Self Sabotaging - mind wants to go backwards.

[Redleaf1992]

Today (and partially days before) I have felt good, like a load has been taken of my shoulders. I've been trying to hold onto this feeling.

I have a vision for the future. It's very shallow one, where I'm get a dog who prevents me from being lonely - living with me n my teds. Where I spend my life doing hobby stuff and tv/games. Magically job/money isn't a problem either (haven't figured that out). Where I basically just exclude my self from society n relationships, so don't worry about stuff.

It's extremely shallow but achievable and better than non existence. I'm also going to see my hobby group for the first time since Xmas tonight. Also avoiding any music than can make me emotional in anyway. Mostly due to fighting for my family but also partially for myself; I now have some fighting spirit against CBT rather than just embracing it with open arms.

That said my mind wants to take me back to feeling depressive and suicidal, like it enjoys that state. Last week I felt too low to get any job work done, instead today I spent most of work daydreaming wrestling with my head. I don't know why my mind does, like it wants to feel sorry for itself.

Thinking of my own stupidity and pathetic-ness really brought the self hatred in to the mix. Despite feeling good I had loads of internal anger underneath the surface, which results in head smacking through the day. This at points is a chain reaction to make me feel low for short periods.

I just don't understand my stupid self, and why I'm self sabotaging like this.

The messed up thing is this is likely just a mood swing, and I will be back to planing a day to CBT again in the near future. It's like I have no control of where I going, and when I do try and steer it my mind pulls it the other way.

 

[Hvergelmir]

The brain have a tendency to go back to established thought patterns.

In most cases, going back to the same mindset and thought patterns you've used for similar contexts before, is a good strategy.
It can require a lot of will and practice to replace an existing pattern, but it's not complicated. Force yourself to use another approach to the problem, until your brain accepts it as the new default.

Getting a dog sounds like a great idea. If you're sure you want one, get one as soon as possible, assuming that you can provide the essentials.
I would not recommend excluding yourself from society and relationships, though. Even with a dog you're likely to feel isolated and alone in the long term.
I've lived your vision for the future, only to realize that it's not emotionally sustainable.

 

[wisteria3]

I totally get the feeling, of temporarily feeling a bit lighter but then sliding back to depression and almost feeling like you want to go back. I would say the suicidality and depression is like a coping mechanism for self-hatred. For me, it's like death feels like the only solution to all my percieved inadequacies, and I feel like I deserve it for being unable to succeed. Also, thinking about my death provides relief to all the horrible feelings. And of course depression makes me feel apathetic so I don't have to care about my problems all the time. So I totally get the urge to succumb to those depressed thoughts.

I would say the key is self-compassion. Like just acknowledging that you're struggling with a severe illness and it's okay that you've been "inadequate" (if that's how you feel) because you've literally been struggling to stay alive. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you have to treat yourself with the compassion you'd give yourself if you were struggling with a physical illness like cancer. Remember, you've been struggling, and it's exhausting and painful. But you're still trying, otherwise you wouldn't be posting in the recovery section. Just do your best to remind yourself of that whenever you have thoughts of self-hatred. It's the truth, even if you don't believe it.

But I totally get if the depression is so strong that those kinder thoughts don't work, because for me that's the case. I'm giving advice that I don't myself take :) For me, I feel like I'm making excuses for my behaviors. I think part of the challenge is because all the "solutions" to depression are things you have to do for yourself. Like if it was cancer, people would say, go to the doctor and get treated. But for depression, it's always "change your thoughts" and "change your habits/nutrition/exercise." When I hear that advice, it further makes me feel like it's my fault because MY thoughts and MY habits are the problem that I myself need to change on my own. So therefore, I'm the one who caused my depression. It's easier to tell it to someone else than to myself - it's not your fault, it's an illness you are struggling with.

 

[Tesha]

That said my mind wants to take me back to feeling depressive and suicidal, like it enjoys that state.

I do exactly the same, because feeling like I'm worthless and emotionally self harming is my comfort zone and safe space.

I find myself making decisions about big life events that many people would consider 'unwise'. In fact what I'm doing is choosing options that will make me feel more shitty and increase my suicidal ideation. I don't always spot I'm doing this to myself either, which is quite unnerving.

As wisteria3 pointed out, it's about self compassion.

I have none, so I'm trying to just do very small baby step changes to see if I can tolerate 'being kind to me'. I have to say, it's not going particularly well just yet…

It's so bloody hard.

 

[Redleaf1992]

@Hvergelmir @wisteria3 @Tesha thank you all for your replies! Shows what makes SS great.

Unfortunately my mood went down a slide during the hobby club, and then throughout today. At work I only managed to complete a single email and linkedin social media post - go me! lol Feeling better atm tho, up'n'down'n'up lol

In terms of the dog I unfortunately could not get one at this exact moment, but rather be a future thing. The flat I rent would make it both impractical and not allowed, plus I can barely look after myself atm lol. I agree that it's better not to isolate socially/relationship - but the idea of the vision is something bare minimum worth living for that I think I can achieve even when at my lowest. If I start putting in having friends, my mind is gonna remind me of my inadequacies that I cant have close freinds and then suddenly its a reason to CTB - as it's part of that bare minimum vision.

