I feel like I self sabotage myself constantly making it impossible to be happy.
If something is going well I ruin it. If I overcome and obstacle I create a new one. When someone loves me I push them away. When I fuck something up I make sure to have a full mental breakdown and go and fuck some more things up to make it even more difficult to claw back from both situationally and mentally. I've almost lost everything before and then I made sure to fuck it up even better the next time.
Why do I do this?
What kinds of self sabotaging shit do you do?
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Celerity, waitingforrest, Chinchilla and 12 others
- Sabotaging therapy options (which didn't work anyway)
- Not showing up at work without calling anyone, which got me fired (10 years ago, now I'm on disability)
- Did LSD and other drugs which fucked me up although I knew my mother suffered from schizophrenia which would put me on a high risk of psychosis
- Watched way too much porn for years, still relapsing sometimes
- Spending money on nothing, sometimes I just drive car for no reason, just to waste gas, although I'm 35K+ in debt
- like you described I burned bridges to people so hardly that I'm sure there are people who really hate me for hurting them, but I couldn't stop because I was full of rage
Reactions:
waitingforrest, eternalflame, Pubert and 1 other person
oh well after a million online quizzes and reading up on BPD thats me 100%. I always wondered why I could only make myself happy for so long before destroying whatever the good thing was. I wish I knew this years ago and got help before everything was in the toilet.
- I alienate myself from people who appreciate me.
- I don't mind helping others, I do it willingly and I like it, but I refuse to let others help me.
- I often do without doctors when I feel unwell or do not follow the treatments they give me.
- I have been intentionally eating badly for 4 years: I stopped eating dinner and eating properly (I don't eat fruits, vegetables or fish, only pasta, meat - chicken and ham -, legumes, toasted bread, fresh cheese, rice, olive oil and water). I have quite a few deficiencies because of this (folic acid, B12, etc...).
- I need new glasses, I have gone from 3 diopters to 9 and I always make excuses for not getting them, but apart from that I strain my eyesight, I cross my eyes and make double images or I put some glasses on top of others ... I'm screwing up my eyes. ... I'm intentionally screwing it up.
- I don't want to leave the house, I often punish myself for stupid things by eating even less and sometimes I stop talking to my mother.
- I didn't want to get the Covid vaccination.
- I have cancelled the pink card
- I will not renew my subscription to the subsidized apartments of my municipality.
- I don't think I will renew my unemployment registration either.
- Sometimes I think, but I restrain myself, to ask for the waiver of my non-contributory disability pension.
- I don't think I can really work, although until a few years ago I used to think that it was possible for me to work.
- I don't shower often, shave or cut my hair as often as I should.
- I don't read books or play games on the console, I limit myself to the purely passive leisure of watching TV (movies and series) or listening to music.
- I'm 1'77 cm tall and I weigh 72 kg... I thought that after two years of pandemic I would put on weight, but I don't gain much weight.
- I eat at the table alone and I don't accept food cooked by other people. Not even at Christmas, I'm a zero celebrator.
- I want to leave home to live somewhere else knowing that I am not able to live alone because sometimes I block myself and I do not know how to continue, putting myself in danger due to self-care in certain circumstances (such as a flu or salmonella) ... that is, I could easily die unintentionally for reasons that most people would know how to solve.
- I dropped out of a CFGS in Illustration that I was doing quite well (I only did the first year).
- I cancelled several times enrollments in University Degrees when I was already accepted (one of Animation, another of Physics, also of Fine Arts, as well as one of Videogames and finally one of Computer Engineering).
- And I'm sure I'm leaving many more things by the way...
But... what I feel most bad about is the fear of being happy. And the most serious self-sabotage I have done so far is the following:
Taking advantage of the excuse of a strong argument with the person I love most in this world to end the relationship abruptly, and all for the fear of continuing to relate to that person.
Tinc una llaaaarga llista d'autosabotejament:
- M'allunyo de la gent que m'aprecia.
- No m'importa ajudar als altres, ho faig de bont grat i m'agrada però rebutjo frontalment que els altres m'ajudin a mi
- Prescindeixo sovint dels metges quan em trobo malament o no segueixo els tractaments que em donen.
