Renv1o_
Student
- May 10, 2023
- 129
I've been "recovered" for a while now. I'm surrounded by lovely people.
But every day I fantasise about hurting myself, about knowing others who do the same, having friends who listen and join me in every relapse without judgement. I want to cut and starve, selfishly. I tell everyone that I'm better, but I want to be awful to myself even more. I want to mutilate my body and wither away entirely.
I've relapsed into my ed and planning to sh again soon. I can't keep this rubber band from snapping. I'm tried of sacrificing this side of myself for everyone.
I feel so guilty for always daydreaming about being able to indulge in this with others lately. I don't know where the thought comes from. I feel sick with myself- I don't want anyone to feel this way but me, but I don't want to be alone. I want to be watched while I bleed out. I want people to see me and see how much I struggle.
I'm a dirty, disgusting attention whore, yet I spend every day hiding who I am from irls. I don't even know who I am anymore. Why do I have to stick around?
But every day I fantasise about hurting myself, about knowing others who do the same, having friends who listen and join me in every relapse without judgement. I want to cut and starve, selfishly. I tell everyone that I'm better, but I want to be awful to myself even more. I want to mutilate my body and wither away entirely.
I've relapsed into my ed and planning to sh again soon. I can't keep this rubber band from snapping. I'm tried of sacrificing this side of myself for everyone.
I feel so guilty for always daydreaming about being able to indulge in this with others lately. I don't know where the thought comes from. I feel sick with myself- I don't want anyone to feel this way but me, but I don't want to be alone. I want to be watched while I bleed out. I want people to see me and see how much I struggle.
I'm a dirty, disgusting attention whore, yet I spend every day hiding who I am from irls. I don't even know who I am anymore. Why do I have to stick around?
