Throughout my life, any time anyone saw my self harm marks, they either laughed at me or simply said, "okay did that solve your problem?"
No, they are not supposed to solve my problems. But I feel like when I cut myself, the pain on my body overpowers the pain in my chest. I have a lot of pent-up emotions that I kept within myself for many years. From being a loud, lively child to becoming the most quite, fragile adult. Life has crushed me. People have crushed me, and anger or standing up for myself was something I could never do.
And so I inflict it onto myself. I pull up the blade of an anti-cutter and I've been slitting my legs and hands for years. The pain inside me is so overwhelming that I go hard on myself, loosing all senses. There have been instances where I was taken to the hospital because the bleeding won't stop.
Then after a lot of mockery and laughter, the doctors would say, "If it (the anti-cutter) reached this layer, you could have died instantly." Or, "If you didn't come right now, we would have needed to cut off your whole hand later because it would've rotted with time if left untreated."
But self harming itself makes me feel calm for a little while. I write this because I want to cut myself right now but there is no weapon on me, and this is making me more and more frustrated. Today, I've been thinking about CTB a lot. I deeply believe that within next year I will kill myself because there is no point in living a life that is so full of constant pain, loss, and misery.
No, they are not supposed to solve my problems. But I feel like when I cut myself, the pain on my body overpowers the pain in my chest. I have a lot of pent-up emotions that I kept within myself for many years. From being a loud, lively child to becoming the most quite, fragile adult. Life has crushed me. People have crushed me, and anger or standing up for myself was something I could never do.
And so I inflict it onto myself. I pull up the blade of an anti-cutter and I've been slitting my legs and hands for years. The pain inside me is so overwhelming that I go hard on myself, loosing all senses. There have been instances where I was taken to the hospital because the bleeding won't stop.
Then after a lot of mockery and laughter, the doctors would say, "If it (the anti-cutter) reached this layer, you could have died instantly." Or, "If you didn't come right now, we would have needed to cut off your whole hand later because it would've rotted with time if left untreated."
But self harming itself makes me feel calm for a little while. I write this because I want to cut myself right now but there is no weapon on me, and this is making me more and more frustrated. Today, I've been thinking about CTB a lot. I deeply believe that within next year I will kill myself because there is no point in living a life that is so full of constant pain, loss, and misery.
