slightoverlooked
Student
- Dec 27, 2023
- 188
Hello,
this is my second post and I wanted to share some of my thoughts that I wouldn't tell anyone or briefly talk about with my therapist.
I am a 21 year old girl living in Germany. I was born here but my parents r from somewhere else. So I am not white. I am currently in university studying something in stem. Just some information about me.
I have been depressed since I'm a kid. I experienced multiple things as a child that made me believe I'm unlovable and that my own parents don't love me. It didn't get better in the friendship aspect because I was unlucky with the people around me. When I entered 5th grade I was bullied by lots of boys bc I was ugly in their eyes. I think they bullied me till 9th grade. It was mostly racist bc I didnt fit their beauty standard and sometimes they made fun of my flat chest. All girls had a romantic experience at least once and I never did. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt horrible and ugly and I had a bad best friend that only cared about herself. I developed this fake confidence and snapped back at people. They stopped bullying me. I just protected myself and acted like I am confident and I talked back loudly against all the racism.
Then I got into a horrible friend group of girls who also weren't white like me but yeah that doesn't matter. Race doesn't make people good or bad. Only their soul and character matters. One of the girls saw me as competition for some reason and told me multiple times that she cant imagine any guy loving me and that I'm not pohotgenic.
During all these times i wasn't close with my family and they saw me as the black sheep. Because I was rebellious. I didn't share some opinions with my parents and always discussed with them. I believed they didn't love me and my mom always accused me in our arguments that I hated our family and I would be happy if one of my siblings would die. I had no one. Shitty friend group that bullied me and guys who probably still talked behind my back. I had one best friend. We connected because we knew each other since we were kids and she also wasn't white. We were very close but I didnt tell her much. Honestly we were just young shared the same interests and saw each other a lot bc of school. Thats it.
Fast forward everything got worse and worse. I felt uglier and more unloved. The stress of growing up and loneliness was horrible. Everyone around me had some romantic experience and my best friend practically ignored me for 6 months bc of a boy. She didnt have time for me, only for that guy she was talking to on snapchat. I warned her many times cuz he was an asshole but she didnt listen lmao he broke her heart in the end. whatever idc tbh.
During my hs time all teachers also told me I wont graduate cuz I'm not capable and blablba whatever. They turned out to be racist tbh and just didnt want to see me win lol! anyway i got worse started sh, developed an ed and i was really suicidal. still managed to graduate with chronic severe depression and two months after i attempted to OD. didnt work out. ended up in the psych ward. a couple months after that my best friend abandoned me bc ig i had no use for her anymore and i was complicated probably. I opened up a lot more after my attempt. was forced into therapy. my attempt was October 2021. its almost 2024. I am still suicidal i would say even worse. I sh a lot worse. back then it was only babycuts now i cut till i see fat tissue.
I took a gap year and now I'm university. I met a lot of new friends. better friends. and i love them but still they dont rlly give me what i need ig. I still feel unloved and my new best friend has a boyfriend now and she barely talks to me anymore. she said she unconditionally loves me but i dont see that in her actions. at the beginning of our friendship without me even mentioning anything she said she cant imagine being in a relationship. she loves her friends and would never replace them and they mean more to her than a relationship. anyway all bullshit.
during my gap year i didnt have friends so when i did have friends i was rlly cautious. But also open about my condition bc I didnt want to be friends with someone that would abandon me later on when they see I am actually very mentally ill. University at the beginning was great I'd say but that was just the overstimulation of meeting so many new ppl.
I am in my third semester now. I have friends, yes. But I still feel lonely. I was hit on a couple of times on parties but it was all sexual and disgusting. Im scared of abandonment and of dying alone. One day all my friends will replace me with romantic partners. Which I am not mad about. Im just sad. Im sad that no one actually loves me. I cant vent about this to friends cuz they give me the fault. They tell me I dont dress a certain way or I should be more social or blablba. Or use tinder. I dont judge ppl who do but I wouldn't use a dating app. I watched and read enough about them to know it wouldn't work for me and I would probably be more likely to cbt. Btw I am very social and extroverted. I get along with people very well. I have a very social hobby and I meet lots of new ppl. But i have to say i never had a crush on anyone so ig why would i expect anyone to like me?
There was a girl who liked me but I didnt like her. we were close friends. I dont think im straight but I force myself to be for the sake of my own mother. She wants me to marry a man and there is a lot more to it. But I dont believe a man would ever truly love me. Maybe for my body but never my soul. I lost hope in men bc the first man in my life, my own father, treated me like shit. After that all the guys from hs and so on. Im not a man hater. I have some really great guy friends who showed me that not all men are the same. but its all platonic.
