Self Harm Thread

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

Funnily enough, today I'm visiting here to avoid giving into the urge to self harm. It's pretty rough today, sigh.

 

[kappa]

I've never cut myself. I never wanted scars, bruises heal in a week or 2. I usually did it on my thighs since no one would see them.

I started beating myself/hitting in middle school and although it's not as common- I'm noticing I want to resort to it again. It started out as I would beat myself in order to stop crying and it worked pretty well as a kid.

I went to college late in life at 30, and when my assignments aren't going well I noticed if I have an emotional breakdown I go back it to.

The hyperventilating is new though.. I ended up having to dunk my face in water until I chilled out… but it took a while.

Does anyone ever feel they don't deserve to eat? I don't have an ED, but occasionally I feel like I don't deserve food because "I didn't get this done" or whatever. Is this just self punishment?

 

[Soulless Angel]

Just popping this back up,

I wanted to be able to come in and say I have been self harm free for a while, but I broke a couple weeks back, so much pent up anger and frustration, that at first chance i beat the shit out of my leg, I wanted to cut, but was unable,
I fucking hate this yet its such a relief to be able to feel something

Funnily enough, today I'm visiting here to avoid giving into the urge to self harm. It's pretty rough today, sigh.

I know its been a while since you posted this but how you doing?

 

[Soulless Angel]

bringing this back up, I have fallen to the call of the blade once again :(

 

[SadJessu]

I stared self harming around 11/12. It started with scratching myself with staples and eventually light cutting with scissors. I worked my way up to using a box cutter and razors. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed anorexic and was able to substitute that for cutting, but ever since going on my meds I've swung in the opposite by being food obsessed. I'm not obese, or even very overweight based on my measurements, but I'd purge because it was another way of abusing myself. Nowadays I feel like I have to either cut down to the white stuff just beneath the epidermis, or make it drip blood for it to 'count'. That being said, I'm not nearly as brave as some self harmers are, I wish I was. Because the scars we're getting noticeable to my partner I've started hitting my legs with a hammer, we don't always live in the same area, so the bruises aren't as bad when we do reunite. Also banging my head into things. It feels like a compulsion when I'm overwhelmed and can't explain or express it any other way. I like the feeling of almost knocking yourself out, you lose yourself in the ether for a moment.

 

[hellispink]

I have my wrist full of scars. I cut myself everytime I get into an emotional crisis. I don't control my emotions and I get into a self destructive mode. After doing it, I feel peace. I don't do it for punishment exactly. I do it because I want to stop the emotional pain. I started when I was a teenager I think. I am adult now and still struggle with it.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I stared self harming around 11/12. It started with scratching myself with staples and eventually light cutting with scissors. I worked my way up to using a box cutter and razors. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed anorexic and was able to substitute that for cutting, but ever since going on my meds I've swung in the opposite by being food obsessed. I'm not obese, or even very overweight based on my measurements, but I'd purge because it was another way of abusing myself. Nowadays I feel like I have to either cut down to the white stuff just beneath the epidermis, or make it drip blood for it to 'count'. That being said, I'm not nearly as brave as some self harmers are, I wish I was. Because the scars we're getting noticeable to my partner I've started hitting my legs with a hammer, we don't always live in the same area, so the bruises aren't as bad when we do reunite. Also banging my head into things. It feels like a compulsion when I'm overwhelmed and can't explain or express it any other way. I like the feeling of almost knocking yourself out, you lose yourself in the ether for a moment.

I've smashed my head into things before, one time I did it really hard and got super dizzy. I only got yelled at though. I'm pretty sure I gave myself a concussion and I'm always worried I fucked up my brain because I used to be way smarter, and now I'm a dumbass with an awful memory.

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

Just bumping to see if anyone still uses this thread and to vent. I haven't cut or burned in 2.5 months and I can't fucking stand it I need it, I openly freaked out on the sidewalk at uni the other day after doing something stupid and started hitting myself with a rock I had been playing with before I started freaking out, thankfully no one was around anymore or I would have been even more embarrassed and probably went for the head (I really can't afford to, I've had a lot of head injuries) left some bruising and purpura and I've been squeezing it to keep myself calm but I don;t think I can stand it much longer I'm gonna' need to go restock on razors before I freak out so that things are good and clean when it does happen. I think I lasted this long because I have been taking HRT with an intramuscular needle which I struggle with but if I convince myself it will hurt me and I'm stabbing myself and do it really slow instead of poking it in fast it actually helps me manage to do the shot and helps stem my SH urges a bit. Ironically otherwise if I feel like its gonna' hurt me but not on purpose I can't get myself to do the needle since I have screwed up the injection so many times and hit a lot of vessels lmao.

