Self Harm Thread

[MeltedJello]

I started cutting myself quite a bit for relief & distraction from my thoughts when I was 18. Been clean for 3 years after showing my mom my scars, however, I relapsed and got back into it just a month ago. Last time I cut was last week. I'm going to ctb anyway, so I don't care anymore what anyone thinks. Cutting has always provided the best relief for me whenever I'm in a bad mood, or when I wish to feel something other than emptiness. I feel like I deserve it sometimes as I am a failure & just a burden on my parents.

 

[TheHatedOne]

DAE self harm themselves in other ways than cutting? (like punching or hitting one's head on the wall for example).

When i was around 16 during and after a traumatic experience i used to self harm by cutting. I gave up on cutting but nowadays I Have anotehr methods to self harm, I think I deserve the suffering im causing ti myself.

 

[Soulless Angel]

DAE self harm themselves in other ways than cutting? (like punching or hitting one's head on the wall for example).

When i was around 16 during and after a traumatic experience i used to self harm by cutting. I gave up on cutting but nowadays I Have anotehr methods to self harm, I think I deserve the suffering im causing ti myself.

No one deserves it but I relate to these words if that makes any sense?
I have taken to bruising the top of my thigh, the pain last longer, for me this is a good thing

One thing I have noticed, a lot of tik toks I see which talk of being in pysc units etc, all seem to have lumps or damage to their foreheads, do they head butt walls or something? the marks are always in same place, similar style too,

 

[Mistake of Nature]

The self-hate and grief over the life I'll never have is too much. I don't know how to live with this pain and it won't stop hurting. I need to die so badly.

I finally cut my face after having wanted to for so long. There was a lot of blood despite the few number of cuts and their shallow depth.

Spoiler

DAE self harm themselves in other ways than cutting? (like punching or hitting one's head on the wall for example).

Yes, I sometimes punch my head and have also burned in the past. Occasionally I starve myself too.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Just checking in
How you all holding up

 

[Crimsonghost3]

I remember trying cutting out when I was younger because I had a friend who told me it worked for him. Saw some scars talked to him about what he used ect I remember one time I tried it wasn't upset was just curious what it was like did it was like nope fuck that. Some time later had a breakdown the idea popped into my head to try to relieve something did it and really have been addicted since. That was when I was 14 or so im 29 now and it comes and goes. Everyone has told me so much how ugly my arm is because of all the cuts from parents to everyone I've dated which is always like hey thanks I've been doing it for half my life so kinda too late to change it now but thanks for putting me down for it when I can't do anything about it. A lot of days my head screams very much like an addiction to do it and most days I won't but I know if I start getting really bad to just do it get the release or if my head gets too loud.

 

[YMN]

I've been cutting myself since I was, I want to say, 15 or 16. I've have phases where I stop cutting for varying periods of time. But recently I relapsed due to college stress. At first (when I was a teen) I used a spare razor head I stole from my dad. I couldn't get the plastic mold to rip open so I wasn't able to use each blade individually, and had to rub it hard against my skin to get a cut. I could've used a knife, but the idea of accidentally going too deep with one scared me into not trying it. But last year I was breaking down on my college's campus and I impulsively bought an exacto-knife from the student store. It's way more effective than the razor head. I have a better grip on it and it cuts deeper with less effort. It calms me down better than anything else and I get a kind of "high" off it in a way. I do it when my depressive and suicidal thoughts get bad or I'm really stressed or upset. Part of me feels ashamed for it, but I have nothing better.

 

[JinZhin]

I've been cutting myself since my late teens, not even sure how it began, I have some noticeable scars o but I tell myself it's not really major... -__
When I was a kid I used to try to punch myself and slam my head into the wall and generally bruise myself.
Afterwards I developed a full blown ED, which consumed most of my life for quite a long time, and it still kinda does but not as much .
I do swing around and hit myself in the head at time using very heavy and thick books, mostly with one of my analysis textbooks that is roughly 700 pages... quite a thick, nice, old math book. Feels suitable. It knocks you out quite fast.
When things get too much, my mind goes blank and before I know it, I'm left with the aftermath of what I did.

I don't like pain, but I always somehow end up doing it, even though I find it unsightly and futile, even cowardly, and am quite ashamed of it.

 

[Ch92921]

Did this as a teenager dont do this todsy. Still have have scarfs.

 

[YMN]

I (probably) failed an important exam for one of my classes. Which means I fail the class automatically. So I went into my department building's bathroom to take it out on myself.

Spoiler

I've always been a wuss and only cut shallow. But I wasn't getting enough out of it with just normal cutting this time, so I started to impale myself with the x-acto knife in the same spot (what that bigger pool of blood at the top is). It started bleeding a lot at first, but I guess I just cut into a blood vessel or something. I still feel like shit for being a failure though. But I had to stop because I was starting to get a lot of blood on the toilet seat. And yuck, gross biohazard.