So, I am 21. I am in university. My mother changed a lot she is amazing and no matter what she did I would never be mad at her. She married when she was 17 and when she had me she was 21. She made mistakes but my dads family made her life hell. she was just a traumatised teen just like I am. She didnt even have a mother but still was and is the most caring and loving person I know. I love her.
But I still want to die. I cant bear the thought of growing up and turning 25 at some point while still being unloved. I dont want to die alone. I want to feel loved for once in my fucking life. I hate myself so much. My anorexia is getting worse im at my lowest weight and I am losing rapidly. Curently I am bmi 17,4 and my goal is to just keep going till I die.
I wish I could die now but I feel bad for my mother and younger brother. Hes only 8. I would traumatise him for life. My mom told me she would also take her life if i do. I begged her many times to just let me go.
I saw some suicide videos and they dont horrify me but I know it would horrify my family. Death can look brutal. Jumping from a building would leave a severed corpse. Jumping in front of a train would be even worse. I hate that everyone is selfish and wants me to suffer for them. I am angry at them. At my mom. Some of my friends. They dont understand how I feel and they sometimes do and say things that hurt me. They barely reach out to me.
Sometimes I sit there and tell myself just suck it up. One day you will die anyway and if u keep destroying your body it might happen before you are 30. But then I am so exhausted from just being alive that the voice in my head screams at me. "Why wait when you can die now? Make your suffering stop. No one understands you and they never will. If you die then it will be over. Everyone will suck it up and mom will keep living for her other kids. I am sure."
Im sad. I know today that I am not the ugliest or fattest person but I cant see that. I feel unlovable.
There is just one thing i want and that's to feel loved by someone that's not my mother. I believe my friends only tolerate or like me bc I am useful or funny to hang around with. Idk. I talked a lot. I am sorry. I just want to die rn.
I sit here and think "Is death my only option?"
My suffering feels unbearable and I am sure there are people on here who have it a lot worse. In the end I live in a financial stable household, I go to university, I have friends even if they arent the best always and my mother loves me. I have two cats. And I love them. I have a hobby and if I lose more weight maybe someone will love me. In my brain I imagine that when I reach bmi 15 that I might find my soulmate. But will that ever happen? I am convinced atp that I am probably asexual. I am scared of being sexual irl maybe bc I was SA as a child. Idk.
Thank you if you read till here. I am not gonna correct read this and just post it. pls dont be mean to me i have enough on my platter
this is my second post and I wanted to share some of my thoughts that I wouldn't tell anyone or briefly talk about with my therapist.
I am a 21 year old girl living in Germany. I was born here but my parents r from somewhere else. So I am not white. I am currently in university studying something in stem. Just some information about me.
I have been depressed since I'm a kid. I experienced multiple things as a child that made me believe I'm unlovable and that my own parents don't love me. It didn't get better in the friendship aspect because I was unlucky with the people around me. When I entered 5th grade I was bullied by lots of boys bc I was ugly in their eyes. I think they bullied me till 9th grade. It was mostly racist bc I didnt fit their beauty standard and sometimes they made fun of my flat chest. All girls had a romantic experience at least once and I never did. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt horrible and ugly and I had a bad best friend that only cared about herself. I developed this fake confidence and snapped back at people. They stopped bullying me. I just protected myself and acted like I am confident and I talked back loudly against all the racism.
Then I got into a horrible friend group of girls who also weren't white like me but yeah that doesn't matter. Race doesn't make people good or bad. Only their soul and character matters. One of the girls saw me as competition for some reason and told me multiple times that she cant imagine any guy loving me and that I'm not pohotgenic.
During all these times i wasn't close with my family and they saw me as the black sheep. Because I was rebellious. I didn't share some opinions with my parents and always discussed with them. I believed they didn't love me and my mom always accused me in our arguments that I hated our family and I would be happy if one of my siblings would die. I had no one. Shitty friend group that bullied me and guys who probably still talked behind my back. I had one best friend. We connected because we knew each other since we were kids and she also wasn't white. We were very close but I didnt tell her much. Honestly we were just young shared the same interests and saw each other a lot bc of school. Thats it.
Fast forward everything got worse and worse. I felt uglier and more unloved. The stress of growing up and loneliness was horrible. Everyone around me had some romantic experience and my best friend practically ignored me for 6 months bc of a boy. She didnt have time for me, only for that guy she was talking to on snapchat. I warned her many times cuz he was an asshole but she didnt listen lmao he broke her heart in the end. whatever idc tbh.