- Menjo malament intencionadament desde fa 4 anys: vaig deixar de sopar i alimentar-me de de forma adequada (no prenc ni fruites ni verdures ni peix, només pasta, carn -pollastre i pernil-, llegums, pa torrat, formatge fresc, arrós, oli d'oliva i aigua). Tinc força carències a causa d'això (àcid fólic, B12, etc...).
- Necessito ulleres noves, he passat de 3 diòptries a 9 i sempre poso excuses per no fer-me-les, però a part forço la vista, em dona per creuar els ulls i fer imatges dobles o em poso unes ulleres sobre les altres... me l'estic fotent intencionadament.
- No vull sortir de casa, em castigo sovint per bajanades menjant encara menys i de vegades deixant de parlar amb ma mare.
- No m'he volgut vacunar de la Covid
- He donat de baixa la targeta rosa
- No renovaré la meva suscripció als pisos de protecció oficial de l'Ajuntament de Barcelona
- Crec que tampoc renovaré la meva inscripció a l'atur
- De vegades penso, pero em refreno, en demanar la renúncia a cobrar la meva pensió no contributiva per discapacitat
- No crec que pugui treballar realment tot i que fins fa pocs anys li posava moltes pegues i crec que era possible que treballés
- No em dutxo sovint, ni m'afeito ni em tallo el cabell com caldría
- No llegeixo llibres, ni jugo a la consola, em limito a l'oci purament passiu de veure la televisió (películes i séries) o escoltar música.
- Mesuro 1'77 cm d'alçada i peso 72 Kg... pensaba que després de dos anys de pandémia m'engreixería, però no pujo gaire de pes.
- Dino a taula sol i no accepto el menjar que cuinin altres persones. Ni per Nadal, sóc cero celebracions.
- M'en vull anar de casa a viure a un altre lloc sabent que no sóc capaç de viure sol perquè de vegades em bloquejo i no se seguir, posant-me en perill degut a l'autocura en determinades circumstàncies (com una grip o una salmonel·la)... és a dir, podría morir fàcilment de manera no intencionada per causes que la majoría de la gent sabría resoldre.
- Vaig deixar els estudis d'un CFGS d'Il·lustració que m'anava força bé (només vaig fer el primer any)
- Vaig anul·lar diverses vegades matriculacions a Graus universitaris quan ja estava acceptat (un d'Animació, un altre de Física, també de Belles Arts, així com també un de Videojocs i finalment un d'Enginyeria Informàtica)
- I de segur que em deixo moltes més coses pel camí...
Però però... el que em sap més greu de tot és la por a ser feliç. I l'autosabotejament més greu que he fet fins ara és el següent:
Aprofitar l'excusa d'una forta discusió amb la persona que més m'estimo d'aquest món per acabar amb la relació de forma abrupta, i tot per la por a seguir relacionant-me amb aquesta persona.
Tengo una laaaarga lista de autosaboteamiento:
- Me alejo de la gente que me aprecia.
- No me importa ayudar a los demás, lo hago de buen grado y me gusta pero rechazo frontalmente que los demás me ayuden a mí
- Prescindo a menudo de los médicos cuando me encuentro mal o no sigo los tratamientos que me dan.
- Como mal intencionadamente desde hace 4 años: dejé de cenar y alimentarme de forma adecuada (no tomo ni frutas ni verduras ni pescado, sólo pasta, carne -pollo y jamón-, legumbres, pan tostado, queso fresco, arroz , aceite de oliva y agua). Tengo bastantes carencias debido a esto (ácido fólico, B12, etc...).
- Necesito gafas nuevas, he pasado de 3 dioptrías a 9 y siempre pongo excusas para no hacérmelas, pero aparte fuerzo la vista, me da para cruzar los ojos y hacer imágenes dobles o me pongo unas gafas sobre otras. .. me la estoy jodiendo intencionadamente.
- No quiero salir de casa, me castigo a menudo por tonterias comiendo aún menos y a veces dejando de hablar con mi madre.
