worse. The mortality rate of suicide is so low, it's not even worth it. There's more chance of you becoming disabled or being in permanent agony than there is off you dying. I tried my way, din work. Only made me realise, it ain worth it. When someone contemplates suicide, they feel like it's a worth it option. But I have experienced this and have heard others' stories of their experiences that when you finally do it, in that very end split second... You regret. You regret it so bad. Like almost everyone I've met have regretted trying. I'm so so so sorry you have to go thru this.

Let me tell you another thing, SH feels good but in the long run it's just unhealthy and will ruin your mental health further. I'd be a hypocrite to say that I din recently do it myself, i did my last like 3 months ago. It's so fcking hard to get over that split second pleasure. Not worth it though. I'm speaking frm experience. I was abused (not comparing pain here. im just giving context) for 5 years by smone i considered to be a close frnd because i din realise it was actually abuse. the during covid i was isolated with further ruined my mental health. Post covid was worse. I started SH and it felt good then. But now, after 5 more years since and after an attempt to ctb, i realised, it's not worth shyt.

Doing this only fueling your cycle of suffering. you need to try to let go, honey. it's soooo hard and people relapse all the time, i did too. But we can try our best, even if the best is one less cut, or a less deeper cut. Please, sweetie. It's not worth trying to commit suicide, there's more chance of you suffering more than ending it.
And I believe in you. Not in a usual "it'll get better" way that others who dun get our pain say. but like, genuinely. I believe every user on this site, and every person beyond it has a chance to recover, even a small one counts.

I'll leave the choice to you, hun. And I hope you the very best for the future.