 

[BEATNGU]

I do not know if this could be counted as self harm but I am full of contempt for myself. So what I do when I am in a very hateful mood towards myself is play Russian roulette. Smith&Wesson .38 special w/ a five round cylinder. Sometimes, when I feel more crummy than usual I will load two rounds instead of one. I am up to sixty-eight attempts and somehow I am still here. Funny enough, I don't know if this could be considered "good luck" or not but i do feel a little better afterwards.

 

[SilentSuicidal]

I cut a vein and let the blood flow yesterday. I filled half a bottle of water with blood. It doesn't feel like enough but I'm going to do it again today so that I finally feel better by feeling worse.

Spoiler: Blood

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

I do not know if this could be counted as self harm but I am full of contempt for myself. So what I do when I am in a very hateful mood towards myself is play Russian roulette. Smith&Wesson .38 special w/ a five round cylinder. Sometimes, when I feel more crummy than usual I will load two rounds instead of one. I am up to sixty-eight attempts and somehow I am still here. Funny enough, I don't know if this could be considered "good luck" or not but i do feel a little better afterwards.

Statistically that is rather amazing

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I've cut myself for more than 4 years at this point. Recent year has been relatively clean, but I'm coming back to the old friend of mine, blade. Stress is too much and It's the only way I can cope with it.

 

[clown_17]

I want to cut so bad but I can't because I know I'll need stitches. My recent cuts have been bleeding so much that I needed them stitched and I hated being in the hospital. Perhaps I need to learn how to self stitch. Idk

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I want to cut so bad but I can't because I know I'll need stitches. My recent cuts have been bleeding so much that I needed them stitched and I hated being in the hospital. Perhaps I need to learn how to self stitch. Idk

Do you have bandages? Perhaps they can stop bleeding too, but you'll need to carry them for some time

 

[clown_17]

Do you have bandages? Perhaps they can stop bleeding too, but you'll need to carry them for some time

I tend to bleed a lot more than most people. I did a cut that was only to mid fat and it bled through multiple wads of gauze and thick layers of tissue pressure wrapped around my thigh with medical tape. I had to change my makeshift bandage three times, and then I finally got it stitched because the bleeding still wasn't stopping. I'm just so frustrated because self harm is literally the only control I have in my life. I don't want to keep getting stitches because I live with my family and they would get quite upset about the whole situation, and also I hate feeling like I'm wasting medical resources. Perhaps I'll just try my luck and hope my next cut doesn't bleed

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I tend to bleed a lot more than most people. I did a cut that was only to mid fat and it bled through multiple wads of gauze and thick layers of tissue pressure wrapped around my thigh with medical tape. I had to change my makeshift bandage three times, and then I finally got it stitched because the bleeding still wasn't stopping. I'm just so frustrated because self harm is literally the only control I have in my life. I don't want to keep getting stitches because I live with my family and they would get quite upset about the whole situation, and also I hate feeling like I'm wasting medical resources. Perhaps I'll just try my luck and hope my next cut doesn't bleed

Sorry to hear that :( . But I kind of envy you for being able to cut that deep. I haven't been able to make deep cuts and starting again after not doing it for long time makes it even harder.

 

[sacrificial lamb]

Staying clean is getting harder with each day. I'm literally paralyzed by urges. Can't do anything but lay there and fantasize about cutting… I really need a way out of this. I've gone too far with this stupid addiction and I can't stop

Spoiler: recent cut

 

[AndrewWood'sDeath]

Staying clean is getting harder with each day. I'm literally paralyzed by urges. Can't do anything but lay there and fantasize about cutting… I really need a way out of this. I've gone too far with this stupid addiction and I can't stop

Spoiler: recent cut

View attachment 98557

Yeah it gets harder the more you let yourself have I'm really sorry you are dealing with urges that strong that shit is hell. I had to try start reducing a lot because I was getting in too deep but it just made me drink more. Pretty much just replacing one addiction with another its kind of pathetic.