- No he querido vacunarme de Covid
- He dado de baja la tarjeta rosa
- No renovaré mi suscripción en los pisos de protección oficial de mi ayuntamiento
- Creo que tampoco renovaré mi inscripción en el paro
- A veces pienso, pero me refreno, en pedir la renuncia a cobrar mi pensión no contributiva por discapacidad
- No creo que pueda trabajar realmente aunque hasta hace pocos años le ponía muchas pegas y creo que era posible que trabajara
- No me ducho a menudo, ni me afeito ni me corto el pelo como haría falta
- No leo libros, ni juego a la consola, me limito al ocio puramente pasivo de ver la televisión (películas y series) o escuchar música.
- Mido 1'77 cm de altura y peso 72 Kg... pensaba que después de dos años de pandemia me engordaría, pero no subo mucho de peso.
- Como en la mesa solo y no acepto la comida que cocinan otras personas. Ni en Navidad, soy cero celebraciones.
- Quiero irme de casa a vivir a otro lugar sabiendo que no soy capaz de vivir solo porque a veces me bloqueo y no se seguir, poniéndome en peligro debido al autocuidado en determinadas circunstancias (como una gripe o una salmonela)... es decir, podría morir fácilmente de forma no intencionada por causas que la mayoría de la gente sabría resolver.
- Dejé los estudios de un CFGS de Ilustración que me iba bastante bien (solo hice el primer año)
- Anulé varias veces matriculaciones en Grados universitarios cuando ya estaba aceptado (uno de Animación, otro de Física, también de Bellas Artes, así como uno de Videojuegos y finalmente uno de Ingeniería Informática)
- Y seguro que me dejo muchas más cosas por el camino...
Pero... lo que más me sabe mal es el miedo a ser feliz. Y el autosaboteamiento más grave que he hecho hasta ahora es el siguiente:
Aprovechar la excusa de una fuerte discusión con la persona que más quiero de este mundo para acabar con la relación de forma abrupta, y todo por el miedo a seguir relacionándome con esa persona.
Last edited:
Reactions:
waitingforrest, Chinchilla, Isisnefert and 5 others
- I alienate myself from people who appreciate me.
- I don't mind helping others, I do it willingly and I like it, but I refuse to let others help me.
- I often do without doctors when I feel unwell or do not follow the treatments they give me.
- I have been intentionally eating badly for 4 years: I stopped eating dinner and eating properly (I don't eat fruits, vegetables or fish, only pasta, meat - chicken and ham -, legumes, toasted bread, fresh cheese, rice, olive oil and water). I have quite a few deficiencies because of this (folic acid, B12, etc...).
- I need new glasses, I have gone from 3 diopters to 9 and I always make excuses for not getting them, but apart from that I strain my eyesight, I cross my eyes and make double images or I put some glasses on top of others ... I'm screwing up my eyes. ... I'm intentionally screwing it up.
- I don't want to leave the house, I often punish myself for stupid things by eating even less and sometimes I stop talking to my mother.
- I didn't want to get the Covid vaccination.
- I have cancelled the pink card
- I will not renew my subscription to the subsidized apartments of my municipality.
- I don't think I will renew my unemployment registration either.
- Sometimes I think, but I restrain myself, to ask for the waiver of my non-contributory disability pension.
- I don't think I can really work, although until a few years ago I used to think that it was possible for me to work.
- I don't shower often, shave or cut my hair as often as I should.
- I don't read books or play games on the console, I limit myself to the purely passive leisure of watching TV (movies and series) or listening to music.
- I'm 1'77 cm tall and I weigh 72 kg... I thought that after two years of pandemic I would put on weight, but I don't gain much weight.
- I eat at the table alone and I don't accept food cooked by other people. Not even at Christmas, I'm a zero celebrator.
- I want to leave home to live somewhere else knowing that I am not able to live alone because sometimes I block myself and I do not know how to continue, putting myself in danger due to self-care in certain circumstances (such as a flu or salmonella) ... that is, I could easily die unintentionally for reasons that most people would know how to solve.
- I dropped out of a CFGS in Illustration that I was doing quite well (I only did the first year).
- I cancelled several times enrollments in University Degrees when I was already accepted (one of Animation, another of Physics, also of Fine Arts, as well as one of Videogames and finally one of Computer Engineering).
- And I'm sure I'm leaving many more things by the way...