I'll try to try the mindset and self compassion thing, but it is difficult when your brain instantly wants to go straight to hating yourself and bringing yourself down. It doesn't help that at times when I do feel better my mind will sometimes imagine/role play a second parallel inner voice of someone else who will degrade me and argue with my normal inner voice if I try and be compassionate to myself. Just my minds way of dragging me back down I guess.

 

[wisteria3]

At work I only managed to complete a single email and linkedin social media post - go me! lol Feeling better atm tho, up'n'down'n'up lol

Definitely be proud of the single email + post, perfect time for self-compassion lol. Like if your mood is so low, at least you accomplished something and kept up the momentum of recovering as much as possible. That is much more than I do on my worst days!

In terms of the dog I unfortunately could not get one at this exact moment, but rather be a future thing. The flat I rent would make it both impractical and not allowed, plus I can barely look after myself atm lol.

Where I live, I have a dog in my apartment because it's super easy to say I need him as an emotional support animal (my landlord was not happy at first but it's the law) so I don't know if that's an option for you. I've fostered dogs before by the way, so I have some experience and training. I think it's a myth that you need a certain amount of space for a dog. If you get a high-energy dog, they need to exert their energy by running around outside, long walks, or puzzle toys (tons of indoor space wouldn't be good enough anyway). Low-energy dogs need some of that but not nearly as much. You could consider adopting a low-energy dog that wouldn't otherwise be adopted, like an older dog or a dog with arthritis (assuming you can afford it). I have a soft spot for pitbulls they are so freaking cuddly and also misunderstood. It might also give you purpose, like literally saving a life that wouldn't otherwise be saved. But yeah, when I'm severely depressed it is almost impossible to take care of my dog. It does force you to at least walk them the bare minimum though.

I'll try to try the mindset and self compassion thing, but it is difficult when your brain instantly wants to go straight to hating yourself and bringing yourself down.

definitely felt this, lol - for me the self-compassion voice feels like I'm lying to myself because it's too good to be true. I don't know... maybe if you say it enough times, eventually it will become habit, and maybe eventually you'll start to believe it?

 

[Redleaf1992]

Definitely be proud of the single email + post, perfect time for self-compassion lol. Like if your mood is so low, at least you accomplished something and kept up the momentum of recovering as much as possible. That is much more than I do on my worst days!



Where I live, I have a dog in my apartment because it's super easy to say I need him as an emotional support animal (my landlord was not happy at first but it's the law) so I don't know if that's an option for you. I've fostered dogs before by the way, so I have some experience and training. I think it's a myth that you need a certain amount of space for a dog. If you get a high-energy dog, they need to exert their energy by running around outside, long walks, or puzzle toys (tons of indoor space wouldn't be good enough anyway). Low-energy dogs need some of that but not nearly as much. You could consider adopting a low-energy dog that wouldn't otherwise be adopted, like an older dog or a dog with arthritis (assuming you can afford it). I have a soft spot for pitbulls they are so freaking cuddly and also misunderstood. It might also give you purpose, like literally saving a life that wouldn't otherwise be saved. But yeah, when I'm severely depressed it is almost impossible to take care of my dog. It does force you to at least walk them the bare minimum though.



definitely felt this, lol - for me the self-compassion voice feels like I'm lying to myself because it's too good to be true. I don't know... maybe if you say it enough times, eventually it will become habit, and maybe eventually you'll start to believe it?

I'll try to be proud, not sure work will see it that way tho . But your right I should be proud that I tried and did somthing rather than giving in and nothibg at all.

Unfortunately I don't think the UK has the emotion support animal rule (could be wrong). Yh it would be a good idea to adopt an older dog. Never considered a pit bull may have to meet some! My parents have a minature golden doodle and cockapoo and love them to bits - so maybe somthing like that. Apart of me would be reluctant to get a dog straight away atm tho, I can't say for sure which way my life is going and would feel bad if I CTB when he/she is reliant on me.

Tried to think of positive thing about me now, coudent really think of anything, but managed to caring for animals (from thinking of above) so will use that for now lol

 

[Tesha]

Unfortunately I don't think the UK has the emotion support animal rule

Not sure if you have PTSD, but if you do there are charities that train PTSD service dogs (when you're ready to have a dog on obviously). They're treated the same as any other service dog in the UK (I'm looking into it myself).

 

[Redleaf1992]

Not sure if you have PTSD, but if you do there are charities that train PTSD service dogs (when you're ready to have a dog on obviously). They're treated the same as any other service dog in the UK (I'm looking into it myself).

Thanks for sharing. Looks like a really good thing, and hope you are able to get one.

I don't have PTSD diagnosis, so unfortunately (the dog part) I would not be eligible.