Help Serious Question

[Marine]

Can someone concretely help me :

By giving me a 100% compelling reason why I've been systematically abandoned, trampled and ignored by all those I have loved and the rest in 31 years of existence, why everything I care about most invariably fails, that somehow debunks the extremely pervasive idea that I'm a subhuman monster unworthy of love and life.

And a reliable way to find a truly compatible romantic partner in this situation.

I would be very grateful.

 

[Makko]

With reservation that everything I know about you are the four lines of text in your OP:

1. You have a personality that invites exploitation and the people in your life have responded to the invitation.
2. You find a much older partner who has unresolved parental issues and who needs someone vulnerable to nurture.

Spontaneous thoughts.

 

[Marine]

With reservation that everything I know about you are the four lines of text in your OP:

1. You have a personality that invites exploitation and the people in your life have responded to the invitation.
2. You find a much older partner who has unresolved parental issues and who needs someone vulnerable to nurture.

Spontaneous thoughts.

Link to my intro post for more info :

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/introduce-yourself.3952/post-785195

1. I don't think there is such a thing as a personality that invites exploitation, that sound like an incredibly twisted concept used to conveniently justify abusing and preying on others.

2. I'm looking for someone my age (25-35ish) capable of loving me for who I am, not nurturing a vulnerable creature.

 

[Shadowrider]

Please don't get me wrong - it is not a justification for being abused. Quite the contrary. Abuse is never the victim's (I'd rather use the term survivor TBH) guilt but the abuser's. Always. An abuser might choose to not prey on insecure people.

The main thing is that abusers tend to be quite cowardly people who daren't pick on those who don't seem to be vulnerable enough.
They prefer to choose individuals who are gentle, shy, obviously insecure, probably will not fight back, lonely and have a deficit for love, attention, validating and so on. (I know this from own experience, having been a target of bullying for a very long time - and trying my best to educate myself about the matter.)
For many years, I was convinced it was my fault and that I had a personality that invites exploitation - I thought I had a tattoo on my forehead, reading "please hurt me, please laugh at me behind my back, please ridicule me, please tell lies about me - oh and I will be very thankful if you take advantage of me!" and that everyone saw this tattoo - except me. The reality is that I didn't have - still don't have TBH - the necessary boundaries, and this is why it was so easy for bullies - and abusive people in general - to find me and to use me. I don't know how about you?

Looking for someone who loves you - instead of feeling sorry for you, nurturing you or anything in that direction - is a valid and realistic goal. You obviously don't dwell in self-pity and this is a good thing!

 

[Makko]

Please don't get me wrong - it is not a justification for being abused. Quite the contrary. Abuse is never the victim's (I'd rather use the term survivor TBH) guilt but the abuser's. Always. An abuser might choose to not prey on insecure people.

The main thing is that abusers tend to be quite cowardly people who daren't pick on those who don't seem to be vulnerable enough.
They prefer to choose individuals who are gentle, shy, obviously insecure, probably will not fight back, lonely and have a deficit for love, attention, validating and so on. (I know this from own experience, having been a target of bullying for a very long time - and trying my best to educate myself about the matter.)
For many years, I was convinced it was my fault and that I had a personality that invites exploitation - I thought I had a tattoo on my forehead, reading "please hurt me, please laugh at me behind my back, please ridicule me, please tell lies about me - oh and I will be very thankful if you take advantage of me!" and that everyone saw this tattoo - except me. The reality is that I didn't have - still don't have TBH - the necessary boundaries, and this is why it was so easy for bullies - and abusive people in general - to find me and to use me. I don't know how about you?

That's a much better way of putting it than I did, though the point it more or less the same. The introduction post supports it. Setting boundaries isn't easy, when you're used to not having any. I know people who struggle with this.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Genes and environment?

 

[Shadowrider]

That's a much better way of putting it than I did, though the point it more or less the same. The introduction post supports it. Setting boundaries isn't easy, when you're used to not having any. I know people who struggle with this.

Yeah, I see you wanted to point at the same thing - or something similar!
Yeah, getting used to the idea that you have the right to set boundaries is not that easy. Especially, if one has to grow up without learning this concept.

 

[Marine]

Please don't get me wrong - it is not a justification for being abused. Quite the contrary. Abuse is never the victim's (I'd rather use the term survivor TBH) guilt but the abuser's. Always. An abuser might choose to not prey on insecure people.

The main thing is that abusers tend to be quite cowardly people who daren't pick on those who don't seem to be vulnerable enough.
They prefer to choose individuals who are gentle, shy, obviously insecure, probably will not fight back, lonely and have a deficit for love, attention, validating and so on. (I know this from own experience, having been a target of bullying for a very long time - and trying my best to educate myself about the matter.)
For many years, I was convinced it was my fault and that I had a personality that invites exploitation - I thought I had a tattoo on my forehead, reading "please hurt me, please laugh at me behind my back, please ridicule me, please tell lies about me - oh and I will be very thankful if you take advantage of me!" and that everyone saw this tattoo - except me. The reality is that I didn't have - still don't have TBH - the necessary boundaries, and this is why it was so easy for bullies - and abusive people in general - to find me and to use me. I don't know how about you?

Looking for someone who loves you - instead of feeling sorry for you, nurturing you or anything in that direction - is a valid and realistic goal. You obviously don't dwell in self-pity and this is a good thing!

I did work a lot on myself over the years so I do think I have boundaries and fight back ?

If you'd like to define the types of boundaries you are talking about though, maybe there's something I have overlooked ?

Of course I've never been loved throughout my life so there is a missing puzzle piece to my self until I find that love, which I can do nothing about since I can't substitute myself for it or invent it, contrary to what some predatory sects promote, and it probably does make me vulnerable, but it has nothing to do with my personality, rather it's a matter of circumstances.

I suppose that could be an exploit for predators but not everyone is a predator, I think there are plenty of beautiful people capable of understanding those circumstances and loving someone who's been deeply hurt regardless, because that should'nt make them unloveable, and yet I've managed to never meet such a person ? How ?

Genes and environment?

Genes ? You mean I have "unloveable" genes or am fugly ?

I've seen freaky looking people find seemingly genuine love, I'm not sure I would say that I look bad enought to warrant lifelong lovelessness...

Environment is probably a factor, but I've altered it many times and it didnt help much so far, so I wouldn't call it a compelling enough reason. I'm currently looking for a better place to live but I haven't found anything yet.