But... what I feel most bad about is the fear of being happy. And the most serious self-sabotage I have done so far is the following:
Taking advantage of the excuse of a strong argument with the person I love most in this world to end the relationship abruptly, and all for the fear of continuing to relate to that person.
Tinc una llaaaarga llista d'autosabotejament:
- M'allunyo de la gent que m'aprecia.
- No m'importa ajudar als altres, ho faig de bont grat i m'agrada però rebutjo frontalment que els altres m'ajudin a mi
- Prescindeixo sovint dels metges quan em trobo malament o no segueixo els tractaments que em donen.
- Menjo malament intencionadament desde fa 4 anys: vaig deixar de sopar i alimentar-me de de forma adequada (no prenc ni fruites ni verdures ni peix, només pasta, carn -pollastre i pernil-, llegums, pa torrat, formatge fresc, arrós, oli d'oliva i aigua). Tinc força carències a causa d'això (àcid fólic, B12, etc...).
- Necessito ulleres noves, he passat de 3 diòptries a 9 i sempre poso excuses per no fer-me-les, però a part forço la vista, em dona per creuar els ulls i fer imatges dobles o em poso unes ulleres sobre les altres... me l'estic fotent intencionadament.
- No vull sortir de casa, em castigo sovint per bajanades menjant encara menys i de vegades deixant de parlar amb ma mare.
- No m'he volgut vacunar de la Covid
- He donat de baixa la targeta rosa
- No renovaré la meva suscripció als pisos de protecció oficial de l'Ajuntament de Barcelona
- Crec que tampoc renovaré la meva inscripció a l'atur
- De vegades penso, pero em refreno, en demanar la renúncia a cobrar la meva pensió no contributiva per discapacitat
- No crec que pugui treballar realment tot i que fins fa pocs anys li posava moltes pegues i crec que era possible que treballés
- No em dutxo sovint, ni m'afeito ni em tallo el cabell com caldría
- No llegeixo llibres, ni jugo a la consola, em limito a l'oci purament passiu de veure la televisió (películes i séries) o escoltar música.
- Mesuro 1'77 cm d'alçada i peso 72 Kg... pensaba que després de dos anys de pandémia m'engreixería, però no pujo gaire de pes.
- Dino a taula sol i no accepto el menjar que cuinin altres persones. Ni per Nadal, sóc cero celebracions.
- M'en vull anar de casa a viure a un altre lloc sabent que no sóc capaç de viure sol perquè de vegades em bloquejo i no se seguir, posant-me en perill degut a l'autocura en determinades circumstàncies (com una grip o una salmonel·la)... és a dir, podría morir fàcilment de manera no intencionada per causes que la majoría de la gent sabría resoldre.
- Vaig deixar els estudis d'un CFGS d'Il·lustració que m'anava força bé (només vaig fer el primer any)
- Vaig anul·lar diverses vegades matriculacions a Graus universitaris quan ja estava acceptat (un d'Animació, un altre de Física, també de Belles Arts, així com també un de Videojocs i finalment un d'Enginyeria Informàtica)
- I de segur que em deixo moltes més coses pel camí...
Però però... el que em sap més greu de tot és la por a ser feliç. I l'autosabotejament més greu que he fet fins ara és el següent:
Aprofitar l'excusa d'una forta discusió amb la persona que més m'estimo d'aquest món per acabar amb la relació de forma abrupta, i tot per la por a seguir relacionant-me amb aquesta persona.
Tengo una laaaarga lista de autosaboteamiento:
- Me alejo de la gente que me aprecia.
- No me importa ayudar a los demás, lo hago de buen grado y me gusta pero rechazo frontalmente que los demás me ayuden a mí
- Prescindo a menudo de los médicos cuando me encuentro mal o no sigo los tratamientos que me dan.
- Como mal intencionadamente desde hace 4 años: dejé de cenar y alimentarme de forma adecuada (no tomo ni frutas ni verduras ni pescado, sólo pasta, carne -pollo y jamón-, legumbres, pan tostado, queso fresco, arroz , aceite de oliva y agua). Tengo bastantes carencias debido a esto (ácido fólico, B12, etc...).