 

[obliviousatbest]

Giving into my sh addiction again is the most liberating thing in the world. I ruined myself so much as a teen that I still crave it no matter how much time passes or better things get. It's a joke how much comfort it gives me compared to anything else. The og addiction.

 

[goldenholding003]

DAE self harm themselves in other ways than cutting? (like punching or hitting one's head on the wall for example).

When i was around 16 during and after a traumatic experience i used to self harm by cutting. I gave up on cutting but nowadays I Have anotehr methods to self harm, I think I deserve the suffering im causing ti myself.

Punching myself has been my favorite way lately. I always go through cycles. When one thing stops working I go to the next. Also piercing needles that are similar to what they use for injections are good for pokes and leave less of a mark and heal much quicker.

 

[Soulless Angel]

hows peeps doing, I havent' self harmed in a long time, not through lack of wanting, but literally never being left alone, its hell

 

[Chaestergram]

I started self harming when I was 8, what I still feel surprising is that I never heard of it before but I did it naturally, still to this day, 15 years later im doing it but I had stopped multiple times for years and I know I can stop it again at anytime but what I truly wish is to be able to cover my whole body with more tattoos to hide them, I accept them, don't even pay attention to it anymore but i rather cover with art then trying to erase a part of me.

Main reasons of it :

TW : sexual abuse, sex work, sex trafficking, stalking, eating disorder, self harm and else

I had been abused multiple time, physically and mentally, I guess I had one experience of bullying.

When I was a kid, around 8, I was sexually abused by my first stepfather until I reached 13, told it to my best friend at that time that contacted the child protection service. The only somehow "good" thing that happened is that my stepfather didn't denied and confessed during the trial.

After that I got sexually assaulted 4 different time, one was when I was going out around 14, when I was 18 by my boyfriend at that time (which was a stalker and abusing me mentally, had reported to the cops but nothing happened since he was part of an "organization" that have influence on corrupt cops) he drugged me and thankfully my flatmate found him and made him leave, then when I think I was 19 I don't remember clearly as the two last time happened the same year but i was going home after partying, I passed out drunk in the taxi and the taxi driver took me to a forest at the complete opposite of my place and well abused me, in the middle of it I gain back consciousness and was able to escape and the last time, was a bit before my 20's birthday, with my "pimp" we were staying at one of the guy that would "support me financially", she left to club as I was sick that day and he abused me during my sleep.

For the last time it happened I had a really hard time to heal from it as this time I finally gain the courage to say stop and fight back but he was twice my size and weight and he dared to told me that he wasn't raping me so i should stop resisting and later on when I found the courage to say it to my "pimp", she told me that it was my own fault and this stayed stuck in my mind for so long.

When it comes to my "pimp", in other words I was sexually trafficked, it took me some times to finally gather the courage to leave as she stole my passport, was stealing all the money I made (I was living abroad at that time). She was also physically abusing me, when we were going out to clubs she would humiliate me by spitting on me, taking off my wig in public, throwing her drinks at me, calling me a dog and so much more but also slapping me, scratching me.

One day I had enough and burst out of rage, we started fighting but unfortunately (to me or not cause i was ready to kill her) people passing by broke into the fight to stop us.

Once I went back to my country, her and a mutual friend tried to frame me, at that time I was still talking to this mutual friend thinking that I could trust her but turn out that she turned her back on me and was sharing everything I said. One day this bitch send screenshots to my parents that I was a sex worker and porn actress, thanks goodness that my family let me do whatever I want even if they don't approve, they didn't questioned me and just told me to go report everything to the cops which ofc they didn't do shit.

When it comes to the bullying, during my last year of middle school I decided to change school as all the people working there knew that I had been assaulted by my stepfather and I didn't felt anymore comfortable in that school so I went to another one and last a week there because I had put on Facebook that I missed my old school and everyone from that new school got it all twisted, thinking that I was saying shit about them so after the 2 days of me being popular in that school everyone decided to wrote a song about me « the red cow » (I had red hair and piercings all over my face at that time, so referencing to my septum), people were trying to snatch my back, push me and some girls even called their big brother to fight with me thinking that it would scared me but I was just responding back to everyone and was ready to fight whoever dared to mess with me but one day I totally exploded in front of the school and go completely berserk after my mom got to the principal to tell him everything and he dared to say right into my face that if those kids were bullying me it was my fault and not them nor the kids, so I just stopped going to that school.

And don't know which part it's supposed to fall under but I was receiving death threats online daily by unknown guys, so does also threats from miserable virgin that couldn't get no pussies, my phone number got linked on a revenge porn site by the ex that abused me and tons of other people that I never heard of would contact me and told me to be careful while giving me details of my life that they weren't supposed to know.