 

[Idkaho2]

I cut a vein and let the blood flow yesterday. I filled half a bottle of water with blood. It doesn't feel like enough but I'm going to do it again today so that I finally feel better by feeling worse.

Spoiler: Blood

View attachment 98166

I had to stop because I got to the point where I couldn't do it without cutting an artery. Having my arms covered in multiple highly visible purple scars all over years later, I definitely regret it, but shouganai ne.

 

[Soulless Angel]

How are people doing? I broke my clean streak, don't care though

 

[SilentSuicidal]

How are people doing? I broke my clean streak, don't care though

I don't know, I'm having urges to cut again. I'm sorry you broke your streak.

 

[trayansh]

I have not cut myself yet but when I am too much sad or the pain feels heavy, I hit myself or try to choke me hard, is that self harm?

 

[SilentSuicidal]

I have not cut myself yet but when I am too much sad or the pain feels heavy, I hit myself or try to choke me hard, is that self harm?

Self harm is not just cutting, it can be burning or hitting yourself among other things. I would say it's self harm.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

I'm trying to recover, because recently I've been cutting nearly to muscle and disfiguring my arms. That being said, it is the most powerful coping tool that I have, and cutting works wonderfully when nothing else does; with my BPD, cutting allows me to dissociate and sometimes even derealize, and that's when I can truly feel happy because I'm... having an out of body experience, for lack of better words. I miss cutting every day, and tbh I'll probably relapse like I always do, but hopefully I can CTB before then.

 

[trayansh]

Self harm is not just cutting, it can be burning or hitting yourself among other things. I would say it's self harm.

Sometimes I wish I could choke myself to death but SI kicks in

 

[SilentSuicidal]

Sometimes I wish I could choke myself to death but SI kicks in

Choking yourself to death doesn't sound easy. I hate how hard it is to just die.

 

[chromehearts]

When I first started SH I was probably around 13-14? I would bite and hit myself and press knives against my skin (but I never really had access to sharp or penetrating blades so it was honestly more psychologically relieving than physically lol; I was also just really naive back then...). Then I moved onto scratching myself deeply and digging my nails into my arms to the point of scars and bleeding, which was only made worse because I grow my nails out relatively long. Whenever I had breakdowns I would resort to desperately scratching my arms and it was really noticable when I had terrible breakdowns in front of my parents, but my mother only ever made fun of me for it.

Maybe a year or so ago I finally got access to sharp blades and since then, whenever I get angry I just wildly slash at my left arm. Honestly, I don't SH when I'm sad because I get over it really quickly and usually it turns into fear, frustration, or anger anyways. I feel like when I'm sad I don't have the energy or motivation to cut, actually. Anyways, I know people say that those who cut their wrists or arms do it for attention but it's honestly the least conspicious place for me LOL... I'm pretty insecure about my arms so I always wear jackets or covers. Since I do care about appearances and fashion and such I wear shorter clothing basically everywhere but my arms, so cuts on my thighs or stomach or anything would be exposed way worse. Also, I don't really care to recover or anything because it just works as such a good reliever for me... I don't really have any other coping methods or people to talk to so I'm honestly grateful for SH and don't see it as my 'pitiful sad sob story'. Maybe from an outside or objective view I'd just be disgusted with myself.

But yeah! I don't think I've seen anyone with similar reasoning to where they cut so far, so I thought it would be interesting to share ^^

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Fuck, I wish I had some razor blades. Even though it's been months since I've used them, the urges just don't go away.

 

[SilentSuicidal]

Done it a couple days ago, and they are scabs now. I feel like posting my cuts is pointless, but alot of things are. I don't know. It just feels like there's nowhere for me to go.

Spoiler: Healing

 

[aforestfire]

i'm clean from deep cuts for almost a week now, i can't do it because my first-aid stuff run out; i can't buy more because i don't have a job.
god, i'm going insane, i can't stand the crushing feeling of being myself, knowing the fact that i'm me and that's enough reason for everything never gets better. it's stupid, i should be using this a opportunity to stop for good but i'm not "physically ruined" enough to even consider recovery. i barely make any sense.