- Necesito gafas nuevas, he pasado de 3 dioptrías a 9 y siempre pongo excusas para no hacérmelas, pero aparte fuerzo la vista, me da para cruzar los ojos y hacer imágenes dobles o me pongo unas gafas sobre otras. .. me la estoy jodiendo intencionadamente.
- No quiero salir de casa, me castigo a menudo por tonterias comiendo aún menos ya veces dejando de hablar con mi madre.
- No he querido vacunarme de Covid
- He dado de baja la tarjeta rosa
- No renovaré mi suscripción en los pisos de protección oficial de mi ayuntamiento
- Creo que tampoco renovaré mi inscripción en paro
- A veces pienso, pero me refreno, al pedir la renuncia a cobrar mi pensión no contributiva por discapacidad
- No creo que pueda trabajar realmente aunque hasta hace pocos años le ponía muchas pegas y creo que era posible que trabajara
- No me ducho a menudo, ni me afeito ni me corto el cabello como haría falta
- No leo libros, ni juego en la consola, me limito al ocio puramente pasivo de ver la televisión (películas y series) o escuchar música.
- Mido 1'77 cm de altura y peso 72 Kg... pensaba que después de dos años de pandemia me engordaría, pero no subo mucho de peso.
- Como en la mesa solo y no acepto la comida que cocinan otras personas. Ni en Navidad, soy cero celebraciones.
- Quiero irme de casa a vivir a otro lugar sabiendo que no soy capaz de vivir solo porque a veces me bloqueo y no se seguir, poniéndome en peligro debido al autocuidado en determinadas circunstancias (como una gripe o una salmonela)... es decir, podría morir fácilmente de forma no intencionada por causas que la mayoría de la gente sabría resolver.
- Dejé los estudios de un CFGS de Ilustración que me iba bastante bien (solo hice el primer año)
- Anulé varias veces matriculaciones en Grados universitarios cuando ya estaba aceptado (uno de Animación, otro de Física, también de Bellas Artes, así como uno de Videojuegos y finalmente uno de Ingeniería Informática)
- Y seguro que me dejo muchas más cosas por el camino...
Pero... lo que más me sabe mal es el miedo a ser feliz. Y el autosaboteamiento más grave que he hecho hasta ahora es el siguiente:
Aprovechar la excusa de una fuerte discusión con la persona que más quiero de este mundo para acabar con la relación de forma abrupta, y todo por el miedo a seguir relacionándome con esa persona.
I personally think that it is only a matter of self-esteem to generate more confidence in myself to not be afraid to live with more intensity the relationships with other people, since at the end of the day the suffering I feel when relating to others has ended up leading to a self-rejection for not being able to adapt to social reality and I guess I reproach and punish myself for that.
I already think about it, but I need more energy to get ahead.
//CATALAN
Jo personalment penso que només és qüestió d'auotestima per generar més confiança en mi mateix per tal de no tenir por a viure amb una mica més d'intensitat les relacions amb d'altres persones, ja que al cap i al fi el patiment que sento a relacionar-me amb els demés ha acabat desembocant amb el temps en un autorebuig per no ser capaç d'adaptar-me a la realitat social i suposo que m'ho retrec i em castigo per això.
Ja hi penso de vegades ja, però necessito més energía per sortir-me'n.
//SPANISH
Yo personalmente pienso que sólo es cuestión de autoestima para generar más confianza en mí mismo para no tener miedo a vivir con algo más de intensidad las relaciones con otras personas, ya que al fin y al cabo el sufrimiento que siento a relacionarme con los demás ha acabado desembocando con el tiempo en un autorrechazo por no ser capaz de adaptarme a la realidad social y supongo que me lo reprocho y me castigo por eso.
Ya pienso en ello ya, pero necesito más energía para salir adelante.
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waitingforrest, Chinchilla, Isisnefert and 1 other person
Self sabotage is why I'm here. I've messed my life up completely. I had a a great job that I was made for and was in a relationship with an amazing woman. I had a nice affordable place to live in a city I loved. I had a beautiful cat and I was making more than enough money to live, travel, and have a good life.
I ended up throwing it all away for a woman I met online.