During my hs time all teachers also told me I wont graduate cuz I'm not capable and blablba whatever. They turned out to be racist tbh and just didnt want to see me win lol! anyway i got worse started sh, developed an ed and i was really suicidal. still managed to graduate with chronic severe depression and two months after i attempted to OD. didnt work out. ended up in the psych ward. a couple months after that my best friend abandoned me bc ig i had no use for her anymore and i was complicated probably. I opened up a lot more after my attempt. was forced into therapy. my attempt was October 2021. its almost 2024. I am still suicidal i would say even worse. I sh a lot worse. back then it was only babycuts now i cut till i see fat tissue.
I took a gap year and now I'm university. I met a lot of new friends. better friends. and i love them but still they dont rlly give me what i need ig. I still feel unloved and my new best friend has a boyfriend now and she barely talks to me anymore. she said she unconditionally loves me but i dont see that in her actions. at the beginning of our friendship without me even mentioning anything she said she cant imagine being in a relationship. she loves her friends and would never replace them and they mean more to her than a relationship. anyway all bullshit.
during my gap year i didnt have friends so when i did have friends i was rlly cautious. But also open about my condition bc I didnt want to be friends with someone that would abandon me later on when they see I am actually very mentally ill. University at the beginning was great I'd say but that was just the overstimulation of meeting so many new ppl.
I am in my third semester now. I have friends, yes. But I still feel lonely. I was hit on a couple of times on parties but it was all sexual and disgusting. Im scared of abandonment and of dying alone. One day all my friends will replace me with romantic partners. Which I am not mad about. Im just sad. Im sad that no one actually loves me. I cant vent about this to friends cuz they give me the fault. They tell me I dont dress a certain way or I should be more social or blablba. Or use tinder. I dont judge ppl who do but I wouldn't use a dating app. I watched and read enough about them to know it wouldn't work for me and I would probably be more likely to cbt. Btw I am very social and extroverted. I get along with people very well. I have a very social hobby and I meet lots of new ppl. But i have to say i never had a crush on anyone so ig why would i expect anyone to like me?
There was a girl who liked me but I didnt like her. we were close friends. I dont think im straight but I force myself to be for the sake of my own mother. She wants me to marry a man and there is a lot more to it. But I dont believe a man would ever truly love me. Maybe for my body but never my soul. I lost hope in men bc the first man in my life, my own father, treated me like shit. After that all the guys from hs and so on. Im not a man hater. I have some really great guy friends who showed me that not all men are the same. but its all platonic.
So, I am 21. I am in university. My mother changed a lot she is amazing and no matter what she did I would never be mad at her. She married when she was 17 and when she had me she was 21. She made mistakes but my dads family made her life hell. she was just a traumatised teen just like I am. She didnt even have a mother but still was and is the most caring and loving person I know. I love her.
But I still want to die. I cant bear the thought of growing up and turning 25 at some point while still being unloved. I dont want to die alone. I want to feel loved for once in my fucking life. I hate myself so much. My anorexia is getting worse im at my lowest weight and I am losing rapidly. Curently I am bmi 17,4 and my goal is to just keep going till I die.
I wish I could die now but I feel bad for my mother and younger brother. Hes only 8. I would traumatise him for life. My mom told me she would also take her life if i do. I begged her many times to just let me go.
I saw some suicide videos and they dont horrify me but I know it would horrify my family. Death can look brutal. Jumping from a building would leave a severed corpse. Jumping in front of a train would be even worse. I hate that everyone is selfish and wants me to suffer for them. I am angry at them. At my mom. Some of my friends. They dont understand how I feel and they sometimes do and say things that hurt me. They barely reach out to me.
Sometimes I sit there and tell myself just suck it up. One day you will die anyway and if u keep destroying your body it might happen before you are 30. But then I am so exhausted from just being alive that the voice in my head screams at me. "Why wait when you can die now? Make your suffering stop. No one understands you and they never will. If you die then it will be over. Everyone will suck it up and mom will keep living for her other kids. I am sure."
Im sad. I know today that I am not the ugliest or fattest person but I cant see that. I feel unlovable.
There is just one thing i want and that's to feel loved by someone that's not my mother. I believe my friends only tolerate or like me bc I am useful or funny to hang around with. Idk. I talked a lot. I am sorry. I just want to die rn.
I sit here and think "Is death my only option?"
My suffering feels unbearable and I am sure there are people on here who have it a lot worse. In the end I live in a financial stable household, I go to university, I have friends even if they arent the best always and my mother loves me. I have two cats. And I love them. I have a hobby and if I lose more weight maybe someone will love me. In my brain I imagine that when I reach bmi 15 that I might find my soulmate. But will that ever happen? I am convinced atp that I am probably asexual. I am scared of being sexual irl maybe bc I was SA as a child. Idk.
Thank you if you read till here. I am not gonna correct read this and just post it. pls dont be mean to me i have enough on my platter
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