After all of this I went through a hikikomori phase, not going out of my room, not taking care of myself, the only time I was opening the door was to use the toilet and pick up the things I was telling my family to buy for me (alcohol, cigarettes and an excessive amount of snacks) I gained 30kg from not going out of my place for almost a year and at one point I was like « I can't stay like this forever » so I started to work on myself and heal from it, it was truly long and felt like forever, especially when it comes to the huge anxiety I had when going out, which now I still do have if I don't go out regurlarly but I was getting better, loose all the weight I gained, getting back my confidence, working on my alcohol addiction, everything was about my own well being and my goals, I was just so full of life, I take off everyone that wasn't a good impact in my life and just being me.

Until I met my actual partner but I had written a bit about it in a post so no need to repeat myself even if it wasn't even half of everything. (Mental abuse)

Then for the rest that has nothing to do with external people, I suffered from eating disorder from 5 years old till… good question, in some way still now but less than before, I was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia, so all my life I always was on the extreme, loosing hella weight fast and gaining faster, to this day even if I'm a normal shape, like a thick just middle and never had any problem when it comes to attention from guys and even girls, like i definitely know that tons of people wants to slap tf out of me for it as in the past I joined multiple support groups about that and none of the girls were supporting of me because to them since I am popular among men and don't got any problem with getting their attention so does how I look was just triggering their own insecurities so they felt the need to reject me the way people reject them but to me I would never be good enough (physically) if I don't have the desire shape that I want even if I am fully aware that I'm actually good looking (no pretentious just obvious honesty)

Then recently, about a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but I don't trust this diagnosis as it was at the emergency room after my second attempt of the year and the meds they put me on completely changed me and made me have actual crisis I never had before like never ever.

But then yea when it comes to diagnosed I was diagnosed those 3, anxiety (social too), severe depression and complex ptsd.

When it comes to self harm I had been doing it since I was 8, kept on doing it until 16 then stopped it until 19, from 19 till 20 and stop until last year so (22/23) and now back at it to calm myself during a crisis.

And I guess that's all, as I am still recovering slowly but surely my memories as I didn't had any memories before the age of 16.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I started self harming in my early teens, before I even struggled with suicidal ideation. It's come and gone over the years, usually with a 2 or 3 year gap in between.
I had a couple relapses last year, but nothing habit forming. But, even years later, the urge never really goes away. Even when I'm doing fine - sometimes especially when - if I see a blade, the thought arises, and the itch returns. My suicidal ideation is very much the same way. It's tiring.
I don't particularly intend to relapse again anytime soon, but I'm sure the last time wasn't really my last.

 

[medicinenightmares]

I've been cutting myself since I was 13. As an adult I don't really do it anymore, maybe once every 6-8 months.

The last time that was one of my most damaging was in February 2020. There were multiple cuts but only a couple were deep enough to be wide & show the fat. I ended up getting stitched up the next day at the clinic. I had 13 stitches. It hurt a lot to get the stitches, even more than the initial cuts, but I kind of liked it. It felt really really nice to have someone taking care of me because I don't have anyone in my life that takes care of me.

I tried to do a spoiler before an attached picture of the stitches. Hopefully it works. I've never tried to do one before.

Spoiler: stitches & scars

 

[OrcWitch]

I have been wanting to cut on and off pretty badly the last few days. A few months ago was my 2 year mark of going clean. I turn 30 this year and just want to be a functioning adult. I'm trying to keep it together and not relapse.

The worst part is if I explained what has me upset tonight it would sound very fucking childish, but that's who I am.

 

[YMN]

I don't know what caused it, but as of late I've been getting the urge to cut myself. Like I grab my x-acto knife and stare at it for a good while kind of contemplating. I've tried fighting the urge the past few times by distracting myself or forcing myself into sleeping early. Dunno how much longer me being clean again will last. Part of me just wants to go crazy on my skin as I'm typing this.

 

[clown_17]

haven't done any major self harm for a while but ive been cutting since I was 13 and self harming in minor ways long before that. I had a few years where I was clean in the past but here's something I did about 2 months ago. It's healed now and the skin all around the area is completely numb.

Spoiler: Spoiler

.