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waitingforrest, Chinchilla, Ashu and 6 others
Sad to hear the things you do to yourselves... And to relato to so many because I do that, too!
Many of my points were already named. I would like to add that sometimes I eat nothing or very little, so that I get to hurt my body, plus I get dizzy and nauseous and do not feel the world so much.
Picklemick , I hope you can manage your BPD and live a happier life, now that you have your label! There are well established treatments for BPD. Be aware that some healthcare providers carry strong bias against people with BPD, though.
Sad to hear the things you do to yourselves... And to relato to so many because I do that, too!
Many of my points were already named. I would like to add that sometimes I eat nothing or very little, so that I get to hurt my body, plus I get dizzy and nauseous and do not feel the world so much.
my career and lifestyle are important to me but i am constantly fighting myself, the alters who care are not present right now, trying to keep myself well fed so i stop losing weight & stable enough to be present for my next on call shift
things i do now
* neglecting my relationships with family
* splitting on my boss, coworkers, partner, parents, family
* drugs (dissociatives)
* withdrawing from communities i want to be a part of
* not doing things that would make my life significantly better, there are things i could do right now
* not doing any work tasks
things i have done very recently
* undereating (trying to recover now)
* spending a lot of money so i have a nice place to live
things i did in the past
* drugs (stimulants)
* more drugs (psychedelics)
* more stimulants
* drinking
* spending too much money on stuff that didn't matter
* spending all my savings
* ghosting jobs
* not getting medical treatment when i should have
* ghosting family (to my own detriment)
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waitingforrest, Chinchilla, abyss and 3 others
my career and lifestyle are important to me but i am constantly fighting myself, the alters who care are not present right now, trying to keep myself well fed so i stop losing weight & stable enough to be present for my next on call shift
things i do now
* neglecting my relationships with family
* splitting on my boss, coworkers, partner, parents, family
* drugs (dissociatives)
* withdrawing from communities i want to be a part of
* not doing things that would make my life significantly better, there are things i could do right now
* not doing any work tasks
things i have done very recently
* undereating (trying to recover now)
* spending a lot of money so i have a nice place to live
things i did in the past
* drugs (stimulants)
* more drugs (psychedelics)
* more stimulants
* drinking
* spending too much money on stuff that didn't matter
* spending all my savings
* ghosting jobs
* not getting medical treatment when i should have
* ghosting family (to my own detriment)
Yup this is me. I actually manage to keep the appearance of my life together on the outside. But I fuck so much up. Or I fuck it up and then have to work extra hard to repair it.
I know exactly the activities I need to do to be happy. I know I need to not drink. I know the relationships I need to nourish. I know that a clean house is comforting. I know that nature makes me happy. I know I am lucky to have the job I have and make the money I make.
BUT... I go ahead and get in these moods where I do the opposite of all those things half the time. Then Im in this hole trying to fix it all and its overwhelming. Endless cycle of sabotage and salvage.
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waitingforrest, abyss, JealousOfTheElderly and 2 others
I self sabotage by engaging in behavior that I know is going to bite me in the ass later. Like procrastinating to the extreme that I barely did any work for a month (I work from home) knowing full well I'd have no reason to give to my employer later when they asked about my progress. I just couldn't make myself do it so I'd shut off and sleep for 13 hours or scroll my phone while feeling like shit. I would also "punish" myself by withdrawing food, because I'd feel like I didn't "deserve to eat" especially after not having done anything for the day. For weeks and weeks and weeks. Can't say I've broken out of that shell even now but I'm desperately trying to get my shit together every day.
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ryo the frog, quiet.rabbit, waitingforrest and 1 other person
I personally think that it is only a matter of self-esteem to generate more confidence in myself to not be afraid to live with more intensity the relationships with other people, since at the end of the day the suffering I feel when relating to others has ended up leading to a self-rejection for not being able to adapt to social reality and I guess I reproach and punish myself for that.
I already think about it, but I need more energy to get ahead.
//CATALAN
Jo personalment penso que només és qüestió d'auotestima per generar més confiança en mi mateix per tal de no tenir por a viure amb una mica més d'intensitat les relacions amb d'altres persones, ja que al cap i al fi el patiment que sento a relacionar-me amb els demés ha acabat desembocant amb el temps en un autorebuig per no ser capaç d'adaptar-me a la realitat social i suposo que m'ho retrec i em castigo per això.
