C
Catcrazygirl
Want the calm
- Jan 31, 2024
- 12
I want to share and discuss some thoughts on motivations and feelings on cutting and self harming here- as I obviously cannot do so anywhere else.
First real post here so pls bear with formatting and language!
I've noticed it's very divided here, people who self harm and those who don't, and I want to ask the community about why you do this and if SH feels unique or special than other actions. Because personally, these days it is one of my most unique experiences (for context I've been SH for abt 8 months).
When I cut myself it feels so good, it doesn't feel loud and confusing like every other aspect of existence. Cutting myself is the only time I feel things are simple, that I've done some good, it's like a moment of clarity. It's the only time I feel assured I've done something good and simple. Personally, I cut myself to right my wrongs, if I've done something bad to someone, I believe that hurting myself for that stops me repeating it, punishes me, and kind of balances things out energetically. I have been consistently good at hiding my SH so when I know I can do it, I have no worries about what others may think, no worries about the morality of my decision, no worries about how it affects others. It is something purely my own.
This idea was prompted about two months ago, I had started cutting myself really bad and I had a realisation that just the feeling, the warmth, the relaxation I felt from it was incomparable. I had been feeling so alone and confused that week, but in that moment I lay down and felt the pain and blood warm me and I felt whole and relaxed, and not completely like an awful person.
Furthermore, the other day I found a new knife to cut myself with, i tried and it felt so sharp. And I was excited. Genuinely excited. I smiled hard. And realised I hadn't smiled like that without anxiety or pressure in so long.
I'm sharing this to find any relatable experiences. Does anyone else find that existence is confusing and abusive to them, and that SH-ing is the only time anything pure or calm is felt. Like it's the only time you're sure about something?
Thank you for reading.
First real post here so pls bear with formatting and language!
I've noticed it's very divided here, people who self harm and those who don't, and I want to ask the community about why you do this and if SH feels unique or special than other actions. Because personally, these days it is one of my most unique experiences (for context I've been SH for abt 8 months).
When I cut myself it feels so good, it doesn't feel loud and confusing like every other aspect of existence. Cutting myself is the only time I feel things are simple, that I've done some good, it's like a moment of clarity. It's the only time I feel assured I've done something good and simple. Personally, I cut myself to right my wrongs, if I've done something bad to someone, I believe that hurting myself for that stops me repeating it, punishes me, and kind of balances things out energetically. I have been consistently good at hiding my SH so when I know I can do it, I have no worries about what others may think, no worries about the morality of my decision, no worries about how it affects others. It is something purely my own.
This idea was prompted about two months ago, I had started cutting myself really bad and I had a realisation that just the feeling, the warmth, the relaxation I felt from it was incomparable. I had been feeling so alone and confused that week, but in that moment I lay down and felt the pain and blood warm me and I felt whole and relaxed, and not completely like an awful person.
Furthermore, the other day I found a new knife to cut myself with, i tried and it felt so sharp. And I was excited. Genuinely excited. I smiled hard. And realised I hadn't smiled like that without anxiety or pressure in so long.
I'm sharing this to find any relatable experiences. Does anyone else find that existence is confusing and abusive to them, and that SH-ing is the only time anything pure or calm is felt. Like it's the only time you're sure about something?
Thank you for reading.