Help Self sabotage

[mickeyboy]

Half of my attempts end with me sabotaging my attempt by texting someone about what I'm doing which ends with an ambulance showing up at my door and me ending up in a hospital. It's always a really impulsive move and I get really upset after I do it because I really want to CTB.

I'm going to CTB tonight. I really want this to work, but with my habit of sabotaging my attempts, I don't know if I'll end up ratting myself out again. Any advice on what to do or think about to stop myself from sabotaging this attempt?

 

[belowhorizon]

Go to a secluded place and don't bring your phone.

BUT are you sure that you want to CTB? It seems to me that you're quite not ready yet. Maybe don't rush it.

 

[mickeyboy]

Go to a secluded place and don't bring your phone.

BUT are you sure that you want to CTB? It seems to me that you're quite not ready yet. Maybe don't rush it.

I think this time I really want it. Some of those other times, I was nervous about it, and I didn't even have any backup plans. This time, I'm excited when I think about it. If it doesn't work, I have a backup plan, and then a backup plan for my backup plan. Some of those other times were impulsive attempts. This time it was planned out weeks in advance.

The only thing that could possibly stop me is guilt and feeling bad for the people who will miss me. But I'm too selfish to push them away, so they're just going to have to miss me and I'm going to have to put up with feeling guilty. Thanks for helping me! Maybe one day we will meet on the other side :)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you really don't want to CTB. It seems you're extending your hand out in order to seek help. There's nothing wrong with that. I'll say it again, there's nothing wrong with that, wanting to get help and feel better and be able to live your life as your best self. The only reason that makes sense to me for you "sabotaging" your attempts is because you really don't want to die. I hope you get everything sorted out and find the peace you deserve one way or another. Good luck.

 

[mickeyboy]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you really don't want to CTB. It seems you're extending your hand out in order to seek help. There's nothing wrong with that. I'll say it again, there's nothing wrong with that, wanting to get help and feel better and be able to live your life as your best self. The only reason that makes sense to me for you "sabotaging" your attempts is because you really don't want to die. I hope you get everything sorted out and find the peace you deserve one way or another. Good luck.

Thanks. I think those times before, I wasn't really 100% sure it was what I wanted. But this time feels different. I guess the only way to find out is to do it and see if I sabotage this. If I don't, I get to CTB. And if I do, I'll get help. Thank you for helping me figure things out :)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I guess the only way to find out is to do it and see if I sabotage this. If I don't, I get to CTB. And if I do, I'll get help.

Sounds like win-win to me.

 

[UKscotty]

When we are truly ready to CTB we lose all concepts and concerns for the future.
Jobs can be quit, ties closed with people etc. There will be no cries for help etc.

Until we are at that point we are not ready in my view. We may think we are or want it but changing that to being ready and carrying it out can take decades.

Be gentle on yourself, when you are ready you will know.