Ja hi penso de vegades ja, però necessito més energía per sortir-me'n.
//SPANISH
Yo personalmente pienso que sólo es cuestión de autoestima para generar más confianza en mí mismo para no tener miedo a vivir con algo más de intensidad las relaciones con otras personas, ya que al fin y al cabo el sufrimiento que siento a relacionarme con los demás ha acabado desembocando con el tiempo en un autorrechazo por no ser capaz de adaptarme a la realidad social y supongo que me lo reprocho y me castigo por eso.
Ya pienso en ello ya, pero necesito más energía para salir adelante.
You speak 3 languages fluently... that is amazing! Wow!
I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I compare myself to people who are millionaires and have phds, doctors, lawyers, own their own companies, are C level executives, and I hate myself for not being as successful as them. I feel like a dumb loser.
Sure, that may sound ridiculous but I don't know how to stop being jealous of these people.
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waitingforrest, je.suis.prêt and Dead Ghost
Self sabotage is why I'm here. I've messed my life up completely. I had a a great job that I was made for and was in a relationship with an amazing woman. I had a nice affordable place to live in a city I loved. I had a beautiful cat and I was making more than enough money to live, travel, and have a good life.
I ended up throwing it all away for a woman I met online.
What drove you to do so? Were you in love with the new woman and just risked it all, or was it borderline related?
I'm curious cause I've done similar things.
I think that sometimes it affects that, unconsciously... I think the world is against me, the world doesn't want me to be happy: university, my parents, friends and situations...
Although I try not to think about it, because I always think about many things and have bipolar emotions.
You speak 3 languages fluently... that is amazing! Wow!
I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I compare myself to people who are millionaires and have phds, doctors, lawyers, own their own companies, are C level executives, and I hate myself for not being as successful as them. I feel like a dumb loser.
Sure, that may sound ridiculous but I don't know how to stop being jealous of these people.
No no, I don't speak three languages. I only speak Catalan and Spanish, since I am from Spain, specifically Catalonia. I know little English and I keep fighting with web translators. I usually translate from Catalan to English directly but if something is strange (because I do know some English vocabulary) I have to take a different translator that doesn't understand Catalan and I have to translate it to Spanish before translating it to English.
So I normally use three translators: Bing to read this website, Google to write messages and DeepL Translator to translate them from Spanish to English.
But they don't work miracles and sometimes I don't reply to messages because the translator often plays tricks on me and I don't understand anything I read (besides, sometimes users write in a clipped form -perhaps from their mobile phones- and that is technically untranslatable).
And sometimes I even switch to other languages just to understand some expressions like "LOL", which I now know means "hahahaha".
You see, intelligence is not so much knowing things as the fact of creating resources out of nothing to succeed in certain situations.
No no, no parlo pas tres idiomes. Només el català y el castellà, ja que sóc d'Espanya, concretament de Catalunya. De l'anglés en se ben poc i no paro de barallar-me amb els traductors web. Acostumo a traduïr del català a l'anglés directament però si alguna cosa queda estranya (perquè una mica de vocabulari d'anglés si que en se) he d'agafar un traductor diferent que no entén el català i ho he de passar al castellà abans de passar-ho a l'anglés.
Així que uso normalment tres traductors: Per llegir aquesta web el de Bing, per escriure els missatges el de Google i per passarlos del castellà a l'anglés el DeepL Translator.
Però no fan miracles i de vegades em quedo sense respondre missatges perquè el traductor me la juga sovint i no entenc res del que llegeixo (a més de vegades els usuaris escriuen de forma retallada -potser desde el mòbil- i això és tècnicament intraduïble).
I de vegades fins i tot passo a d'altres idiomes només per entendre algunes expresions com "LOL", que ara ja se que vol dir "jajajaja".
Veus, la inteligéncia no es tan saber coses com el fet de crear-te recursos del no res per ensortir-te'n en segons quines situacions.