That was the initial cut, then I made it deeper to fascia

 

[myopybyproxy]

Nothing is real. How could I be so stupid to think anyone could ever care about me? Stinging, shallow cuts everywhere. Not enough. Never enough. All I smell is blood.

finally, someone else who looks like me - my thigh skin has gotten wrinkled too from all the scars - i am still an alien but at least there is another alien out there

 

[plough22]

I started SH in 2018 due to being blamed wrongly for something, I couldn't handle it all. I started cutting my left arm constantly with a knife, I couldn't handle all the emotions, everything that my mind was thinking, I got over a bit but then in Oct 2019 my world came crashing again and cutting my wrists/back of hand scratching my forehead, hitting head of wall, slapping came big but now due to therapy I am controlling, I have relapsed every so often but I'm ok again. I like the release, it gave me peace in my mind even it was momentarily. I try to keep my mind clear, does it help being in this. I keep my mind busy, set goals and live to the best I can, I have my scars to allow me to remember. I wish you all going through SH to not give up, keep strong keep moving forward. Best wishes. There are no scars for happiness

 

[readyforsleep]

No one deserves it but I relate to these words if that makes any sense?
I have taken to bruising the top of my thigh, the pain last longer, for me this is a good thing

One thing I have noticed, a lot of tik toks I see which talk of being in pysc units etc, all seem to have lumps or damage to their foreheads, do they head butt walls or something? the marks are always in same place, similar style too,

Idk about anyone on tik tok because I don't use it, but I started headbanging when I was in the hospital because I didn't have anything to cut with and hitting my head helped with the urges a little.

 

[Noctis]

I started in high school with cutting. I tried to kill myself by cutting my wrists. I didn't cut nearly deep enough to die, but I liked how it felt and did it again a few times. I had never heard of cutting or self-harm; I just knew I enjoyed it.

Then in college I started burning myself. I would get metal objects, hold them over a flame, then press them to my body. The noises it made from cooking the flesh, the sudden sharp and intense pain, the horrible smell...I loved it all. But I ran out of inconspicuous spots really quickly. It wasn't like cutting where you could get several lines from a small area normally covered by clothing. And being a male, it would be really suspicious if I refused to take off my shirt while swimming or at the beach. So people started noticing and asking questions. I always had a story, like I burned myself at work, or it was an accident while cooking, or even some people I'm no longer friends with did it while I was passed out drunk. But they were all lies. They were all me.

I stopped after it was obvious people wouldn't stop questioning me, and it was getting harder to explain away new scars. Haven't done it in almost fifteen years, but I think about it on my really bad days.

 

[Toonloon]

I've been sh as long as i can remember. Like 5 or 6 i would bite and slap myself HARD. Bash my head against the floor as a toddler. When I was like 8 or 9 I started slapping myself and punching myself too. I used to hit myself with a hammer on my legs, tummy, and head a few times. When I got into my early 20's I found I loved cutting with myself with broken glass. I was a fulltime stripper so I had to buy scar free skin care products or invest in body suits which I think are tacky.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Ive not managed to self harm fully in a while but the urges are there, but as I never get time alone its not possible, I don't even know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but its a mind fuck!

Hows everyone else holding up?

 

[Bedrock48]

Ive not managed to self harm fully in a while but the urges are there, but as I never get time alone its not possible, I don't even know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but its a mind fuck!

Hows everyone else holding up?

Pretty sure that's a good thing although ik that situation can be really frustrating.

I'm holding up relatively good, haven't relapsed since the beginning of the month. Urges have been gradually increasing though so we'll see how things go.

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I had always hoped I would grow out of this since by their 20s people usually stop but I never can its probably the best part of my life. I usually stop for periods sometimes a week or two sometimes a couple months, not in an attempt to quit but just...well idk why? But recently I have been doing it a ton as I have just been screwing everything in my life up like a piece of shit lol. Stuff got really stressful and usually I just work till I'm about to drop and fix everything then cut to relieve the stress, sadness, frustration, paranoia and stuff but this time I just couldn't bring myself to care and I let everything slide and just layed around losing my shit and now I guess I'm just cutting a lot to punish myself.

If I ever feel the urge to get pictures I'll post on here though I don't go as deep as I used to or pack anything/ burn in my cuts anymore since I live in a van now, am too depressed to shower frequently and can't afford to get an serious infections.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I caved to the blade tonight, I don't feel guilty, just relieved to have that sensation, I never cut as much as some here, for starters I only have shit blades!!!

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I caved to the blade tonight, I don't feel guilty, just relieved to have that sensation, I never cut as much as some here, for starters I only have shit blades!!!

Well hope you can stay clean and safe, and feeling guilty never helped anything anyway

 

[completely-done]

I used to self-harm by restricting food and therefore developed anorexia. It felt so good restricting food because I feel like I'm punishiing myself for all the bad I've done. I still do it sometimes. I just never tell anyone about it anymore because the last time some former friends knew about it they guilted me for having anorexia. Looks like i can never do anything right. I lost those friends, I stressed them out too much. I'm too much. lol sorry for rambling, it's just that my last day alive is coming very quickly and my regrets are flooding me