Thank you for your words, they encourage me. I don't have higher education and I haven't worked for years, so I'm not one of those successful people you talked about either. But I'm not jealous of these people, I stopped looking at what others achieved a long time ago and started to focus more on myself, it's much more satisfying to see your own progress than others.
//
Gràcies per les teves paraules, m'animen. Jo no tinc pas estudis superiors i fa anys que no treballo, així que tampoc sóc una d'aquestes persones exitoses de les que has parlat. Pero no estic pas gelós d'aquestes persones, ja fa molt de temps que vaig deixar de fixar-me en el que aconseguien els altres i vaig començar a centrar-me mes en mi mateix, es molt mes satisfactori veure els teus propis progressos que no els aliens.
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waitingforrest, Isisnefert and JealousOfTheElderly
I consistently self sabotage and yet it happens so often it feels out of my own control. It's like whenever I'm truly about make some sort of breakthrough and develop for the better, a primal demon within forces me to change course and go back to being cruel and hateful towards the beings who wronged me in my past, most of whom are also me.
For example sometimes when I'm driving towards somewhere I need to be, my mind turns itself off and my autopilot sinisterly outright denies taking the fastest path and will make me miss an exit on purpose just to make me late. Other times like if I'm working on like a resume or something my brain shuts down when it's already close to completing it and just gives up and moves on to something else until by the time I remember it's already too late.
I've always felt like there is a presence with me sabotaging me who is in fact another me. I can never tell which one I am or whether he's doing it out of pure malice or simply because I was the one who sabotaged him at some point. All I know is that for my life to change, I have to kill him before he kills me first.
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waitingforrest, Isisnefert and JealousOfTheElderly
I am self-analyzing myself (I have to do it from time to time, I don't blame myself) and I found that there is a common point in all the actions I have been doing this August:
- I "forgot" to renew my unemployment registration.
- I "forgot" to renew the registration in the register of applicants for official protection flats.
- I stopped taking almonds.
- I stopped eating cheese.
- I have reduced the amount of chicken breast I eat.
Somehow I'm hiding these things from myself, that you don't quite know how they happen but that tickle your head as if something isn't right.
If I think about the rest of the year there are two key factors as well:
- I have broken up with a person I love very much.
- I have not renewed the pink card that allows free use of public transport.
And I think these next three months are going to be pretty similar. I'm thinking of not renewing the disability pension... but I don't know why.
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M'estic autoanalitzant (ho he de fer de quant en quant, no m'en refío de mi) i he trobat que hi ha un punt comú en totes les accions que he estic fent aquest mes d'Agost:
- M'he "oblidat" de renovar la inscripció a l'atur.
- M'he "oblidat" de renovar la inscripció al registre de solicitants de pisos de protecció oficial.
- He deixat de prendre ametlles.
- He deixat de prendre formatgets.
- He rebaixat la quantitat de pit de pollastre que menjo.
D'alguna manera m'estic amagant a mi mateix aquestes coses, que no saps ben bé com passen pero que et fan pessigolles al cap com si alguna cosa no anés pas bé.
Si penso en la resta de l'any hi ha dos factors claus també:
- He trencat relacions amb una persona que m'estimo molt.
- No he renovat la targeta rosa que permet gratuïtat en l'ús del transport públic.
I crec que aquests propers tres mesos seràn força semblants. Estic pensant de no renovar la pensió de discapacitat.. pero no se pas per què.
Self harm, both explicitly and not. I don't take care of my health - have diabetes, don't bother watching what I eat. Currently struggling with vision issues and have no plans to make an appointment, even though it could threaten my sight in one eye.
I don't reach out to friends or family. I stopped going to therapy almost a year ago. I only sometimes take my meds. I have such a hard time concentrating and I think I'm losing my sense of self but I don't even have the focus to dwell on that.
And most of the time, I don't care about any of it. If any bad luck happens by my inaction, well, that's one more step towards my departure, right?
And yet, sometimes, fleetingly, I have moments of clarity. Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by how happy a show makes me, or how pretty the sky is, and the feeling is so unfamiliar now that it makes me pause, just for a moment. It makes me want to improve myself, to regain myself. ...but, then I sabotage again, out of fear, or apathy, or anger, and I'm back where I started.
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